328. Frazzled father

Our nickname for Andrew is Grunty. He doesn't cry, but he grunts a lot. Diana said once that he's a noisy baby. Not so much when he sleeps on you. Andrew wakes up three times in the night. He generally pukes up the formula, so there's not much incentive for me to get up and feed him.

I think William is getting some more teeth. I think I saw a tooth under the skin when he was howling yesterday. He feel down and scraped his knee on the way to the park yesterday. He wants to be held more, and he's crawling more at the park. Last night the park was as crowded as I've seen it. He likes to walk back and forth across the bridge, which is pretty firm and does not give much. A little fellow was made to share his ball by his mother. There was this impossibly thin woman that disturbed me. I could not imagine she didn't have anorexia, but then again, she could just be really thin. Perhaps she was just the baby sitter of the little fellow she had going down the slide. The cacophony of languages is wonderful.

My aunt Celeste sent a piggy bank for Andrew, which is very sweet. When I came home on Tuesday, he didn't hear me, and was wrapped in the TV. I felt a loss, something was taking his attention from me. Then he saw me, and got very excited. I live for those looks when I come home. Then he didn't seem so concerned about going to the park, and he went to bed early. But he woke up, and my dreams of a relatively free night were dashed. I love these guys so much, but my exhaustion is palpable, a 5th member of the family. And yet last night, I read a little, and I've woken up early today.

I am very much looking forward to getting off next week, to spend time with the boys and my strong devoted wife. I want to get up in the night. I would be useless at work, I know that, if I get up too much at night. I'm giving my wife and my job everything I have, and what's left over, I'm giving to the buddha, the dharma and the sangha.

I was telling my boss last night, I can't take it up a notch to spoil William through this time. There's no higher gear to shift into. I was giving him everything, and now it's been divided. Diana more so. You hear these horrible stories, a 4 year old was found on the street the other day. Turns out the boyfriend of the mother, put her there, to save her life, because he killed the mother. How horrible. Everyone at work comments on my anger, they see me as an angry man. I think a lot of it is crankiness, not enough sleep, and still giving it my all. There's bound to be cracks in the facade under those circumstances. And my insurance company is cutting off therapy, they say I don't need it now. I wonder if I'm regressing to try and keep my therapist. I'm not consciously doing it. My good friend Alyssa is teaching anger management. She says she feeds off the group's energy, she is really enjoying it. Anger and anxiety are energy giving emotions, I think that is part of it, I need energy. Although not from food, I seem to be gaining a little weight. Maybe I'll take William for a run tonight. Maybe I need to go back on my SSRI, which I've been off for about a month. Maybe a week off will help.