Harry just came over. He wanted the car seat. I went out to get it. He said, "how's your boy Kerry." Much better than Bush, thank you.
Abuela was holding William, they had driven the 3 blocks without a car seat. If Diana finds out she'd kill her mother. Harry was trying to get me to walk away without looking at the car. Harry said they were like Mexicans packed in, his little Sentra. I asked him if he wanted a gas guzzling SUV, a manly SUV. I pointed to a Tundra parked in front of him. He said he'd like a truck. Emma and William in their car seats, Abuela, Angie, and AJ on her lap. Harry driving. I told him not to drive like his usual driving. I told him if a car is about to hit the side, he has to take the hit so William doesn't get hit. He said OK. I asked them if they wanted me to take William back. They said no.
They were going to get the dresses in Jamaica, for the children, for Jessica's sweet 16 party this weekend. It's a big party and all. I trust them, even though they're playing a little loose with my son for 3 blocks. I don't think that is a big deal, at least they came over and got the car seat. I don't think Diana would like it though. I'm not sure how to tell her about it. But I will.
Thursday, September 30, 2004
111. Klein
William did not wake up in the night, for the third night in a row, but went to bed late. That seems to be the key to no night wake up. He woke up, and didn't want to eat, which is very unusual. He fell back asleep, and when he woke up again, he did not want to eat. He did not eat much when he woke up again, and he was burping, like he was having some digestion problems. Maybe that's why he grabbed my neck skin and twisted this morning, or maybe why he keeps taking off my glasses today.
I video taped him for a while playing. I try to stay out of it, but I have a hard time not commenting. I held him and walked him. I laid him in his crib and put on the crinkly socks. He can go for short periods of time without me, but not for long. I ate some breakfast in front of him. He was fascinated. I can't wait till he can eat with me, eat what I eat.
I wonder if that's going to be a nightmare for him now, me eating. Supposedly being eaten up by your parents is a fear of children. They want to eat and internalize, the good breast the bad breast, according to Klein. That sounds a little far fetched, but it sounds a little true too. Watching William, I have come to believe Klein wacky interpretations. I like the story of Karen Horney's kid going to Klein and putting interpretations into everyone's mailbox. She was not continued with Klein after that. In Klein's Narrative of a Child Analysis, she keeps talking in the most provocative way. I open to a random page, and I read this: "Mrs. K interpreted the stamping, shouting and angry scribbling as expressing his feelings that he had bombed and soiled Daddy with his feces and urine, that he was like Hitler marching and goose-stepping." That's a light interpretation by her, I think.
I video taped him for a while playing. I try to stay out of it, but I have a hard time not commenting. I held him and walked him. I laid him in his crib and put on the crinkly socks. He can go for short periods of time without me, but not for long. I ate some breakfast in front of him. He was fascinated. I can't wait till he can eat with me, eat what I eat.
I wonder if that's going to be a nightmare for him now, me eating. Supposedly being eaten up by your parents is a fear of children. They want to eat and internalize, the good breast the bad breast, according to Klein. That sounds a little far fetched, but it sounds a little true too. Watching William, I have come to believe Klein wacky interpretations. I like the story of Karen Horney's kid going to Klein and putting interpretations into everyone's mailbox. She was not continued with Klein after that. In Klein's Narrative of a Child Analysis, she keeps talking in the most provocative way. I open to a random page, and I read this: "Mrs. K interpreted the stamping, shouting and angry scribbling as expressing his feelings that he had bombed and soiled Daddy with his feces and urine, that he was like Hitler marching and goose-stepping." That's a light interpretation by her, I think.
110. There for him.
Diana woke me up, she wanted a ride. The traffic was not so great because of all the flooding last night. We got a record amount of rain yesterday, more rain yesterday than the whole September average. William was awake in the car, but he doesn't complain on the ride home, because he's asleep.
He wakes up the instant we get home. He played for a while, and I put him in the swing for a while, and put some clothes away. Then I laid there and watched him swing till his mounting frustration and complaints got him out of the swing. I read some to him. He kept trying to put the books in his mouth. Then I put the crinkly toy socks on him and video taped it. Then I video taped him in his crib, and then feeding him.
I made the oatmeal too watery, and had to add more, and that's annoying because I want to learn how to make this oatmeal for him. I put a little formula and a little sweet potato baby food, to give it a touch of taste. He grabs the spoon, which makes it difficult to feed him. He chews on it, and then generally spreads around the food with his hands.
He was sleepy, but he didn't go down easily, and I called Abuela. She was disappointed William didn't come over yesterday, so I took him over.
Diana was angry with me, because I asked her to watch William for me for a little bit, and I was reading. I'm exhausted by the night time, and I want to read a little bit. But she's behind in her paper work and feeling lots of pressure. I'm not sure whether to cancel tonight, or to bring William to my dharma study with Vajramati. William woke up again before I fell asleep, and I came out and laid on the couch with him and finished my book.
Boy I'm tired. I should take a nap. I went and got some food, I don't really eat with William awake. I barely get to go to the bathroom. And I'm trying more and more to ignore the paper or anything, and just be there for him.
He wakes up the instant we get home. He played for a while, and I put him in the swing for a while, and put some clothes away. Then I laid there and watched him swing till his mounting frustration and complaints got him out of the swing. I read some to him. He kept trying to put the books in his mouth. Then I put the crinkly toy socks on him and video taped it. Then I video taped him in his crib, and then feeding him.
I made the oatmeal too watery, and had to add more, and that's annoying because I want to learn how to make this oatmeal for him. I put a little formula and a little sweet potato baby food, to give it a touch of taste. He grabs the spoon, which makes it difficult to feed him. He chews on it, and then generally spreads around the food with his hands.
He was sleepy, but he didn't go down easily, and I called Abuela. She was disappointed William didn't come over yesterday, so I took him over.
Diana was angry with me, because I asked her to watch William for me for a little bit, and I was reading. I'm exhausted by the night time, and I want to read a little bit. But she's behind in her paper work and feeling lots of pressure. I'm not sure whether to cancel tonight, or to bring William to my dharma study with Vajramati. William woke up again before I fell asleep, and I came out and laid on the couch with him and finished my book.
Boy I'm tired. I should take a nap. I went and got some food, I don't really eat with William awake. I barely get to go to the bathroom. And I'm trying more and more to ignore the paper or anything, and just be there for him.
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
109. Swamped Mother
William slept from 1 to 7. Diana took the bus to work for the first time in 4 weeks. She gets rides from me and her father.
He woke up, drank some milk, and then went back to sleep for another hour. He got up at 8, and we hung out for a while. He likes to play with his hands and his feet. I put the crinkly socks on and he played with his feet that way for a while. His hands are so strong. He grabs my neck skin and twists. We watched a little of Sesame Street, and Jakers
He had another little turn in his diaper. He's been squeaking out angry little pellets. Meanwhile, I had to leave him in the crib for a while, while I dealt with the opposite problem. You'd think we were both in the anal stage, but William is into oral. Right now while I write this he has a chupa in his mouth and he's playing the foot piano in his crib. I have the monitor on to hear the building storm of discontent, before it gets out of hand.
Jeanne is dropping her rain on NYC today. I fed William some oatmeal with pears and milk mixed in a little bit. He likes to play and eat. He tried to suck the tray. He's good at keeping the food in, not spitting it out, but he's not so good at opening up and going with my ideas of how much he should eat.
He's taken 2 naps. One for 30 minutes, and one where he woke up, drank some milk, and went back to sleep and let me read some. I put him in his crib, which he'll be sleeping in next week, and turned on the monitor.
Diana's mother called. "Why didn't I bring the baby over?" I called and nobody answered. She sounded so disappointed.
He woke up, and Diana came home just in time, another bathroom emergency. I took a nap later, and when I woke up and he was in a weird mood. He was fussy and went through cycles of sleeping and wakefulness. He went to bed, and we were heading towards sleep and he woke up again, and sucked down a 4 oz bottle of formula. I fed him, rocked and then walked him back to sleep. Poor Diana is overwhelmed by work, and my not wanting to do much in the evening.
He woke up, drank some milk, and then went back to sleep for another hour. He got up at 8, and we hung out for a while. He likes to play with his hands and his feet. I put the crinkly socks on and he played with his feet that way for a while. His hands are so strong. He grabs my neck skin and twists. We watched a little of Sesame Street, and Jakers
He had another little turn in his diaper. He's been squeaking out angry little pellets. Meanwhile, I had to leave him in the crib for a while, while I dealt with the opposite problem. You'd think we were both in the anal stage, but William is into oral. Right now while I write this he has a chupa in his mouth and he's playing the foot piano in his crib. I have the monitor on to hear the building storm of discontent, before it gets out of hand.
Jeanne is dropping her rain on NYC today. I fed William some oatmeal with pears and milk mixed in a little bit. He likes to play and eat. He tried to suck the tray. He's good at keeping the food in, not spitting it out, but he's not so good at opening up and going with my ideas of how much he should eat.
He's taken 2 naps. One for 30 minutes, and one where he woke up, drank some milk, and went back to sleep and let me read some. I put him in his crib, which he'll be sleeping in next week, and turned on the monitor.
Diana's mother called. "Why didn't I bring the baby over?" I called and nobody answered. She sounded so disappointed.
He woke up, and Diana came home just in time, another bathroom emergency. I took a nap later, and when I woke up and he was in a weird mood. He was fussy and went through cycles of sleeping and wakefulness. He went to bed, and we were heading towards sleep and he woke up again, and sucked down a 4 oz bottle of formula. I fed him, rocked and then walked him back to sleep. Poor Diana is overwhelmed by work, and my not wanting to do much in the evening.
108. Light Sleep
Senior Poopy Pants. He went to the bathroom 3 times today. He never stops. He rolled over while he was with Abuela and Abuelo. He spent the day with them.
I'm missing him, my arms ache for him. I had an interview at Addabbo. I got to show Tina, Kathy, and Jeff photos of my baby. They feel like family to me, not in-laws or even friends I've come to see as family, because they can choose me, but I can't choose them. A work family, even though I haven't seen them since I left. It's odd. I hope I'm the best qualified candidate for the job there. I would really like to be reunited with my work family. If not there will be others.
Sunday Eric and Diego got to hang out with William. Veronica, Abuelo, Abuela, Aida and Natasia came. There was a family gathering. I took William upstairs because I thought he was over stimulated. Upstairs, he kept looking around, like he expected something to happen. I read that as him wanting to see what's going on. I took him back down stairs. Diana said, "were you projecting?!"
Jeff said his son started sleeping through the night when he got his own room. William has one more week of the bassinet in our room. Josephine is getting close to her due date, and she wants it back. We could have taken it apart and taken it to Virginia's last week, but I didn't want to. Even though I try to embrace change, my heart sunk when Virginia said he might be cutting his first tooth. What milestone is that? Diana says he can sometimes be rough on her nipple. I said take him off, shape that behavior quickly. She laughs at me.
Don in Seattle says I need to read to my baby every day. So I read him some of the book I was reading, while he wiggled on the bed. Later he fell asleep and Diana put him next to me. He usually wakes up from his first attempt at sleep, so she didn't put him in the bassinet. He arches for food, then gets angry when it's not there. I take him to his momma, and she feeds him.
William has the cutest outfit on when I come home, after Bob has helped me with my flat tire. He has on a kind of Hawaiian shirt and shorts. Diana says, "they're one of Aida's sister's clothes she gave us, that still had the tags on, they were never worn." She also said Natasia called up all excited that William had turned over. I have a pang of guilt because I didn't spend much time with her on Sunday when I saw her, I was too wrapped up in William or my book.
William sometimes gets distracted by his hand, by his wrist. Tonight he turned around and smiled at his mother. He likes attention and smiling can get it. Bob says they a good photos, he smiles for the camera.
William went to bed, but he woke up after midnight. He thrashes for a while, you hear the thump of his feet as he lifts them and lets them drop. He grunts, and sighs and breaths heavily. But last night I could not really hear that over Diana's snoring, so he had to give a little cry. Back to bed for me.
I'm missing him, my arms ache for him. I had an interview at Addabbo. I got to show Tina, Kathy, and Jeff photos of my baby. They feel like family to me, not in-laws or even friends I've come to see as family, because they can choose me, but I can't choose them. A work family, even though I haven't seen them since I left. It's odd. I hope I'm the best qualified candidate for the job there. I would really like to be reunited with my work family. If not there will be others.
Sunday Eric and Diego got to hang out with William. Veronica, Abuelo, Abuela, Aida and Natasia came. There was a family gathering. I took William upstairs because I thought he was over stimulated. Upstairs, he kept looking around, like he expected something to happen. I read that as him wanting to see what's going on. I took him back down stairs. Diana said, "were you projecting?!"
Jeff said his son started sleeping through the night when he got his own room. William has one more week of the bassinet in our room. Josephine is getting close to her due date, and she wants it back. We could have taken it apart and taken it to Virginia's last week, but I didn't want to. Even though I try to embrace change, my heart sunk when Virginia said he might be cutting his first tooth. What milestone is that? Diana says he can sometimes be rough on her nipple. I said take him off, shape that behavior quickly. She laughs at me.
Don in Seattle says I need to read to my baby every day. So I read him some of the book I was reading, while he wiggled on the bed. Later he fell asleep and Diana put him next to me. He usually wakes up from his first attempt at sleep, so she didn't put him in the bassinet. He arches for food, then gets angry when it's not there. I take him to his momma, and she feeds him.
William has the cutest outfit on when I come home, after Bob has helped me with my flat tire. He has on a kind of Hawaiian shirt and shorts. Diana says, "they're one of Aida's sister's clothes she gave us, that still had the tags on, they were never worn." She also said Natasia called up all excited that William had turned over. I have a pang of guilt because I didn't spend much time with her on Sunday when I saw her, I was too wrapped up in William or my book.
William sometimes gets distracted by his hand, by his wrist. Tonight he turned around and smiled at his mother. He likes attention and smiling can get it. Bob says they a good photos, he smiles for the camera.
William went to bed, but he woke up after midnight. He thrashes for a while, you hear the thump of his feet as he lifts them and lets them drop. He grunts, and sighs and breaths heavily. But last night I could not really hear that over Diana's snoring, so he had to give a little cry. Back to bed for me.
Sunday, September 26, 2004
107. Hazel Eyes
Last night putting clothes on the drying rack with Virginia I was just awed by how cute his little clothes are. Women used to coo and ah over baby clothing, but I never really got into that. But putting his clothing onto the drying rack, I began to do that.
Last night for dinner he had carrots and later bananas. The bananas did not taste too much like bananas to me. Diana bought organic baby food for William. She's such a good mother.
He seemed to fall asleep, but he rebounded, woke up and fed and lingered for quite a while.
He let us watch Runaway Jury last night, which I ended up liking more than I thought I would. With Matchstick Men last weekend, I had a dream of a complicated scam, where I get caught at the last minute.
Virginia says he did not wake up until 6 to be fed. He was tired last night. Shopping, being out in the world is rather tiring for him.
Diana says his eyes are turning hazel. I think they are not as grey as they used to be, and she may be right.
Diana put him on the ground (with a blanket beneath him) and tried to entice him to turn by putting the toys out of reach. He decline the opportunity. We fed him oatmeal for breakfast. A little of the fruit and milk mixed in. My mom said I wouldn't eat oatmeal unless some fruit was mixed in. I called her as she was driving back to Santa Fe, after a sister's reunion. My mother says, what is the new thing he's doing, and that he's a genius. She's too funny.
I went nutso again taking more pictures of him last night and today. I uploaded more photos on Snapfish. I created a file of copies of favorites. Virginia is holding William now. Diana is taking a nap. The family is on the way over to celebrate Abuela and Abuelo's wedding anniversary. They're going to give them the family photo they shot.
Sitting up here typing away, I'm yearning for William. My arms yearn for him, to hold him, to hug him, to feel him squirm and try to get what he wants.
Last night for dinner he had carrots and later bananas. The bananas did not taste too much like bananas to me. Diana bought organic baby food for William. She's such a good mother.
He seemed to fall asleep, but he rebounded, woke up and fed and lingered for quite a while.
He let us watch Runaway Jury last night, which I ended up liking more than I thought I would. With Matchstick Men last weekend, I had a dream of a complicated scam, where I get caught at the last minute.
Virginia says he did not wake up until 6 to be fed. He was tired last night. Shopping, being out in the world is rather tiring for him.
Diana says his eyes are turning hazel. I think they are not as grey as they used to be, and she may be right.
Diana put him on the ground (with a blanket beneath him) and tried to entice him to turn by putting the toys out of reach. He decline the opportunity. We fed him oatmeal for breakfast. A little of the fruit and milk mixed in. My mom said I wouldn't eat oatmeal unless some fruit was mixed in. I called her as she was driving back to Santa Fe, after a sister's reunion. My mother says, what is the new thing he's doing, and that he's a genius. She's too funny.
I went nutso again taking more pictures of him last night and today. I uploaded more photos on Snapfish. I created a file of copies of favorites. Virginia is holding William now. Diana is taking a nap. The family is on the way over to celebrate Abuela and Abuelo's wedding anniversary. They're going to give them the family photo they shot.
Sitting up here typing away, I'm yearning for William. My arms yearn for him, to hold him, to hug him, to feel him squirm and try to get what he wants.
Saturday, September 25, 2004
106. Tooth?
I haven't written in a while. I like it, but sometimes it can be a bit much. Thursday I took care of William from the time I dropped Diana off at work (8), till she got back from a teachers store at 6:30. He did take a 2.5 hour nap, which made the last hours easy. Quite a long nap. That was a long day, but wonderful. I would not naturally choose to take care of him alone for such a long time, but somehow it worked out, and I didn't feel like aggressively looking for help. But the next day I let Abuela take care of him all day. Now it's the weekend, and Virginia helps out. Tomorrow the whole family will be here.
Developments: It looks like William might cough for attention. He coughs quite a lot at times, and he's figured out it gets us to look. Diana and I had the thoughts independently before we spoke it.
I fed him alone, and there's a web site of it. He had sweet potatoes. Rich says it looks red, but it's orange.
He makes the peace sign. He holds up two fingers. I think he likes the way it looks sometimes.
Thursday night there were 3 bottles of formula left, I didn't imagine with Diana home, we would run out. But he stayed up till 1, and there was only half a bottle left. Diana woke me up at 6:30 to tell me that. She left, with 4 hours sleep, for work. Before she left, she called her mother to see if they had any formula. They did not. Since her mother was awake, I asked if she could get us some formula, even though she gets home at 2 in the morning from her job cleaning offices. Bunch of hard workers, these Salazar women.
She called me Thursday, she missed seeing William. She went to Veronica's graduation, that was why she could not help me, and then went straight to work. So she was pining to see William, so I let her have him. Virginia laughs when I say that I'm not sure how much to hold onto him, and how much to share. She says that her mother will never say she can't take care of William. And I have seen other's take advantage of her willingness to see her grand children. I do not want to do that. I hope I did not do that Friday. And what did I do? I meditated, made a web site, and then watched 6 hours of Angels In America, a very powerful play.
Last night Virginia took care of William overnight. I fell asleep early, and Diana came to bed around midnight. Virginia says William woke up at 4 for feeding. When we woke up at 8:30, they were awake. Diana got 8 hours, that must have felt good for her. I say this, not as rationalization for my actions, but as appreciation of strength. I think women don't need as much sleep. Virginia functions fine.
This morning I used Virginia's digital camera to take a whole mess of photos of William. I uploaded them to Snapfish. I really hope Snapfish does not go out of business. I have a lot of photos stored there. I guess we have backups on her computer and mine, but all this digital information. I should buy a backup disk drive. I ordered hard copies. He's such a cuttie.
When I didn't see him from 8-3 on Friday I missed him terribly. They have gone shopping with him, and he's been gone for a few hours. I can't wait to see him.
I had a horrible sinking feeling when Virginia said she felt a tooth. It might just be a ridge in his gum, but he also might be cutting a tooth.
Developments: It looks like William might cough for attention. He coughs quite a lot at times, and he's figured out it gets us to look. Diana and I had the thoughts independently before we spoke it.
I fed him alone, and there's a web site of it. He had sweet potatoes. Rich says it looks red, but it's orange.
He makes the peace sign. He holds up two fingers. I think he likes the way it looks sometimes.
Thursday night there were 3 bottles of formula left, I didn't imagine with Diana home, we would run out. But he stayed up till 1, and there was only half a bottle left. Diana woke me up at 6:30 to tell me that. She left, with 4 hours sleep, for work. Before she left, she called her mother to see if they had any formula. They did not. Since her mother was awake, I asked if she could get us some formula, even though she gets home at 2 in the morning from her job cleaning offices. Bunch of hard workers, these Salazar women.
She called me Thursday, she missed seeing William. She went to Veronica's graduation, that was why she could not help me, and then went straight to work. So she was pining to see William, so I let her have him. Virginia laughs when I say that I'm not sure how much to hold onto him, and how much to share. She says that her mother will never say she can't take care of William. And I have seen other's take advantage of her willingness to see her grand children. I do not want to do that. I hope I did not do that Friday. And what did I do? I meditated, made a web site, and then watched 6 hours of Angels In America, a very powerful play.
Last night Virginia took care of William overnight. I fell asleep early, and Diana came to bed around midnight. Virginia says William woke up at 4 for feeding. When we woke up at 8:30, they were awake. Diana got 8 hours, that must have felt good for her. I say this, not as rationalization for my actions, but as appreciation of strength. I think women don't need as much sleep. Virginia functions fine.
This morning I used Virginia's digital camera to take a whole mess of photos of William. I uploaded them to Snapfish. I really hope Snapfish does not go out of business. I have a lot of photos stored there. I guess we have backups on her computer and mine, but all this digital information. I should buy a backup disk drive. I ordered hard copies. He's such a cuttie.
When I didn't see him from 8-3 on Friday I missed him terribly. They have gone shopping with him, and he's been gone for a few hours. I can't wait to see him.
I had a horrible sinking feeling when Virginia said she felt a tooth. It might just be a ridge in his gum, but he also might be cutting a tooth.
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
105. Bam! Bam!
William cried when Diana went to the bathroom, after she got home. William cried when I went out. He's starting to get attached to us. He's not consistent. But he's doing it more and more. Like holding the bottle. When he holds the bottle, he wiggles it back and forth some. He likes to move his wrists. He moves his fingers and wrists. He's holding the bottle more consistently.
I went to bed very early last night, and when William woke up around 2:30, I had just woken up from a dream. I don't even think he woke up, he just kept thrashing and thrashing, grunting and sighing. I thought I'd feed him, because I was awake, and he seemed close to being awake. So he drank the bottle of breast milk with his eyes closed. I changed his diaper, and he finished the rest of the bottle. I walked him for a while to make sure he was asleep, and then when I put him down, I meditated for 30 minutes. I was so jazzed up, that I had to read for a little while to fall asleep.
William woke up close to the cut off time for Diana not to breast feed him. I had to get him out of the bed, which is always very hard somehow half asleep. He seems so heavy. She fed him, but he did not fall asleep. She laid him down next to me, and he proceeded to whack me in the face a few times, until I moved away from his arm swinging. He seems to be into being "bam bam" today, he was whacking himself in the leg, and I worried he would get a bruise. He's really physically active today, the most I've ever seen him.
He woke me up early, and somehow I was very tired. How can I wake up easily in the night, and then not so easily in the morning? I think it has to do with sleep accumulation and patterns.
He took a short nap with me. Then he played with his toys, and watched some PBS. At one point I changed the channel, to watch some sports news, and when I picked him up, her grabbed the remote, and started changing channels. I helped him to pick a kids channel, and he lost interest in the remote. Great, now he knows he can change the channel to something he likes. Before he just liked the colors, he would watch sports news with me. Now I'm going to be watching more children's programing. I do like some of it, Sesame Street, which is designed with the idea that parents are watching too, unlike Blues Clues which is designed with only the children in mind. Blues Clues is one of the most researched TV shows in the history of TV.
He rolled over on the couch. He went from back to front. Don't tell Diana, she'll want to see it herself for the first time. He's got a lot of energy today, he's wiggling, bam baming, and generally rocking and moving a lot. I took him for a walk, because he lays there when I walk, and it's good for me, and I hope good for him. We walk our block and then 2 more blocks and back. Not too far. I like to get out in the morning and the evening. I've been wearing shoes with socks for the first time in a long time. It's fall today, but it's getting warmer. I think the seasons should be based on temperatures, not dates in the calendar. I took him over to his Abuela's, because I've got to call to make an appointment for an interview. I should have 2 good interviews, good potential for a job amongst them. I'm hopeful. He was so cute, though, he seems to get cuter when I'm saying good bye to him. I'm still very ambivalent about going back to work.
I went to bed very early last night, and when William woke up around 2:30, I had just woken up from a dream. I don't even think he woke up, he just kept thrashing and thrashing, grunting and sighing. I thought I'd feed him, because I was awake, and he seemed close to being awake. So he drank the bottle of breast milk with his eyes closed. I changed his diaper, and he finished the rest of the bottle. I walked him for a while to make sure he was asleep, and then when I put him down, I meditated for 30 minutes. I was so jazzed up, that I had to read for a little while to fall asleep.
William woke up close to the cut off time for Diana not to breast feed him. I had to get him out of the bed, which is always very hard somehow half asleep. He seems so heavy. She fed him, but he did not fall asleep. She laid him down next to me, and he proceeded to whack me in the face a few times, until I moved away from his arm swinging. He seems to be into being "bam bam" today, he was whacking himself in the leg, and I worried he would get a bruise. He's really physically active today, the most I've ever seen him.
He woke me up early, and somehow I was very tired. How can I wake up easily in the night, and then not so easily in the morning? I think it has to do with sleep accumulation and patterns.
He took a short nap with me. Then he played with his toys, and watched some PBS. At one point I changed the channel, to watch some sports news, and when I picked him up, her grabbed the remote, and started changing channels. I helped him to pick a kids channel, and he lost interest in the remote. Great, now he knows he can change the channel to something he likes. Before he just liked the colors, he would watch sports news with me. Now I'm going to be watching more children's programing. I do like some of it, Sesame Street, which is designed with the idea that parents are watching too, unlike Blues Clues which is designed with only the children in mind. Blues Clues is one of the most researched TV shows in the history of TV.
He rolled over on the couch. He went from back to front. Don't tell Diana, she'll want to see it herself for the first time. He's got a lot of energy today, he's wiggling, bam baming, and generally rocking and moving a lot. I took him for a walk, because he lays there when I walk, and it's good for me, and I hope good for him. We walk our block and then 2 more blocks and back. Not too far. I like to get out in the morning and the evening. I've been wearing shoes with socks for the first time in a long time. It's fall today, but it's getting warmer. I think the seasons should be based on temperatures, not dates in the calendar. I took him over to his Abuela's, because I've got to call to make an appointment for an interview. I should have 2 good interviews, good potential for a job amongst them. I'm hopeful. He was so cute, though, he seems to get cuter when I'm saying good bye to him. I'm still very ambivalent about going back to work.
Tuesday, September 21, 2004
104. Sleep man!
William got up and I had to get up and get going. It's different getting up and going when with a child. I dropped William off at Alex's, and went into the city for my LMSW exam. I passed it, now I'm a LMSW. I got back there at 3:30, and William was asleep. He slept in the change of arms, slept in the car, and for a while at home. He woke up and we hung out until Diana got home. She said hello to him, hugged and kissed him, and then went to the bathroom. He cried when she went to the bathroom. When I went to therapy he cried when I left. When I got back he was in his high chair, eating. He fell asleep at 8:30, which means a 2 wake up for a stomach refill.
He slept for an hour, ate, awoke at 3:45, and then again at 7:30, and slept again till 8:30. He took a nap from 11:05 to 1:15. Quite the sleeper today. I took him over to his Abuela's some some grandma time, even though she has to go to work soon. Diana just called, she can't pick him up so I called Grandma and asked her to bring him over. I've just barely eaten lunch and made one phone call about a job and sent off one updated resume, and now I've got a little time to blog.
This morning he played with his toys while I glanced at the headlines. Then I walked him and fed him some more, and then I took him for a walk. Then I gave him a bath. During the bath he started crying, so I didn't get to wash his hair. I was worried he was cold, but I think he was hungry, because he sucked down a bottle. Then we took a long nap. He's so cute and adorable.
He slept for an hour, ate, awoke at 3:45, and then again at 7:30, and slept again till 8:30. He took a nap from 11:05 to 1:15. Quite the sleeper today. I took him over to his Abuela's some some grandma time, even though she has to go to work soon. Diana just called, she can't pick him up so I called Grandma and asked her to bring him over. I've just barely eaten lunch and made one phone call about a job and sent off one updated resume, and now I've got a little time to blog.
This morning he played with his toys while I glanced at the headlines. Then I walked him and fed him some more, and then I took him for a walk. Then I gave him a bath. During the bath he started crying, so I didn't get to wash his hair. I was worried he was cold, but I think he was hungry, because he sucked down a bottle. Then we took a long nap. He's so cute and adorable.
Sunday, September 19, 2004
103. Super Sleep
William slept 13.5 hours! I'll say he was tired. He woke up to the coldest his home has been, and I put on some long sleeved clothing for him. He drank a bottle, and then I went to the grocery for some toilet paper, which we ran out of, and took the long way home. It's a beautiful day. He's a bit intrigued by the longer clothing. He keeps bending his wrist back and forth, to see what happens to the sweater.
Diana says he woke up at 2:30, 5:30 and 7:30, finally waking up when I was awake at 9:30. Diana says at the 2:30 feeding he fed for 45 minutes. She was falling asleep, and trying to pull him off the boob, but it was like he was saying, "I finally got the boob, I'm not letting go."
Diana says William had a massive poop yesterday, 8 on the rating scale (Cliff has referred to it, so I include it).
Diana is taking William to church. She was asked to be Nicole's godmother, but she does not go to church enough. Her mother is going to stand in proxy. But she has to go to church to get a note saying she's a member, and her confirmation certificate. I should have gotten together with Gretchen last night, even though William would have howled all the way there, and then slept. She's been around the tri-state area (Conn., NY and NJ), but we haven't been able to hook up, and it looks like we won't.
Diana says he woke up at 2:30, 5:30 and 7:30, finally waking up when I was awake at 9:30. Diana says at the 2:30 feeding he fed for 45 minutes. She was falling asleep, and trying to pull him off the boob, but it was like he was saying, "I finally got the boob, I'm not letting go."
Diana says William had a massive poop yesterday, 8 on the rating scale (Cliff has referred to it, so I include it).
Diana is taking William to church. She was asked to be Nicole's godmother, but she does not go to church enough. Her mother is going to stand in proxy. But she has to go to church to get a note saying she's a member, and her confirmation certificate. I should have gotten together with Gretchen last night, even though William would have howled all the way there, and then slept. She's been around the tri-state area (Conn., NY and NJ), but we haven't been able to hook up, and it looks like we won't.
Saturday, September 18, 2004
102. Bitter tears
William got up at 8, with one night wake up. Diana got up both times, she's trying to breast feed him on her days off. Diana read the post about the tiff, and got upset. I wanted to read aloud the line, "I don't really think that." But she feels how she feels, talking usually does not help. I went off to my dharma group.
My dharma group lasted a long time and I got home late because i drove people home, because of all the flooding in the subway, and Diana was in a rush to go out to a concert. She was upset and yelled at me, when I was a short with her. After she left, I went out to get formula, we were all out. And when I got back, William cried and cried. His horrible crying jag, where he is inconsolable. I hate these crying fits, and this one lasted for 30 minutes. He finally fell out, and I watched Matchstick Men. An OK movie. He's still sleeping. He woke up once, and fed, with his eyes closed. I guess he's tired. I put him down twice, and he woke up immediately, so I held him for a long time. I put him down and he slept, but he woke up a little, and I held him again. There's nothing so wonderful as holding a sleeping William. He's so cute. I love my boy, and Diana, even if I do piss her off sometimes. I don't like to.
My dharma group lasted a long time and I got home late because i drove people home, because of all the flooding in the subway, and Diana was in a rush to go out to a concert. She was upset and yelled at me, when I was a short with her. After she left, I went out to get formula, we were all out. And when I got back, William cried and cried. His horrible crying jag, where he is inconsolable. I hate these crying fits, and this one lasted for 30 minutes. He finally fell out, and I watched Matchstick Men. An OK movie. He's still sleeping. He woke up once, and fed, with his eyes closed. I guess he's tired. I put him down twice, and he woke up immediately, so I held him for a long time. I put him down and he slept, but he woke up a little, and I held him again. There's nothing so wonderful as holding a sleeping William. He's so cute. I love my boy, and Diana, even if I do piss her off sometimes. I don't like to.
101. Tears
William got up at 7. I fed him, but he didn't eat much, unusual, given he had not woken up in the night to feed. I let him play for a while, and then I tried to feed him some more. He did not eat much, not more than 2 oz total. So I played with him and walked him. I picked him up, and he puked all over me. He's been burping a lot and farting, and I think eating peas and pears yesterday has been a bit of a shock to his system.
Diana woke up and tended to him, though I was hoping to let her sleep in. He fell back asleep around 9:15, but slept about 30 minutes and woke up. Diana put him in the crib and he played the piano with his feet, while we listened to his compositions on baby monitor. Diana ate breakfast, and I unclogged my wax clogged ear (#3 since William was born--better check that out). Then suddenly plans emerged, she had to get over to her mother's. So zip, she ran out, and now I can study, though now I just have an ache for my missing son, who pushed me away and held out his hands for her, much to her pleasure.
Last night when he cried when I walked away and stopped when I came back, I finally began to feel a kind of affection from him, somehow.
I picked Diana up from shopping and we drove into Manhattan to the East River Park, to see Bart's soccer game. We waited at the wrong field for a while, and then walked down to another one, where Friends was playing Trinity. Trinity won 4-0, or "nil" as Will said. It was fun to watch, but I was partially occupied with William. Bart got a little hurt, and he argued with the ref once. It seemed like a small field and Bart was in on some plays, he seemed to play well.
I went to dinner with Will and Bart. They woofed down their food like teenagers, and I had to wait till William got his fill of formula. It started to get loud at the bar, and one guy said to his rival, "I'd beat you up, if there wasn't that little girl there. People mistake William for a girl because he has long hair. A woman stopped us at the soccer game, and said, "my son had hair that long!"
Bart went off to visit a friend and I drove Will home. I went up to Cliff and Vava's and visited them with William. They are kind and interested in William, which is nice.
He cried all the way uptown in the car, and it was torture. He cried coming home too, and there were tears in his eyes. That kills me. There's nothing I could do. He was fed, and had a clean diaper, he just wanted comforting, but he had to make that distance without me in the child seat, in the back. I dislike traveling alone with him. I got home, and Diana got home soon after me, and he was happy we were all at home together.
Diana woke up and tended to him, though I was hoping to let her sleep in. He fell back asleep around 9:15, but slept about 30 minutes and woke up. Diana put him in the crib and he played the piano with his feet, while we listened to his compositions on baby monitor. Diana ate breakfast, and I unclogged my wax clogged ear (#3 since William was born--better check that out). Then suddenly plans emerged, she had to get over to her mother's. So zip, she ran out, and now I can study, though now I just have an ache for my missing son, who pushed me away and held out his hands for her, much to her pleasure.
Last night when he cried when I walked away and stopped when I came back, I finally began to feel a kind of affection from him, somehow.
I picked Diana up from shopping and we drove into Manhattan to the East River Park, to see Bart's soccer game. We waited at the wrong field for a while, and then walked down to another one, where Friends was playing Trinity. Trinity won 4-0, or "nil" as Will said. It was fun to watch, but I was partially occupied with William. Bart got a little hurt, and he argued with the ref once. It seemed like a small field and Bart was in on some plays, he seemed to play well.
I went to dinner with Will and Bart. They woofed down their food like teenagers, and I had to wait till William got his fill of formula. It started to get loud at the bar, and one guy said to his rival, "I'd beat you up, if there wasn't that little girl there. People mistake William for a girl because he has long hair. A woman stopped us at the soccer game, and said, "my son had hair that long!"
Bart went off to visit a friend and I drove Will home. I went up to Cliff and Vava's and visited them with William. They are kind and interested in William, which is nice.
He cried all the way uptown in the car, and it was torture. He cried coming home too, and there were tears in his eyes. That kills me. There's nothing I could do. He was fed, and had a clean diaper, he just wanted comforting, but he had to make that distance without me in the child seat, in the back. I dislike traveling alone with him. I got home, and Diana got home soon after me, and he was happy we were all at home together.
Thursday, September 16, 2004
100. Peas
William's first non-milk meal was peas. Abuela cooked up some pea soup peas, without the skin, and he ate it. He made a face, but thrashed for more. I video taped it, and Diana held him, and Abuela fed him. I gave him a huge spoon full, which he spit out and spread all over the place. It's going to be quite a mess when he eats. More laundry, more baths. He put some peas in his hair. I didn't get a picture, that's my next recording job. I thought video of the first one. I think Virginia might come over tonight to feed him today too.
Then we tried the mashed pears. He ate a bit of that too, Diana wouldn't let him finish the jar, he could only eat half. Then he drank some milk, cried and fell asleep. We walked home, and he slept in the carriage.
Diana says cereal in the morning and vegetable and fruit, in that order, for lunch and dinner. He'll begin meat at 6 months, I could not convince her to have William be a vegetarian.
Then we tried the mashed pears. He ate a bit of that too, Diana wouldn't let him finish the jar, he could only eat half. Then he drank some milk, cried and fell asleep. We walked home, and he slept in the carriage.
Diana says cereal in the morning and vegetable and fruit, in that order, for lunch and dinner. He'll begin meat at 6 months, I could not convince her to have William be a vegetarian.
99. Tiff
Diana might be mad about me writing about this in public. I have to take a practice exam, and I need to clear my head a little bit before I do so. Diana let me sleep this morning and I woke up leisurely. I was gearing toward studying, but Diana wanted help, which I don't want to begrudge her. I was changing William, and I left him on the changing table, and she got mad. She does not want me to do that, leave him unattended on the changing table. I agree with her, but sometimes I dash here or there. This time to see if she approved of an outfit. She didn't and I put his tie died onesy on. But she got very upset at me. My point, which I'm sure did not difuse the situation is that, nothing happened. No harm, no foul. She pursued the line of what if, and I persued the line of history: Nothing has happened, no need to get angry. Plus I agree with her.
When I go over later to Abuela's, where they are now, we're going to feed William for the first time, something other than breast milk or formula.
Last night Virginia came over, and I went to bed early. I got a lot of sleep last night. Diana, the opposite. I'm not being a baby, or not so much of a baby, I need some sleep to study for my exam. She has a 4 day weekend. Once this is over Monday, I've got no reason to expect special treatment. I did not even ask for it, she gave it to me. And with Virginia over, she had some company. I wonder if she's afraid I will leave it all to her. On the other hand, she comes home and relaxes, and doesn't pick up William right away and leaves messes, and I think, "you come home from work and you want to relax! What have I been doing all day?!" Like an agrieved housewife. But I don't really feel that way. I'm sure her backlog of complaints about me and my lack of them, means the balance is way in my favor. I'm trying very hard to take care of William and her.
William meanwhile is as cute as ever, with his smile, his wiggles, drool, and his talking to the hand (because it understands?).
When I go over later to Abuela's, where they are now, we're going to feed William for the first time, something other than breast milk or formula.
Last night Virginia came over, and I went to bed early. I got a lot of sleep last night. Diana, the opposite. I'm not being a baby, or not so much of a baby, I need some sleep to study for my exam. She has a 4 day weekend. Once this is over Monday, I've got no reason to expect special treatment. I did not even ask for it, she gave it to me. And with Virginia over, she had some company. I wonder if she's afraid I will leave it all to her. On the other hand, she comes home and relaxes, and doesn't pick up William right away and leaves messes, and I think, "you come home from work and you want to relax! What have I been doing all day?!" Like an agrieved housewife. But I don't really feel that way. I'm sure her backlog of complaints about me and my lack of them, means the balance is way in my favor. I'm trying very hard to take care of William and her.
William meanwhile is as cute as ever, with his smile, his wiggles, drool, and his talking to the hand (because it understands?).
Tuesday, September 14, 2004
98. Attachment
I thought it was coincidence when he cried when I walked away at the pool the other day. I thought Diana was just trying to make me feel guilty when he cried when I walked away. But he cried tonight, and then when I got closer he stopped, and when I walked away he cried again. He doesn't like it when I go away. Yikes. I thought that wasn't supposed to happen for many more months.
Diana came home and conked out. William did too, and I held him. He slept on my chest, and then I rolled him off. He started rooting when he woke up 5 minutes later, and I got Diana to breast feed him. I skipped my sangha meeting to stay at home and help Diana. It's almost 9, and he's asleep. I think he's moving towards the 14 hours he's supposed to sleep, though it's only 13.5 today. Pretty amazing.
He holds his arms back sometimes and leans back from my body when I'm holding him. He seems to point. Like he can direct me. He holds his bottle, and puts it on the side, and chews on it, and groans a little. I think he might be teething. When he plays with his toy, he uses all 4 graspers, 2 hands, 2 feet.
Diana came home and conked out. William did too, and I held him. He slept on my chest, and then I rolled him off. He started rooting when he woke up 5 minutes later, and I got Diana to breast feed him. I skipped my sangha meeting to stay at home and help Diana. It's almost 9, and he's asleep. I think he's moving towards the 14 hours he's supposed to sleep, though it's only 13.5 today. Pretty amazing.
He holds his arms back sometimes and leans back from my body when I'm holding him. He seems to point. Like he can direct me. He holds his bottle, and puts it on the side, and chews on it, and groans a little. I think he might be teething. When he plays with his toy, he uses all 4 graspers, 2 hands, 2 feet.
97. 5 Months
Today William is officially 5 months old. Our doctor said he can eat hard foods, but Diana wants to hear him say it again, I think.
Last night Diana cried because William didn't want to breast feed, then he took a bottle and fell asleep with me. I think she's feeling less connected with him working.
William went to bed at 8, and woke up at 8, with various feedings that he mostly slept through, one at 9, and one at 5. I woke up and he hit his rattles, while I read the paper some. Then we watched some Noggin and sports news, while he also played with one of his toys. I walked him a little, then put him in the carriage and we went for a walk around the neighborhood. When we got back, I read him the story of Three Little Javelinos, which is the three little pigs cast in the south west. It's in Spanish and English, I'm going to read the English and Diana is going to read the Spanish. My mother gave it to us.
He had a big poop in his diaper when I changed him. Through some combination of luck, I've not seen a poopy diaper in a while. I fed him a little more and then showed him all his rattles and whatnot on the bed. He started crying and I walked him till he fell asleep.
I just heard him gasp a little on the monitor, no wake up. You can really hear well with the monitors. Not like I couldn't hear him without it, but it's another layer of safety. He's sleeping now. Sleeping so much I would think he would not sleep much today, but he's been down for a little while, 20 minutes already, past the short nap length.
I continue to try and give my son safety, comfort and stimulation so that he can develop well. I think I'm a bit reluctant to try very very hard to find work, because I'm going to miss him. When I pass my license exam, though, I'll have little to hold me back at going all out for a job. I had a dream where the party was over. I can empathize with Diana missing William at work. I joked that she's not with him when she sleeps, but that's not an empathetic response. I know how hard it is to leave him. He's such a sweet boy.
Last night Diana cried because William didn't want to breast feed, then he took a bottle and fell asleep with me. I think she's feeling less connected with him working.
William went to bed at 8, and woke up at 8, with various feedings that he mostly slept through, one at 9, and one at 5. I woke up and he hit his rattles, while I read the paper some. Then we watched some Noggin and sports news, while he also played with one of his toys. I walked him a little, then put him in the carriage and we went for a walk around the neighborhood. When we got back, I read him the story of Three Little Javelinos, which is the three little pigs cast in the south west. It's in Spanish and English, I'm going to read the English and Diana is going to read the Spanish. My mother gave it to us.
He had a big poop in his diaper when I changed him. Through some combination of luck, I've not seen a poopy diaper in a while. I fed him a little more and then showed him all his rattles and whatnot on the bed. He started crying and I walked him till he fell asleep.
I just heard him gasp a little on the monitor, no wake up. You can really hear well with the monitors. Not like I couldn't hear him without it, but it's another layer of safety. He's sleeping now. Sleeping so much I would think he would not sleep much today, but he's been down for a little while, 20 minutes already, past the short nap length.
I continue to try and give my son safety, comfort and stimulation so that he can develop well. I think I'm a bit reluctant to try very very hard to find work, because I'm going to miss him. When I pass my license exam, though, I'll have little to hold me back at going all out for a job. I had a dream where the party was over. I can empathize with Diana missing William at work. I joked that she's not with him when she sleeps, but that's not an empathetic response. I know how hard it is to leave him. He's such a sweet boy.
Monday, September 13, 2004
96. Crying jag
Sunday we had a photo shoot of the Salazar children and grandchildren. It's a surprise, but I don't think they read my blog. My mother doesn't read my blog either, sad to say. I have to fill her in on the phone on the weekend. I can tell by her questions. People liked my new web site of William: http://www.geocities.com/pinchmitra/photopagespiral7.html. My friend Scott Hamilton says he looks like me. Many people remark on the hair. Some ask how I know he's a Mets fan.
Remember, since I'm giving info, you can e-mail me comments if you don't want to write comments on the blog, at steve@fwbo-nyc.org. Last factoid: I've written over 27,000 words in my blogs. I was reading in the Times that there's a place where you can get a book published for $150 for 10 copies. Maybe I'll print up the blog for people. Maybe I'll just let it hang in the void of cyberspace.
Sunday, after the photo, V and D took the kids to McDonalds to play in their play zone, and then to Abuela and Abuelo's. Natasia, Robyn, and AJ are "all up in his grill" but I like their enthusiasm for him. So I got a lot of free time, which I squandered watching football, and used well by taking naps.
William woke up at 3 last night. Diana left at 6, early, getting a ride from her father, to set up her room for the kids today. William woke up at 7:30, and then later had a bit of a crying jag. I think he missed his morning mommy. The 3 wakeup probably filled him up, and he did not wake up. He slept for 20 minutes and woke up happy. I had a horrible dream that he woke me from at 3, that I probably would have forgotten if he had not woken up.
I took him over to Abuela's so I can study today. I hate to have to study, but I need to pass my exam.
Angelique asked if William is turning over. I read in my calendar, "turning over? first tooth?" on Tuesday for 5 months. I entered any milestone expectations into my calendar. Maybe he's a slow turner. Diana thinks he's going to go from back to front, and I think the opposite. I had him on his chest a little yesterday and he puts his butt way up in the air and moves himself around, but he doesn't use his arms. He's reaching for everything and has lively eyes, so I'm not worried. He has a sweet disposition so far.
Remember, since I'm giving info, you can e-mail me comments if you don't want to write comments on the blog, at steve@fwbo-nyc.org. Last factoid: I've written over 27,000 words in my blogs. I was reading in the Times that there's a place where you can get a book published for $150 for 10 copies. Maybe I'll print up the blog for people. Maybe I'll just let it hang in the void of cyberspace.
Sunday, after the photo, V and D took the kids to McDonalds to play in their play zone, and then to Abuela and Abuelo's. Natasia, Robyn, and AJ are "all up in his grill" but I like their enthusiasm for him. So I got a lot of free time, which I squandered watching football, and used well by taking naps.
William woke up at 3 last night. Diana left at 6, early, getting a ride from her father, to set up her room for the kids today. William woke up at 7:30, and then later had a bit of a crying jag. I think he missed his morning mommy. The 3 wakeup probably filled him up, and he did not wake up. He slept for 20 minutes and woke up happy. I had a horrible dream that he woke me from at 3, that I probably would have forgotten if he had not woken up.
I took him over to Abuela's so I can study today. I hate to have to study, but I need to pass my exam.
Angelique asked if William is turning over. I read in my calendar, "turning over? first tooth?" on Tuesday for 5 months. I entered any milestone expectations into my calendar. Maybe he's a slow turner. Diana thinks he's going to go from back to front, and I think the opposite. I had him on his chest a little yesterday and he puts his butt way up in the air and moves himself around, but he doesn't use his arms. He's reaching for everything and has lively eyes, so I'm not worried. He has a sweet disposition so far.
Saturday, September 11, 2004
95. Out
Diana was out last night, she did not even hear William cry, which is unusual for her. I was still falling asleep, when I heard a cry at midnight. I got up and fed him a bottle. He drank it with his eyes closed. I fed him breast milk. Good Diana pumps and puts it in the fridge. I rocked him in his sleep for a while. He so sweet. I feel so greatful he's here, these have been the best 5 months of my life (not technically 5 until Tuesday). He's so sweet. I just melt when he melts in my arms.
Diana did get up at 3 and 5. He went to bed early, 9:30. He's been going to bed earlier since Diana started working. The riggors of the working week are a strain on us all, he absorbs what in the atmosphere. But when I woke up at 7:30 this morning, he was so sweet. I smile at him, and he smiles at me. I lift him into my arms, and he sort of opens his eyes, and gives into what he can not control, then is locked in. I love the feel of him in my arms. I'm very lucky.
I sat with him while he played with one of his toys. He does a little bam bam. He moves his wrists back and fort, too, like he's discovered a new joint. He gets frustrated with the toy, he sighs. But when I take it away, he follows it with his eyes, and reaches for it back. His hair is wild, and I can't see his face when he's sitting with me, but I love the proximity to him.
Diana went to work to fix up her room. We dropped William off at Abuela's. William was happy to see her. He feels her face. He's into feeling faces, and taking off glasses. I'm going to meditate, and then it's off to meet with the mitras and meditate some more.
Diana did get up at 3 and 5. He went to bed early, 9:30. He's been going to bed earlier since Diana started working. The riggors of the working week are a strain on us all, he absorbs what in the atmosphere. But when I woke up at 7:30 this morning, he was so sweet. I smile at him, and he smiles at me. I lift him into my arms, and he sort of opens his eyes, and gives into what he can not control, then is locked in. I love the feel of him in my arms. I'm very lucky.
I sat with him while he played with one of his toys. He does a little bam bam. He moves his wrists back and fort, too, like he's discovered a new joint. He gets frustrated with the toy, he sighs. But when I take it away, he follows it with his eyes, and reaches for it back. His hair is wild, and I can't see his face when he's sitting with me, but I love the proximity to him.
Diana went to work to fix up her room. We dropped William off at Abuela's. William was happy to see her. He feels her face. He's into feeling faces, and taking off glasses. I'm going to meditate, and then it's off to meet with the mitras and meditate some more.
Friday, September 10, 2004
94. A cold one
Diana says William sometimes doesn't want breast milk sometimes, because he's "too hot." I wonder at that, but I have to trust Diana. She doesn't like it when I'm "sceptical". Today, Diana's mom said William was drinking cold milk, and he finished the bottle, and she poured a new one, from the uncooled formula bottle. He refused. He likes a cold one, even though today is nice and cool.
Out of desperation in the morning when he wakes up crying, I would feed him what ever was handy, after a particularly painful wait for breast milk to unthaw. Perhaps he has developed a taste for it.
Diana says William is very happy over at his abuela's. I should go over and watch what she does, see if I can pick up any new tricks.
I slept 90% of my study time, but I did get some studying done. Little tyke is a great excuse not to study though.
Out of desperation in the morning when he wakes up crying, I would feed him what ever was handy, after a particularly painful wait for breast milk to unthaw. Perhaps he has developed a taste for it.
Diana says William is very happy over at his abuela's. I should go over and watch what she does, see if I can pick up any new tricks.
I slept 90% of my study time, but I did get some studying done. Little tyke is a great excuse not to study though.
93. Sweet Boy
Diana went to bed very early, and did not wake me at 2, when William woke up. She woke up at 5, too, but stayed up because she wanted to go to work early so she could fix her room up for the students on Monday. I felt agrieved when I woke up early, but quickly got with the program. Who can stay grumpy from lack of sleep with such a sweet boy and a wonderful wife? So I took Diana to work, and brought William home. We watched some DVDs: Baby Einstein's Beethoven, and Baraka. I put him in a Mets outfit and took some pictures. He lay on his back and swatted at rattles, and I put him in the swing until he fussed. But I took him over to his abuela's very early, 10, so I could study for my test. Better do that. I must try to forget the surprise and confidence he shows when I pick him up and he goes flying through the air, to land in my arms.
Thursday, September 09, 2004
92. 8 oz.
William just drank 8 ounces of milk. I said, "that's a record, isn't it?" Diana said he's done that once before. He's pretty tired, we took him for a walk. I got a hair cut, and we went to the store for more batteries for the digital camera. When we were in the store, I was trying to take a piece of the packaging of the carriage off, and my hand slipped and I bopped William in the head. He cried, the tears were rolling down, and I felt horrible. I've never felt such awful guilt. I hurt my son. But it was an accident, and he recovered. When Bridget called and told me that Morris had a baby ( 8lbs, 9oz, 19.5 inches, still a girl--yippie!), she said the people in the store must have been judging me, for rapping my kid in the store.
We took the family shower. Diana gets in first, cleans herself, I join with William. We wash him, and then she gets out with him, and I finish up. The family shower. He puts his hand to try and grab the water. It freaked him out that it was not solid. Welcome to water. Very different. The wind freaks him out too, a little bit. He feels, but he can't see.
We took the family shower. Diana gets in first, cleans herself, I join with William. We wash him, and then she gets out with him, and I finish up. The family shower. He puts his hand to try and grab the water. It freaked him out that it was not solid. Welcome to water. Very different. The wind freaks him out too, a little bit. He feels, but he can't see.
91. Vibrations
William took a 2 hour nap. He would wake up a little thrash for a while, and then go back to sleep the last 20 minutes. What finally woke him up was Abuela calling to say, "where is he?!" I dashed him over after putting a little milk in the tank. She got to change his diaper.
I woke up at 4am with William. Diana tapped me awake. He downed some milk, and was asleep, but when I put him in the crib he thrashed himself awake again. So I changed his diaper, and rocked him for a while. Then he slept on my chest in bed, and at one point, I rolled him onto the bed (not unlike today's nap) and he slept between Diana and I. I gave a ride to Diana in the morning. She was going to kiss me goodbye, and William woke up. Might as well take her. That's 3 days in a row, that's a record. William sleeps in the car on the ride home, and wakes up when we get home.
I took him for a walk on futile errands. We watched Winged Migration again, our favorite film. He looks at it for a while, the longest maintened eye contact that I can tell. Of course he might look at the TV some when I'm holding him and watching and he's quiet. But then he got interested in his feet, when I went to make some lunch. For a while he got into a teething toy that Alexandra bought him, that vibrates when you press down on it. He mashes down on it and gets it to work, which is interesting. He needs assistance getting it in and holding it there. But he's figured out how to get the vibrations going.
Then I watched a little of Me, You, Them, which is a Brazilian film about a woman who has 3 men to make 1 perfect husband. I watched some of it yesterday, and I caught some of the scenes I missed. It's hard to do nothing with William, but it's hard to do something, so there's a compromise between silence, radio, and TV that goes on throughout the day. I used to really hate missing parts of a film, but William schools me.
I put him in the swinger, and he allowed for that for a little while. I'm reading The Interpersonal World of the Infant by Daniel N. Stern. For some reason yesterday after my meditation, I had an urge to read psychology again, for the first time in a long time. I guess NYU has worn off. I got a little burnt out. He let me read a few pages, and then cried. But then he put his head on my shoulder, and I walked him some until he took his 2 hour nap.
I woke up at 4am with William. Diana tapped me awake. He downed some milk, and was asleep, but when I put him in the crib he thrashed himself awake again. So I changed his diaper, and rocked him for a while. Then he slept on my chest in bed, and at one point, I rolled him onto the bed (not unlike today's nap) and he slept between Diana and I. I gave a ride to Diana in the morning. She was going to kiss me goodbye, and William woke up. Might as well take her. That's 3 days in a row, that's a record. William sleeps in the car on the ride home, and wakes up when we get home.
I took him for a walk on futile errands. We watched Winged Migration again, our favorite film. He looks at it for a while, the longest maintened eye contact that I can tell. Of course he might look at the TV some when I'm holding him and watching and he's quiet. But then he got interested in his feet, when I went to make some lunch. For a while he got into a teething toy that Alexandra bought him, that vibrates when you press down on it. He mashes down on it and gets it to work, which is interesting. He needs assistance getting it in and holding it there. But he's figured out how to get the vibrations going.
Then I watched a little of Me, You, Them, which is a Brazilian film about a woman who has 3 men to make 1 perfect husband. I watched some of it yesterday, and I caught some of the scenes I missed. It's hard to do nothing with William, but it's hard to do something, so there's a compromise between silence, radio, and TV that goes on throughout the day. I used to really hate missing parts of a film, but William schools me.
I put him in the swinger, and he allowed for that for a little while. I'm reading The Interpersonal World of the Infant by Daniel N. Stern. For some reason yesterday after my meditation, I had an urge to read psychology again, for the first time in a long time. I guess NYU has worn off. I got a little burnt out. He let me read a few pages, and then cried. But then he put his head on my shoulder, and I walked him some until he took his 2 hour nap.
Wednesday, September 08, 2004
90. Frances
The following people still have their strings from the circle of protection, that was part of the Buddhist naming ceremony: Me, Diana, Virginia, Aida and Vava. If Andrew's is still on I apologize, I didn't see it last time I saw him, but maybe he still has it.
William fell asleep for the first time on his own, in the crib. Diana said, "I'll believe it when he does it again." That brings up a point. There are little steps forward, but then there are things called "developmental moments" when things are the most important. He may have gone to sleep on his own, but it's not really what he does. He requires assistance.
He fell asleep with his binky, his chupong, in his mouth. I went in once, and his eyes were closed but he was still sucking. He slept 20 minutes for me, and 30 minutes for Abuela, and had a couple hour nap with his mother.
We had a good morning, and I read to him a bunch and enjoyed being with him, and then I thought I should bring him to his Abuela's so I could study for my exam next week. Taking him out, the storm formerly known as Frances, began to dump more water on an already soaked NYC. William got wet. At Abuela's, I said, "if he gets sick the next couple days, Diana is going to blame me."
When she got home, we went to Abuela's to get William Van Billiam. This time we brought the rain sheild. Diana found it. Our new carriage only weighs 9 lbs. instead of the 30 lbs of our other one. The other one was an SUV. This one is a sports car. I really like it. I like the gadgets, the stroller, the monitor.
I read some to William tonight, too. He tries to grab the pages, and beguiled by pages turning. He tries to crumple the pages. He likes the touching books much better. But I can tell he's atune some to the pictures and the language of my reading. He clearly looks at me when I'm singing. I need to get some songs to sing to him.
Gretchen says with William's long hair he looks like Johnny Damon, the Boston Red Sox center fielder. My little Johnny Damon.
William fell asleep for the first time on his own, in the crib. Diana said, "I'll believe it when he does it again." That brings up a point. There are little steps forward, but then there are things called "developmental moments" when things are the most important. He may have gone to sleep on his own, but it's not really what he does. He requires assistance.
He fell asleep with his binky, his chupong, in his mouth. I went in once, and his eyes were closed but he was still sucking. He slept 20 minutes for me, and 30 minutes for Abuela, and had a couple hour nap with his mother.
We had a good morning, and I read to him a bunch and enjoyed being with him, and then I thought I should bring him to his Abuela's so I could study for my exam next week. Taking him out, the storm formerly known as Frances, began to dump more water on an already soaked NYC. William got wet. At Abuela's, I said, "if he gets sick the next couple days, Diana is going to blame me."
When she got home, we went to Abuela's to get William Van Billiam. This time we brought the rain sheild. Diana found it. Our new carriage only weighs 9 lbs. instead of the 30 lbs of our other one. The other one was an SUV. This one is a sports car. I really like it. I like the gadgets, the stroller, the monitor.
I read some to William tonight, too. He tries to grab the pages, and beguiled by pages turning. He tries to crumple the pages. He likes the touching books much better. But I can tell he's atune some to the pictures and the language of my reading. He clearly looks at me when I'm singing. I need to get some songs to sing to him.
Gretchen says with William's long hair he looks like Johnny Damon, the Boston Red Sox center fielder. My little Johnny Damon.
Tuesday, September 07, 2004
89. Baby Monitor
Last weekend Diana bought a baby monitor. I just installed it in the crib and turned it on. Kind of cool. William took a 45 minute nap, after finally dropping off. I'm afraid he likes to sleep in his mother's arms more than mine. I try to emulate the Napinator, my father who's calm walk persistantly put him to sleep, but it takes great patience and is hard. There's nothing like a mother's knack. Diana hated to say goodbye to him, and go to work today. She said she would miss holding him. He, I am sure, misses being held. But lucky for me, that makes us closer.
88. 4:30 AM
It begins again. William fell asleep early enough so that Diana could hold him, though I later found out she thought I should have held him. She tapped me awake at 4:30, though I was awake. I got up and fed William, and rocked him to sleep. I slept on the couch for a while with him, and then put him back in his crib. Diana woke me at 7:15, because I told her I'd give her a ride the first day. I'm sure after a week I'll readjust. Right now I am writing in the hopes that it will wake me up.
In other notes, William is able to put his thumb and finger together. Before he put his thumb into his palm.
In other notes, William is able to put his thumb and finger together. Before he put his thumb into his palm.
Monday, September 06, 2004
87. Assisted roll
William rolled off a surface, though it's not an unassisted flat roll. He was looking at me, and was rolling off the foot stool thing he was on, which is very wide, and held him except when he rolls a lot.
William has had many people taking care of him this week. Virginia in the over night, Aida, Diana, Abuela, Diana and I, plus others. I think he benefits from more people. It's pretty hard with just Diana and I. I've scheduled dropping him off at his Abuela's tomorrow so I can look for jobs and study
I've talked to a lot of relatives and friends today, having William is a kind of bonding agent with the rest of the family, it's very sweet.
I took him for a walk around here in NJ, and he was pretty tired from that. His mother is feeding him now. Her last day before work starts. I've offered to give her a ride, and make her breakfast tomorrow to ease her into the work world as best I can. I'm glad she can work at least. I hope to pass my test and work soon.
William has had many people taking care of him this week. Virginia in the over night, Aida, Diana, Abuela, Diana and I, plus others. I think he benefits from more people. It's pretty hard with just Diana and I. I've scheduled dropping him off at his Abuela's tomorrow so I can look for jobs and study
I've talked to a lot of relatives and friends today, having William is a kind of bonding agent with the rest of the family, it's very sweet.
I took him for a walk around here in NJ, and he was pretty tired from that. His mother is feeding him now. Her last day before work starts. I've offered to give her a ride, and make her breakfast tomorrow to ease her into the work world as best I can. I'm glad she can work at least. I hope to pass my test and work soon.
Sunday, September 05, 2004
86. Visit from Cliff
My grandma Bell got a sound monitor before William did, but Diana finally got one. I asked her if that means we can move William to his room, she says, "not till he turns over."
I taped some of William today. We missed a few weeks of video taping him.
Cliff came over to see William. He said if he didn't come soon, he'd just grow up and he'd never see him grow up. It was a nice visit and Cliff asked good questions. How have I changed?
I would say mostly I've changed by being swamped with William's life. I hope to be less judgmental towards parents. I struggle with his strong emotions, just like I struggle with my strong emotions. I love little children now, and know how to hold him and comfort him. Each baby has a different feel.
Virginia has changed, in moving out here, by being more and more generous.
We went to the pool, and hung out on the porch. At the pool William cried when I walked away from him. When I said, "he's not supposed to do that till he's 8 or 9 or 10 months old," Aida said, "is that what you book tells you." That's what my professor told me, but I guess it's the central developmental moment around then. And we don't know if he really cried because he's attached to me, or his stomach felt hungry, or something else, he missed the movements I was making. But I think he is getting more and more attached to us, and more and more personality.
Virginia and Diana went to a movie. Aida helped me out, and took care of William especially when I drove Cliff home. Cliff asked me if I was scared I'd have a lapse of judgment with William, like the woman who left her baby outside a cafe in the stroller. I brushed him off, then later, drove out of the gas station and drove with my lights off for a few miles. Then I forgot to put the EZ pass back on the car, and will probably pay a big fine for not paying it at the George Washington Bridge. I've got zillions of lapses in judgment, I'm just going to try the best I can with William.
Abuelo and Abuela came over today. William is feasting in his Abuela's attention.
I taped some of William today. We missed a few weeks of video taping him.
Cliff came over to see William. He said if he didn't come soon, he'd just grow up and he'd never see him grow up. It was a nice visit and Cliff asked good questions. How have I changed?
I would say mostly I've changed by being swamped with William's life. I hope to be less judgmental towards parents. I struggle with his strong emotions, just like I struggle with my strong emotions. I love little children now, and know how to hold him and comfort him. Each baby has a different feel.
Virginia has changed, in moving out here, by being more and more generous.
We went to the pool, and hung out on the porch. At the pool William cried when I walked away from him. When I said, "he's not supposed to do that till he's 8 or 9 or 10 months old," Aida said, "is that what you book tells you." That's what my professor told me, but I guess it's the central developmental moment around then. And we don't know if he really cried because he's attached to me, or his stomach felt hungry, or something else, he missed the movements I was making. But I think he is getting more and more attached to us, and more and more personality.
Virginia and Diana went to a movie. Aida helped me out, and took care of William especially when I drove Cliff home. Cliff asked me if I was scared I'd have a lapse of judgment with William, like the woman who left her baby outside a cafe in the stroller. I brushed him off, then later, drove out of the gas station and drove with my lights off for a few miles. Then I forgot to put the EZ pass back on the car, and will probably pay a big fine for not paying it at the George Washington Bridge. I've got zillions of lapses in judgment, I'm just going to try the best I can with William.
Abuelo and Abuela came over today. William is feasting in his Abuela's attention.
Friday, September 03, 2004
85. 101 Temperature
William had a doctor's appointment yesterday. He got 2 shots, one that the doctor was out of last time we went, and one that causes a fever. We held off on the fever one because we were traveling by plane the next day. So he's got a temperature of 101 and he's a little fussy right now. The doctor said it should all be over by 6pm today. We'll see.
I got up at 7:15 this morning. I fed him, walked him, fed him and walked him. He fell asleep, and when I put him into bed, he woke up. I went downstairs again, and Diana woke up. I felt like a failure, unable to let her get some rest. I had some coffee, and intended on staying awake, but I fell asleep. Coffee doesn't even work any more on me. Diana takes similar long naps if given the chance.
Diana and Aida are a little hassled, because Venus, Natasia and AJ are cranky, coming in and tattling on each other. Aida said, "is anyone injured and needs to go to the hospital??" When the answer is no, she says, "then don't tattle on anyone, go back out and play." Someone comes in and asks questions occasionally or accidentally tattles. They were up late last night, they were excited to see each other. I was annoyed with Natasia the other day, it's hard to have an infant and take care of other children. The children probably resent the attention he sucks up. Diana wanted the shot before she went back to work next week, so she could take care of him. My nap kept me out of it.
Aida said William farted while he was getting the rectal thermometer. He's a pretty flatulent boy, takes after the old man. He also psyches you out about diaper changes. V has some old size #3s, and we've been using them, even though they leave a kind of elastic line on his butt.
His hair is standing down, and he looks a little like those mushroom heads in a Dr. Seuss book. He grabs at the phone if you're on the phone while holding him. He's getting very interested in exploring his world. He was crying in the car ride over here to NJ last night, and D started jingling the keys, like Grandma Parks suggested when we were down south. It worked.
I got up at 7:15 this morning. I fed him, walked him, fed him and walked him. He fell asleep, and when I put him into bed, he woke up. I went downstairs again, and Diana woke up. I felt like a failure, unable to let her get some rest. I had some coffee, and intended on staying awake, but I fell asleep. Coffee doesn't even work any more on me. Diana takes similar long naps if given the chance.
Diana and Aida are a little hassled, because Venus, Natasia and AJ are cranky, coming in and tattling on each other. Aida said, "is anyone injured and needs to go to the hospital??" When the answer is no, she says, "then don't tattle on anyone, go back out and play." Someone comes in and asks questions occasionally or accidentally tattles. They were up late last night, they were excited to see each other. I was annoyed with Natasia the other day, it's hard to have an infant and take care of other children. The children probably resent the attention he sucks up. Diana wanted the shot before she went back to work next week, so she could take care of him. My nap kept me out of it.
Aida said William farted while he was getting the rectal thermometer. He's a pretty flatulent boy, takes after the old man. He also psyches you out about diaper changes. V has some old size #3s, and we've been using them, even though they leave a kind of elastic line on his butt.
His hair is standing down, and he looks a little like those mushroom heads in a Dr. Seuss book. He grabs at the phone if you're on the phone while holding him. He's getting very interested in exploring his world. He was crying in the car ride over here to NJ last night, and D started jingling the keys, like Grandma Parks suggested when we were down south. It worked.
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