155. He May Be A Giant

I was just watching a documentary on They Might Be Giants, and William was entranced by the music. Or maybe he's just in a docile mood. Maybe he feels better because he's had 3 poops today.

This morning was very difficult. The guy I hit kept calling for his money, and I went to the bank with William. The maintanance guys came to put the braces on the ACs. In the stress, I snapped at Diana a few times, and that just compounds the problem. I missed my mitra meeting and I haven't meditated since Tuesday, so I lose my equilibrium fairly easily.

We came over to New Jersey to do laundry and for a change of venue. I hate it that Virginia is away, she helps us out so much. Every bit seems so huge. I've felt very alone since Virginia and Diana's mother went away. It's been good in a way to be just us, but this morning was really rough. I hate it that Diana's mom is away, but Alex has been generous to fill in.

I also watched Last Letters Home, about parents, spouses, etc. reading letters home from people who died in Iraq. Very sad. I love America, but I think only the second world war was a just war, and I think it could have been conducted more skillfully. There probably could be a way not to drop the bombs. I can't even say what this quagmire is about. Very upsetting documentary. I can't even imagine reading William's last letter, though maybe it helped some people with the grief to go public.

We seem to trade off getting up in the night. The first one to raise gets the prize. William was hard to get down and I sleep with him. A little later he cries, and Diana breast feeds him and then puts him in the crib. I try to fall asleep, not think about her, worry she's sleeping in the chair with him. I got with him when the sun came up, and he ate a huge breakfast. Quite astonishing. Then the crazy stressful morning began. Lost my equanimity. But it's been nice to be at Gigi's even if she isn't here. It's a spacious place, cleaner air. I drive Diana to her class early in the morning and then I have William all day. My golden day with William. I should sleep so I'm not such a wastoid for him.