183. Boxing Day

William awoke again at 7:30 while I was 9 minutes into my meditation. I let him sleep on my chest while I read Neurotic Styles by Shapiro. I got tired, and snoozed some, then went into the bed. He snuggled with Diana till 9. They both essentially slept 11 hours. Diana feels caught up with her sleep, refreshed. I went to bed, and slept till noon, which made me feel like I lost the day. I've got the post holiday excitement lassitude. Zane and Bridget are coming on Wednesday, so that's something to look forward to. I played with him on the ground, and Diana came in and out. She fed him egg yokes (he can't eat egg whites until 1 year) which he was not into. He wanted what I was eating. We put on the Celine Dion CD that celebrates child birth. I think Beautiful Boy is the best song, and that shines through despite her singing it. It's like Mel Gibson can't ruin Hamlet, because the Bard's work is so strong, it's got to leak through sometimes. I apologize to all Celine fans, I hope you enjoy her. William fell asleep, and Diana decided not to go shopping, and just stay at home and relax. We got to talk a little bit. I get an update on all the dramas of yesterday that I was not privy to.

182. Toys!

William got a toy that you hammer balls down and they go back and forth. He got some cars that you can rev up and they go. He got some clothes and a big kind of thing he can ride or walk with. He got a coat he's going to be able to wear at least till next year. Virginia, among other things, gave us a new diaper bag, and we were surprised to find it full of little goodies. Harry gave him a drum because I said I was afraid of the noise making drum. They also gave him some cool clothes and a roll thing, that he can play with and use to crawl and walk. And some great clothes. Great Grandma and Grandpa Parks gave him a great outfit. Celeste, Steve and Kattie gave him a great guy on strings and a children's spoons and fork. Many great gifts, they're hard to remember them all. We still need to pick some packages up from the post office.

At Abuela's place this morning, Harry, Angie, AJ and Emma were there. Harry had to go off to work. AJ was struggling to share his toys, he's 4 years old. Emma sat on my lap for a good long time, playing. I came home to take a nap. When I went back, Aida and Natasia were there. At first Aida was just in the bedroom, but she came out into the room Angie was in. They would not refer to each other, but they stayed in the same room for a long time. Poor Aida has a cold. I went home for another nap, and then took Aida and Natasia home. Paquita, Jimmy, Checho, Angle, and Jessica were there when I came back. Checho keeps asking me for photos, but I can never get her address. I gave her a sheet of paper, and said, "write down your address," and she never gave it back to me. Then later, Diana's godparents came over, Hector's parents, Senora Jenny and Senor Ugo. Diana's parents got dressed up and went out to a party.

There was a party downstairs, you could hear the karaoke machine and the people singing. I said, "should I go down and tell them we have a baby sleeping?" Diana said, "it's not bothering him." William fell asleep with Diana on the couch, while I was watching The Life and Death of Peter Sellers. An interesting, well done movie, but I only had patience for an hour of it. Diana moved into the bedroom, and I took William into his crib. Diana slept in her clothes.

She just woke up briefly and said, "I'm sleeping in my clothes!" and fell back asleep. William woke up at 6. I just woke up from an intense dream, too disorganized to clearly convey here. I fed him a bottle, changed his diaper, gave him a little more bottle, and then slept with him on my chest. When I put him in the crib, that's when Diana woke up briefly.

181. Christmas Eve

I heard a yelp, and movement. I went into the bedroom, and I found William hanging face down off the bed, and Diana holding onto his feet. Turns out she put him in the middle of the bed, and she bent down to get something. When she looked up, she saw William leaping for the edge. Diana got very upset, and I took William away, and brought him back when she was better. She was very frightened about what might have happened. I thought it was funny once I knew he was safe.

Thursday night we went to New Jersey. William started crying hard when we were almost there. I got to go to bed, and I hated to run to work, and say goodbye to my sonny boy, sweet cheeks. Diana was out shopping all day Friday.

I got home Friday night and took a 4 hour nap. I was so tired. Diana called me to help transport Aida to the Bronx, but I declined. I had to get some sleep.

Christmas eve this year was with Robyn and Victor, Virginia, Abuela and Abuelo, Diana, William and me. I haven't seen Robyn in ages. Today we opened some presents and we're going over to Diana's parents. I'm going to take Virginia to the airport now. She's going to the Dominican Republic.

180. Sweet Cheeks

Yesterday was winter solstice. William had a long and exciting day. He came home from his grandmother's very excited, alive. I gave him a bath, which was rough because he's outgrown our little tub in the kitchen routine, and he was full of energy, splashing all over the place. Diana went out holiday shopping. I spent some quality time with William, no distractions, no TV, no radio. He was a bit manic for a while, but he calmed down and almost fell asleep, but the bottle ran out, and he woke up. I video taped him some, and let him move around me. I like putting him on my chest and him trying to find his balance to stand without holding. He's getting so big. He pooped for me. He enjoys opening and closing things, like my armoire and the freezer. I'm not sure what kind of mojo Abuelo and Abuela give him, but it was good stuff, and it was good to see William thrashing and crashing around. We watched a little ballet on TV when I got tired, and luckily Diana was not too late, and I got to bed. I slept past my meditation window. Now I have to wake him up, change his diaper, feed him a little, and take him to Abuela's. Wish I had a week off like Diana, and could spend that time with Sweet Cheeks.

There was an interesting article in the Times on 12/22/04 about stay at home fathers. It's pretty rare, but in America that means there's 1.7 million of them. Unfortunately I only had 6 months as a stay at home father, but put another way, I was quite lucky to have William and time for 6 months. I will always treasure that time.

179. Took in a show

I've seen little of my boy. Last night I came home wiped out. KayLa was here and she watched William while Diana napped and I read and did dishes. I drove her home and then William was asleep. I got up meditated, and drove Diana to work, and then dropped William off at his Abuela's. He slept mostly in the car. And now I'm home and Diana is not home yet from her parents. Abuela says she saw him crawling, that he has another tooth coming in, and that at Natasia's recital today, he was clapping, and got very excited when he saw her on stage. Apparently he likes to play with boys. He's going to be a boy's boy, I think. He was so cute today, I hated handing him over to Abuela. I'm glad she took him out, sounds like he had a good day. Diana said they indulge him, he's been wrecking their house and they and he love it, turning over plates of rice, and whatnot. I bet he sleeps well tonight, with all the excitement. I really wish him to have a rich life.

178. Tree

I got a Christmas tree. It's so cold out here in NYC, especially when the sun is down. Tomorrow is winter solstice. Days get longer after tomorrow, but for some reason the weather gets worse for a while, there's more to it than the sun. We got a little snow yesterday, but William is not yet old enough to enjoy it. All my clients stay inside, I can't really blame them. Somehow we found time in the evening to put the tree up, but not yet decorate it.

I asked Diana, "you want to go to bed?" She said, "no, you go to bed." So I went to bed. I was awoken at 1:30 by his cries. Diana was sleeping next to me. I got up, gave him a bottle. He fell asleep. I put him in the crib and he slept.

This morning, Diana says she put him to bed at 1:30, and he slept for 5 minutes and then woke up. By then she was long gone to sleep. Poor dear, she's only had 5 hours sleep.

Sunday was really nice with William. Saturday I'm a bit conflicted with him, I'm thinking, "I've got him all Sunday." But when Sunday rolled around, he slept late and took a long nap. I think one key is getting a break, not always being on. Diana let me go to bed early. I said, "don't you want me to help you?" She said to me laying in bed, "like you are now..." William got up at 3:30, and was up till 4:15. I let him sleep on my chest, and then I rolled him onto his side and back, and he woke up at 4:30. Diana got up with him despite my protests. I really think she should take the day off, or at least go in late. I can't take a day off till February, and as it is, I'm yawning like crazy with the clients, which is bad technique, but they say that they don't mind, they understand.

It's no exaggeration to say we look forward to the days when he goes to bed at a reasonable time, and does not wake up in the night.

177. Pastina

Diana read the blog. She says her carpool friends bought her Pastina not Furina, little pasta.

William took a nap on me while I watched The Big Lebowsky. He's been a bit cranky, well fed and changed, but fussy.

176. Bread Puke

William just upchucked the bread he was sucking on. He fusses until you give him something, when we're eating. He's very oral, he wants to mash things in his hands, and sample them in his mouth. But maybe he ate too much, or he's not ready yet for bread that way, and he puked it on my sweater.

Virginia slept with William last night. I told Diana to go to bed, and she actually took my offer. Virginia got home from her office party around midnight. William stayed up till 1. Virginia reports William woke up at 5, and drank the bottle, and got a diaper change at 7:30. I picked him up around 9, and gave him to Diana to breast feed.

Last night he was a bit hypomanic in the night. When we first got here, he rolled around a lot, maybe 5 feet in distance. When Virginia got home, he was more clingy, but flappy and vocal. She's impressed by how active and mobile he is.

175. Tooth!

I felt William's tooth on the bottom. He's cut his first tooth. Diana said, "maybe that's why he wakes up in the night." Diana said she felt it yesterday. Her mother felt one on the top the other day, but I don't feel one up there.

He seems to be very cute, but he threw a fit when I moved him away from the computer to take a bath. Diana is exhausted, she's the one who got up in the night with him last night. I felt good today, I awoke in a good mood. I wondered why. Because I got a good night sleep. Sleep really does make difference in how your day goes, I will henceforth have more sympathy for people with insomnia.

It is a blessing that the women's car pool includes Diana, driving her home. They found some Farina that doesn't have any eggs in it, because he can't have the whites till 1 year old.

He has a tooth, he has a tooth!

174. 8 Months!

The Monday crunch occurred again. Diana has to stay at school till 4:30, and Diana's mother has to go to work at 4. So we called up Veronica, who is a cousin of Diana's. She's an accounting student, who is hard working and sweet. She's going to come over and take care of William. Hooray Veronica.

I had a lovely morning with William, reading and playing in bed when he woke up. Getting out of the house with everything proved to be more difficult.

He's got such a lovely smile for me when I come home. He wants to look at me, and won't finish breast feeding. We played on the carpet for a while, and Diana joined us. She fed William. Now she's showering with him. He was afraid because Diana was towering over him. When he was done, I rubbed lotion on him, and began to dress him. Diana put him in the crib and he stood up on his own and hung onto the side. I got the video camera and he did it again. He fell asleep during Everybody Loves Raymond, while she breast fed him, and Diana clipped his nails.

Great Grandma and Grandpa Parks sent William some presents. Now we need to get a tree so we can put them under.

Tuesday KayLa was mother's little helper. Diana went out to get stuff for an experiment tomorrow.

173. Out

William woke up and was cranky. His clogged nose was bothering him. Diana extracted a huge booger. I dropped Diana off at her class, and took William to Cliff and Vava's. I hung out there with William till about 3. We looked at Cliff's cool computer program that has satellite pictures of the world, looking at Bittersweet Place, Virginia's place was not up yet in NJ, Chicago... William wanted to join in, but was distracted by a keyboard Cliff brought over. Cliff gets very nervous about potential dangers of things. He also played my blog in a robot voice. We listen to Steely Dan, Bjork and Janis Joplin. Vava did some work. When William fell asleep, we played chess. It was good to see them, and I'll probably go over there next week for the last day of class for Diana.

Then it was off to Aida, KayLa and Natasia's. I promised Natasia I would bring him over, she was upset to only have him at the mall last night, and not at home. Diana was there too, she'd gone from class early, sick. Might have been the old salsa I gave her last night. Opse. I took a wee nap. Diana woke me up because she wanted to get to her mother's.

Then it was off to Abuela and Abuelo's, where Senora Jenny and Senor Zambrano were. Also Victor and his girlfriend Veronica (they're back together!). Virginia got there just when we got there. She was trying to drag in his play pen, which Abuela is going to use. I watched the demise of the Jets against Blitzburg, and came home to read and write the blog.

171. Stomach again

Friday night, Diana and William took a nap. William woke up. I hung out with him. I snacked on some chicken. He cried till I gave him some to chew on. He didn't eat any, but he chewed on it. Same when I had some pita and hummus. I gave him pita. He insists on partaking with what ever I eat. I don't think it's bad for him, because he just chews on whatever for a while, mashes it, and gradually he loses it. It's messy, but I think it's OK. Diana worries about the oil it's cooked in.

William went to bed at 1 after a few false starts. He woke up at 4, and not drink much milk, but I think appreciated the change of a soaked diaper. He woke again at 8:25, and we hung out a little. I was getting a tissue from the room to blow my nose, and that woke Diana up. William was finishing up playing with his breakfast oatmeal.

I offered to make Diana breakfast. I want to try and spoil her today, because she's got a paper to write, and that's going to be difficult for her. But the eggs said, "best by Oct. 21" So we loaded William into the backpack, and I took him grocery shopping with me. He likes getting out, and it's easy to put him in the backpack now. I'm not so worried about him breaking too.

We put William on the ground, and he was dancing when I put some music on. He rocks back and forth. I used to dance a lot in front of him, when he was little, because he liked it.

Aida came over, and they all went out to look at places. It would be a blessing if they lived close, but Aida didn't like the price for the places. I took a long deep nap, and when I woke up they were packing up to go to the mall. They took William, and I just picked them up. William is knocked out, he was stimulated by all the excitement but now he's knocked out. Aida offered to take him over night, but I wanted William near.

170. Stomach

My meditation on Tuesday morning was "ruined" by fantasies of writing a book on parenting for Buddhist. Diana staggered to bed at 10:30, and said, "I need to go to bed." I watched him and enjoyed him, then got very sleep and wished very much for him to go to sleep. He got fussy, perhaps picking up on my discontent. His fussing woke his mother up, and she put him to sleep at midnight. Sweet Diana said, "at least I got an hours sleep." But in the morning she reported she was very tired. While Alex scrubbed away in the kitchen, I secretly wished she would say, "Let me take him," but she was into her scrubbing, and I did not bring up the topic myself. William slept late, and I had to wake him up and taking him to Abuela's.

William was excited as always to see me when I came home. The house was immaculate, Alex went to town on the other parts of the apartment. It's really a blessing for her to help us out this way and really clean up the apartment. And it's spurred me to keep the place cleaner, it give me hope.

I gave William a bath Tuesday night. It was sweet. I love giving him a bath. He loves splashing the water. He doesn't cry when you get water in his eyes. He's such a sweaty. It's hard not to do this vague gushing when writing about him. I know it might seem a bit boring to read, but I'm struggling to write about it in a way that conveys what happens.

William had taken to trying to ingest me. He chews on Diana's and Virginia's chin, maybe others. But he's stayed way from mine. Too much stubble. But he does it anyway, which I am flattered by, he wants to ingest me, internalize me.

We found William sleeping on his stomach in the morning. He's also shrugging his shoulders at times. He can walk with help! He's quite amazing.

Wednesday I took William over to Trebor's. Trebor was very good with William and he was kind about the mess William made during dinner. He ate some pasta and bread. When I say "ate" I think gnawed, or gummed. Vajramati thought he really grew up. I'm glad he's getting experience with my Buddhist friends. William profits much by his time with Trebor and Vajramati

Thursday morning William read the paper with me in bed. He's been doing that all week. We get into bed. I give him the section he wants (the ones I won't read) and he plays. He plays pretty well. I like our little routine.

I arrived home to find Diana, William, LayLa and Alex. It promises to be an interesting evening. Diana's mom says William is doing more and more different things.

169. Clean!

William scratched up his face a little last night. He went to bed at midnight and slept through the night. He woke up, sucked down a bottle, and I changed his soaked diaper. We played a little, and at 8 I took him over to Abuela's.

Alex slept over, she wants to clean the house to make some money because she's had trouble finding work, and we could use some cleaning. She's attacked the kitchen today, it's amazing.

William shrugs his shoulders. He's so cute. Every little thing he does is so cute. I guess other people don't think it's cute, or are not so interested in William.

Paul asked me the question, "would you be willing to learn to drive more safely?" I wanted to say no, but I had to say yes. I don't think I drive very safely, but I do drive quickly. With William in the car, I do drive safely.

Elizabeth said, "William will have the best traits of both of you." My mind went spinning, what would they be? I hope he picks up the best from us.

William ripped into the corner of his eye, right of the nose. He cries when you wipe his nose, it's sore from his cold. Diana's mother said he was clingy today, she couldn't cook, so she brought him to Alex, and she cleaned with him in the backpack. He pulled her head to the side, by pulling her hair, so he could see what she was doing.

168. Steps

William took steps when you walked him as an infant, in the doctor's office. He said it's a primitive instinct. But he's been standing, holding onto things, but not moving his legs. Diana's said she's seen a step or two. But last night while Virginia was guiding him, he took steps. It was quite amazing.

He's also sleeping on his side sometimes, he doesn't just sleep on his back all splayed out. Last night I went to bed, I couldn't finish watching Shrek 2. I woke up to see Diana put William in bed. Then she came to bed shortly. And then Virginia came in and took William. She said he woke up once in the night because he couldn't breath with all the mucus on his nose.

We were not organized enough to pack up and go home, dropping Diana off at her class, where she has a test today. So I just took Diana in, and we left William. I got back here by 9, and William was up.

Diana was studying last night, while I took care of him and watched The Last samurai. The samurai is a weird combination of some elements of Buddhism, discipline and violence, practicality. From a Buddhist point of view, you harm people. It's much better to be harmed than to harm someone else, though you should try to avoid being harmed. The last samurai could have just retired and gone off, but he chose not to. In the Korean Buddhist movie that came out recently, there's wacky seen where the "Buddhist" does a bunch of karate moves. I think "martial arts" have nothing to do with Buddhism, in my opinion. Martial arts uses meditation and is inspired by mindfulness and influenced by Buddhism, but I think it gets one point wrong--that violence is the solution, even if it's self defense. Self defense could be way before violence.

Last night, overhearing Diana talk to Alex, she said she'd caved into to all the opinions, everyone thought he should get a hair cut, and that she regrets letting us get the hair cut. I felt guilty, at railroading her. I was so caught up in my idea that he should not have hair in his eyes, that I did not see how important this is for Diana. I think William is cute, but I don't want to make his mother unhappy.

Eating has been difficult lately. Last night he flailed with his harms, hitting the spoon and the saucer the food was in, twice, making a mess. This morning I think I got more oatmeal on my shirt than I got into his mouth. He really wants to feed himself, but I'm afraid he's not coordinated enough yet to even attempt. But that's coming up close, he clearly wants to do it, and he's pretty insistent, which I do like.

His crawling is getting closer. I'm putting things out of his reach to create the tension to get to it. He moves forward, but one leg is still under him, not behind him. Sometimes he falls over on his face. He's still unstable, but he's really interested. I think his arms are strong enough, but he's having trouble coordinating his legs. His legs are strong for standing, but not so much at the angles of crawling.

He's more vocal. I know I've said it's more and more complex, but I see even more complexity, volume, and control. No words yet, but I see him getting close. He puts everything in his mouth, he slobbers over everything. I read in the What To Expect The First Year book that you need to worry more about the chemical cleaning agents on things, than things being dirty. He has had a runny nose that goes back and forth, since we've come back from Chicago.

Everything seems on the brink now, he's getting close to doing a lot more, functioning in way he hasn't yet, and that will change his consciousness drastically. He seems to be in between all this stuff, and the baby that he once was. It's gradual, these things are stages in my head, but I don't think they really exist.

167. Haircut!

Diana finally let William get a hair cut. His hair was below his nose, it was getting in his eyes. She was very conflicted, but Virginia said to do it, so she followed Virginia's advice. We went to a cute little place, and they did a good job. Diana cried and cried, and then was angry at me for a while, but she recovered by the time we'd done some shopping at Babies 'R Us. He looks different, and you can see his face. I go to put the hair out of his eyes, but there's none in his eyes. Even with the hair cut, a woman said, "how old is she?" and I had to admit to Diana that it wasn't only the hair that was throwing people off, as I maintained, but that also people are just stupid, which is what she maintained. We went to Red Lobster for lunch, and William fell asleep. We came home, and he's still sleeping. Virginia went out shopping.

Virginia helped us last night. I snuck off to bed, and got a good night sleep. Virginia went to bed, but Diana put him in bed with her, when she went to sleep. I really appreciate the one night of sleep, without worries. Virginia is very kind, and Diana is very kind for not waking me up, because she said William went to bed at 12:30. I got up and read the paper for a while, before everyone woke up, a nice treat. Maybe rested and relaxed, taken care of by Virginia, Diana had the strength to let William get a hair cut today. I really like him with shorter hair.

166 Gigi to the rescue

We're in NJ in the warm comfort of Virginia's company. We were all very glad to see her back, we missed her. Diana's mother takes care of William during the day, and it's so huge, it's hard to imagine. But it's easier to imagine that Virginia will sleep with William tonight and give us some rest. Increase our margin for error, which has shrunken to quite small. We need all the help we can get, but sleep is my favorite help. Virginia is very helpful in many other ways, but I dearly dearly miss sleep. There's a new study out on life contentment, and I think sleep was the most important thing.

We drove out, even though I need a new clutch. I'll try and get one Sunday, and will probably not get one till Monday. William and Diana slept in the car. We got here before Virginia. Surprise. She said call before we come out, but we just came out. We're so keen to be here.

Gigi thinks William has grown, she's getting all caught up on his new developments. I'm very glad she is so devoted to him.

I've just downloaded the photos from her trip onto her computer, so I can take pictures of William. She's got a good camera, and it's easier to load up from her computer, the software is better for Windows, for Snapfish. On my Mac I need to choose every picture, and on hers I can just upload what I've just downloaded onto her computer from the camera. Saves time, and her camera is better. Don't tell Diana I said that, she gets touchy, because she bought my camera, which I do love.

165. Attachment

William went to bed at 11:30 Monday night. He woke up at 3. He gave a semi-confused smile to Abuela after not seeing her for a long time. But I'm sure he remembered quickly. When I got back over there at night, William was not interested in me, he wanted to see Natasia. He prefers young children already, not his father. I was a bit taken aback by his lack of interest in me, but I have to accept what is.

I took advantage of the situation to come home and read. I read walking your child outdoors in the early months helps them to get the night day cycle. Wish I would have known that. William tends to nap from 7-8, and then stay up late. He's going to be exhausted tonight with all the hubbub.

Diana says she breast fed him at 10:30 and he konked out. When she went to put him in his snow suit, he started wailing. He slept through the night, Diana fed him at 5. I got up at 6, meditated, and drove them to work. William was happy that I held him before I left. He got upset when I left. I felt terrible. I came and visited at lunch time. He's got a cold and he keeps putting his tongue out to lick his snot. When I got home in the evening he napped, and then was weepy, wouldn't let me put him down. He's OK now. He's got a cold, seems to have gotten it after the flight home from Chicago.