46. More Like Diana

I went to pick Diana up from work, because her usual ride home fell through. William fussed, but only when I was stopped. I almost stopped. But when Diana got in, he was asleep. She's very tired. We were going to go for a walk in Alley Pond, but she's just so tired. But she woke up at home. Seeing her son woke her up and she fed him and doted on him. We went for a walk outside. When we got home, he fell asleep. Diana finally relented, and went to sleep. She's snoring away with him sleeping on her chest. I'd love him to be able to sleep through the night. I can't wait till that day comes. But now I know he's going to wake up hungry. Last time we put him to bed before 11, he got up twice in the night, before 5, when Diana wakes up and feeds him, and puts him back to sleep, where he sleeps till 7-8.

William slept till 5am, so I was wrong, he did not wake up in the night. He slept so much in the evening that I thought he would wake up.

Diana's mother took William for me this morning. I'm going to pick him up at 1. I notice that I am still listening for a cry, my ears are tuned in for a cry, even though he is not here. I slept good and hard, but I had crazy dreams. I dreamt my most impulsive student was being put to death. My interpretation of that is that the dharma teaches control over the impulses, not acting on them, just recognizing them, so that we are not a slave to them. Otherwise we don't really own ourselves, we just lurch from impulse to impulse. I'm guessing I put to death my impulses, in the persona of my most impulsive student. Having a child, it certainly helps to be able to repress your impulses in favor of another. William needs his milk before I get my coffee. His need to be picked up after a nap, is more important than my meditation. I gladly surrender my needs to his, though I wouldn't say that makes them disappear. I just don't act on them.

I miss William when he is not around, but it's not the ache, the pain, I think it is for Diana. I look forward to working. I know that when I see him very soon, I will be that more attentive because I've had some rest. I think all parents deserve some rest, and it's important for others to be part of the support system. I have certain single friends who opt out of the childbearing cycle, and they think that that decision means they are freed from the incumbrance. I know I used to think that way. Why help out Aida, I didn't ask her to reproduce. But I love Natasia, and really a single mother could use all the help she could get. I think William is kicking both our butts, we're both giving it our all, in the past 9 weeks and one day of his reign outside the womb. When I bemoaned the fact that I could not go on a retreat this month, a friend quipped, "you should have thought of that when you had the dang thing." My response was, "don't call him a 'dang thing'." But really, I think that exemplifies the attitude of our society. You have a child, you raise it. When it's such a huge job, why not treat it as a barn raising. Many hands make lighter work. I have seen the light. I hereby commit to helping out others raise their children! I renounce my past, my false views. I rejoice in the merit of Virginia and her mother, who seem to endlessly give a hand, without conditions. I used to help out Aida, but she had to ask me a certain time in advance. I never realized how addled trying to get through the day sleep deprived can make you. I used to joke about how Aida was always tired. The writing on the wall for me. Even though I got 9+ hours, I'm still tired. My bones ache. Diana says I'll get some rest when he goes to college. Diana aches for his company, my bones ache from his company. She sees the world more positively than I do, in this regard, I need to try to be more like her.