William began eating off our plates at restaurants. Then he demanded it at home, and we gave him something to put him off his big tantrum. At the airport he was agitating for something when I was eating my sandwich, and I gave him a bit of lettuce.
William fell asleep early, even though he slept a bit during the day, including much of the flight. He slept on me, and then in our bed. When I moved him to his crib he woke up and he slept on me some more. I put him into bed and he stuck the second time. But then he woke up later. He stayed up with Diana till 12:15. He woke up at 5, and I got up. Then Diana got up at 5:15, and fed him till 6.
Seems like tonight he took his cute pill. With Virginia and Abuela back, I feel much better. We all missed them terribly. I can't wait to see William smile at Abuela and Virginia. He had a big poop at Alex's. She's been so kind to take care of William.
Monday, November 29, 2004
Sunday, November 28, 2004
163. Return
William slept after take off. He wiggled and reached while we waited though. The flight was pushed back 30 minutes, but that was all. He tried to grab stuff from the woman sitting next to us. He made a few girlfriends, charming women everywhere with his looks and smiles.
We had a good trip. William went to his first museum. He got to spend lots of time with his "glamma" and grandpa. I had a fantasy of getting more sleep and rest, but this is my first long weekend holiday with William and working and I think I was unrealistic. I really enjoyed the restaurants and my mother's cooking. William got some good things from his grandparents, we have a walker now, where he can walk around with support on wheels.
I was frustrated with myself for not controlling my sarcasm and sardonic comments towards my mother. It seems that old pattern of passively trying to fend her off continues. She does have her quirks. I never noticed how much she rushes around. People like that are good, they get things done. She keeps a good house and provides invaluable support. Rich on the other hand was in the moment, in tune, but not like my mother. I think they make a good team.
We had a good trip. William went to his first museum. He got to spend lots of time with his "glamma" and grandpa. I had a fantasy of getting more sleep and rest, but this is my first long weekend holiday with William and working and I think I was unrealistic. I really enjoyed the restaurants and my mother's cooking. William got some good things from his grandparents, we have a walker now, where he can walk around with support on wheels.
I was frustrated with myself for not controlling my sarcasm and sardonic comments towards my mother. It seems that old pattern of passively trying to fend her off continues. She does have her quirks. I never noticed how much she rushes around. People like that are good, they get things done. She keeps a good house and provides invaluable support. Rich on the other hand was in the moment, in tune, but not like my mother. I think they make a good team.
162. Piggle
Last night at dinner, William expected the same freedom to explore the table as he’s been having at restaurants. He threw a tantrum when Diana said, “no,” and cried.
Rich ended up getting in the bath with him. He calmed down when the water was turned off. I got to comb William’s hair and we took some pictures with Kathy and Rich. We went upstairs and they watched a movie, Captain Jack, which sounded good. William fell asleep and I put him on my chest and read some of Piggle by Winnecott. Poor little girl had a really hard time adjusting to her sister’s arrival, and had irregular treatment by Winnecott. Piggle is the name for a little child in England.
He woke up, that was his evening phantom nap. Diana fed him in the bedroom and they went to sleep. When my eye lids began to fall down I joined them. Diana switched sides in the bed, and I somehow did not have enough blankets. It was not enough of a problem for me to get up and solve. I can’t really remember my dreams. I got up at 7 with William, which is 8 EST. We’re flying back today at noon. Hope this flight is not delayed.
I put William in his walker. He played a little, and then held his arms up to be taken out. I put him down with his toys. He played until he fell over onto the whipie case, and started crying. He cried for two breaths, and then was a bit weepy, so he resisted being put back down. I brought him to Diana. Now I’m going to meditate.
Rich ended up getting in the bath with him. He calmed down when the water was turned off. I got to comb William’s hair and we took some pictures with Kathy and Rich. We went upstairs and they watched a movie, Captain Jack, which sounded good. William fell asleep and I put him on my chest and read some of Piggle by Winnecott. Poor little girl had a really hard time adjusting to her sister’s arrival, and had irregular treatment by Winnecott. Piggle is the name for a little child in England.
He woke up, that was his evening phantom nap. Diana fed him in the bedroom and they went to sleep. When my eye lids began to fall down I joined them. Diana switched sides in the bed, and I somehow did not have enough blankets. It was not enough of a problem for me to get up and solve. I can’t really remember my dreams. I got up at 7 with William, which is 8 EST. We’re flying back today at noon. Hope this flight is not delayed.
I put William in his walker. He played a little, and then held his arms up to be taken out. I put him down with his toys. He played until he fell over onto the whipie case, and started crying. He cried for two breaths, and then was a bit weepy, so he resisted being put back down. I brought him to Diana. Now I’m going to meditate.
Saturday, November 27, 2004
161. Lemons and Carrots
William only woke up once last night. Then he woke up around 7. I got up, and meditated a little. We had 9 o’clock tickets to the Machu Pichu exhibition at the Field Museum. It was a cool exhibit, the Incans flattened their children’s foreheads when their skulls were pliable, and there was no negative effects to it. Makes me want to go there. Imagine you’re the Yale assistant professor who “discovered” it for the world. William looked at things, and wowed the ladies. He’s quite the flirt. We looked at the Native American exhibit, including a Pawnee dwelling, where we got to sit on real buffalo beds, and there were guides who talked about it.
I yearned for a life more connected to nature, before humans multiplied so much and were less in control of their environment, more worshiping it. We fed William at the café after splurging at the shop. Then we went to the Japanese and Tibetan exhibits. I found it slightly offensive, decontexualized, and I didn’t think they had to write “saint” for bodhisattva, they could just explain a bodhisattva. When we went on, I went back to look again. I felt a good connection to all the Buddhist art, the icons, etc. In the shop I bought a little tiny Buddha and posters of Manjushri and Green Tara. I lectured Rich and Diana on it some, and I could see their interest wane. William fell asleep, and woke up.
We went to an Indian restaurant for lunch, and I stuffed myself on the buffet. William threw a fit to get at Diana’s salad, and ended up with a carrot slice and a lemon wedge in his hand. We waited for the lemon wedge to really effect him, but he ended up alternating them. Carrot, lemon wedge. He’s not supposed to have citrus, but we hope it wasn’t a significant amount. It amazed everyone, lemon and carrot.
I took a long nap, very deep. William took a few short naps. They’re trying to give him a bath right now, but he’s scared of their bath.
I yearned for a life more connected to nature, before humans multiplied so much and were less in control of their environment, more worshiping it. We fed William at the café after splurging at the shop. Then we went to the Japanese and Tibetan exhibits. I found it slightly offensive, decontexualized, and I didn’t think they had to write “saint” for bodhisattva, they could just explain a bodhisattva. When we went on, I went back to look again. I felt a good connection to all the Buddhist art, the icons, etc. In the shop I bought a little tiny Buddha and posters of Manjushri and Green Tara. I lectured Rich and Diana on it some, and I could see their interest wane. William fell asleep, and woke up.
We went to an Indian restaurant for lunch, and I stuffed myself on the buffet. William threw a fit to get at Diana’s salad, and ended up with a carrot slice and a lemon wedge in his hand. We waited for the lemon wedge to really effect him, but he ended up alternating them. Carrot, lemon wedge. He’s not supposed to have citrus, but we hope it wasn’t a significant amount. It amazed everyone, lemon and carrot.
I took a long nap, very deep. William took a few short naps. They’re trying to give him a bath right now, but he’s scared of their bath.
Friday, November 26, 2004
160. Wishbone
We went to Target and got a walker for William and some other odds and ends. My mother left something in the oven with it still on, accidentally, so we rushed back home. Since it was raining, Diana and Rich canceled the trip to the zoo. We put together the walker. Unfortunately the lowest setting isn’t quite low enough, and he got tired of it pretty quickly. I got to read some and took a nap. William spent some quality time with everyone.
We went out to eat at a restaurant called Wishbone. I had the eggplant with brussel sprouts and mac and cheese. Diana had chicken. Rich had crab cakes. Mom salmon cakes. William had chicken and sweet potato and apples. He had a high chair, but he didn’t stay in it long. He didn’t really draw with the crayon. He liked to drop spoons. My mom marveled at his hand movements, told us we need to find a good Montessori school. And larger living quarters. She wants to teach everything, to talk, to crawl, to play the piano. We played pass the baby and Rich had chocolate pecan pie and Diana had a Sunday.
William fell asleep on ride home and fussed a little when we put him into his PJs. He slept for 10 minutes and when he woke up with Mom and Rich, he started crying. I kept reading, but he kept crying and nothing would stop him, so I came up and he stopped crying. That’s the first time that happened to me, where I soothed him. My mother felt a little bad that he would not stop crying for her.
We went out to eat at a restaurant called Wishbone. I had the eggplant with brussel sprouts and mac and cheese. Diana had chicken. Rich had crab cakes. Mom salmon cakes. William had chicken and sweet potato and apples. He had a high chair, but he didn’t stay in it long. He didn’t really draw with the crayon. He liked to drop spoons. My mom marveled at his hand movements, told us we need to find a good Montessori school. And larger living quarters. She wants to teach everything, to talk, to crawl, to play the piano. We played pass the baby and Rich had chocolate pecan pie and Diana had a Sunday.
William fell asleep on ride home and fussed a little when we put him into his PJs. He slept for 10 minutes and when he woke up with Mom and Rich, he started crying. I kept reading, but he kept crying and nothing would stop him, so I came up and he stopped crying. That’s the first time that happened to me, where I soothed him. My mother felt a little bad that he would not stop crying for her.
159. Chicago Finally
Our 8:30 flight was delayed till 2:30. So we tried to get onto the 9 o'clock flight. The 10 o'clock flight. The 11 o'clock flight. The 12 o'clock flight. William did not mind so much. We would have gone home, but we put his jacket in the luggage, and that was gone. I did not have my book, so I bought a Hillerman paperback. I took a few naps. Poor Diana did not nap. William seemed to be OK, and did not mind. He was interested in all the people and looking around.
He took the flight well, no problems. He charmed a few women, as usual. The steward would not take the diaper, "I can't" and I got to take it to the trash. I changed him on the changing table in the toilet for his big stinky poop. He slept at take off and landing. He looked out the window some and played.
We got our luggage quickly, bundled up for the cold Chicago weather, and waited to be picked up. Mom and Rich were very glad to see him. Mom got him some outfits. Rich seems to be pretty in tune with him, he notices when he needs a change of venue or is tired.
Thanksgiving dinner was good; my mother is a wonderful cook. My mother gave him a bath. She said, "You guys don't use baby powder?!" She put him into the crawl position, which he did not move from, but held for a while, which I have never seen him do before. My mother seems preposterous at time, but she actually does get some results sometimes. One of my mom's friends came over, and we all chatted, and we doted on William, my little narcissistic projection. Then we went up stairs to watch TV and everyone fell asleep, except me and Rich, and I really wanted to sleep. William ended up sleeping with us. My parents keep it kind of cold, which I remember, but Diana and William are not so used to.
He woke up 3 times in the night. The final time I got up with him, after having a dream with Cliff in Vava, where we were at a party. We let Diana sleep in a little bit. He sucked on a teething biscuit. I got some coffee. Fed him breakfast. My mother thought I spoiled him back always picking him up when he cries. Rich got up and held him for a while. Then Diana got up and fed him and he's fallen asleep.
He likes the light in the dining room. My mother got more biodegradable diapers, and had a basket of foods and whatnot for him. She wants to go to target to get a walker for him.
He took the flight well, no problems. He charmed a few women, as usual. The steward would not take the diaper, "I can't" and I got to take it to the trash. I changed him on the changing table in the toilet for his big stinky poop. He slept at take off and landing. He looked out the window some and played.
We got our luggage quickly, bundled up for the cold Chicago weather, and waited to be picked up. Mom and Rich were very glad to see him. Mom got him some outfits. Rich seems to be pretty in tune with him, he notices when he needs a change of venue or is tired.
Thanksgiving dinner was good; my mother is a wonderful cook. My mother gave him a bath. She said, "You guys don't use baby powder?!" She put him into the crawl position, which he did not move from, but held for a while, which I have never seen him do before. My mother seems preposterous at time, but she actually does get some results sometimes. One of my mom's friends came over, and we all chatted, and we doted on William, my little narcissistic projection. Then we went up stairs to watch TV and everyone fell asleep, except me and Rich, and I really wanted to sleep. William ended up sleeping with us. My parents keep it kind of cold, which I remember, but Diana and William are not so used to.
He woke up 3 times in the night. The final time I got up with him, after having a dream with Cliff in Vava, where we were at a party. We let Diana sleep in a little bit. He sucked on a teething biscuit. I got some coffee. Fed him breakfast. My mother thought I spoiled him back always picking him up when he cries. Rich got up and held him for a while. Then Diana got up and fed him and he's fallen asleep.
He likes the light in the dining room. My mother got more biodegradable diapers, and had a basket of foods and whatnot for him. She wants to go to target to get a walker for him.
Thursday, November 25, 2004
158. Early Morning
I just put 3 pajamas I love into the storage container for Virginia's, because the pajamas are for 6-9 months. He needs at least 12 month, or 12-18 months. Eighteen months fits loose, but he can wear them. Virginia called, the funeral is tomorrow for Diana's mother's father. We leave for Chicago, where it's snowing. Diana said, "William's first snow." William is getting more and more insistent on getting what he wants. He arches his back, and points to his mother. Last night I was very tired, and I was quickly overwhelmed by taking care of him. Diana insists on packing everything and I don't mind. I snapped a little, and Diana sent me to bed. I know karma is not some kind of divine pay back, like something bad happens always because of something else bad, but I had a horrible horrible nightmare, and the alarm went off just after I woke up.
Wednesday, November 24, 2004
157. Projected Narcissism
Tuesday I was hoping to go to my sangha meeting, but I lost energy even though I got a good night's sleep. I think my fatigue is more than one night's sleep. Consequently, Diana told KayLa to come over to help her out. So when I didn't go, we decided to go out to dinner. It was nice to have dinner, though Diana is in a bit of a daze.
Aida gave KayLa permission to miss school, so she could be the one to helping out Wednesday. Alex, who's taken care of William 7 days while Abuela is in Ecuador, finally had to begin working. So I drove KayLa home to get some clothes and whatnot. I talked to Aida a little. Then we went to Joseph's to give him the Play Station 2, for his good grades. I never had time to play it. I'm trying to get rid of things, that was the easiest to give up. Then we went to Alex's to pick up the stroller and other things from her time taking care of William.
The bad news was that Diana's grandfather died. Diana called me when we were at Joseph's. He was suffering, and it was good his daughter got to see him. Virginia missed seeing him, but she'll be there for the funeral if she changes plans and does not continue on her vacation. Victor told Diana and he was all broken up, couldn't talk.
When we got home William was asleep. But he woke up and stayed awake till 1am. KayLa took care of him for a while, while I finished the new Yalom book of essays. I did dishes, and William played quietly to himself for a long time. It's nice to have her around, and Diana got some much needed sleep. But I got exhausted, and set him down in bed. So eventually he woke her up, and she breast fed him till he fell asleep. But because he was awake a lot last night, and I expect her grief, Diana called off work. Which is good, I'm glad she did that. Now she and KayLa can take care of William. Not too much pressure on either, and I won't worry about all 3.
Tomorrow we go to Chicago for Thanksgiving. I'm very much looking forward to seeing Mom and Rich. I told Elizabeth that love it when people dote on William, and she said, "he's a narcissistic projection of yourself, of course you would." I say provocative things all day, I'm a bit of an imp, I blow off some steam between clients, so maybe she's paying me back. Of course everyone is narcissistic to some degree, it's often a good thing. I really hope I see the real William, and am not projecting all the time. Also being with Mom and Rich will feel cozy. I hope to get some sleep and have some time to read. Mom says she'll keep him at night, and that we can go out one night to see some blues music. William was good on the flight down to Atlanta, so I'm not worried about flying. Diana has had the pleasure of her mother being around a lot, and I'm a bit envious because mom can be comforting.
I'd better cut this short and go to work.
Aida gave KayLa permission to miss school, so she could be the one to helping out Wednesday. Alex, who's taken care of William 7 days while Abuela is in Ecuador, finally had to begin working. So I drove KayLa home to get some clothes and whatnot. I talked to Aida a little. Then we went to Joseph's to give him the Play Station 2, for his good grades. I never had time to play it. I'm trying to get rid of things, that was the easiest to give up. Then we went to Alex's to pick up the stroller and other things from her time taking care of William.
The bad news was that Diana's grandfather died. Diana called me when we were at Joseph's. He was suffering, and it was good his daughter got to see him. Virginia missed seeing him, but she'll be there for the funeral if she changes plans and does not continue on her vacation. Victor told Diana and he was all broken up, couldn't talk.
When we got home William was asleep. But he woke up and stayed awake till 1am. KayLa took care of him for a while, while I finished the new Yalom book of essays. I did dishes, and William played quietly to himself for a long time. It's nice to have her around, and Diana got some much needed sleep. But I got exhausted, and set him down in bed. So eventually he woke her up, and she breast fed him till he fell asleep. But because he was awake a lot last night, and I expect her grief, Diana called off work. Which is good, I'm glad she did that. Now she and KayLa can take care of William. Not too much pressure on either, and I won't worry about all 3.
Tomorrow we go to Chicago for Thanksgiving. I'm very much looking forward to seeing Mom and Rich. I told Elizabeth that love it when people dote on William, and she said, "he's a narcissistic projection of yourself, of course you would." I say provocative things all day, I'm a bit of an imp, I blow off some steam between clients, so maybe she's paying me back. Of course everyone is narcissistic to some degree, it's often a good thing. I really hope I see the real William, and am not projecting all the time. Also being with Mom and Rich will feel cozy. I hope to get some sleep and have some time to read. Mom says she'll keep him at night, and that we can go out one night to see some blues music. William was good on the flight down to Atlanta, so I'm not worried about flying. Diana has had the pleasure of her mother being around a lot, and I'm a bit envious because mom can be comforting.
I'd better cut this short and go to work.
Sunday, November 21, 2004
156. Jabber Boy
William was standing in his play pen last night, holding on to the side. He fell and was hanging on, and when Diana picked him up he cried and cried. But he finally calmed down and then finally went to bed. Diana was up with him, and also in the night. I said, "I didn't hear him." She said, "yea, you were snoring away." Diana has a class from 8:30-4 today. She has next week off, but then 3 more classes. Sunday is father's day. We drove from Virginia's in New Jersey early in the morning and I've come home after dropping her off. I fed him breakfast and played various ways. I put him in the snugglie and did some dishes. I had him in front which makes it hard, but then I put him in back. I think eventually I will figure out how to do things. He's not going to require being next to me all the time, and he'll be ambulatory soon. He's getting to be quite the talker, jabber boy. Last night and other times, he's really "talking" a lot these days. More complex vocalizations. I know I've said that before, but they keep getting more complex and complex.
Diana came home and I got to read a little bit. William fell asleep for a little while, and then he slept on me for a while, and I fell asleep. Diana came home when he was just waking up. Diana gave him a bath. We fired a few shots over the exhaustion and overwhelmed feelings we share. I used it to bring in the 3 big bags of laundry. We made up later, I admitted to my unrealistic projections and expectations.
Diana came home and I got to read a little bit. William fell asleep for a little while, and then he slept on me for a while, and I fell asleep. Diana came home when he was just waking up. Diana gave him a bath. We fired a few shots over the exhaustion and overwhelmed feelings we share. I used it to bring in the 3 big bags of laundry. We made up later, I admitted to my unrealistic projections and expectations.
Saturday, November 20, 2004
155. He May Be A Giant
I was just watching a documentary on They Might Be Giants, and William was entranced by the music. Or maybe he's just in a docile mood. Maybe he feels better because he's had 3 poops today.
This morning was very difficult. The guy I hit kept calling for his money, and I went to the bank with William. The maintanance guys came to put the braces on the ACs. In the stress, I snapped at Diana a few times, and that just compounds the problem. I missed my mitra meeting and I haven't meditated since Tuesday, so I lose my equilibrium fairly easily.
We came over to New Jersey to do laundry and for a change of venue. I hate it that Virginia is away, she helps us out so much. Every bit seems so huge. I've felt very alone since Virginia and Diana's mother went away. It's been good in a way to be just us, but this morning was really rough. I hate it that Diana's mom is away, but Alex has been generous to fill in.
I also watched Last Letters Home, about parents, spouses, etc. reading letters home from people who died in Iraq. Very sad. I love America, but I think only the second world war was a just war, and I think it could have been conducted more skillfully. There probably could be a way not to drop the bombs. I can't even say what this quagmire is about. Very upsetting documentary. I can't even imagine reading William's last letter, though maybe it helped some people with the grief to go public.
We seem to trade off getting up in the night. The first one to raise gets the prize. William was hard to get down and I sleep with him. A little later he cries, and Diana breast feeds him and then puts him in the crib. I try to fall asleep, not think about her, worry she's sleeping in the chair with him. I got with him when the sun came up, and he ate a huge breakfast. Quite astonishing. Then the crazy stressful morning began. Lost my equanimity. But it's been nice to be at Gigi's even if she isn't here. It's a spacious place, cleaner air. I drive Diana to her class early in the morning and then I have William all day. My golden day with William. I should sleep so I'm not such a wastoid for him.
This morning was very difficult. The guy I hit kept calling for his money, and I went to the bank with William. The maintanance guys came to put the braces on the ACs. In the stress, I snapped at Diana a few times, and that just compounds the problem. I missed my mitra meeting and I haven't meditated since Tuesday, so I lose my equilibrium fairly easily.
We came over to New Jersey to do laundry and for a change of venue. I hate it that Virginia is away, she helps us out so much. Every bit seems so huge. I've felt very alone since Virginia and Diana's mother went away. It's been good in a way to be just us, but this morning was really rough. I hate it that Diana's mom is away, but Alex has been generous to fill in.
I also watched Last Letters Home, about parents, spouses, etc. reading letters home from people who died in Iraq. Very sad. I love America, but I think only the second world war was a just war, and I think it could have been conducted more skillfully. There probably could be a way not to drop the bombs. I can't even say what this quagmire is about. Very upsetting documentary. I can't even imagine reading William's last letter, though maybe it helped some people with the grief to go public.
We seem to trade off getting up in the night. The first one to raise gets the prize. William was hard to get down and I sleep with him. A little later he cries, and Diana breast feeds him and then puts him in the crib. I try to fall asleep, not think about her, worry she's sleeping in the chair with him. I got with him when the sun came up, and he ate a huge breakfast. Quite astonishing. Then the crazy stressful morning began. Lost my equanimity. But it's been nice to be at Gigi's even if she isn't here. It's a spacious place, cleaner air. I drive Diana to her class early in the morning and then I have William all day. My golden day with William. I should sleep so I'm not such a wastoid for him.
Thursday, November 18, 2004
154. Riverdale
William got to see Will, Bart, Di and Wes tonight. Etta's bark made him cry. He was fascinated by Etta, though. Di fixed a wonderful meal, and let me eat while she held William, a real luxury.
Alex said William had a better day. He really enjoyed chicken soup she made. He may be a bit constipated. He was clingy again, and she went to the bathroom with him on her lap. Not as bad as the day before.
No mother's helper tonight. KayLa wants to be a pediatrician. I drove her home last night, which took me away from William more. I went to a child abuse course to get my LMSW license finally. I said I'd get it quickly at work. They showed some disturbing pictures. I'm at the point in my life where anything that takes me away from William is very hard. I resented it even though the teacher was really good.
The godfather Paul helped us Sunday to put the crib down a level. William is getting stronger and might climb out.
Alex said William had a better day. He really enjoyed chicken soup she made. He may be a bit constipated. He was clingy again, and she went to the bathroom with him on her lap. Not as bad as the day before.
No mother's helper tonight. KayLa wants to be a pediatrician. I drove her home last night, which took me away from William more. I went to a child abuse course to get my LMSW license finally. I said I'd get it quickly at work. They showed some disturbing pictures. I'm at the point in my life where anything that takes me away from William is very hard. I resented it even though the teacher was really good.
The godfather Paul helped us Sunday to put the crib down a level. William is getting stronger and might climb out.
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
153. KayLa
Diana is very overwhelmed, and she did a smart thing in hiring KayLa to assist us in the evenings during the week. Take a little pressure off us. I'm out some nights, tonight with the sangha meeting, tomorrow I have a child abuse class I need to take to get licensed. I need to go to the doctor, I've run out of my high blood pressure medication. Life is so complicated. So a little help isn't so bad. KayLa could use a little scratch too. She's sweet, William likes her. She's Aida's niece. She's in high school, took care of her brothers so she's experienced. Diana trusts her and I trust Diana's instincts. I don't trust anyone, even myself.
He supposedly slept a lot today. Monday he usually sleeps a lot, but there was a lot of hubbub at Diana's mother's as she packed for Ecuador. When I got there, Emma was there, with her new teeth. I can honestly say I don't care she's cutting teeth before William. I didn't like to hear she can sit up, William hasn't sat up from the flat ground, only from a pillow, he needs assistance. Maybe they forgot to mention that. Emma is a cuttie. So are AJ, Natasia and Venus. So with all around, William was excited. He slept a lot today with Alex. He's a bit weepy too, he dropped a toy and cried. He's still a little under the weather. Poor bubbub.
Read in the Stern book, that babies 5-7 months recognize faces a week later after seeing pictures for less than a minute. Also that babies can distinguish between their mother's voice and others in the womb. Mostly the book is pretty complicated, and I'm not reading it in concentrated efforts it requires, but I do like some of the ideas like "paradoxical sleep". That's sleep that doesn't fit into the pattern. Better go to bed, I'm knackered.
He supposedly slept a lot today. Monday he usually sleeps a lot, but there was a lot of hubbub at Diana's mother's as she packed for Ecuador. When I got there, Emma was there, with her new teeth. I can honestly say I don't care she's cutting teeth before William. I didn't like to hear she can sit up, William hasn't sat up from the flat ground, only from a pillow, he needs assistance. Maybe they forgot to mention that. Emma is a cuttie. So are AJ, Natasia and Venus. So with all around, William was excited. He slept a lot today with Alex. He's a bit weepy too, he dropped a toy and cried. He's still a little under the weather. Poor bubbub.
Read in the Stern book, that babies 5-7 months recognize faces a week later after seeing pictures for less than a minute. Also that babies can distinguish between their mother's voice and others in the womb. Mostly the book is pretty complicated, and I'm not reading it in concentrated efforts it requires, but I do like some of the ideas like "paradoxical sleep". That's sleep that doesn't fit into the pattern. Better go to bed, I'm knackered.
Monday, November 15, 2004
152. Guilt
I woke up from a haze of sleep, to realize I had turned the baby monitor off. William had been crying for a while. I don't know how long. I felt terrible. He had torn down the mobile too, really a sign of play, but in my guilt riddled mind, an act of desperate destruction at being betrayed. He was weepy and didn't want milk. He sat next to me, and every once in a while leaned into me, because he needed a hug. And I had to quickly bundle him up into his snow suit, and take him to his grandmother's. I confessed my transgression to her, and she took it to mean that Diana had turned off the monitor, which she had not, and she told Diana at work, and she was infected with a horrible wracking guilt.
I got to Diana's parent's place and it was packed. Natasia, Venus, AJ, Emma, Harry, Angelique, plus Veronica and of course Abuela and Abuelo. Bubbub did not seem to want to have anything to do with me, my guilt interpreted his interest in Natasia and Venus playing, as ignoring me.
Diana is struggling with me going back to work. She's behind at work, she feels bad as a wife and as a mother. She will find the balance, I feel confident in her.
I got to Diana's parent's place and it was packed. Natasia, Venus, AJ, Emma, Harry, Angelique, plus Veronica and of course Abuela and Abuelo. Bubbub did not seem to want to have anything to do with me, my guilt interpreted his interest in Natasia and Venus playing, as ignoring me.
Diana is struggling with me going back to work. She's behind at work, she feels bad as a wife and as a mother. She will find the balance, I feel confident in her.
Sunday, November 14, 2004
151. Seven Months Old!
William took a nap for a while Sunday afternoon. He woke up and I gave him some lunch. He likes the fruits but not so much the other stuff. William could sit and play at times, and at others he had to be held. Using the aspirator to get snot out is very traumatic for him, he cries a lot. I only do it once in a while.
Doing things with William in your arms can be difficult, but I fixed myself lunch. I gave William a bath. he likes to hold onto the shower sprayer. Abuela came over around 4. She took him over to Alba's. Supposedly William had a good time. He likes Brian and Nicole and especially Jacky. They brought him home, and we lowered the crib because he puts his arms on the side and pulls himself some, but not up or over. He can't sit up unless there's a pillow on his back, so he can't get into that position to pull, and he can't pull himself over, but he's going to be doing that soon. So we lowered it a little bit. Paul, who was over, helped us out a little bit.
William is 7 months old today. Quite the whipper snapper.
Doing things with William in your arms can be difficult, but I fixed myself lunch. I gave William a bath. he likes to hold onto the shower sprayer. Abuela came over around 4. She took him over to Alba's. Supposedly William had a good time. He likes Brian and Nicole and especially Jacky. They brought him home, and we lowered the crib because he puts his arms on the side and pulls himself some, but not up or over. He can't sit up unless there's a pillow on his back, so he can't get into that position to pull, and he can't pull himself over, but he's going to be doing that soon. So we lowered it a little bit. Paul, who was over, helped us out a little bit.
William is 7 months old today. Quite the whipper snapper.
150. Sunday
I love giving William a bath. I love feeling his body. He has such a cute face when he's in the water, it does something to him. Water in his eyes does not hurt him, if there is no soap. He looks really cute wrapped in the towel. I love rubbing lotion on him after the bath. After the bath he smells good. His hair can be a little wild after a bath.
Shantideva has a line about bathing the Buddhas in The Boddhisattva Way Of Life, and I thought of William. Nagabodhi asked me how has my dharma practice changed in having a baby. That's a really good question that could have lots of answers. I love being in the moment with him. We were talking today about Shantideva's text, and he writes about being a slave to others if that's what you need. That's what it means to be a Boddhisattva. Some balk at that kind of language, it has some pretty negative connotations. But I think I'm a slave to William. There are other answers to that question. He stretches me, in a way my spiritual life does too. He has helped me to understand more of the world. It's wonderful to just watch someone develop, and maybe that's not part of Buddhism, but you can see how someone is getting conditioned.
Sunday is Father's day. Diana has her class, and I'm often all alone with William. Virginia has helped out once. We're so lucky to have Clema, Virginia, Alex and Aida to help out. Clema takes care of William during the week, in the day time from 8:30-3:30, and then goes to work. She's essentially working 2 jobs, one for free. We owe her. Virginia provides resources like her house and gifts and even raw money. She shares her wealth in a surprising way. She shares her time when possible. Her weekend over night watching of William has given us the gift of uninterrupted sleep many weekends. Alex has watched William so I could go on interviews. Yesterday she brought a bunch of presents from her mom's. A new bath gizmo, a car sun screen, bibs, formula. She's bought many teething items for William which he loves. She's going to take care of William Tuesday through Friday unless my aunt Di asks to have a day. Aida is the least helpful to us, but she's also the one with a child, she's a single mother, and has a housing crisis at the moment. Others help out too, but these are the most I see helping us out.
Today all are out, and I'm feeling a little sick, but I can ignore it enough to take care of William, who is a little congested too. He hates the aspirator which sucks the snot out of his nose. But he wakes up sometimes when he can't breath, making tiredness another problem on top of the stuffy head.
Last night in exhaustion around 1, I laid down and tried to get William to fall asleep. I'd had a few false starts. Luckily Diana did not mind breast feeding him a little, which did the trick. I woke up at 6, right when the sun started to light the world a little bit. He drank a little and fell asleep very quickly. I'm not sure if Diana tended to him before she went off to class, but he woke up again around 9:15. Quite a late sleep.
I fed him breakfast and played. I put him in the swing while I did some dishes, until he got tired of it. I put him in the snugglie the other day to do dishes. He's waving around, trying to grab things. Diana said in one of her anthropology classes they said that the peasants who wrap their children and carry them all the time, make them passive. William is not passive, he tries to grab.
I continue to try to read to him, but all he wants to do is play with the pages, crush them with his hands, put the corners of the books into his mouth. Natasia read to him last night, keeping the book out of reach. She's so sweet to William. She makes him laugh. She went to change his diaper when Alex jokingly asked her to.
William is probably going to wake up from his morning nap soon, so I better post this.
Shantideva has a line about bathing the Buddhas in The Boddhisattva Way Of Life, and I thought of William. Nagabodhi asked me how has my dharma practice changed in having a baby. That's a really good question that could have lots of answers. I love being in the moment with him. We were talking today about Shantideva's text, and he writes about being a slave to others if that's what you need. That's what it means to be a Boddhisattva. Some balk at that kind of language, it has some pretty negative connotations. But I think I'm a slave to William. There are other answers to that question. He stretches me, in a way my spiritual life does too. He has helped me to understand more of the world. It's wonderful to just watch someone develop, and maybe that's not part of Buddhism, but you can see how someone is getting conditioned.
Sunday is Father's day. Diana has her class, and I'm often all alone with William. Virginia has helped out once. We're so lucky to have Clema, Virginia, Alex and Aida to help out. Clema takes care of William during the week, in the day time from 8:30-3:30, and then goes to work. She's essentially working 2 jobs, one for free. We owe her. Virginia provides resources like her house and gifts and even raw money. She shares her wealth in a surprising way. She shares her time when possible. Her weekend over night watching of William has given us the gift of uninterrupted sleep many weekends. Alex has watched William so I could go on interviews. Yesterday she brought a bunch of presents from her mom's. A new bath gizmo, a car sun screen, bibs, formula. She's bought many teething items for William which he loves. She's going to take care of William Tuesday through Friday unless my aunt Di asks to have a day. Aida is the least helpful to us, but she's also the one with a child, she's a single mother, and has a housing crisis at the moment. Others help out too, but these are the most I see helping us out.
Today all are out, and I'm feeling a little sick, but I can ignore it enough to take care of William, who is a little congested too. He hates the aspirator which sucks the snot out of his nose. But he wakes up sometimes when he can't breath, making tiredness another problem on top of the stuffy head.
Last night in exhaustion around 1, I laid down and tried to get William to fall asleep. I'd had a few false starts. Luckily Diana did not mind breast feeding him a little, which did the trick. I woke up at 6, right when the sun started to light the world a little bit. He drank a little and fell asleep very quickly. I'm not sure if Diana tended to him before she went off to class, but he woke up again around 9:15. Quite a late sleep.
I fed him breakfast and played. I put him in the swing while I did some dishes, until he got tired of it. I put him in the snugglie the other day to do dishes. He's waving around, trying to grab things. Diana said in one of her anthropology classes they said that the peasants who wrap their children and carry them all the time, make them passive. William is not passive, he tries to grab.
I continue to try to read to him, but all he wants to do is play with the pages, crush them with his hands, put the corners of the books into his mouth. Natasia read to him last night, keeping the book out of reach. She's so sweet to William. She makes him laugh. She went to change his diaper when Alex jokingly asked her to.
William is probably going to wake up from his morning nap soon, so I better post this.
Saturday, November 13, 2004
149. Sick
William got a cold. He came down with it Wednesday afternoon, and was really congested. Thursday, he's gone back and forth, there were times when he felt better, but he also needed a lot of holding and cried easily at times. I sneezed once, and he cried. Friday he seemed to rally, but the cold seemed to go down into his chest. We've got a call into our pediatrician, but he seems OK.
William is able to voice his displeasure and try to get when he wants. He arches his back to not get into the car seat. He pushes your hand away, he moves his head, he really just tries to get what he wants.
Friday night I watched William while Diana got out and went to see The Incredibles. She liked it. Virginia was here, she said goodbye to William. She went on vacation to see Costa Rica and Ecuador.
I think I caught William's cold. My throat really hurts. I'm feeling pretty low. I'm tired, I got into an accident, there's trouble in the family, and Diana's grandfather is dying and her mother is going down to Ecuador to say goodbye.
William is able to voice his displeasure and try to get when he wants. He arches his back to not get into the car seat. He pushes your hand away, he moves his head, he really just tries to get what he wants.
Friday night I watched William while Diana got out and went to see The Incredibles. She liked it. Virginia was here, she said goodbye to William. She went on vacation to see Costa Rica and Ecuador.
I think I caught William's cold. My throat really hurts. I'm feeling pretty low. I'm tired, I got into an accident, there's trouble in the family, and Diana's grandfather is dying and her mother is going down to Ecuador to say goodbye.
Tuesday, November 09, 2004
148. Scribbles
William is talking in more diverse ways, making more different sounds. He's moving in much more complicated ways. I noticed his hands seem much bigger when I got back, and today I thought his head was bigger. Diana's mom said he took a 2 hour nap and then a 1 hour nap today, more sleep than usual. He cries when I leave the room, after I come home. Diana's mom thinks he's teething. She gave him some infant yogurt to eat, he's getting used to a lot of different new foods.
William woke up at 4, and then at 8. Diana's mom said he was very playful today. When I got home he was feeding, sort of. Really he was putting his food all over his face. I gave him a bath. He's fussy tonight.
William did his first scribbling. He took Diana's pencil and worked it over a sheet of paper. Crude, primitive, but his first work of genius.
I'm sure my lack of time with William is being reflected in these notes. I can hardly write them. Anyway, I celebrate him.
William woke up at 4, and then at 8. Diana's mom said he was very playful today. When I got home he was feeding, sort of. Really he was putting his food all over his face. I gave him a bath. He's fussy tonight.
William did his first scribbling. He took Diana's pencil and worked it over a sheet of paper. Crude, primitive, but his first work of genius.
I'm sure my lack of time with William is being reflected in these notes. I can hardly write them. Anyway, I celebrate him.
Monday, November 08, 2004
147. Retreat and Return
Driving away from William Friday night I had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, sort of like the one I had when I went to work the first day. I'd signed up for a retreat a while ago, and somehow it was this weekend. And I'd promised to drive people up. Ultimately everyone but Alyssa canceled, but still she wanted to go. I was planning on driving Nagabodhi back. It's a great honor to do something for such a wonderful dharma teacher. I've bowed out of a lot of things in my day, and I want to become a man of my word. But the pain was acute. But soon enough I was distracted, and the retreat went really well. I meditated a lot, learned a lot through lectures and small groups. I learned a lot more about the FWBO puja, which I'd already come to love on a Manapa retreat almost 2 years ago. And I learned more about Shantideva's text that it's based on. I got to be outdoors, eat good food, meet some really nice people, and see some old friends. And I got to get some distance from my first 6 plus months with William. And a good night's sleep. Alyssa drove, back, she's a good driver. I got to know Nagabodhi better.
When I got home Sunday evening, William was asleep. I got to hold him for a while, but I was glad when he woke up when I put him down in the crib. That's almost a certain way to wake him up, put him down in the crib. He gave me a special smile that I will never forget. And a nice one in the morning too. And a nice one when I came home today. He's such a sweety, I'm devoted to him. I vow to make the most of every opportunity to be with him. Tonight we're very exhausted and everyone is going to bed at 9.
When I got home Sunday evening, William was asleep. I got to hold him for a while, but I was glad when he woke up when I put him down in the crib. That's almost a certain way to wake him up, put him down in the crib. He gave me a special smile that I will never forget. And a nice one in the morning too. And a nice one when I came home today. He's such a sweety, I'm devoted to him. I vow to make the most of every opportunity to be with him. Tonight we're very exhausted and everyone is going to bed at 9.
Thursday, November 04, 2004
146. Retreat
William can turn a light off and on.
I went to bed at 9:30, and William woke up again at 10. I put him down and he started crying, so I laid with him on my chest. He slept the night in our bed because he's a little feverish with his shots. He awoke again at 1. Diana decided to take the day off because she's so tired, and she wants to be with him.
William is soon going to outgrow his knit outfits, which are kind of nice and dress up. So she's been putting them on him today. He spit out some of the tylenol Diana gave him, that's red, and that stained one.
I hate to go away. I feel I'm abandoning William and Diana. And after a week of working. I'm going on a retreat for the weekend.
I went to bed at 9:30, and William woke up again at 10. I put him down and he started crying, so I laid with him on my chest. He slept the night in our bed because he's a little feverish with his shots. He awoke again at 1. Diana decided to take the day off because she's so tired, and she wants to be with him.
William is soon going to outgrow his knit outfits, which are kind of nice and dress up. So she's been putting them on him today. He spit out some of the tylenol Diana gave him, that's red, and that stained one.
I hate to go away. I feel I'm abandoning William and Diana. And after a week of working. I'm going on a retreat for the weekend.
Wednesday, November 03, 2004
145. Doctor's Visit
Thursday night, William slept on Diana for a while, and then I took a shift. I love the way he smells after a bath. He is moist, from sweat and residual moisture from the bath. I read in bed and started getting very drowsy, so I put in him the crib. He cried once. Diana had to do report cards. I'm trying to finish A Primer Of Supportive Therapy. I can't stay up and watch the election coverage.
I checked briefly the Times web site when I got up at 3:30 to feed William. I put him down and he woke up again, so I laid in bed, and he woke up. Diana got up and breast fed him. She fed him again when she woke up later. He slept till 8 Wednesday morning.
Diana's mother made me lunch, expecting me to come again today. Opse. I was bogged down with work.
I met them at the doctor's. William is 22 lbs. We thought he would weigh more. He's 28 inches long. His head, height are 90%ile, weight is 95%ile. He gave us a list of food we can give him. Bubbub didn't like the doctor looking in his ear, and he was already crying when he got the 4 shots. He got a flu shot.
Diana is feeding him dinner now. I've skipped sangha night, and Pali Cannon study to spend more time with William.
I checked briefly the Times web site when I got up at 3:30 to feed William. I put him down and he woke up again, so I laid in bed, and he woke up. Diana got up and breast fed him. She fed him again when she woke up later. He slept till 8 Wednesday morning.
Diana's mother made me lunch, expecting me to come again today. Opse. I was bogged down with work.
I met them at the doctor's. William is 22 lbs. We thought he would weigh more. He's 28 inches long. His head, height are 90%ile, weight is 95%ile. He gave us a list of food we can give him. Bubbub didn't like the doctor looking in his ear, and he was already crying when he got the 4 shots. He got a flu shot.
Diana is feeding him dinner now. I've skipped sangha night, and Pali Cannon study to spend more time with William.
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
144. Three Times
William is feeding. He's had a bath. I poured the water and he tried to grab it. He's still beguiled by water. He's had his dinner. He was breathing very hard through his nose, maybe he was playing with a booger. He should fall asleep. I'm so tired. I got up at 2:30 last night to feed him.
Two days of work and I'm very tired. My first day was hard because I really missed William. I felt it in the pit of my stomach when I drove to work. I could not look at his picture without having a pang of pain. Today I went over for lunch, so I got 35 minutes with him, and that felt better. It's different not to be around him so much, I miss the schedule. Last night I spent a lot of time with him, but tonight I find that I'm exhausted. That's what I don't like. It's easier in the evening tough, because we're both tired and want to be with him.
William watched Grandma Salazar, Diana and me vote today.
Two days of work and I'm very tired. My first day was hard because I really missed William. I felt it in the pit of my stomach when I drove to work. I could not look at his picture without having a pang of pain. Today I went over for lunch, so I got 35 minutes with him, and that felt better. It's different not to be around him so much, I miss the schedule. Last night I spent a lot of time with him, but tonight I find that I'm exhausted. That's what I don't like. It's easier in the evening tough, because we're both tired and want to be with him.
William watched Grandma Salazar, Diana and me vote today.
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