384. Mr. Inbetween

Long time no blog. Sometimes the tidal wave of demands by my two sonny boys raises up and I am washed beyond where I feel I have control. I'm pretty puny in the world, but at times I trick myself into thinking I'm more acter than acted upon.

Both of them seem to have had runny noses for as long as I can remember. We ran out of tissue paper, so I'm using toilet paper.

Andrew is in the stage where where wants to go everywhere, but does not yet have the means. He's constantly dissatisfied because of it. He doesn't want to be held. He wants to be constantly moved. He is put down and gives some frustrated attempts to move. He's actually moving more. He's very interested in his brother, and if he comes into the room and makes a noise, and he's feeding, he will turn his head to look at him and stop drinking at his bottle.

William is cute, and mean. He bonks his brother on the head, makes him cry, but then he uses all his words to try and get into good favor. Or he won't spill something he would usually spill, he's more pliable. He will throw things out.

Virginia has been around because Tim is out of town, and so she's been gratified because she has "taught" him things.

William is saying words, I say "share" and he says a close version of it. He's mostly using "up", "down", "help", "ball", "bike", "baby" and "juice". "Mo" means a DVD, usually Sesame Street, but he'll accept Blues Clues or Backyardigans. He's into Sing Yourself Sillier right now. Book wise he's into Fox On Sox, among others, and that's a real tongue twister. He seems to be more into climbing up onto the window ledge more these days.

383. Rich is here!

Andres turns 7 months tomorrow. Rich came Friday and we went out to dinner. It was quite difficult and William never sat at the table, except at the end, when he had a bottle. Andres was OK, sat in his carrier and than drank milk in his carrier, but from then on he was in play and then even got cranky. It was quite exhausting and dispiriting for me, it made me not want to go out in public with the boys because it's just too hard. Then I feel bad for having negative thoughts, parents are always supposed to be calm, pleasant and in control.

William was very cute giving me a hug when I went out to get bagels for breakfast. He says bye bye.

They're not ready yet for eating out, and while William likes to explore the world, I think it's just easier to be at home. We don't go out much, and that's the way it's going to be for a while. But once the boys get more under control and respond to language, then I want to do more. And I want to do thing with one of them, that's manageable. Even eating at the table was difficult with both William and Andrew awake tonight. I write Andrew, but his real name is Andres. I call him Andrew. I'm quite exhausted.

I got a new bike today. To hopefully ride to work, and it has a child carrier, so I can give a boy a ride. I got a helmet for William, and when he gets a little bigger and can't ride it, Andrew can.

William likes his new tricycle, though he hasn't quite figured out locomotion with it. He says, "bike bike bike," in a cute way. It's nice to have Rich here.

382. Seaseme Beginnings

Sometimes waves of activity engulf me, and it's hard to write about the wave that rushes away. William had a birthday, and on Easter we celebrated Emma and William's birthday with Diana's family. It was a big gathering. William got to play outside a lot, which I always think is good. He seemed to take a shine to Nicole his younger cousin, smiling at her. I limped into work on Monday, it was pretty tiring for me.

Monday morning William and Andrew woke to Harry being there. Diana went with her mother for her surgery to remove a lump in her breast.

Wednesday we went to a dumpy Italian place to have a family meal. Nothing lasts and very long and soon they are hard to manage.

William is saying "help" more. Thursday Janet watched William and Andrew for a little while.

381. Cake!

William had a dentist appointment. Getting him dressed he punched me in the face. I say, "you can be angry with daddy, but no hitting." Of course he doesn't have the language to understand or express it, but I'm getting ready for when he does.

Virginia came over and took them all out. I get to take it easy because I'm sick, which is how it should be, but usually I don't get to with the children around. You know I'm sick when I stay home from work because usually it's harder to be at home than work. Diana says, "call if you need something," but I'm sure she's not happy that I'm under the weather for this important weekend. She has been nice to me, but she bears the burdens.

Aunt Nancy in Ecuador sent William a coat. Emma too. Great Grandpa and Grandma Parks also sent 4 cards, I forgot to mention. My mother reports their presents are on the way. And Rich is coming next weekend, he's going to be bringing some presents.

For William's birthday he had a dentist appointment, he had a hair cut, and pictures taken. He's not going to like his birthday in the future. He doesn't like the birthday song. Virginia and Tim were over, and Andrew had more fun with the cake.

Saturday we went to Cunningham Park. William fell asleep, and took a while to get into it, but he finally did. We had dinner together at the table too.

We got a package from Zane and Bridget. We got a puppet from Aunt Di in New Mexico. Lots of good presents.

380. Birthday boy!

I came home from work yesterday and slept 18 hours. I'm feeling pretty weak today, I don't see me being much good at work today. I haven't eaten much. Not sure what it is, never really felt this way before, but I suppose it's probably some kind of temporary bug. I've had a cold, but this is more than a cold. I'm not just tired because I had 8 hours the night before. The whole time I was worried about William, somehow. I'm also worried about my patients too, they've come to rely on me, and I don't like being sick.

I missed seeing William and Andrew last night because I was locked in the bedroom. Somehow he didn't see me when I came in and went to the bathroom. All kinds of kids were over, and Harry took them to the park. William fell asleep at the park.

Today is William's birthday! He is 2 years old. He's such a wonderful boy. I hope he has a good day and weekend. We already got flowers from Zane and Bridget, and a nice outfit from Great Grandma and Grandpa Parks.

Diana reports William says "wait" a lot. Also "watch".

379. Andres and Guillermo

William has gone longer without insisting his socks come off. Andrew is wearing William's old clothes, I keep thinking they vaguely look familiar, and then I realize that I have quite fond associations. I took Andrew for a walk to get India food for dinner, and he fell asleep. Wednesday seems to be crash night, they all take long naps. Last Wednesday when Paul was here they were all sleeping. I can't remember the week before that. Andrew is so adorable. I gave William a bath this morning. He doesn't cry until he gets soap in his eyes, when he rubs his eyes with his soapy hands. Tuesday morning Andrew slept late. Last night some cousins came over, more family get pictures with Andres and Guillermo.

378. Snow! Standing!

William said "snow," and it was snowing outside. This morning when I was leaving, he didn't numb down and pretend I wasn't going. He grabbed his jacked and gave it to me so I could put it on him and take him with me. Broke my heart to go to work without him. He's been saying "up" and "down".

On Monday night Andrew grabbed the crib, and stood up. He's quite active, he stands holding on easily. He's very fussy, he wants to move. He thrashes, and wiggles and won't sit quietly so much any more. He cries when he's left alone, so he definitely is becoming attached.

377. Cry Baby

William checks what I have in my hands when I come home to see if I have any presents for him. I occasionally bring something home for him. William has gotten into whipies, now we have to hide them from him. William took off his onesie tonight, so he could be naked.

Andrew fusses when Diana leaves, Abuela leaves, Janet leaves. Janet baby sat Thursday and Friday. Diana went out with friends and saw a movie. I had a hard evening with them, Andrew cried and when I was trying to put Andrew to sleep, William kept waking him up. I don't think I handled it as well as I would have liked to.

William has been going to the park this week with the warmer weather. He ran around when I was with him Saturday. He went on the swing for a little while, which he's not very much into. He had another occupational therapy evaluation. The woman said when he climbs he wants pressure on him. So we put a pillow over him and I press and say, "squish, squish, squish." or tight hugs. He smiles. I think he has some sensory integration issues. I think I have a few myself. We all do to varying degrees.

376. Gretch

It was lovely to see Gretchen on Saturday night, and Virginia and Tim. Gretchen is so funny, I think she could be a comedian if she wanted to be. She was very sweet with the boys too.

Sunday was a bit difficult. I have troubles taking care of two children sometimes, and I lose my equanimity. William keeps waking Andrew up, and I'm only trying to put him to sleep so I can have more time for William.

When I came home on Monday night, late, they both are very excited to see me, and they seem to be just the cutest boys in the world.

Grunty of course woke me up early. I'm looking forward to Day Light Savings Time changing, so the sun gets up later.

375. The Mundane

My aunt Di said, "I don't read the blog, I have a life. You write about the mundane, he burped, he did this, he did that." She said that after I pointed out she would know that Virginia was married if she read the blog. She said, "you can send something more than photos!" She said her blog would be equally uninteresting.

They brought dinner, came out to us in the boondocks of Queens, and brought presents for Andrew and William. Will and Bart played a lot with William, they had him laughing up a storm.

William says, "turn," and, "thank you clearly."

374. Andrew is 6 months!

Andrew is 6 months today, 15 plus if you count it from conception, which we estimate somewhere around New Year. He's a sweet lovable adorable little baby. Virginia stopped by on her way home from somewhere or other. I got some good pictures of her holding both the boys.

I had Emma and William in my lap reading before Angie came. I feel really lucky that William has Emma to bounce off of, play with, fight with and ignore. When he got a little rough with her, I said, "kiss" and he tries to kiss her, and be sweet. He's really quite adorable. William's dancing has become more sophisticated and varied, but he got shy dancing for Virginia.

Andrew woke up at 7 this morning. I fed him (too much it turns out) and he puked up a little bit. I sat him down and tried to meditate, but you need to occasionally feed him new toys to play with and examine, and he occasionally leans over and loses his position.

William is so much for me, and Andrew was so much on top of that. I didn't get to spend 6 months not working with him, which feels unfair somehow. But I think he has a wonderful spirit so far, and I'm just so curious to see what kind of person he turns out to be, and how he and William develop their sibling relationship. Life is very rich.

373. Shush Baby

William cried when his little pancake broke. Diana reports he cried when his animal cracker broke.

Andrew requires more attention, he's ability to move himself does not match his ability to keep himself safe or hurt himself. I leaned away for a second and he toppled over and hit his face on the edge of William's bed.

Yesterday they went to Evan's birthday. I took the opportunity to take a 6 hour nap. They fell asleep, but Diana had homework to do. She woke up early and I asked her if she wanted to breast feed Andrew, to relieve the pressure of the night's buildup. She had to do homework, she says it didn't hurt. I think she's producing less milk. William got 8 months, Andrew is almost 6 month, I suppose the taper to no more breast has begun. Diana reports that the other day he was not so insistent about breast milk.

Andrew woke up at 7. There was a while when they were both crying and insisting to be held, and yet William would not be held with Andrew in my arms. Andrew finally fell asleep, with William not helping. In Piggle, Winnicott's book on a child psychotherapy, the little girl called her younger sibling, "the shush baby". I sometimes shush William because of his brother.

372. "Mine"

William likes to play chasing games. He won't share the blue crayon, and I chase him around for it. William likes to play Ernie to my Burt, dumping toys out, and I get all upset and want to put them away.

William has developed his own vocabulary. "Ew" is a kind of disgusted noise. "Da boom" is a kind of action sentence. "Nuh nuh" is a kind of pleading wanting, pay attention to me.

Tuesday Andrew went to bed early. Wednesday William went to bed early. Tonight I'm going to bed early. I'm exhausted. Diana turned her paper in, and it's been a hard week.

Last night I gave Grunty a bath, perhaps my first solo bath with him. The water was cold, so I made it short. I think his new nickname should be Grungy. Andrew is huge, he lunges at anything that catches his fancy.

Tuesday William was all set to get upset about me going to work, when Emma came over. He loves to play with her.

My meditation have been influenced by their irregular sleep patterns. Sometimes I get up to save Diana some sleep. Sometimes Andrew wakes up and I can feed him and get him back to bed, and sometimes like this morning, they were both up, and Diana contained them until I was finished. William related well to his brother. Diana put them in the crib and went to the bathroom, and I hear laughter. Diana took them to her mothers, and came home later and finished her paper. I held William in the sunshine, so he could get some vitamins in sunshine.

William said "mine!" in response to Emma's "mine!"

371. The Door In The Floor

I got up with Andrew at 5:30 Friday morning. I usually get up at 6:30 for 30 minutes of reading and 40 minutes of meditation, and then get myself together for work. I feel more energy in the morning, I'm a morning person, and I see Diana and I splitting her into the evening and me into the morning, though I'm sure she would point out how often she ends up getting up in the morning too.

Thursday morning they were both awake when I set down to meditate (late because I overslept). William came out and was respectful, but I smiled and patted him to reassure him, and not freak him out. I wanted him to have a positive vibe from me meditating. I only got 20 minutes to sit, but I've actually been quite good at getting my morning dose of meditation, with Diana not working. I worry about September when she goes back to work, but I suppose I should just appreciate the now.

Saturday night Diana used my move--going to bed with William. I was up late with Andrew. In the morning I felt already spent when they both woke up, just as I was about to sit and meditate after Diana left. I had a rough morning with they boys, they took turns crying and sleeping and I wasn't as good as last weekend. I turned on the TV right away. Perhaps my tone of voice prompted Diana to call her parents, and they volunteered to come over and get the children, and I had them alone only for 6 hours. I think I could have made the whole time; I didn't ask her to do it. But I did suffer William's look of betrayal as I buckled him into the car seat and kissed him goodbye. He recovers pretty quickly, he's easily distracted, that's one good thing about a child's attention span.

I saw the movie The Door In The Floor. Like The Sweet Hereafter, the center of the story is the death of children, and the consequences that has on the parents, and the people the parents come in contact with. To say that these stories evoke, what's Aristotle's conception, catharsis, a powerful emotional response, is to understate the emotions it evokes in me. And yet, I'm a pretty risky driver still, impatient and needing the care to keep me awake and attentive; I really need to modify my driving style. That is why I like to talk on the phone in the car (with my hands free headphone), because it distracts me and I drive more safely.

It's all a dream, anyway, this life, and I know how the story ends: everyone dies. My paternal paternal great grandparents died, my maternal grandparents, an uncle, other relatives I hardly knew. There is an order that usually holds. And yet, there is no prevention of suffering, nothing to stop this loose pattern to not hold. Perhaps I should not watch such movies, but they sneak up on you. I turned on the TV while I had some soup, and that is what I caught. I suppose that serves me right for turning on the TV, again.

370. Go

Eric says to Andrew, "where do you want to go?" He wants to go everywhere. Andrew took William's spider man cup that his glamma gave him. They fought over it.

Eric's visit, Di is visiting in a few weeks, and Rich is coming right after that.

Diana gave William some peanut-butter. He liked it. Eric said, "he better like it or his career as an American boy is ruined, they'll have to ship him over to France."

Diana likes to shop, but she doesn't like to shop with me so much (which is fine with me). But I went to a big store to get some cases of formula today for the first time. I got William a book on noses, because he's always grabbing Andrew's nose and saying, "nose!" Virginia taught him "hair" the other weekend. I got some other stuff, that store is cunningly conceived.

Our African American neighbors have a 5 week old baby girl, they were taking her out in stroller when I was coming in. The mother said on the way out about my boxes of formula, and the store, "that's my favorite store now."

Thursday evening William was upset when I went out to dinner with Eric. This is my experience now, I can't give enough time and energy to anyone, not at home, not at my job, not in the sangha. It's been nice to have Eric here, and reconnect. I like having friends for a long time, and his is interestingly episodic with his visits. I like his worldly experience.

William said, "go" to get me into his room to read last night. Diana says he says, "me go," meaning "follow me where I go." It's quite amazing the way he changes.

369. I don't know!

William said, "I don't know," which is I think his first sentence, beyond More Elmo ("mo mo").

William hasn't been watching as much TV. I got some more DVDs, and he was interested, but we seem to have broken the spell on the TV. But after 4 days of no naps and early bedtimes, he's back to the nap, and tonight he's taken a long nap.

368. Solid Food

Natasia called today. She said she was coming over. That's the first time I've picked up the phone to hear her voice. She called us. She's 8. She says, "actually eight and a half!" William likes to eat gogurt with Natasia. Aida came over. Diana's mother is coming over and they're going to be feeding Andrew cereal for the first time today.

William said "smile", "rain", "snow" and "please".

I watched William and Andrew yesterday from 7:30 a.m. to 6 p.m., my longest stretch alone with the two of them. It went well, and I didn't turn on the TV until 4:45, when Andrew's fussiness made me want to distract William for a little while.

On Monday Diana fed Andrew rice cereal with apple sauce and some formula. He took it fine, but later in the day puked up formula.

367. Veng

I'm sorry not to write more. Things get very busy at times, and I can't write as much as I would like to. I appreciate all the readers who are interested in our family.

William says "cool", "shoes" "bath". He does the sign language for "more" putting his two hands together.

Everyone was glad to see me when I got home from two days away on retreat. William of course does a million new things, and Andrew wiggles more vigorously. It was very hard to leave them, but this is so important to me, and I am just so grateful that Diana allows me to go, and all the family support she gets that allows it.

William is climbing up the entertainment unit more. He's drinking from a cup. Eric is visiting, and he will visit next week too. He's from France, did a Ph.D. in Madison Wisconsin and now works in Germany. We went to see some jazz at Fat Cat.

William says "bear" and "open" and "veng" meaning come. William puts his two hands together for the more symbol of sign language. He kind of uses it for "I want this" instead of "more" which is what it means. Shani is working on getting more eye contact from William. They're thinking of doing a re-evaluation so William can get OT services, because that would help him progress with the speech. At the time I was elated to see William do well, but now I wouldn't mind more services.

William didn't take a nap Friday and slept 12 hours. I am glad Diana got to really sleep in.

366. "Teve"

Virginia brought over some DVDs that William hasn't seen in a while, and he was mesmerized when he finally let me put them in. Usually William likes to choose the DVD.

William's speech therapy continues to go well. Shani had a fish puzzle, where you put pieces in with the fishing stick and magnet. The puzzle does not have pictures, and he still matches it. William is imitating more. He says "mine", "more" and "ven," which means come. He learned that from Janet who watches him Tuesday evening when Diana goes to class before I get to come. We're trying to get him to say "open" and "help". She's teaching his sign, and he does some. She has cards with words from the song. He follows along with stories, but he doesn't sing yet.

Emma wouldn't say my name, she says everyone else's name, but mine. But then last night when I was washing dishes, she kept coming to the kitchen saying my name, and then laughing and running away when I said, "what?"

365. Andrew rolls over!

"Bye Ma" and "Mo Mo" (More Elmo) are William's two word sentences.

Virginia just came over. Venus, AJ and Emma slept over last night (surprise!).

Andrew rolled over from his back to his front on 2/15, and the next day he rolled over and got his arm free. I missed them both. The first time William insisted I read to him in the bedroom. The second time I went out to get juice for Emma who has a terrible cough. She's coughing now.

Aida and Natasia went to Bahamas.

Diana said it would be OK for me to join a gym. I want to get strong for these boys, to be vigorous as I age. I'm 38, and when the boys are18, I'll be 56. I hope to keep up with them for as long as possible. Diana also think it will help me to be less depressed. I have a fear of being overwhelmed, and I am often over-stimulated, and there's no retreat. I do feel some positive adjustment towards handling the load better. I hope to go 2-3 times a week, mostly to lift weights, though they have yoga and pilates, which I'm interested. I'll run or bike there, so I don't need their machines, though I might use them to warm up. I joined the cheapest gym, and there are broken machines, but it will do. I feel sort of torn about missing some time with the boys. It's pretty hard for me to work all day and come home and be totally there. Diana gets angry when I go to bed, and she's staying up.

Tuesday's 4 hours of being alone with the children is humbling. I don't know how Diana does it. Plus she got Emma, AJ and Venus yesterday. She's taking 2 classes, and now she's going to start intensive Sunday classes tomorrow.