53. Baby's mother bias

William is so cute. He's so adorable. Quite a wonderful boy. Eric thinks he looks like a rock star in his new web sites, in the profile one.

Last night we put him to bed, and he slept some, but Diana had to get up twice before she would normally, before I got up. In the Times there was an article yesterday how mother's love acts like a narcotic. Andrew joked about how William showed all the signs of breast milk addiction: The line on the lips, the meaty arms.

Last night I had him sleeping on my chest, and Diana came into the room. He started wailing for no apparent reason. I was holding him this morning, and quickly it became apparent he wanted to breast feed. Sunday she gave him to me, and immediately he started crying. She came and took him, and he made a big poop and fell asleep. This is why I liked taking care of him. I was his only option and I didn't freak out that someone better might take care of him. Women really do have an advantage if they breast feed. And they have a kind of sweetness and a relateability that men don't find so easily. Still, I love my sweet boy, I cherish every moment with him.

52. My TV addicted chimp

Diana got up at 3 and 6:15 to feed William. I got up at 8:30, and fed him and let her sleep. He filled 3 diapers with poop and finally fell asleep. He woke up and wiggled on my legs for a while, and talked with us.

Diana has him watching Blues Clues right now. He's wiggling a lot and grunting like he's going to the bathroom. He sticks his fists in his mouth. He's definitely in the oral stage. He doesn't like the pacifier so much. In the Times today it says that children don't not suck because of the pacifier, that's a myth. Angie won't let Emma have one. I say what ever works, I'm a pragmatist.

He seems to live TV, but he also likes the ceiling fan. My mother said, "so you've given up." She said we didn't have TV till I was 3. That's because we were poor. He's going to experience the internet, computers, cell phones, cable, DVD, MP3 and a zillion other things sooner than I did.

There's also an article in the Times comparing babies to chimps at 1, Neanderthal at 2, and an early villager at 3. Diana does not like animal kingdom comparisons. I'm not sure why. I think she thinks I'm saying he really is a chimp, or maybe she just does not brook any negative comparisons with her son.

Eric in Germany (by way of Madison and France) says he likes the photos. I made a new website which can be viewed at: http://www.geocities.com/pinchmitra/photopagespiral5.html. I'm probably going to make a new one today so replace the 5 with a 6 soon, and get the new page. Also the other numbers have web sites, and the first one is without a number.

51. Last Day

Today is Diana's last day of work for the summer. William woke up at 6:45, just as she was leaving. I'd gotten about 5 hours sleep. I don't function well on 5 hours sleep. But I fed him and rocked him to sleep. He woke up pretty quickly from his nap, and I fed and rocked him back to sleep. I slept with him on me for a while, and then I roll him off, and I guess he sleep deeper when he's been physically sleeping on someone, and when someone is close to him. So I got to sleep for about an hour, till 10. Then Diana called. Nothing is going on at her school, she wanted me to bring William. It's my last day with him like this, so I was reluctant. But my sleep deprivation put me in a bad mood. But I thought, she needs him for today. I remember how weirdly difficult the last day is, how draining it all is. I thought this might help her, so I drove him over to her. Now I'm missing him. He's a sweet little boy.

He digs his heels into the ground, like he's going to turn over soon. He's very strong and demanding, which is good, I guess he expects his needs to be met, and they usually are in a timely manner. He pooped twice, and this is a new factor. If he's fussy, and he's eaten and his diaper has been changed, he can be gassy or wanting to push one out. The grunting is a tell tale sign. Sleep crankiness is very close, sometimes I can't tell.

We went home really late last night. Diana did not finish the wash until late. We left just as Virginia was returning with Robyn and Natasia. She's got those two adorable girls today, after a day of Brian and Joseph. She's the super aunt. She apologized to Diana for not helping her out more, but there's no need. She does so much, and obviously she was focusing on Brian and Joseph. With all her god children, and her nephews and nieces, she's quite spread around, but she has a lot of love to offer, so nobody feels cheated.

50. Meritorious Salazars

Diana went to bed around 11:30, and he woke up around 3:30. Then he woke up a little before 7. I came downstairs around 9:30. He fell asleep, and has been sleeping for about 45 minutes. He just woke up. Diana is eating breakfast.

Diana had him watching Wiggles on the Disney channel. She says he likes it. I was carrying him for a little while, and he was arching his neck to see his mother. I wanted to sit out on the back porch with him, but Diana said it was too cold.

I want to make it clear, that I appreciate Virginia taking Diana shopping, and that I appreciate it that both of them, especially Diana because she's my wife, are good shoppers. They are frugal and thrift. They both have much merit.

William is as cute as ever. He is wiggling a lot today, and vocalizing. Diana said she caught some on tape. Every time I take the camcorder to him, he stops talking. He says a sort of "ooohhh". When he's really crying, he has a kind of "maaammmaaa" in it, and we immediately think he's saying "Mama". He's certainly not saying "dada" yet.

49. Sad fiction

I can't watch movies any more. There's always some kid dying in it. I watched In The Bedroom the other day. Tonight I watched In America. I think of books like The Sweet Hereafter. It's just too much, I get so sad. In my grief, loss and bereavement class there's a chapter in my books about parents who lose children. Apparently it is very difficult.

Diana says she's afraid something bad is going to happen to William. I could not say to her, "something will, something bad happens to everyone, without a doubt." Everyone dies, everyone we know, and us. We have very short lives, everything is temporary. But somehow I hope hope hope for my son, hope he can be spared trauma until he's strong enough to handle it. I hope his woe is not inflicted by me. I hope he's spared hardships until later in life, though I know it's silly. Amongst the dissatisfactory elements and pain in life, there is also pleasure. I hope he can find some balance. I hope I hope I hope.

Last night Diana and William took a mongo nap. They looked dazed and confused when they revived. Diana apologized for leaving me alone with Natasia. It was my pleasure. I love that little girl. She's 6, going on 7 and adorable. I drove her home alone, and we talked a little about school, she got a good report card for her final semester in first grade. I got rambling about my memories, and she fell asleep. Sweet little girl.

We got up today and Diana and William came to my dharma study group. He pooped himself out of an outfit, and we put on a onsey that said, "my dad, my pal" and I wanted to get a picture of that outfit, but he pooped himself out of that one. He's a feculent fellow. We chatted a little about the dharma with my dharma buddies, and then went to NJ.

They went out shopping. Virginia kept saying, "like we always do!" She's been reading my blog. You never know what is going to strike someone. Virginia hung out with us for a little while, and then she went out. She's partying with her hispanic accountant friends. They are wild party animals. I guess she can't take care of William tonight and give us a rest, but we can enjoy the night in her quiet New Jersey suburban condo. Tomorrow Joseph and Brian are coming over. I need some comedy after that tragedy movie tonight. I wish all are happy, all are well.

48. Shown off at work.

I took a long nap last night. William slept a lot too. Diana was still hungry, and she still wanted me to fix dinner. No problem. I held him so she could eat, but he kept turning for the breast, and then she fed him. He went down around 11. He got up at 5, and I woke up. I guess I was well rested from yesterday. Diana was in the bathroom, and I changed his diaper. Since I was awake, I drove Diana to work and took William to show off. Diana loved showing off her son. Everyone who gushed over William she loved. Such long hair. So big. So cute. He looks just like you. I love that baby smell. She paraded him around the school. She was in heaven, the proud mother. He fell asleep. He only stayed at the school for first period. He's been fussy since he came home, and he was crying for a while, loud and inconsolable. But now he's asleep. A horn woke him up, but he's fallen back asleep.

47. Diaper Change

My son, the fruit of my loins, did not show recognition when I picked him up at my mother in laws. I walked him back, and he got a little vitamin D on his legs. I like walking him, I should do it more often. He came home and worked out on the gym for a little while (swatted at the rattles). Diana called. She said she's going to have to learn to type to do a blog so she can get her side across. I was not aware this was a side choosing thing. Of course, this is my perspective, but I'm not trying to convince you, the reader, to side with me against her. I think Diana is wonderful, she's doing a great job. She's working and taking care of William in the evening. She pumps at work, and continues to breast feed even though it's not easy. I hope it's clear I am cheering her here.

He fell asleep, after some loud crying. He's getting louder. I held him for 45 minute, but had to finally put him down. He kept sleeping. Noises wake him up, a loud car on the street. And if he's not held when he's woken up, then he wakes up for good. Just watching the Mets game with my son this afternoon.

William has had three 90 minute naps. He sucked down a bottle of breast milk, and fell back asleep. He slept on me for 15 minutes until Diana came home. She washed her hands, and wanted to hold him.

She told the story of her mother, taking care of William this morning. She likes to kiss William on the stomach when she's changing the diaper. Today she got a urine on her. Yikes.

46. More Like Diana

I went to pick Diana up from work, because her usual ride home fell through. William fussed, but only when I was stopped. I almost stopped. But when Diana got in, he was asleep. She's very tired. We were going to go for a walk in Alley Pond, but she's just so tired. But she woke up at home. Seeing her son woke her up and she fed him and doted on him. We went for a walk outside. When we got home, he fell asleep. Diana finally relented, and went to sleep. She's snoring away with him sleeping on her chest. I'd love him to be able to sleep through the night. I can't wait till that day comes. But now I know he's going to wake up hungry. Last time we put him to bed before 11, he got up twice in the night, before 5, when Diana wakes up and feeds him, and puts him back to sleep, where he sleeps till 7-8.

William slept till 5am, so I was wrong, he did not wake up in the night. He slept so much in the evening that I thought he would wake up.

Diana's mother took William for me this morning. I'm going to pick him up at 1. I notice that I am still listening for a cry, my ears are tuned in for a cry, even though he is not here. I slept good and hard, but I had crazy dreams. I dreamt my most impulsive student was being put to death. My interpretation of that is that the dharma teaches control over the impulses, not acting on them, just recognizing them, so that we are not a slave to them. Otherwise we don't really own ourselves, we just lurch from impulse to impulse. I'm guessing I put to death my impulses, in the persona of my most impulsive student. Having a child, it certainly helps to be able to repress your impulses in favor of another. William needs his milk before I get my coffee. His need to be picked up after a nap, is more important than my meditation. I gladly surrender my needs to his, though I wouldn't say that makes them disappear. I just don't act on them.

I miss William when he is not around, but it's not the ache, the pain, I think it is for Diana. I look forward to working. I know that when I see him very soon, I will be that more attentive because I've had some rest. I think all parents deserve some rest, and it's important for others to be part of the support system. I have certain single friends who opt out of the childbearing cycle, and they think that that decision means they are freed from the incumbrance. I know I used to think that way. Why help out Aida, I didn't ask her to reproduce. But I love Natasia, and really a single mother could use all the help she could get. I think William is kicking both our butts, we're both giving it our all, in the past 9 weeks and one day of his reign outside the womb. When I bemoaned the fact that I could not go on a retreat this month, a friend quipped, "you should have thought of that when you had the dang thing." My response was, "don't call him a 'dang thing'." But really, I think that exemplifies the attitude of our society. You have a child, you raise it. When it's such a huge job, why not treat it as a barn raising. Many hands make lighter work. I have seen the light. I hereby commit to helping out others raise their children! I renounce my past, my false views. I rejoice in the merit of Virginia and her mother, who seem to endlessly give a hand, without conditions. I used to help out Aida, but she had to ask me a certain time in advance. I never realized how addled trying to get through the day sleep deprived can make you. I used to joke about how Aida was always tired. The writing on the wall for me. Even though I got 9+ hours, I'm still tired. My bones ache. Diana says I'll get some rest when he goes to college. Diana aches for his company, my bones ache from his company. She sees the world more positively than I do, in this regard, I need to try to be more like her.

45. I'm no Ronald Reagan

Diana had a hard time leaving William yesterday. She calls more when she misses him. I was asleep this morning when she left, so I don't know today's missing index status. Friday is her last day at work without William. While it's been a tough time for her, at times, it's been a boon to me. I've really gained more confidence that I can take care of him. I've gotten to tune into him by taking care of him from 7-4. I've overcome, to some extent the exhaustion. It's hard though. I'm not thinking as clearly, it's harder to think when you're sleep deprived. But I have to do something, or else I get sleepy.

I was reading the little biographical bit on Ronald Reagan in the New Yorker, and supposedly he did not get much fact time with his children. He would focus more on his political career. He apparently introduced himself to one of his kids once, like he was a stranger.

I've got him in the rocking chair while I write this. Diana holds him in the evening and he sleeps a lot. I don't hold him as much as she does. I love holding him, but I also like to move around and do things. I put him under the rattles, and he wiggles for up to an hour sometimes, hitting the rattles. I get him when he cries twice. First time, I don't want to undermine his ability to take frustration. Sometimes I think he barks because he's just frustrated. He's "talking" a lot more. I try to copy him or respond to him every time he talks. I was reading one of the wonderful books Jen and Joe gave me at the shower, and when he talks, I stop reading and talk to him. I want him to learn talking is about taking turns. You don't talk when others are talking. He's wiggling more complexly, and with more vigor. He's looking around more. Last night he would look from his sleeping mother, to me, and back again. He has a million facial expressions. You can tell he has a vivid active internal world.

Last night for some reason, he got very upset, and cried really loud. I felt bad, because Diana woke up and she immediately bare hugged him, and he calmed down. She breast fed him till he slept. Sometimes when he wakes up he grabs his head, and face. I worry sometimes he's going to poke his eye. It really scares me, but I can't always be there to make sure he does not poke an eye out, he needs to learn not to poke his eyes. I think somehow he knows, but is not totally in control of his fingers. Sometimes I put them down.

It seems like his legs have gotten bigger. I notice new things, before I notice his face was changing, or his hands were bigger.

We listened to Robert Cray this morning. Somehow there are jack hammers and lawns being mowed a lot. It's a noisy day here. Even the street sweeping machine is quite noisy.

44. Tired Tuesday

Some miscellaneous stuff. He smiles when he falls asleep. He grunts, arches his back, and smooshes his hands into his head when he wakes up. I like it that I can kiss him, he's so helpless. But I worry I violate his space. I move my hands about, showing William the possibilities. I show him himself in the mirror. The age of constipation is over. He's become Sir Poopalot. Five times yesterday, and 4 times today. He's smiling at me. I went to change the diaper tonight, and he smiled at me. He's adorable.

He went to bed around 8pm, got up at 1 and 3. I got up. Diana did not hear the first one. She woke me up for the second one. She was happy this morning, she got more sleep. She had a hard time tearing herself away from him. I'm very tired. I think I'll call up Abuela and see if she wants to take care of him some. I'm giving a talk tonight on the 5 spiritual faculties to the sangha, so I need to work on that a little bit too. He was wiggling like crazy this morning. He's getting stronger. He's also fussy when he's tired. I have to bear some voicing of discontent, before he falls asleep, because I've fed him and changed his diaper, and aside from holding and burping, which I do, there's little else I can do. He can't really articulate what he wants yet. It's a guessing game. I think his crying helps tip the scales towards sleep, when he's tired.

43. Monday Musings

Yesterday's father's day suffered the problem of my birthday. I want everything to go my way, but I know that just leads to disappointment, so I try to think like it's nothing, a regular day, and just take everything as gravy. But that does not work. And it would never work. Nobody can read my mind, and I'm not the great communicator, and even if those two things could be done, the world does not cooperate. I know this is a silly struggle, but somehow on my birthday I can't get past it, and now, unfortunately, on father's day. But objectively, it was very nice. Diana got some some good presents, including a DVD of The Iceman Commeth, which I love. And Aida gave me a shirt that matches a shirt she gave William. We can dress up together. Diana's mother gave me some silk shirts. Hector text messaged me. Paul called and left a voice mail message. Everyone wished me happy father's day. And I think my best present from Diana was to say that she appreciated me, and thought I was a good father, just before she fell asleep.

I called my father. While he left me, and caused me trauma in many ways, I recognize he's tried to do his best and he has done some positive things. Our relationship is OK now, we try our best.

My poor mother thinks I'm judging her when I talk about raising my child differently than her suggestions. I have a lot of sympathy for parental guilt, and for parents. Raising a child is not easy.

Diana felt guilty for going shopping. I don't need anything, and going to breakfast was a treat (thanks Virginia for paying). But they went shopping, as they always do when we go to New Jersey. Since I got up early, I slept through the Mets game, and woke up when the BBQ family came over: Clemencia, Jorge, Judy, Brian, Joseph. Then Victor, Veronica, Eric, Angel, Checho, Jimmy, Paquita. They brought a friend, who's name I didn't get. Ditto for the dog. When Diana got home from shopping, it's pass the baby around time. Diana's family is pro-children, they are all very sweet. We put baby oil in his hair because of his cradle cap, and then gave him a bath. His hair stays down for a little while when you get it wet. But then it sticks right up.

We got home really late, and poor Diana bustled around the house for a while. I think she got about 4 hours sleep last night. I got about 5.5. She gets up at 5, and I got up at 6:30. His grunting wakes me up, and if he doesn't fully wake up I take the opportunity to drink coffee and read the paper. Diana is glad that this is the last week of school, with next Monday just being a staff day. She will take the baby in that day. I will take her. She sees the end in sight, and has survived this month of working, so we could keep our health insurance, and the cash flow. With usual board of education efficiency, we have not gotten her disability pay for being pregnant.

But more about William. He puts his fist in his mouth. He was following his mother a lot with his eyes the other day. He still tries to get milk from everyone, including me, but I think he's starting to zone in on who his parents are. He was following me with his eyes when people were holding him. In the car he was staring at Aida for a long time. I wonder if I have faces ingrained in my memory. People's looks change, but I think I have the core group of care takes in my head.

I think William is ticklish around his neck. They say he pooped 5 times yesterday. Diana's theory is that it's the breast milk, but they feed him a few bottles of formula while they're out, which is about what I feed him during the day, so I"m not sure if that theory holds up. She hates my skepticism about her theories, she would even hate to hear me characterize her utterance as a theory instead of the gospel from my love.

I'm feeding him all breast milk today because we have a freezer full. It's harder to time unfreezing and freshness with breast milk. You speed it up with hot water, or cold water, and you slow it down with the fridge. But once it's completely thawed, you can't put it back into the fridge, and you can't keep it out for long. But the breast milk is so precious, I don't want to pour it out, with the ease that I pour out easy to come by formula.

He got up around 7:45, had a bottle. I rocked him and held him. He was OK, but began to fuss, and put his fist in his mouth, so I got a small bottle going. He fell asleep, and I swaddled him, but it did not stick, and he woke up. I got another bottle ready, he was fussy, but he only sucked a little before falling asleep. Sometimes he gets caught between half tired, half rested, half hungry, half full. Only time tips the balance.

His face seems to be changing, the shape of his head. He's got huge legs, and arms, my mother wonders if he's over weight, but I don't think that's possible and our pediatrician did not say anything. I saw a Judging Amy episode where a woman starved her baby because people commented on how chubby he was. I like to call him Bubba. He's still rather small, despite going from 10 to 15 pounds. Today he is 8 weeks and 5 days old. What a sweet boy.

42. Poop squirt on father's day.

I was talking with Rich, to thank him for being such a good step father, and I heard a yipe downstairs. He'd squirted poop again. The little fellow. We could say it's premature diaper changing, but you can't let it fill up too much, it overflows.

Diana got up at 5 and 7 to feed William, but then Virginia took care of him and let Diana sleep. She took care of him in the room, though, and I woke up, after a brisk 6 hours sleep.

Yesterday I saw him in the morning, and then I went out, and when I got home, Diana was out, so I didn't see him much yesterday. He's getting so big, he's a bubba. This morning he was vocalizing a lot. He makes so many cute noises. He's wiggling more, but he still can't roll over. I love the weekend, his Aunt Gigi and Aida can dote on him. Diana's mother was walking around the shopping places, liking it when people marvel at his hair. He's got quite a crop of hair.

On the phone yesterday my mother wants me to read more to him. I don't think he gets much out of it, but it can't hurt. I want to be in tune with him, and when he can get something out of reading to him, I'm going to read like crazy to him. Right now he's just trying to master his internal world. He's trying to gain control of his limbs. He's so helpless. I like it because I can kiss him whenever I want. He's so adorable to me.

41. More guilt

I went to the Mets game last night with Paul Moscarella, Billy Lampert and John Homer. The rain delay made it a late game. Even though they won, and I thoroughly enjoyed myself, I felt guilty when I got home and Diana and William were asleep.

In the morning, Diana's mother came over, and took care of William for me. I went into the city to meet with Stephen Batchelor (http://www.stephenbatchelor.org/) who is the author of some good dharma books. With Sita, Laura, Andrew and Vajramati we had coffee with him, and discussed the dharma, before he whisked off to another city on his book tour. Quite nice of him to meet with us. Afterwards, I had some more coffee with Vajramati.

I got back to my mother in law's place around noon, and walked William back her without a carriage, or snugglie. I was sweating like crazy. William played with his hanging rattles for an hour, then sucked down a bottle, and went to sleep. I watched him a lot because I felt like I had not seen much of him lately.

He slept 100 minutes, and woke up when his mother came home. She's feeding him the bottle of breast milk I just thawed out, and then she's going to express and create a new one. What powers.

40. Time to look for a job

I broke. I took William over to his grandmother's for 3 hours of uninterrupted time to work on my resume. I'm not sure I'll spend the whole time working on job hunting. I put him in the snuglie, and threw out the garbage. Then I thought I could go for a walk. Then I thought I could walk over to Abuela's, and drop him off. I think I need a break. After two and a half weeks, of 4 day weeks, I'm knackered. The next friend I have who has a baby I'm going to try and help out. I forgive Aida for dumping Natasia on us without warning.

I read some other blogs. I couldn't find anything exactly like mine, but they are all so personal, that's pretty unlikely. I want to look some more.

William seems to be a righty. He plays with his right hand more with the rattles hanging over his head. I call him "Sweet Boy" a lot. He's so wee.

He's got little gunk folds that accumulate gunk. On his neck, inbetween his fingers and toes. I'm getting better at keeping him clean. I have to clip his nails, he scratched his face some today.

He's been eating slow today, maybe out of comfort, or maybe because it's hot, though I had him in the room with the AC. When I took him out in the snugglie, he knocked out right away.

I felt sort of guilty and like a failure to drop him off at his grandmother's but just as quickly I thought I have a right. I forget what advanced European country, but they have a person who just goes from house to house giving parents a break during the day so they can get things done. Seems rather more enlightened than our children hating country. In Italy childcare is government subsidized 90%. In America it is subsidized 10%. Which country is more invested in it's children? If you're not producing widgets, what good are you? But I'd better polish my resume instead of rant about America's imperfections.

39. Father wakes before son

William fell asleep around 11:30pm last night. Diana conked out. She's running on fumes and guilt. She feels like she should spend every second she can with him. She was sucked dry last night, but she still wanted to hold him. She gave him a bath, earlier. I need to bathe him more. I get a little nervous doing it. I need to get over that. My mother needs to visit to help me remember the virtues of bathing. Falling asleep last night, I felt like a piker, all the things I could do but haven't yet. But when I hear myself tell myself to get my act together, I know I'm trying my best, and it's going to take a while to adjust.

This morning I woke up before he did, I had a dream where I'm an outlaw. I'd just evaded the law, when I was given the choice of going back to the dream or waking up. Diana was still here. I think if I got into a pattern I could meditate at this time. He grunts a lot in the morning, but he hasn't woken up yet. It's been a solid 50 minutes. Now I just need to wake up 45 minutes earlier, and I can wake up enough to meditate. I had enough time to wake up, but not to meditate. His grunting is getting louder and more frequent.

If anyone wants to be put on the "photo of the day" e-mail opportunity, just send me an e-mail: steve@fwbo-nyc.org. I send out a photo of the day to my grandparents in Georgia, my father in California, my mother and step father in Chicago and Virginia in midtown and New Jersey.

38. Father and Son nap

Diana bought size 3, he's no longer 1-2 size. We like Huggies. I don't like Pampers and she doesn't like Luvs. You can't get size 2, so far as I could see.

He was fussy and drooly today. He would not eat and his diaper was changed, and he was crying, which is very rare for him. He fell asleep. He fell asleep on my chest, and then I moved him onto his back and he did not wake up like he usually does. He and I slept for 3 hours. Abuela came over and dropped off some food, but I did not hear her. I'm not sure if Joe called, I don't think he did. He was going to come over for lunch, I wonder what happened to him.

He pushes his bottle out with his tongue sometimes. He did not eat too much today, only 3 bottles. He's eating now though.

He's leaning forward sometimes. On my stomach he puts his head up and grunts, but he tends to try to magically move towards my nipple, which will not yield milk. On his back, on my legs, he leans forward and drools.

Diana says he got up at 3:30am. She fed him and he was OK. He woke me up at 7:30am. He went to bed at 1am. He took long naps, last night at 10, and today from 1-4.

37. The Golden Shower

I numbered all the posts yesterday. A few might be out of order by one. It will help me backup the entries. People keep telling me to back up the posts, so they are not lost forever. I don't know how long Blogger.com will keep these posted. Maybe Sparky will want to read these some day.

William is sleeping. He woke me up around 7:30am, with his grunting and fussing. He does not really cry though, until you pick him up and change his diaper. Today he let out a little grunt, and covered his face in urine. I forget to cover that area some times, and usually I don't pay for it. Today I did. He seemed a bit surprised by it. After I cleaned him up, Diana left a bottle for me in the air conditioned bedroom, so I would not have to leave it. It's not too hot out, I've turned the AC off, and now William is swaddled and sleeping in his room. The irregular sleeping patterns continue. He took a 90 minute nap last night, and did not fall asleep until 1am. He sleep a lot yesterday with his mother. Good old mother love.

Last night I bought him some clothes and some sun glasses. Before the baby war born we got 2 huge garbage bags of old clothes from Aida's family, and everyone was buying cute little outfits for William. So I thought he had enough clothes. Diana saw my not buying him an outfit as a sign that I was not appropriately interested in William's arrival. She did not even comment when I bought him stuff, but she did like the stuff.

I bought his cousin Emma some clothes too. I was early for my sangha meeting, and walked around a little and found a children's clothing store on 7th Avenue. Five dollars for a single outfit, green with "green" and yellow with "yellow" on it. To help him eventually get his colors, I guess. I worried for a second whether they were manly colors, but I'm not really into that rigid gender concepts. Lots of men in prison because of their gender concepts. Hopefully my "two spirited" friend is going to visit us today, for lunch.

Grace is the same size, 6-9 months, and I got her two pink singles. Singles are the top and bottom combo with the button entry diaper change area. I got her some pink sun glasses too. Little Emma is older than William if you count the birth date, but younger if you count the conception date. Emma was due later, but was born earlier. Pretty close in age, though. She's more of a crier. Angie does not like the pacifier. It will be interesting to see how the two will develop. It will be hard not to compare the two.

36. Virginia's e-mail

Diana took the day off because William was fussy from his 3 shots yesterday and has a slight fever. She knew it was mostly for her, she needed to take care of him, not so much he needed her to take care of him. But I'm sure he profits from the attention. And I liked going back to sleep, to sleep till noon.

He woke up at 2:40am. I was fumbling for my watch to look at the time and Diana said it. I got up and fed him and comforted him and watched episode 13 of Curb Your Enthusiasm, which I've gotten into.

I woke up at 6am, he was fussing, and Diana was in the bathroom. I got up and took care of him until she decided to call off work.

Abuela is here, holding William.

Virginia wrote this in her last e-mail:

I tried to respond to the blog posting; but it's too complicated... thanks for expanding the ceremony details. I liked it very much & thought a lot of it was similar to his Baptism, except all present agreed to be his "protectors" rather than just the parents & godparents. I still have my
white thread & somehow feel more connected to Jyoti & Emma since I was holding her throughout the ceremony; but I had to laugh at the irony that she pooped herself out of an outfit at the end.

35. Two Month Doctor's Appointment

William weighs 15lbs, 6 oz, is in the 95 percentile in weight, for 2 months, 75th percentile in head size, and length. He got three shots, and cried a bit about that. Poor little guy. The doctor, like most people, commented on his hair. He said he looks like a 7 month old. Next appointment in 2 months.

34. last post on naming ceremony

He's grunting, but he's slept a long time. Diana said she was trying to wake me up to make me take care of him in the night, but I didn't wake up and she finally got up around 4:30am, close enough to her wake up time of 5. I've been napping a lot with him today. I feel kind of lost because I've finished Dry by Augusten Burroughs, and I really enjoyed it. I would like to keep reading it. I read the newspaper and my latest One Story magazine. There's nothing much on TV, and after a few Pistons/Lakers highlights, I'd had enough of the sports news. It seems the Yankees can't lose, how annoying.

My mother wants more info on the naming ceremony. We started late, because Harry was really late, over an hour. I said, "maybe he's coming this time because he wanted to miss is." But he finally came and Vajramati finally got into the bathroom and then we began. Vajramati explained the ceremony. I read the Metta Sutra, which has a line about caring for people the way a mother cares for her only child, and that's come to mean more to me. Then we chanted some stuff in Sanskrit, and English. We tied thread around everyone, and Andrew read the Mangala Sutra. And Vajramati read a blessing, and then again in English. The we snipped the threads and we all tied them around our wrists. And it was over.

We had a spread of cheeses, humus, fruit salad, chips and salsa. Harry and Michael drank beer. After a while some people left. I drove Vajramati, Sita and Andrew to the subway, then went for a walk with Vava and Cliff. Then the party moved to Diana's mother's house, where she had cooked some. I walked Cliff and Vava half way to the subway.

Virginia left early because she had to get home to clean her house for a party she was having. Both Diana and I felt guilty that we should help her with her party, but she said we have the baby and that makes life more complicated, and she was OK. She called me when she was trying to light the charcoal fire and was having difficulty. But the people came. Diana took William to church with her mother and she hung out with him yesterday. I got a lot of sleep and napped too. But Monday is still cruel to wake up to. We have a doctor's appointment, and we are watching Natasia between Diana's mother going to work and Aida arriving to pick her up. I've been pretty lazy, just reading and napping with William. He's a cute good little boy.

He's gone from the 1-2 size diaper, to the size 2 diaper. He never was 0 size. He's wearing 6-9 months clothing and he's only 2 months. A lot of his clothes already don't fit him. We've got a lot of year old clothing, but not so much this size. He's OK though. I'm tired. I'm going to lay with him. I'm surprised he hasn't woken up yet, I've got the bottle ready. He woke up really hungry this morning and sucked down a bottle. He even cried when I took it away to burp him for a minute. No day is ever the same, you can't step into the same stream twice, which Cliff kept saying on Saturday.

33. the day after

Diana is sleeping with Jyoti on her chest. He's had a stuffy nose and he's been struggling with it today. I have a bit of a stuffy nose, too. Allergies or the excitement of yesterday. Opse, Diana just called for me. He needs a diaper change. Now he's eating.

I meditated this morning and I was flooded with grateful thoughts about yesterday. Quite a wonderful day. Everyone liked the thread around the wrist. Even the non-Buddhists were trying to chant along, which was really sweet.

I thank Vava for creating the controversy of saying that men only like their children, not children in general, and thus leading to men trying to prove her wrong. I enjoyed the walk later with Vava and Cliff and sweet Jyoti.

32. Jyoti: Buddhist Naming Ceremony

I think after 2 years, I am still insecure about being a Buddhist. I felt insecure about having the ceremony, though I think the little thread around everyone's wrist is so sweet. It makes me really happy. I think people were genuinely interested, curious. It was an honor to share my Buddhism with them, if that makes sense.

I'm glad everyone came, and I thank Diana and Virginia for fixing up the house and getting the food ready. I thank Andrew and Sita for coming. I thank Vajramati for running it, he did a great job. I thank Cliff and Vava for coming. I thank Josephine, Michael, Evan, Harry, Angie, AJ, Venus, Emma, Aida, Natasia for coming. I thank Diana's parents for coming. Also thanks to Sunanda for sending the ceremony outline and texts.

Jyoti is his Buddhist name, and if he chooses to become a Buddhist when he grows up, this ceremony will be auspicious. I was glad everyone supported my spiritual beliefs, I'm really touched by it all, and I'm so glad William/Jyoti is in my world, and I'm in his.

This makes 31 posts.

Well, the jack hammers outside the windows they used to break up the concrete, led to a concrete truck with all it's noises today.

Diana was hovering over the bed at 6am. "Everything all right?" She said, "I've got to get ready, I can't take care of him any more." I said I would, and promptly fell asleep with his grunting. It was a grunty morning. Is there any relation to pooping? I don't know. He has the usual wake up wiggle, grabbing his head, arching his back, groaning the wake up groan.

His grunting escalated and his eyes opened, so I got up and fed him. We played the eat, sleep, put down, wake up game. He needed to be held, he was uncomfortable. More poop theory confirmation. So finally he fills up a diaper with the goo, and I change him, and there's less fussing and angry wiggle, more peaceful bottle drinking.

Now he can lay by himself and play in his activity center, gooing and cooing. Earlier he listened to some Donald Fegan, and now he's listening to some Philip Glass. He listened to some WFAN too, complaints about the west side stadium, that is wrong in so many ways, and because of that, will probably go through. Murphy's Law.

I mirror his vocalizations. I'm hoping to get a conversation going. He's still trying to control his arms. Still trying to figure out the body. I see him turn inward when he's busy in his diaper. I know Paul likes all the diaper talk.

I put on a warm outfit earlier, but it's warmed up, and he's back to his little singlet, and I've put a blanket over him. My test for temperature is myself, and whether he's sweating or cold. Diana's estimations are colder, and she's more prone to covering him and dressing him up, but it's worn off on me, I think. I feel a cool breeze, that is pleasant to me, and I bundle him up. He's wearing 6 months clothes and he's only 2 months.

Better get back to him. I answer his noises, but I like to be closer. I can only step away for a second, and then I have like this natural timer that tells me to get back close to him.

30. Fool Me Twice, Shame On Me

Last night William squirted poop at me. For the second time. Egads. I should beware the signs.

Today was Brooklyn/Queens Day. Some religious parade many years ago led to this day being off, but now the parade does not really happen. Diana had off, so as she says, I pushed the bulk of the baby caring off onto her. I slept late, yes. And I don't have the breasts to feed him. I guess I do sort of put him off on her, but I though she liked that. I think she does. I'm so confused.

We went AC shopping today. At the 4th place we got some good deals. One small one for his room, and a big one for the living room. I'm going to need someone to install that big one. I think William had a good day out with me, Diana and Hector who helped us out, hung out with us today. People were doting on him out in public. I love that.

29. Computer Troubles

I've had computer troubles so I could not blog. I missed writing about William.

Yesterday I took him for a walk to the library. I had to stop and feed him. But otherwise it was nice, and he fell asleep, and he was really mellow when he woke up. I think he needs to go on more walks.

I'm very tired, but I'm OK. I can see why people fall asleep driving now. There's no pattern, though, I'm tired one minute and awake the next. Like clouds passing in the sky.

Yesterday we went out to celebrate Ray's birthday (a few weeks back) and Aida took care of William while we went out. Virginia slept over, instead of going back to NJ, and she held William while we ran around the home doing things. It's good to have people helping out. Diana's mother comes over, but I think she's holding back. Diana says I should ask her for help, but I'm trying to see where my breaking point.

28. Wakeup noises

A jack hammer on the street woke William up from one of his naps today. The garbage truck that take the huge garbage bin and dumps it into itself is quite loud. He wakes up sometimes when I talk while holding him, or when I sneeze. He wakes himself up with a sneeze. The door buzzer, or the phone can wake him up. Loud action on the TV, radio or iPod. Cars squeal around the corner, motorcycles rev up their engines. Car alarms. Bloomberg is talking about cracking down on noise, supposedly many of the complaints to the 311 number are about noise. In the intermediate seasons, when it's hot to open the window, but not so hot you turn on the AC.

William holds his fist like he's saying, "got your nose," with his thumb between the index and the swearing finger.

We ran out of bag in the diaper genie, and I've been putting diapers into the garbage. That's created a urine smell in the house. Diana put a new bag in, but it's tight, so I haven't been using it.

Diana wanted me to take the baby to her work, it's a half day. I'm exhausted. I don't have the mojo. Diana says he got up at 4 for a feeding. He woke me up at 7am. He just woke up now.

27. Fussy Boy

Today was William's most fussy day. He was harder to console, more so in the evening. Once again, I had a premature diaper change, and it was difficult to keep the waste in the diaper as it spilled out. Yummy.

My therapist told me about Winnicott's concept "primary maternal preoccupation". I'm reading the essay. Seems the mother of a newborn is obsessed, which is normal. I think he's the one that says baby and mother are one.

William has taken to hitting his mother. I think of Klein and her saying kids want to eat the mother's breast, eat the mother. I think I'm starting to get interested in therapy again, I need to start looking for a job. If I could only muster the energy.

My computer crashed, so I had the wrong date on it, and some of the posts are logged in incorrectly. Oh well.

We gave him a bath. I took photos and video taped it. I need to make another web page. Lots of things to do. I should sleep, though, because I'm tired and everyone is asleep.

26. At Josephine's

I want to go home, but William is latched on. We'll go soon. I came up here to try and wake up, they're allowing me to blog from their computer.

We've had a lovely Saturday afternoon BBQ here in Chatham NJ, for a goodbye party for Jen and Ashley. The ribs were a little burnt, but they were not burnt on top. Josephine always throws a wonderful party, and it's great to see everyone. Little 3 year old Evan runs around and is a pure joy. William has slept and eaten, had some diapers changed. New setting, old routine. He slept on me for a while, a long while. Diana keeps her modesty by putting a receiving blanket over herself.

William woke up at 6:30am this morning, and I wanted Diana to sleep because she stayed up, but she got up too. She was up till 2 with him. She's going to fall asleep in the car on the ride home.

She was holding him and we had a group hug, my first consciousness of the family hug.

I got to meditate and went to my Buddhist study group. I picked up Aida on the way home, and then we came to NJ after a while, playing my love songs for Diana file on my iPod.

They have a nice house here, and it's fun to hang out. Aida and Diana dressed William in jeans and shoes, he's all dressed up. Virginia came over. She's going to sleep at our house and go shopping with Diana tomorrow for Jacky's shower present. I'm going on a meditation day from 10-4. I'll miss the little todger while I'm away.

My eyes are stinging, but it's a pure joy to be able to take so much care of William. Everyone thinks he's cute and I get so much joy out of others appreciating him.

Vajramati came up with a Buddhist name for his naming ceremony next week, "Jyoti" which means "spark" or flame, fire or light from a flame. My nickname for him is Sparky so it's perfect. I'm looking forward to the naming ceremony next weekend. Of course he has a legal and he has been baptized in the Catholic church, but we're also celebrating my tradition. It's truly a wonderful full world.

24. I'm well rested

Diana took William into the night with Aida. Virginia, whom I rejoice in her merit, took William into the night and morning. I slept till a delicious 8:30am. I kissed him goodbye, as he was trying to drain Diana's fullness, and went to a meditation day. I got home and got to see him for a little while before D, V and W went to Jacky's shower, for her little girl that is on the way. I too a long delicious nap. I woke up 5 hours later, and then Diana came home with William. He looked so big and precious. I held him for a while, Diana gave the last feed, and then she went to bed. I rocked him to sleep. He's grunting, so I don't think he's fully cooked, but who knows. I've got the multicultural lullaby CD that Celeste, Steve and Katie gave us, playing. But I'm not that tired. I'm well rested and my mind is fairly well washed from the meditation. Thus begins another week.

Notes from the weekend: Michael calls William "Flock of seagulls" because his hair is kind of like the lead singer in Flock of seagulls sometimes, wooshed down to a point in front and flared up in the back.

I love the aunts and others holding and doting on William. Virginia, Aida, Paquita and others. He's been rich in attention thus far in his life. Everyone comments on him not crying that much, I think because we try very hard for it to not get to that point. They say the less he cries in the first year, that sets a pattern, he expects to get his needs me, so he does not panic so much. It engenders a kind of confidence. A secure base, as Bowlby calls it. Meanwhile, society outside the family does not so much support children. When I'm on the streets with him, I feel a weird vibe.

These are salad days, he's pretty quiet and fairly easy to take care of, and he's pretty helpless. He can't move around too much. I feel really lucky that I just ended school, and it's time to look for a job, so I can take this little break to get to know him. My grandfather Parks says he was not so much around when his children were born, being in the military and all, and that's a shame. I can't imagine how Grandmother coped by herself. I hope she had friends and family around her. I have a newfound respect for parents.

Diana is talking about an intense month taking 2 classes, so she can finish her masters and get that monkey off her back, in July. Classes in the daytime 4 days a week. Maybe I can string this gig out for another month. My friend Joe already has a job at an outpatient mental health clinic, I am very happy for him, and a little jealous. I've been doing therapy for the past few years, and now I'm not so much. I find myself digging into Diana, others, I need to get back to work, keep my skills sharp, begin in my career. And yet this is such sweet time. William is so wonderful. My little Jyoti. They say that's a women's name in India, but in Buddhist circles, it's for both.

23. Friend's Story

Virginia is doting on William right now. He's making cute noises for her. He's wiggling to try and get to her not lactating breasts. Virginia says everyone comments on his hair.

Abuelo was here a little while ago. Diana came home and was happy to see him. She's going to let me go to bed early tonight, instead of having the night watch, while she goes to bed for work. Yippie. I'm really lucky to be with him, though, this time is precious, a gift.

My friend sent me this little story about his son, who, I think, is going on 4:

Last week I had to take him aside and remind him that he can't be too forceful when trying to make new friends - he'll literally pull a kid away with him to play.  We talked for a while about what he should and shouldn't do, and how his actions might be interpreted by other kids.  A while after we talked, he looked really sad and I asked him if he was feeling OK, and he said, "I'm sad because you just told me the story of rules, and I don't like it."

I thought that was cute. He gave me permission to post it.

William just ripped a big diaper of poop. He's not gone in a while, and it was quite loud, sounded violent. I burp him out of habit, it often yields a burp. Poor little guy needs assistance that way.

Four days of taking care of my son during working hours, and not one of them was similar to the other. I wonder when he will start settling into a routine. He's going to bed earlier and earlier. Today he is 7 weeks and 2 days.

25. Tired, addled, but OK

I'm tired. Last night I thought he was getting with the program, going to bed at 11pm, 30 minutes earlier than the night before. But alas, he was grunting too much around 1:30am, so I diapered him, and he was very very hungry. In fact, he seems to be going through a growth spurt, or a fussy period, because he's grunting and sucking the bottles down. He's wiggling more forcefully. Much more activity from him.

I'll talk to Diana later, but he woke me up (Diana leaves around 6:45am) at 7:45am. He hungrily gulped a bottle down. My sleep deprived addled brain, led me to believe I had a doctor's appointment, that I really have Monday. So I packed him up and took him out to a phantom appointment. A practice run. Everything went OK.

When I got home he slept a little while. I was hungry so I made a egg sandwich, and read, and then he woke up. He gulped down another bottle, and now he's playing with the "activity gym". I'm so tired. I'm glad it's Friday. I want to nap, I want to meditate.

22. My First Solo Bath

I took more photos of him today. I'm running out for my photo of the day e-mails to his grandparents in Chicago and California. Of recent ones anyway. He's changing so quickly. He's huge, but he's still tiny weeny.

My meditation was interrupted by my boy's waking, but I don't mind. He's bound to sleep later, and he did, and I finished it. He's sleeping now.

I just gave him my first solo bath. I put baby oil in his hair for a little while for the cradle cap. Then I put him in our little bath gizmo. I wished him, and then shampooed his hair. I picked out an outfit (his mother might now approve) and fed him a bottle of formula because the breast milk ran out. I've fed him mostly breast milk today.

Diana says she got up at 4:30am and fed him for an hour. That's long for him. In the morning he does not wake up crying, he just grunts and then falls back asleep. But when I have had enough sleep, the grunts wake me up and so I warm up a bottle and change his diaper, and the cycles begin.

I've been watching lots of movies. I've seen 3 French movies in the past 2 days. Taking care of a baby is more conducive to watching TV than reading. We've got a bunch of movie channels and a few good ones, so I'm not starved for entertainment. Plus I could just watch him for hours. I put up the things for him to hit with his little hands, that swing and rattle, and he was very interested in that. "You mean I can effect the world?!" He seemed amazed at his powers.

I left the phone in his room for one nap, and someone called and it woke him up. That was silly of me. Virginia called, and I'd still left it in there. Oops.

Abluela came over. I video taped some of her beautiful Spanish baby patter, while she doted on him. She's very kind and loving.

21. Boy Headbutts Father

Yesterday was unlike the day before, William seemed to require constant holding to sleep. Every time I put him down he woke up, and when I picked him up he slept.

His movements and vocalizations are becoming different, complex and more varied. He's still got a torso thrust, perhaps in an attempt to get into the breast feeding position which he so loves, that resulted in a head butt this morning. He's smiling more, but most likely at his internal world, not the external world. Poor fellow is stranded on his back, though, he can't move at all, except to wiggle the extremities. I can't tell you how much I love his smiling.

He's gotten more interested in his "activity gym", the thing that goes over him and he can move the things with his arms. I put on a Baby Einstein DVD, and instead of looking at the TV, he was looking at the activity gym, so I put that over the pappasan. He liked it for a while, but seemed to get frustrated. Maybe he wanted to do more. Maybe he was overstimulated.

I've started putting my hand to my mouth, for hungry, baby signs. Supposedly 6 months is when they can begin to begin baby signs, though each baby develops very differently.

He's fallen asleep. He slept from 11:30 to 5, a longer night, 5.5 hours. Night before was 4.5, and last night was on breast milk, so there goes the knock out punch of formula theory.

20. I should sleep when he sleeps

William went to sleep around 1 a.m. I was woken up by Diana around 6:50 a.m. She was getting late for work, and I needed to take care of the baby. I fed him the bottle she gave me, and set him down to sleep, and he puked a little. Opse, over-fed. Poor Diana was frantic, trying to get out of the house. I offered her a ride, and she got to work early. We don't want to drive with William in the car, it's an unnecessary risk, but unavoidable today. Diana is working out the kinks of her early morning routine, and struggling to go back to work.

I keep putting him down and he wakes up and I rock him back to sleep, and then the process is repeated. I need to sleep now, maybe I'll meditate. I missed yesterday's sangha night because when Diana gets home, till she goes to sleep is my chance to catch up on my sleep. And I fell asleep.

Last night he pooped himself out of an outfit, diaper volume 9, that spilled over at the leg, and given time would have spilled over the back. Diana cleaned him up. She gave him a bath while I was sleeping, and his hair is so soft. I love it when he's cleaned.

19. Long Afternoon Nap

William slept enough for me to meditate for 12 minutes, but he woke up and I warmed up a bottle. He ate it, but he seemed pretty full. He sat up and just stared at me, and when he wiggled, I fed him more. Finally he fell asleep. He slept for about 3 hours. I slept a lot too. He was half on a pillow and worked his way down to just laying on the bed in 3 hours.

I woke up and got to meditate a little, and read. He woke up finally, and I fed him some. While I was feeding him, his momma came home.

She missed him terribly. She cried when she left him this morning. She breast fed him, only one though, and she had to pump the other, before she left. Now he's going to get some good and fresh stuff. He's got a body wiggle, where he tries to get into the feeding position, regardless of who's holding him. He can kind of lurch sometimes. He arches his back and leans to one side.

Diana says she started leaking at work. Luckily teachers noticed. She's got to take more pads and an extra shirt.

18. Abuela visits

William slept for 15 minutes, woke up, and at about 4 oz of breast milk, and then he sat awake wiggling and hanging out. I was watching TV, but then I decided to listen to a lecture on Buddhism in the room. I sat him on a pillow and he wiggled and looked at me. Then Abuela came over and now she's holding him.

Diana called. She was just checking in. She had to go to pump some milk. Back to work for her. I'll talk more to her later, about her day. She'll be glad to be reunited with Dapper Dan. I'm going to put some baby oil into his hair for his cradle cap, and I like to call him Dapper Dan when I do that.

17. Should I sleep when he sleeps?

William is sleeping now. Diana woke up at 5am, and either pumped or fed him. I slept through it. I woke up around 8:30. He was grunting. I changed his diaper, then changed his diaper and then started thawing a breast milk. Big mistake. Next time begin thawing first thing. His crying while we waited for the breast milk to thaw was hard. But finally it was all liquid, and then the nipple was too slow for him. I changed it. The slow nipple is good when he's been eating a lot, and just wants to fall asleep sucking at the bottle. But not for waking up hungry boy. So I got 4 oz. into him, and he was still fussing and not so happy, even after another diaper change, so I warmed a formula. He sucked down 4 more oz. He wiggled a little bit and fell asleep. I have him half swaddled in the bed. Now I'm going to read the paper with him. I laid down with him, but then I thought I have to do some adult things. I really should try to sleep, but if I don't drink coffee I won't really wake up. I need my morning therautic dose of coffee. I wonder when he's going to let me meditate.

Cliff sent me a text message wishing me well today. Virginia called to check up on me. I'm all right.

16. Swaddled and asleep

Diana is asleep and so is William. If he wakes up before 5am, I'm the man to work it out. Diana is going to get up and feed him, or pump if he's not awake. Then eventually she goes and I'm solo for the longest time I'm solo with William to date. It's very exciting, and tonight is the first start of it.

My mother says she enjoyed the blog. Erica in Florida wrote us, congratulating us.