371. The Door In The Floor

I got up with Andrew at 5:30 Friday morning. I usually get up at 6:30 for 30 minutes of reading and 40 minutes of meditation, and then get myself together for work. I feel more energy in the morning, I'm a morning person, and I see Diana and I splitting her into the evening and me into the morning, though I'm sure she would point out how often she ends up getting up in the morning too.

Thursday morning they were both awake when I set down to meditate (late because I overslept). William came out and was respectful, but I smiled and patted him to reassure him, and not freak him out. I wanted him to have a positive vibe from me meditating. I only got 20 minutes to sit, but I've actually been quite good at getting my morning dose of meditation, with Diana not working. I worry about September when she goes back to work, but I suppose I should just appreciate the now.

Saturday night Diana used my move--going to bed with William. I was up late with Andrew. In the morning I felt already spent when they both woke up, just as I was about to sit and meditate after Diana left. I had a rough morning with they boys, they took turns crying and sleeping and I wasn't as good as last weekend. I turned on the TV right away. Perhaps my tone of voice prompted Diana to call her parents, and they volunteered to come over and get the children, and I had them alone only for 6 hours. I think I could have made the whole time; I didn't ask her to do it. But I did suffer William's look of betrayal as I buckled him into the car seat and kissed him goodbye. He recovers pretty quickly, he's easily distracted, that's one good thing about a child's attention span.

I saw the movie The Door In The Floor. Like The Sweet Hereafter, the center of the story is the death of children, and the consequences that has on the parents, and the people the parents come in contact with. To say that these stories evoke, what's Aristotle's conception, catharsis, a powerful emotional response, is to understate the emotions it evokes in me. And yet, I'm a pretty risky driver still, impatient and needing the care to keep me awake and attentive; I really need to modify my driving style. That is why I like to talk on the phone in the car (with my hands free headphone), because it distracts me and I drive more safely.

It's all a dream, anyway, this life, and I know how the story ends: everyone dies. My paternal paternal great grandparents died, my maternal grandparents, an uncle, other relatives I hardly knew. There is an order that usually holds. And yet, there is no prevention of suffering, nothing to stop this loose pattern to not hold. Perhaps I should not watch such movies, but they sneak up on you. I turned on the TV while I had some soup, and that is what I caught. I suppose that serves me right for turning on the TV, again.