448. Cycle of Life

Last night William fell asleep around 10, when Diana was out walking Elaine's dog. Andrew was thrashing around as he does for hours before he falls asleep. He wasn't going to bed, so it wasn't a surprise he got off the bed, and went out to be with Diana when she returned. Diana has not gotten much sleep lately, so she insisted on going to bed. She often passes up my offers to go to bed, that I will stay up with the boys, and even though I'm getting up earlier to meditate, she is taking a class and needs to be aware. I was more caught up on my sleep after getting enough sleep and taking naps. Aida and Natasia were over yesterday, and I took a long nap when the speech therapist came over. I go away when she's around, because William acts out when I'm around, and I want him to focus on the speech therapist. She says she's working on him loosening his jaw, showing him his mouth in the mirror, and giving him things to chew on his back teeth. She's also working on intentionality in play, which is easy for me to support. I just push one of the trains around, and announce in advance where I'm going to go. I like intentionality. I am working on being more one purposed, more integrated. There are so many ways I am splintered into many different areas. Having a family has helped me to order my priorities, by having so little time to myself.

So Andrew went to bed at 11:30, but woke up and finally went to bed around 1:30. I'm trying to reduce the co-sleeping, and putting the boys into their bed. They find their way back when I'm too tired to fight it. We're not going to draw the line in the sand, but I do think it's important to fall asleep on one's own, in one's own bed. I need to work harder to communicate to be in harmony with Diana. She is good at working with me. Last night, I didn't want to give William chicken nuggets, he's often eating them. We were happy when we found something he wanted to eat. He's a picky eater at times. Andrew is a good eater, he tries everything, and I suppose he benefits from my experience with William, and I try to give him a wide variety of foods, while he lets you put things in his mouth. He's good at spitting out what he doesn't want. William is a better sleeper right now, going to bed when we do.

The occupational therapist is working on matching insect type and color, and hand grip, by pulling on this thing that extends when he pulls on it. She had him squatting down and tossing a heavy ball back to her. And he refused to work on drawing a vertical and horizontal line with a crayon. His nose was a faucet and I ran interference with Andrew and wiped his nose. We're trying to get him to say, "tissue please," instead of "ugh ugh ugh!"

William woke at 7, and Andrew at 7:30. So Andrew was fussy and wanted to be held and whatnot, with only 7 hours of sleep. I'm sure just as they'll adjust to our being around, it's back to work, and Paquita.

Last night we were trying to clear the place for a rug shampooing, and I went out with the boys. Just as we were going out, Mia was coming home. Mia ran all the way inside, and missed William. We ended going up, and playing. Mia is quite a challenge for the boys, which I like. She's struggling to share, and presents some difficult behaviors, but her language is well developed, and she's a whirlwind.

William's cute asking for a band aid when he's hurt, has turned into a kind of wimpiness, that disrupts sessions. "I'm hurt," is what he says at the smallest pretext. He gets angered by his brothers littlest touch, and invokes the rule of "no hitting, pushing, kicking, throwing," unsuccessfully, because Andrew is so young.

Andrew's cold is on the wane, and William's is waxing. It is a week where James Brown and Gerald Ford died. Ford by the way is the first president who served as president but was neither elected as president or vice president. He was also raised by a stepfather. The first president I remembering entering my consciousness was Carter. I wonder who it will be for the boys.

Reading biographies, watching The Lion King with it's circle of life, watching Finding Nemo, and watching the news, I can't help but wonder how I will come to and end, how my children will come to their end. In a way, I think Buddhism is all about the recognition of the end game. Where do I want to be at the end, not just in my prime. It is a maximum of Buddhism that I will have to give up everything I know and love. At the boys births, I was very much thoughtful of the cycle of life.