iam

Andrew calls William "iam" the last bit of his name, /eeam/. It's very cute. They went to Seth's birthday party and Brian's christening yesterday. Diana sent me a photo of some good that took a shine to William and visa versa. I was off meditating, chanting and talking the dharma. I yearn to have more of that, but when I'm away from the boys, I yearn to be with them.

William has been into the movie Balto. Balto is a half breed, and he is bothered by Steele the lead dog. Slurs and jokes are made about his parentage. But in the end, he uses his identity as part wolf to get the antitoxin to save the little girl, and win the heart of Jenna. In a way it's a tale about minority status with racial slurs and prejudice, which is ironic in the wildnerness instead of an urban setting, though maybe not.

He also likes Tarzan which is similar but different. Tarzan is raised by gorillas but when humans come and he realizes he's a human, he betrays the gorillas to let his new love Jane meet them. Greed and avaraice play a part in other's trying to exploit the situation and Clayton is the evil man who tries to kidnap gorillas. Similar but a more complex twisting ending, than Balto which is more clearly black and white.

The minute I suggested to Diana that William wouldn't learn to clean up until he was potty trained, he began to learn to clean up his lego. We make it one thing out at a time, excluding trains and cars, though those sometimes have to be corralled. He's got some wooden tracks, some plastic tracks and lego, and they have to be cleaned up to get to the next one. William said, "put the tracks over there." He's got creative solutions when he wants it, but the rule is put one away before you get out the other one.

School has begun to captivate William's imagination. I don't know if he knows what September is, but that's when he's going.

The boys fight. It disturbs me, but I'm beginning to see it more as my problem. Of course we put them in time out and separate them, intervene some times, but sometimes let it go in the hopes that they will work it out. Neither course is yielding immediate results. It disturbs me. The hit, push, throw things. Very disturbing, but I'm afriad normal. I feel impatient in getting them to stop. I have not succeeded yet, and I think it's not abnormal. We'll keep working on it.

Pathfinder Parents

Found a good resource for parents at coping.org.

comercial free

There's a campaign for a commercial free childhood. I like the idea, but it's too late for my children. I work to contain. William dearly loves the TV and while I worry about that, he's also vital and alive, and he's taken us turning off the TV better. We initially tried to get him into it to give us a break, but it grew into a monster. Andrew is not so much into the TV, which I actually like. He's always pulling me into his bedroom. I love my 7-9am time with the boys.

My sons

William asked Andrew, "is today a cloudy day or a sunny day?" I ask William that.

Andrew has taken to cleaning with the baby wipes.

William had an hour of speech yesterday and he was very verbal in the evening, very intelligent. I was impressed.

I've been mulling over going to an institute to develop my skills as a psychotherapist. It would take me away from the family and from my spiritual friends. But I think I would be more responsible at work, I would be able to help more as a therapist. I suppose I feel like I've been floundering long enough, I need more.

It's going to be hard, because I put the boys to bed, and I wake up with them, and I don't have enough sleep. We're in a routine of getting into the bedroom, drinking milk at 9. But sometimes it draw out till later. Sometimes they take big naps in the day, or they're just not tired. They have been getting up at 7. Say 10-7, that's 9 hours, that's not enough for a 19 month, and a 3 year old. I worry about sleep and the boys.

William has been into his Thomas The Tank Engine tracks. He got some for his birthday. At Natasia's he says, "they're my tracks." He really likes the tracks. This morning he asked me to put them together, but I was so tired, I couldn't get into it, and I wanted him to do it.

I love those boys, I'm looking forward to the weekend.

Molars

Andrew has at least 3 new molars that I can see. He's been crying more than usual lately, and that's why, we think. He's a good eater.

My new job has later hours, thus I'm going to be with the boys more in the morning, and I'm going to be putting the boys to bed at night. That's a difficult transition for them. William got up really early this morning to get some mommie time.

Andrew has be more aggressive. He's hitting William, he clocked him with a car the other day that left a little mark. At times he won't share the window. But they have fun with each other too, they enjoy playing with each other.

William has a new dance, he's really physcially expressive with hunched shoulders to express disappointment.

This morning he said, "look at me Andrew," and then babbled. I have been asking for more eye contact. I've got to use more respectful language. Anything I say to them comes back to me five fold. Beautiful boys, I'm grateful.

Party!

So the party was wonderful. Virginia rented this bouncing castle thing the older kids played in all afternoon, until it was too dark and I turned off the air. William went in for a little while, but for a long time resisted it. He went in when I took a nap with Andrew.

They both looked cute in their matching track suits of Thomas The Tank Engine. They had had a fresh shower when I arrived after picking up Paquita, Jimmy, Judy and Brian. Some of Virginia's co-workers and friends came, with Hannah around William's age. Some of Diana's work friends came, Elaine was in a good mood. I finally got to meet Frankie, his mother and father. Natasia and Robyn are sweet cousins to William. There were some relatives from Ecuador visiting too. Jacky, her mother, Zsolt, his mother, Nichole and Christian came. Joseph came. Evan, Ava, Micheal and Josephine were there. It was chaos at times, we didn't end up playing pin the 1 on Thomas. We did do the cake and the pinata. I slept in Queens, so I want to write this and get over there before they open up all the presents. Paquita gave William a Thomas "laptop" which is really cute. His first laptop! We're really lucky to have Paquita in our lives. And Aida and Virginia, Abuela, Judy and Ebo were all slaving away. It's really quite an amazing thing the way the family pitches together. Well done!

Some things I forgot to mention yesterday: Andrew got his 8th tooth. We took them for haircuts. I put the boys to bed alone, without the boys protesting so much and Diana coming in. Easter went by. Next weekend is William's 3rd birthday. William does slow motion man sometimes. He's got the cute saying, "Join me daddy." I can't resist. Diana has had a 5 day weekend, after 4 days of inservice training.

William is 3! A great day!

Today we have a big party for William at Virginia's in Mahwah. He turns 3 years old. It's hard to believe. It's not long ago that I was handed by the nurse this little newborn bundle. I try to savor and appreciate the moments. They fly by swiftly. As Blake says, "kiss the joys as they pass." I have tried to kiss William as much as possible. But he's getting older, and while he'll hug and kiss you, he moves on to his interests--Lego, cars, trains, Spongebob Squarepants, playing with his lovely brother Andrew.

William has grown up quite a lot, and he looks like such a boy. He can be kind and focused, articulate and caring. Even when he's "difficult", I know it's just my difficulty, he's really doing OK for him, he's doing what he needs to do, at that time. I'm so grateful that he has entered my life. I am a very lucky man indeed. And as family and friends gather today to celebrate William's birthday, I am grateful for them too! William has drawn many people towards us, me, and I am grateful for that too. He's changed the world in dramatic and subtle ways, that I greatly appreciate. He has helped me to grow up and become more flexible and wise. I can't really express what an amazing adventure it has been. Welcome to the great adventure, as Lou Reed says.

I left teaching about 5 years ago, became a Buddhist and went to social work school to become a psychotherapist. I've gone through 2 internships and on Friday I left my first job, where I worked for 2 and a half years. It reminds me of breaking up with my first real girlfriend. She was great, but I was off to college, and wanted to enjoy the world. I'll miss my co-workers and patients greatly. The past 2 weeks I've gotten more praise than I've ever gotten in my life. It's been a funeral and a parade. I'll miss Jen, Natalie, Caroline, Nati, Nitza, Florine and Linda. But I've moved my cheese, and on Monday I embark on new job, another great challenge.

All this change makes me grateful. My parents and step parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents are the foundation. Teachers in school, sports coaches, others. It can be quite humbling to think about all the people who have influenced my life. And to think about that happening to William and Andrew makes me happy.

I was recently saddened by the death of Kurt Vonnegut. Someone was throwing out a box of books when I was a teenager. So I reached in and grabbed out one. I somehow picked Slaughterhouse Five, and while I've read books as a child, this was my first adult book that I choose voluntarily to read and really enjoyed. I was hooked, I've read all 14 of his novels. He ushered me into the lovely activity of reading. I don't read novels so much any more, and I don't read as much as I used to before the boys come along, but books too, I am grateful for, I'm grateful for Kurt Vonnegut.

My wife has been wonderful, steady throughout all this change, and keeps a pretty even keel despite her difficulties. Her family, which at first I thought was too enmeshed, is a real joy now. They are beyond generous. A precious gift.

It saddens me that none of my Buddhist friends are planning to come to the party today, but spiritual community, the sangha, and my mitra study group, are an invaluable resource to me. Sita, Alyssa, and the new New Yorker, Savanna are precious to me. Vajramati is my kalyana mitra, my spiritual friend writ large. I have others as well, and I really find that for me, Buddhism is a powerful positive catalyse for change. Meditation changes my life every day. I am lucky enough to study the dharma, taught by a buddha.

So today, on this day of celebration for William, is also a big transition for me. I too am growing up a little bit, and am hugely grateful to be having such a party to celebrate my son's first 3 years. I wish to give my all in making this a great day!

update

Change: It's officially spring last Wednesday. Our sink finally works on Tuesday. Just a few minor details, it's fully operational now. Diana got a new battery for her phone. We got a new remote to fix our old one. I got a new job, I start April 16th.

Andrew seems to have gotten the cold that had William's nose running yesterday. Diana and I went to see Pan's Labyrinth. Daniella brought over Mia and David, and she baby sat for us.

William says, "Andrew pushed me," to new people. It's shocking news which often provokes a reaction.

We went to Evan's 6th birthday party. He's a cute kid, who's really grown up since I last saw him. Same for his sister Ava. Evan was kind to share all his Thomas the Tank Engines with William.

Odds and ends: We watched Peter Pan on the ride home. We watched it again the next day, to finish. William weighs 40 lbs. and Andrew weighs 25.5 lbs. according to our home scale. Still no haircuts. I got one though, couldn't hold out any longer. It was 7 months.

Most mornings William says, "I want to watch Rainbow Fish," It's a lovely video based on the book. It's got a lovely song about sharing of yourself. Then there's a story about dinosaurs and courage. He was like that with the potty DVD. He knew I liked it, and it got the TV turned on. Andrew is less interested in TV.

Haven't really had a chance to blog about the interesting articles I read in support of parenting. I think a parenting blog helps me to process some of my thoughts about parenting, but I really have little time for this. I'm thinking of just trying to write once a week.

7th tooth for Andrew

I accidentally put this on my buddhist blog, so it's "old", posted last week:

7th Tooth for Andrew

Andrew got his 7th tooth, the lower left one. Aida or Virginia found it Sunday morning. Diana can't remember which.

William is going to be going to school in September. Diana went to the ed evaluation. They want an inclusion class for him. On the one hand I'm elated to get free preschool for William. I think early intervention is great. His speech delays will hopefully be taken care of, resolved, and will not hinder him in life. On the other hand I'm a bit worried about problems. I have a vivid imagination based on real life experience about the problems of children with learning problems. It stirs up many fears. I hope so much for my boys. I'll drop him off at 8:30 in the morning at school, and he'll go till 1:30 pm.

Andrew said, "Ma!" today.

With Andrew about 17 months, and William 34 months, Andrew has been in William's life for half of it. I must say he's adjusted better than I have at times.

William is sweet when he asks me not to go to work, or asks if he can go to work with me.

No sink yet in the kitchen, but it's mostly done, it looks great.

Some Things I'm reading

There's an interesting article on the legacy a fellow got from his father in the Times style section (which I usually dont read, but suppose I might have to now).

There's also a touching article on how a marriage is progressing and the adversity. I like it that the husband sees problems as beautiful.

I like Tom Classen's haibun. His site doesn't have Before School, which is in the intresting book Journey to the Interior: American Versions of Haibun, which is edited by Bruce Ross. But it has some interesting ones.

I read David G. Lanoue's Haiku Wars, which Zane lent me, on our family visit down south. It's a haiku novel. My father writes some of these Asian inspired poetry forms, which you can see some on his site.

It's been 50 years since Sangharakshita wrote A Survey of Buddhism, but for my money, it's the best single book on Buddhism, that is not a sutra.

Last week in Newnan Georgia, I read the Times-Herald newspaper. And the Atlanta Constitution-Journal.

Road Trip

We drove down Sautrday, arriving Sunday in Newnan Georgia. We came back Friday Feb. 23rd, and arrived in NYC Saturday. It took about 19 hours both ways to drive the 920 miles. William puked twice going down, and Andrew puked twice coming back. I'm not the young person who could drive what took me 14 hours, by myself. I definitely needed Zane to help me drive, I got so tired, and next time we'll fly or take 2 days to do it. The boys did pretty well, they did much better than I expected, even though it's painful when they cry, and they had so much energy when we stopped.

Grandma, Grandpa, David, Nancy, Braxton, David and Molly were all a joy to see. We didn't do much except spend time together. The boys enjoyed the space inside and outside. Andrew got interested in playing with the cars while they were parked. William said, when Andrew was nowhere near him, "Andrew is kicking me." Braxton came over to about an hour and played, running around the SUV, and playing with the trains. Molly reported on some cute things he said. The newlyweds came by one evening, after the boys and Diana fell asleep. I wish them happiness in their marriage, we regretted now being able to come down for it. Grandma gave me a copy of the newspaper article with all it's quaint small town details. David stopped by every evening, and it was good to see him. I think Grandma cried the most saying goodbye to her son Zane, my father, but she will miss us all. I hope our hordes invading didn't disrupt their routines too much. They were kind and generous in our visit with them.

We went one day to a lovely park, that had 3 playgrounds, the biggest one was amazing. Otherwise we were home bodies. Next time maybe we'll spend some time in Atlanta, with all that has to offer.

Zane was a trooper, never complaining and helpful. He caught the cold everyone's had. The boys and I still have it lingering.

At home, our house is in disarray. The remodeling is taking longer. The counter will take 2 weeks to get, and we're not going to be able to use the sink till that's installed properly. All our stuff is moved out of that area to take the appliances and shelves and whatnot. They're working on it now, on a Saturday. Diana took the boys over to her parents. Zane and I will swing by and give him some last minute time with the boys before he flies off today. Thanks to him for all his material and presence support.

It was in the 60's in Atlanta yesterday. It's in the 20's here in NYC. Yikes!

colds

The boys broke another lamp. They either lost or broke the nice phones Virginia got to replace our constantly running out of battery phone. I think we should just abandon the land line, almost, because of all these troubles. Easily overwhelmed, I like the get rid of it solution.

William continues to say cute things, I can't remember. Natasia and Timothy came over Wednesday night to baby sit with Aida. Aida watched the boys while Diana and I went out for our Valentine's dinner. Grandpa Parks, and Great Grandpa and Grandma Parks sent valentines day cards. Diana got the boys some balloons, which they really enjoyed.

William has become a Sponge Bob addict. He wakes up in the morning and says, "I want Sponge Bob". He also asks for candy.

Preparation has begun for remodeling the kitchen. Aida has been very helpful, she really gets into other's projects.

Paquita had a cold. Andrew got the cold first. Diana got something slightly. Then William. Now I've had a sore throat and a runny nose the past two days.

Andrew is crying more when he doesn't get his way, when he hears "no".

smack

I've been working more to find the joy in child minding, and explore and fully recognize and accept my feelings of being overwhelmed, incompetent, angry and sad.

Andrew has learned how to kiss. Before he gave an opened mouth kiss. He's really quite sweet. When Andrew hurts William I tell him to say sorry to William, like I do when William hurts him. But he just goes over and kisses him and hugs him. They're really quite sweet.

My mother forwarded an article.

460. Long Time No Write

One of William phrases these days, when he can't find something, he says, "it's in the bushes."

The last Saturday in January morning was a lovely family day. William and Andrew like it when their parents are home even if they frustrate them. Aida and Natasia were over too. Andrew fell and scraped his chin. We had Delilah's birthday party at Harry and Angie's Saturday and we went over to celebrate. I put in West Side Story, which William likes at times.

The last Sunday in January was Robyn's birthday party, and there was a big blowout party at Virginia and Tim's.

This first Saturday in February I took the boys to the park in the cold weather. They look awfully cute in their snow suits. I always think of getting vitamin D through sunlight on the cheeks in winter time. William is quite deft at going down the slides now. They got absolutely dirty in the muck of the field, digging into the earth like some earth worshipers.

Diana and I have been going though some difficulties. My hope is to communicate better, more along the lines of Non-violent communication, which I have fallen short. In fact, I fall short of most of my ideals about the spiritual life, but that doesn't make me quit, I just want to try harder and have patience with myself. I went to the ER last Wednesday with chest pain. We're going to work it up, rule out angina, but I think it's anxiety, stress, tension. I'm hoping we're getting stronger from this adversity.

William

William
Originally uploaded by sravacitta.

Sweet William

slick andrew

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Andrew with his hair slicked back, what he would look like without hair.

fudgecycle face

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Andrew looking like the Joker with his fudgecycle face mess.

4 Cousins

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William with Lightning McQueen in his hands, Andrew standing up, Natasia and Robyn at Virginia's in Mahwah. William cut his nose in the night, somehow, we don't know how.

Andrew

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Andrew playing with his legs after a diaper change.

William in the snow

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William in the snow for his 3rd winter, in Mahwah, outside Virginia's.

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Originally uploaded by sravacitta.

Andrew with his hair slicked back, and his daddy with the Van Dyke, and drool marks on his shoulder.

458. Hi Gigi

William was evaluated Monday. It was an all day affair. He was so exhausted, he went to bed at 6 and slept till 8 the next day. When I got home Tuesday he was very verbal. He spoke 43 different words in a 9 minute span where I kept track. The ordeal seems to have pushed him. For me, one the one hand, I hope he keeps the services, because he's benefiting from them. On the other, I get nervous that finding something "wrong" means he's going to have trouble in life, and therefore I will have trouble. Of course, he will have troubles, and it's my job to take what may come. Diana asked him to do some of the things, and then she was frustrated that he'd not done them with the evaluator, but could the next day, easily.

Friday night Diana and I went to see Mama Mia, Aida and Natasia baby sat.

When William doesn't like what's being said or wants quiet he says, "shush, Emma is sleeping."

Gigi sent a link about cold medicine and children.

Tuesday Andrew said, "hi Gigi".

William thinks I'm Gordon. He's Thomas, Andrew is Percy and Mommy is James. Natasia is Emily and Aida is Duncan.

457. Laurie Berkner

There's an article on Laurie Berkner in the New York Times. She came out around the time Willaim did. I really enjoy her CD's and like the song "I'm not perfect", which is talked about in the article. I think it's interesting she's married to her former base player. William really liked Jack's Big Music Show, I look forward to new episodes.

Lego Construction

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Originally uploaded by sravacitta.

My little genius boy building with lego.

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William enjoying himself, running around the house, and not yet dressed up!

Andrew Photo

Coming Down The Stairs

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William in his Xmas outfit

Photo

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Originally uploaded by sravacitta.

Here's Andrew, Steve and Diana xmas eve

451.

Friday Harry came over to pick up Natasia. William asked if he could come over too. He went with Harry, aside from staying with Natasia, but also to be with Emma and AJ. When he came home later, he'd clearly had a good time, and was in a good mood. We played until he had a meltdown, it was quite late but I wanted to enjoy his good mood. We have stacking cups and he wanted them arraigned in a certain way. My inflexibility led me to want to stack them the way I felt they were "supposed to go." Of course my instincts are important, I am trying to inculcate to him some order, but not obsessively. I find my flexibility and desire for order are two hard things to balance at times, and my need for order wins out, and I have a bit of a tantrum. I sometimes feel tantrumy, being influenced by my boys.

I look forward to the day the boys can hike with me. When I was climbing up Breakneck Ridge, outside Cold Spring Saturday, I met a father with a 7 year old. I asked him when he'd started taking his son hiking. He said around 5, but this was his first time up Breakneck Ridge. I wrote about my hike on my other blog.

Virginia took Andrew, and Diana had William. When I got home from my hike, Diana was at her mother's. She'd taken William to the park, and then went to her parents. William watched Dumbo on TV. When he got home, he had Ice Age, and wanted to watch that. They brought home Lilo and Stitch, which is what I wanted to watch. No budging from him, so it was Ice Age. I go into the room to read after a while, but he joins me and we play some and then he goes out. He went to bed before it was finished. I think Diana was troubled by Andrew's first sleeping out. Maybe not first, but it's pretty rare.

450. daddy addy addy

William had band aid envy, about the band aid Andrew got for his blood taking. It was a Curious George band aid.

Andrew danced New Years away. William laid down with his mother and snoozed.

Andrew says, "daddy addy addy." I love that. He's almost saying, partially saying more things. William is speaking quite a lot too, it's quite amazing to watch them develop. They have regressed too, with my going back to work, they have had another difficult adjustment.

Paquita has reduced TV watching at my request. I don't want her job to be impossible, but last night the boys were more verbal with less TV, lots of book reading. A friend sent me an article about the ills of TV watching in children. I don't think it's horrible, but it's definitely something that shouldn't be on all day--they need variety. We're so lucky to have Paquita and I'm grateful to her.

William didn't want to go for a walk with me and Andrew, until we were just going out the door. Diana gasped when I said, "words have consequences," might have not been an appropriate lesson for an almost 33 month old boy. When I came home he said sorry, perhaps apologizing for his tantrum and anger, perhaps he imagines I was punishing him. He's scared often, and to me that's anger projected out and then coming back at him, which scares him. I'm encouraging him to express his anger in productive ways, support emotional intelligence.

William and Andrew continue to struggle with what to do when the world doesn't go their way. William says, "knock knock."

"Who's There?"

Usually he says, "William Bell"

Last night he said, in the midst of a tantrum for milk before he ate--which we freely give him, but not as a substitute for eating--"Milk". Diana and I laughed and laughed, and that got him mad.

Andrew enjoyed the walk, but when I held him when I got my veggie delight sub, he wasn't into being put back into the carriage and slouched down and sulked the ride home. It's jarring and I think it almost lulled him into a sleep. Back home, putting out the aerobed for Aida and Natasia, the boys romp on the air mattress. They are quite energetic boys, cute, adorable, exhausting, challenging. They bring out the best in me, and the worst in me. I just hope giving them my best is enough for them, "good enough parenting" in Winnicott's phrase.

449. Feeding Andrew

After watching Finding Nemo Wednesday, the boys played. We took them to the doctor. William got an antibiotic for his cough. Andrew got some shots, and some blood drawn. He's not gained much weight or height since September, though he still falls within the normal ranges. We thought he would have gotten some height. He is more skinny than William, so it's deceptive. The doctor thinks it's because he's drinking his soy milk all day and night, and that is suppressing his appetite. So we're to limit that, and come back in a month. And to get him off the bottle.

Mia came over Thursday night, and she's a wild child. When her mother isn't here, she likes to run rampant. William and Mia push Andrew away, which is not so nice, but she did have some nice interactions with him later. William wanted Mia to watch Cars with him, and she watched it some, but not completely. She was happy when she got home, because her father was home. Usually she doesn't see her father during the week nights, he gets home so late, she goes to bed so early to be ready for preschool. Anyway, I'm thinking maybe it should be a weekly play date. Got to work it out. I think with her being potty trained, her language, and all that, she's a positive example for William. And they seem to like each other. They can fight like cats and dogs, but they hate it when the other leaves.

When I came home Friday night, from a visit to Cliff and Vava, their last night in an apartment 2 blocks from us, Andrew flew at me, flung himself at me. I'd forgotten that feeling of coming home, not working since the 19th.

We've been trying to focus on getting Andrew more food, cutting down on his soy milk which might inhibit his appetite, as the last doctor's visit sinks in. He was 23 lbs. 4.5 oz and was 31 and 3/4 inches at his last doctor's appointment. He's gained some weight and still falls within the normal bounds, but I think we can do better at feeding him. We're working towards more regular meals for the family, whole family meals. It's hard with our hectic schedules, but it's hopefully our primary focus for the beginning of 2007. I feel like a horrible parent, but I know I'm doing my best, and sleep addled stupidity is one factor in not optimizing my parenting. After food, sleep is another big issue.

448. Cycle of Life

Last night William fell asleep around 10, when Diana was out walking Elaine's dog. Andrew was thrashing around as he does for hours before he falls asleep. He wasn't going to bed, so it wasn't a surprise he got off the bed, and went out to be with Diana when she returned. Diana has not gotten much sleep lately, so she insisted on going to bed. She often passes up my offers to go to bed, that I will stay up with the boys, and even though I'm getting up earlier to meditate, she is taking a class and needs to be aware. I was more caught up on my sleep after getting enough sleep and taking naps. Aida and Natasia were over yesterday, and I took a long nap when the speech therapist came over. I go away when she's around, because William acts out when I'm around, and I want him to focus on the speech therapist. She says she's working on him loosening his jaw, showing him his mouth in the mirror, and giving him things to chew on his back teeth. She's also working on intentionality in play, which is easy for me to support. I just push one of the trains around, and announce in advance where I'm going to go. I like intentionality. I am working on being more one purposed, more integrated. There are so many ways I am splintered into many different areas. Having a family has helped me to order my priorities, by having so little time to myself.

So Andrew went to bed at 11:30, but woke up and finally went to bed around 1:30. I'm trying to reduce the co-sleeping, and putting the boys into their bed. They find their way back when I'm too tired to fight it. We're not going to draw the line in the sand, but I do think it's important to fall asleep on one's own, in one's own bed. I need to work harder to communicate to be in harmony with Diana. She is good at working with me. Last night, I didn't want to give William chicken nuggets, he's often eating them. We were happy when we found something he wanted to eat. He's a picky eater at times. Andrew is a good eater, he tries everything, and I suppose he benefits from my experience with William, and I try to give him a wide variety of foods, while he lets you put things in his mouth. He's good at spitting out what he doesn't want. William is a better sleeper right now, going to bed when we do.

The occupational therapist is working on matching insect type and color, and hand grip, by pulling on this thing that extends when he pulls on it. She had him squatting down and tossing a heavy ball back to her. And he refused to work on drawing a vertical and horizontal line with a crayon. His nose was a faucet and I ran interference with Andrew and wiped his nose. We're trying to get him to say, "tissue please," instead of "ugh ugh ugh!"

William woke at 7, and Andrew at 7:30. So Andrew was fussy and wanted to be held and whatnot, with only 7 hours of sleep. I'm sure just as they'll adjust to our being around, it's back to work, and Paquita.

Last night we were trying to clear the place for a rug shampooing, and I went out with the boys. Just as we were going out, Mia was coming home. Mia ran all the way inside, and missed William. We ended going up, and playing. Mia is quite a challenge for the boys, which I like. She's struggling to share, and presents some difficult behaviors, but her language is well developed, and she's a whirlwind.

William's cute asking for a band aid when he's hurt, has turned into a kind of wimpiness, that disrupts sessions. "I'm hurt," is what he says at the smallest pretext. He gets angered by his brothers littlest touch, and invokes the rule of "no hitting, pushing, kicking, throwing," unsuccessfully, because Andrew is so young.

Andrew's cold is on the wane, and William's is waxing. It is a week where James Brown and Gerald Ford died. Ford by the way is the first president who served as president but was neither elected as president or vice president. He was also raised by a stepfather. The first president I remembering entering my consciousness was Carter. I wonder who it will be for the boys.

Reading biographies, watching The Lion King with it's circle of life, watching Finding Nemo, and watching the news, I can't help but wonder how I will come to and end, how my children will come to their end. In a way, I think Buddhism is all about the recognition of the end game. Where do I want to be at the end, not just in my prime. It is a maximum of Buddhism that I will have to give up everything I know and love. At the boys births, I was very much thoughtful of the cycle of life.

447. Holidays

Thank you to everyone who sent presents. I think this was my worst year for giving out presents to others; I did the least, something got returned as undeliverable, and I've still got to send out presents to family.

The first present we opened mesmerized William and he didn't really want to open any others. We opened a few for them, but they were not really into it. AJ provided the most emotion. We were at Virginia and Tim's big house in Mahwah, near Franklyn Lakes.

William and Andrew enjoyed the large collection of family, wide open spaces, and abundant children. I enjoyed the people around, until I'm overwhelmed, and then I go to bed. When it was appropriate I removed myself to the bedroom. I've gotten my allergies back, and I took a benadryl and slept through much. Diana says I huff and puff at noise, but I don't remember that. William has been getting up early (usually it's Andrew) and he woke up early the next morning. There were more gifts to unwrap, and he unwrapped some. I think this was a rolling Christmas. I'll try to make it more punctuated next year. At least we got a tree, even if we didn't find the ornaments and decorate it.

Diana has a training the T 26 - F 29th, so I'm with the boys till 2 today. Aida is coming to let Diana and I go to dinner and a movie. I've seen 2 adult movies in the movie theaters and one with William, since he's been born, 31.5 months ago.

I read a biography of Babe Ruth, then a history of baseball by George Vescey. Now I'm reading the Cramer bio of Joe DiMaggio. I find that baseball biography is something I can easily pick up and put down, while watching the boys. I'll read a biography of Clamente next.

446. Finding Nemo

Finding Nemo is Buscando a Nemo en Espanol. I alternate English and Spanish with William. I think it's important that he becomes bilingual.

I've seen Finding Nemo so many times. A friend suggested to me it's about obedience. I thought about that. Nemo is taken away because of his spiteful rejection of his father's advice, to not go past the drop off--which is where his mother and brothers were killed. But I think it's also about confidence, taking risks, wild vs. domesticated or less wild, friendship as well as the importance of listening to good advice. Marlin doesn't listen to the advice to swim through the wall, not over it, and ends him up in the jelly fish school.

In the denouement of the film is when right after they reunite, Dorry gets caught up in net with a school of fish, and Nemo imagines he can rescue them, and Marlin his father lets go of his fear of losing him, and lets him go into the net, to swim down. Of course it's a cheap move that he's laying on the ground afterwards, and a relief when he's OK. It is also how trust is important in friendship.

Dorry with her memory loss, is able to enjoy life. Marlin with his continuity of purpose survives many travails, but is also tortured by the loss of his wife and 199 children.

I do enjoy the travel, journey, odyssey type narrative, with various trials. I think the weakest story line are the sharks who treat eating fish as a kind of AA kind of thing. My favorite character is Crush, and his letting his son take risks is a poignant counter point to Marlin's playing it safe.

I think it's a funny scene to end with the tank fish in the water, finally escaping, but still in the bags. It's kind of like, what next?! Life is a series of problems you try to solve, that is never ending.

I really like the ritual scene where Nemo is given the ceremonial name "Shark Bait". William likes to chant and make the ritual sounds. I think of it in terms of my own hopeful ordination into the Western Buddhist Order.

It's a really beautiful movie, visually, and it makes me want to go snorkeling in a reef. I'm glad my son has chosen this movie to like, I think he has good taste.

445. Busy weekend

Friday night Cliff and Paul came over. Paul brought a present, and Cliff let the boys play a program on his computer. The boys like Paul and Cliff, which is cool. It's great when they come over, and I regret to have such divided attention, but they are both pretty good with accepting my current circumstances.

Saturday Diana helped Virginia and Tim move, and I joined them with Aida and the boys later. A huge lovely house in nice suburban New Jersey. They seem very excited to settle in, and eager to do all these tasks to make the home feel right for them. William enjoyed running around in all the space. They both love to explore everything. They are very curious to explore everything. Andrew is even getting to be a little pushy, grabbing my shirt, demanding by crying and other vocalizations.

The street light went off at 6:52 am Sunday morning. Andrew woke up and was very cute. When you're around them a lot, they can seem unremarkable for a time, but when Andrew wakes up in the morning, he seems so precious. He ate a banana with me and some soy milk.

William asked for ice creme, some other things that were not breakfast food, and then asked for toast. I made him some toast, but Andrew ended up eating it.

Seth gave me a big 4 person tent. I took it to Virginia's. I hoping to camp with the boys in her yard some time, to gradually get them into going into the great outdoors.

The new car has more storage and I brought back William (originally AJ's) old car bed. Andrew spent his last night in a crib. They go in and out of our bed, co-sleeping. We don't Ferberize.

Aunt Di came over Sunday, after visiting her son up at Vassar. It's lovely to see her as usual. Looks like there's a cousin's gathering in the Grand Canyon, and I've been invited to join. I'm looking forward to it, it's in May. Diana agree to my attending. Di was gone before I woke up, a nice and sweet visit.

444. William turned 32 months

William found Josephine's presents, and opened up Andrew's. Opse. She gave him a nice book and a toy train.

Andrew's gum situation went away. We thought he had a fall, but when the doctor looked up his gum, it looked maybe like a canker or something. It's gone away. In my anxiety, I convinced myself that he had cancer. The boys are fine. William caugh is just a cold. We're going to give Andrew some prune juice before we try the constipation medication. Good to have on hand though if we need it, we should get it filled. The doctor thinks his flatulance is from the constipation. As I meditated next to him this morning he was really letting it rip.

Diana is effectively done with her all out blitz to finish papers. It's been a difficult but rewarding few weeks with the boys.

Last night William got mightily upset about our being out of chicken nuggets. We had chicken vegetables and rice cooked by Abuela though, and after a monster tantrum, some time out, he ate it. He ate brocholi and I say, "you're going to grow up to be a strong boy."

There was an interesting article in the Times about sleeping and children. I don't think we have the fortitude to Ferberize them, and Diana definitely is against that, and any parenting, I've realized, must be in harmony.

Paquita, our baby sitter, and aunt through marriage (and through marriage twice for me) is very kind. She cleans and does the dishes, which is beyond the call of what we ask of her. She stayed later though this paper crisis of Diana, waiting till I came home, and going late to her English classes. She was very kind about me coming home late yesterday, because I went to the DMV and unsuccessfully registered my new car. Apparently you can give someone a car for title purposes, but for tax purposes, you need an original signature, not a fax. I made it a point to try and remain polite with equanimity, as I saw many tantrum and depressingly resigned around me.

One hour swimming classes on Sunday, we'll both be in the water. Virginia moves Saturday. I'm off from Tuesday afternoon, when I'm going to go to the DMV again. Then I won't work until 2007. William turned 32 months yesterday.

443. New Car

A very generous gift that will effect the whole family is a new-to-us car. Our old car was quite good, but the new one is larger, more storage space for drives out to NJ to do our laundry, and has a DVD player in it so the boys will be more entertained when in the car.

442. Charlotte's Web

The boys slept till 8 on Saturday, giving me some time to blog! Quickly we decided to take William to see Charlotte's Web, a free screening. Diana had to go study. Abuela and Abuelo took Andrew. I drove to the Bliss station on the 7 line, and met up with Natasia, Robyn and Aida. We took the subway in, and rushed and ran to the theater on 42nd Street. I liked the movie, and it's vegetarian themes. When we came out they had a table of vegetarian information, pamphlets and small cookbooks. William did pretty well. He got a little restless at times, wandered between the seats a little bit, but for the most part was pretty good in a movie. He sits so close to the TV, we're constantly telling him to back up, I think he liked it that we had to sit very close to the screen because we got there late.

We went out, walked down 42nd Street to get some diapers because I'd rushed out without them. William saw some cars, and I bought him one. He picked out the hybrid car Prius, which I thought was cool. Then we went to the Gap for the bathroom. Aida thought she knew where the bathroom was, but turns out I was right because I'd worked there as a job site many years ago, when I worked in a special education school. They'd remodeled, it's quite nice. Diana wanted a hat and glove for William so we found that. William fell asleep, so instead of going around the city as I'd hoped, I lugged the sack of potatoes home. He woke up when we got inside, yeesh. Immediately he went looking for Andrew/Andres.

441. ABCD!

Andrew shook his head ¨yes¨ the other day. He's into saying assenting or showing his disapproval more clearly. He can imitate sounds. He woke up at 6:15am Wednesday, and Diana interrupted my meditation because she had to catch a ride, which is fine. I ended up giving him a shower, like I have done with William many times.

Friday night, Diana went into the boy's bedroom, and Andrew had gotten into the crib. He's never done that before. I think it's time to get a new bed. We sent the car one over to Virginia, but she's moving next weekend, and very very busy, and I don't want to make any demands on her. So many 2007.

William is playing to himself more, he's more self sufficient. Also when he hurts himself he asks for milk, or a band aid, and the other day when he coughed, he said, "I want medicine."

I brought Nati over last night. Aida was going to a concert. I got to bed at a decent hour, but it was still hard to get up at 5 am to meditate for an hour. No mitra meeting today for me with Seth, Andrew and Alyssa, because Diana has to work on her paper all day, and then we have Josephine's 9th Annual Holiday Party in the evening. Abuela is decorating their tree with Natasia and Robyn, tonight, too.

William said, "ABCD" last night for the first time. I was very impressed.

440. Under The Table

William is doing imaginative play--he took our Chinese restaurant calendar and said, "map" and I said, "where's the treasure?" and he pointed to a place on the map. He calls Andrew "Cita," short for "Andrewcita", meaning little Andrew.

William woke up Saturday and said, "where's James?!" meaning his cast metal train from Thomas The Tank Engine. Of course we find every other one but that one. Salty? Percy Ice, Ghost Percy, Thomas, Mavis, Iron 'Arry, Iron Burt, Jack, Alfie, Fergus.

Andrew won't say "mama". He says "Aida" or something like that, and "Dada", but the closest he come is "anea" which I think is a derivation of "Mommy". William said "band aid," which he always wants for his soreness. It almost replaces the ubiquitous request for milk. He dislikes an partially full milk cup, but he rarely drinks the whole thing, and you can drain the milk supply quickly if you accede to his demands. Andrew said a close version to, "band aid," and he's getting closer and closer to speaking. He's 14 months, and William is 29 months.

William woke up today saying he wanted grandma. It was early, so I didn't wake up my mother, but later when he had the bunny (Rich's) she gave him I put him on the phone with her. He tried to talk. He's trying really hard to talk, but it's not quite flowing out of him. My mother said that she loves him.

Rich told me he thinks the boys are very polite and kind, and that we're doing a great job, which really made me feel good.

Abuela took Andrew to church so I could take William to swimming class while Diana worked on her paper today. William got into a weepy mood, didn't want to go to the park, and didn't want to go swimming. We had a nice afternoon together, but he got upset when I wouldn't give him a popsicle, and feel asleep under the table. Diana put him in bed when she came home.

439. Look mommy, I'm crying.

William climbed up the chain link wall at the playground. He drew with the chalk and then he says it's "thomas" or a "ghost". We went to get pizza and he fell asleep on the way back, and it was very hard to carry him. Luckily Natasia was with us to carry the pizza.

We skipped swimming because everyone is sick. They boys are clingy and weepy and sleepy.

When William is upset and trying to get something, he says, "look mommy, I'm crying."

438. Thanksgiving

My cold went to Andrew first. He didn't sleep well all week (neither
did we), until Friday when he slept till 11am! William had a terrible
night last night, and was weepy/upset quite easily today.

Our
Thanksgiving was good at Virginia and Tim's in New Jersey. We spent
Wednesday to Saturday there. So much more space for the boys to roam,
and they are kind and gracious hosts. Sorry we left such a mess.

Emma and AJ are getting christened today, congratulations to them. My poor grandmother Parks is in Newnan Hospital, I'm hoping she's going to be out soon.

Looking
at William's pictures he does not look always so happy. I'm getting a
few growling pictures. He's trying to reign in his urges to hit and
generally tantrum and I really respect the effort he's making. In a way
it makes me sad that he's got to master his will some because he's such
a sweet boy. He growls at Andrew sometimes, like I've growled at him.
What I do doubles back at me, parenthood can be a cruel mirror. But
it's also a good mirror, because he does have sweetness and kindness
too. He's become afraid of sharks and bugs and ghosts. His anger is
being projected out, and coming back to him, in these threats. I'm
working to help him to experience and feel his anger, but not act out,
and act in his best interest. To express it in more socially acceptable
ways.

I'm grateful to have such lovely boys, such a lovely wife,
such a lovely family, to have a job, co-op to live, my spiritual
community, my deeper friendships, to have found the teachings of the Buddha, to hear about his life, 2500 years later.

437. Kathy and Rich

We had a lovely visit from Kathy and Rich. They came in in the late afternoon on Friday, Rich up from a conference at Princeton, and Kathy from Chicago. The boys were thrilled to see them, and enjoyed the many presents they gave all of us. They gave the boys some great puzzle books, and some Lego.

Unfortunately I had a cold, and I went to bed early. I let Diana sleep in though, in the morning, and fixed Rich breakfast. Mom fixed dinner Friday night, and made some dishes Saturday. Rich and I took the boys to the park for a couple of hours. William says, "I want to go to the park," whenever I leave now.

I took a long nap in the afternoon, feeling quite under the weather. Aida came over, bringing they boys the DVD of Cars. We went out to dinner with Virginia and Tim. Thanks to Aida for watching the boys. Natasia was with her father Harry, so she wasn't there.

Saturday it wasn't long before I took Kathy and Rich to the airport. I think the boys had a splendid visit with their grandparents. They were exhausted Sunday night. Mia came over and played for a couple of hours. When William started crying like he only cries when he's really exhausted, we took Mia home. William wanted to go "home" with her. Mia can be a bit rough, but she's basically a good girl, and I think it's so important for children to develop socially that I want her over as much as possible. I was trying to rest on the bed, and they all climbed up on the bed to hinder my resting. Nevertheless it was a nice visit from Mia and William was unhappy to see her go. Andrew is sometimes left out of their fun, but he's a jovial fellow anyway.

436. Toot toot!

William puts his head down, and pretends to count. You can distinctly hear "two" but the rest of the numbers are a garble. Then he runs around, not really looking for a hiding place and runs all over the place.

They use the end table and a launching pad for their jumps onto the couch. I think with the lamps broken, we could get rid o the end tables.

Andrew goes "toot toot", and it's really cute. I was doing some yoga yesterday and they were climbing all over me like a jungle gym.

I came home last night, and my entry into the apartment led Diana to finally check out in a nap. She slept fitfully through the noise, and got some rest. I let her sleep in, and got up in the night when Andrew cried. She's been a trooper all week, but it's hard for me to imagine sleeping less and functioning. We're both at the end of our ropes with sleep and demands on our time.

344. New camera

Andrew is cute when he tries to jump like William. He squats down, moves upwards, and does not leave the ground. Maybe a leg lifts off, but he definitely doesn't get air, and if he does, it's very low, and he almost wipes out from the almost no air that he does get. It's very cute though.

We didn't do the swimming class last weekend, the boys had cold, and we didn't want them to get more sick, or pass their cold to others. It's been a stressful week because Diana has 2 school projects due. Wednesday Andrew woke up at 4:30 and I got up. This morning both of them got up at 6 and didn't go back to bed.

Emma and Abuala were here today when I got home. Harry came to pick up Emma, and Abuela left.

We've gotten a camera to replace the lost one. Diana bought a camera for her mother as a present on her trip to Europe, but she didn't give it to her in time, and so she decided to give it to us. So more photos coming in the future.

434. Halloween

Monday morning I had 2 lovely hours with Andrew before I went to work, playing and just enjoying his pure positive spirit. Tuesday I only had an hour with Andrew and his wonderfulness. Wednesday I had the joy of both Andrew and William. Thursday I had some Andrew and then some William. Something shifted in my mindfulness retreat and I've been able to be more present with the boys.

Halloween was good. William was Pablo and Andrew was a pumpkin. Natasia was a pirate, Aida a mouse. Natasia's cousins were a skeleton and a Power Ranger.

I love the immigrants in our neighborhood, they seem to enter into the spirit of Halloween more than others.

I'm going on a shorter retreat Friday to Saturday. It's good because I'll have Sunday with the boys.

I've connected with my cousin Katie, via e-mail, who's a freshman at Utah, which is lovely. I want to be connected to family.

432. Miscellaneous notes

Miscellaneous notes: They've broken both lamps in the living room in their climbing adventures. Andrew's little scab is almost gone, from his fall recently. Nobody returned the camera, so this part of their well documented life will not include photos. Abuela came back from her vacation today. Di is in Australia. Cliff is working very hard, not avoiding us. The boys have been sleeping terribly this week, it's been a real trial.

I've been listening to Harry Chapin's Cat's Cradle song to help remind me that some of my negative behaviors will come back to me later, to help focus me on being more pure around the boys. I also like Heather Headley's song He Is focuses me on some of my ideals about being a husband.

431. Sweet Natasia

William looked at my book and said, "I see Buddha." I was impressed. A little before that he asked for a kiss and a hug for the first time with me.

We had the second swimming lessons. Andrew didn't get in the water, he continues to not like it. William was doing all kinds of things. I was the support, Diana was in the water this time.

Diana lost the diaper bag, with our camera, her passport, and other important things. Nobody found it, and as yet, no good samaritan has returned it.

Aida left Natasia here when they all went out, and Natasia was a big help watching the boys. She's such a sweetie pie.

430. Mahwah

Congratulations to Benjamin Parks, my cousin, on his wedding. Reports are that it was a lovely wedding. I couldn't find any wed announcements yet.

We drove to North Haldon New Jersey last night where Virginia lives with her husband Tim. We picked up Natasia. Tim and Virginia are thinking of moving to Mahwah New Jersey. The boys fell asleep in the car. Andrew woke up for a little while, but went to sleep.

429. Raspberries

Andrew fell yesterday coming in from the park, when he was with Paquita, and he got some nice raspberries on his forehead and eye brow. When I came home last night and saw that I had a terrible sinking feeling, but quickly I was sure he was all right, and Paquita is nothing but responsible. She's been under the weather and has still come the past several days. She's feeling better, and I'm sure she feels pretty awful about it. Andrew seems no worse for the wear, and heals quickly.

Andrew is in the phase where he likes to hand things to you and throw things. In the crib he could toss things out of it for hours.

William on the other hand, wants to play with his Thomas The Tank Engine trains all day, and does not so much like interference from his little brother. He can get quite anguished at times, and some meditating between the two is required. I'm trying to teach William to hand Andrew a trivial train. I mean trivial in his mind. Andrew does not so much care which train he puts into his hands, and will quite happily hand it back. William could finesse it, but he gets upset, and loses balance. Quite normal of course.

No more baseball to prevent William from getting his way on the TV. Last night the Mets lost game 7 of the NLCS to the Cardinals. William says, "daddy," over and over, and asks for Thomas or Caillou, because he wants some children's programing on TV, the second is the name a little boy in a cartoon that is bald, and Diana thought William looked like him when he got his head shaved. I think he needs another hair cut, but I don't think I'm going to be trusted to give him one any more. Andrew looks like a hippy with his long hair, not unpleasantly so, but I still go for the short hair thing. I don't want to upset Diana, though, my poor embattled hard working wife, who has lots of class work, and work work. She says she got 3 hours sleep last night, she had to stay up and write lesson plans. Yeesh.

Andrew ate my tortellini with pesto sauce last night. He's ripping wicked farts with the switch from formula to soy milk. He's lactose intolerant.

This weekend is Ava and Christian's birthday parties, two parties for two sweet little mites. Sunday Diana is getting some much needed study time, and we're back to the swimming lessons after the YMJA resumes after the holidays.

428. Sex Offenders Map

Here's a map of the residences of sex offenders living near us.

427. Fall

Virginia bought William a Thomas The Tank Engine bed. We're going to take his old one over to her house. I took the boys to the park yesterday. It's a lovely fall day and Diana more than deserves space and breaks. Virginia and Tim stopped by. Virginia has the quaint habit of stopping by before most trips. They were giddy with excitement of time off and time together. Sympathetic joy to them. William and Andrew played havoc with Diana's attempt to construct a bookshelf she bought to help organize the house better. We got the boys to sleep by 10, but it was a dog fight that began at 9. Yeesh.

427. No swimming

William went to the park with Mia on Saturday. Daniella has a nice apartment, I went up to get Mia. I was surprised that she hadn't given birth yet, she's been 4 cm dilated for the longest time. Now she's 5. They're not going to induce her until a week from Monday if she doesn't have the baby. I wanted to give her a break from Mia, and William likes her. Mia can be a little rough at times, but I think she's grand. They played at the park on the big swings for a while. The slides are fun, Mia likes to go down backwards on her back. They were throwing acorns down the slide. A fellow came along to join them, and they were yelling "NO!" to him. I made them include him and be nice to him. The little boy didn't speak, and his grandmother only spoke Russian to him. Mia kept saying "coconuts" and it took me a while to figure out she meant "acorns".

Then she had to go to the bathroom, so we went home. Daniella called me just as we got there, she wanted Mia back to go visit relatives. She promised to join up with us for a party that night. There was a kid's party for 4pm. Diana didn't go till after 7. Before that they went to Jamaica to go shopping, with Aida and Natasia. They came back briefly and then went out.

Paul came over and we watched the Mets. Around the 6th inning my eye lids were drooping, and Paul mercifully took my leave. He worries he's getting in the way by coming over. I worry guests won't like to visit because of my divided attention, and my inability to keep awake past 10.

Diana reports William really like the aquarium the little girl had. They also took him to Janet's 41st birthday party, but they fell asleep in the car, and ended up sleeping on the bed with all the other kids who were there past their bedtimes.

Sunday they slept past 9, and that meant with Saturday, I'd had a lot of free time to read this weekend. We went to swimming lessons, but it's closed this weekend and next--opse. So we went to Target. William got a replacement James, plus Iron 'Arry and Iron Bert, Thomas, Alfie, Mavis and Jack, plus with a DVD he got a ice Percy and the Winter Caboose. He's very happy with these additions, and tries to horde them from Andrew, who gives them back quite readily, but also throws them.

We lost William temporarily when I had Andrew and assumed Diana would take William. She assumed the same about me. He had a toy shopping cart, which he was pushing all over, and when we found him he was fine, he was just pushing the cart around. Diana was pretty upset we lost him. The idea that someone could kidnap him flashed through my mind, but you know, that's pretty rare, and once we found him I was more embarrassed that he'd gotten away, than worried. Andrew doesn't want anything, he didn't pick out any toys. I feel bad everything is for William but in Andrew's mind, I think everything is his, so we're all right for now.

We came home, and the boys fell asleep. I laid down and Diana went to a movie. I thought she was just going for a movie, but she was gone for a while. Turns out the movie she went for, she missed, and went other places. She's certainly entitled to time away from the boys, but I wish she'd communicate to help me with my expectations. I've got to focus on my communication and efforts. So the boys rampaged around the apartment till Diana got home, and then I went to bed. William tried to go to sleep with me, but gave up. Diana has today off, but I have to work. A nice weekend. I'm away next weekend on retreat. I'm going to miss the family.

426. One Year Doctor's Appointment

Andrew had his year doctor's appointment. He weighs 23.5 lbs. I couldn't find in the blog where William was weighed at 1. It should be April 2005, but I don't see it in a couple tries. Of course I can't really sit at the computer any more. The doctor gave him 3 shots. He says he's lactose intolerant or whatever, and we should switch him to soy milk from the formula, which will be considerably cheaper. I'm kind of glad he's not going to take bovine source milk. I myself like soy milk. The doctor said he's not going to have trouble with the shots, but he was a bit clingy the past few days.

It's been a stressful week. When I loose it a little and raise my voice in frustration, I just think, "they're internalizing the bad object." Yeesh. Grunty, Grunticus, Terradactyl is a bit of a babyzilla. He smashes plates of food, he grabs books out of our hands, he climbs over my body using his tough little toes to get painful toe holds.

William struggles with it, too. He tries to put his Thomas trains places where Grunty can't get, but Grunty is a plucky tough little thing, he can get everywhere. We often find him precariously in the window sill in his room, not the one with the soft couch to fall on.

Tuesday, Zane's last day, we spent a long time in the park. Mia was there, and Daniella, who began to get severe contractions. She called her mother, but later when I saw her, she was back from the hospital.

Paquita is doing a good job, or "Kita" as William calls her.

Thursday night, my night with the boys with Diana in class till late, I played the boys a lot of music. Grant Green, Kind of Blue by Miles Davis, some hip hop and some Alison Krauss.

Last weekend I saw some leaves changing color. Grunty's birthday was officially autumn.

425. Andres turned one

Andrew turned one on Saturday! The family had a big party to celebrate at Virginia and Tim's in New Jersey. In attendance were Abuela and Abuelo, Aida, Robyn, Natasia, Harry, Angie, AJ, Emma, Jose Antonio and wife and newborn daughter Arianna, Jessica, Jacky, Zolt, Nicole, Christian, Josephine, Ava, her sister, and her daughter Jillian. Poor Diana who is overwhelmed with motherhood, work, marriage, didn't get the invitations into the mail--they sat in her backpack until it was too late, so it was just family, but that was more than enough. The party is a family event in a way. There was cake, and a pinata. Abuela cooked perniel. Thank you to everyone who helped out and attended.

Zane came the Thrusday before. He's been a huge help, he's totally focused on the boys, you can tell how much he loves them. Pauquita still came Thursday and Friday, I didn't want him to be overloaded. He got to see the speech therapist at work with William. And Paquita came with us to the aquarium, we needed her help.

Monday we went to the aquarium, and then William dipped his feet in the Atlantic ocean for the first time at Coney Island. Andrew and William wanted me to carry them, making Paquita and Zane helpless to help me with their demands. They actually helped a lot. Andrew didn't like the loud public address system in the sea lion show, so I walked him around. We had lunch there, and toured all the exhibits. I have a great picture of William running away from a sea lion because he was scared. Andrew fell asleep, and I took William down to the water at the beach.

Zane leaves today.

424. Long Time No Write

It's been overwhelming with Diana going back to work, hard to write. Andrew has gotten his 5th and 6th tooth, and a skin rash. William and Andrew had their first swimming lesson today. Monday Paquita comes to take care of William and Andrew, the era of Paquita begins.

I enjoy Thursday nights with the boys. Diana has class Tuesday and Thursday. Aida is going to watch the boys Tuesday so I can go to sangha night.

Last Sunday was Harry and Angie's wedding. William was dancing with Delilah. I went home after 4 hours because I had stomach trouble. It was a lovely wedding, even though Harry left Aida and Natasia about 9 years ago to be with Angie, I see that as water under the bridge. Harry and Angie have 2 children together, and AJ is one of William's favorites. I think it's better to get married, and then have children. I think that works best, but I realize that the world is imperfect, things often don't go off in the best way.

423. Diversity and Limits

I love the diversity of our neighborhood. At the park today, we were closer to the Jewish section of Main Street Flushing, so there were some Jewish kids, which is quite a diverse thing in itself, from the religious orthodox Jews of Europe or the Middle East. But there was also a woman with a French accent, and an Asian man. The other day in Vliegh Park there was a Muslim woman with the complete hidden body thing, with only the eye slits. There was also a white woman with an indeterminate European accent with mulatto children. Many Indian (not Native American) and Hispanic and WASPs like me. Many varieties of traditional cultures from all over the world, and less traditional people like me, who love it all but can't really cling to my own culture. I have found a different religion, have merged with a different culture. I love the diversity of New York City. I find it really vibrant and alive. I know some people feel best when there's a tight community of similar values. I'm sure I would love that, but where am I going to find a Wasp/European/Hispanic hybrid Buddhist community? I want diversity and tolerance of difference. Not idiot tolerance, not unlimited permissivism. I still wish ethical, family oriented, and tending towards high culture instead of monster truck rallies, but I have room for that too. I like the racially mixed couple upstairs, the Hispanic woman with the Catholic white man upstairs, the Philippine families. It is a rich and hearty broth.

William got one time out for marginally provoking, and not diffusing a conflict with a little girl. William has gotten into a few shouting matches with other little kids. Also no pushing. I remember Wes saying on our week long visit, "ah he finally said no to William." William is getting a lot of no's, I want him to get some yeses too. Andrew gets no's too, about climbing into the window sill in his room, about climbing up onto the computer chair. I do believe in limits and teaching children to be civilized and easily integrated into the group without causing lots of troubles.

422. Thomas The Tank Engine

When I first saw Thomas The Tank Engine, I thought it was weird, preposterous. As the Wikipedia article mentions, it has subanthropomorphism.

But a few thousand hours later of DVD and video watching, I've found the tales to be quite good. And when William gets a fad, he gets a fad, there's not stopping him. Here are some of his favorite web sites:

Official Site

Riley and Drew's Site

Drew's site

421. Back to work

Diana went to work a little while on Monday and back to work full time on Thursday. The boys have a cold, and so they're whiney and winge, but they have a kind of unnamable discontent with their mother away. William is more conscious of it, and he sees Abuela as the absence of his parents. Andrew enjoys playing with Abuela, and does not seem to be as traumatized by it. Aunt Di visited this week too, with her kindness and goodwill.

420. Chop chop

Aida, the godmother, called Andrew, "An-drool". He's got his 4th tooth coming in. Aida taught William to say, "chop chop," meaning hurry up. He also says, "nope," instead of "no" sometimes.

They took the boys to the Putnum County Fair. Virginia drove, Aida and Diana. Robyn and Natasia joined them.

Over the weekend I came to the realization that William is not always guilty when Andrew is crying and Andrew can be demanding, a babyzilla at times, and William is just trying to defend his space.

Sunday they went to Chucky Cheese to celebrate Joseph's birthday. Diana reports that William was very good at sharing.

We got William to go to bed at 8, but he got up at 6:30, so I think the optimal amount of sleep for him is 10.5 hours.

I took William to the park on Monday. I feel the seasons changing, it's darker and it's getting cooler. It was hard to say goodbye for work Monday morning after 9 days with the boys. I felt refreshed at work. Spending time with the family is very important to me.

Saturday morning William said, "bus" in his sleep. I read in some weekly news magazine an article about dreams, and it asserted that children don't dream like adults until they are 7. I'm not sure if that's true. William seems to dream.

William also gets time out. He's learning the lessons no hitting, not pushing and no throwing (we'll work on the exceptions to that later).

Aida and Natasia slept over, and the boys slept till 9 and 9;30.Aida, the godmother, called Andrew, "An-drool". He's got his 4th tooth coming in. Aida taught William to say, "chop chop," meaning hurry up. He also says, "nope," instead of "no" sometimes.

They took the boys to the Putnum County Fair. Virginia drove, Aida and Diana. Robyn and Natasia joined them.

Over the weekend I came to the realization that William is not always guilty when Andrew is crying and Andrew can be demanding, a babyzilla at times, and William is just trying to defend his space.

Sunday they went to Chucky Cheese to celebrate Joseph's birthday. Diana reports that William was very good at sharing.

We got William to go to bed at 8, but he got up at 6:30, so I think the optimal amount of sleep for him is 10.5 hours.

I took William to the park on Monday. I feel the seasons changing, it's darker and it's getting cooler. It was hard to say goodbye for work Monday morning after 9 days with the boys. I felt refreshed at work. Spending time with the family is very important to me.

Saturday morning William said, "bus" in his sleep. I read in some weekly news magazine an article about dreams, and it asserted that children don't dream like adults until they are 7. I'm not sure if that's true. William seems to dream.

William also gets time out. He's learning the lessons no hitting, not pushing and no throwing (we'll work on the exceptions to that later).

Aida and Natasia slept over, and the boys slept till 9 and 9;30.

419. Mia

Mia came over for the first time with her mother. Mia is Daniella's daughter, one of our neighbors. She's Argentinean and her husband is Israeli. Mia turned 3 the other day, so she's got an 8 month lead on William. They played and fought. When Mia was upset she said, "I don't love you any more." William was just as hot and cold as she was, but they ended amicably, saying goodbye to each other. Mia was potty trained around 2 because her mother had floor that wasn't a carpet, and she just let her figure it out. She still has accidents though, and she's regressed some her mother reports because of the impending birth of David, who is due around Andrew's first birthday. I'd wanted to go to Harriman, but Diana wasn't into it, and after the visit they said it was too late. Diana, William, Andrew, Aida and Natasia went shopping and they didn't get home till late.

418. Bronx Zoo

Bronx Zoo is here.

The zoo was marvelous. I enjoyed the gorilla, the tigers, the nocturnal building, the whole thing. The children's zoo allowed you to pet and feed some of the animals. I think William enjoyed it.

417. Staten Island Children's Museum

We live in Kew Garden Hills. There's a museum in Staten Island for children. Here is our route.

Turns out the museum is part of the Snug Harbor Cultural Center. We had some difficulty locating the right place, but once we got close we could see some children's type play equipment.

The museum was good. There was walk in clay workshop, an insect exhibit, dog exhibit, a fire engine with little outfits you could put on, and an adventurer exhibit. We played outside in the boat park. It was a good day.

416. Flushing

I took William to the park, and then later to Flushing. We went to the library and got some DVDs and some books. DVDs: Winnie The Pooh, and DVDs of some of the books he has. Books: one on Charlie Parker, some Dr. Seus, and a subway mouse book, plus a baby faces book for Andrew. He was rambling around, I was trying to pick out books, and then I got a phone call from Diana and then a guard was telling me that I couldn't use the phone in the library. In the line to check out books and DVDs, I couldn't control William, and he was running all around. He met a little fellow who he began to run around with and they were OK until they went too far afield, and they almost went outside. The mother of the little boy shrieked and got her son, and William followed. When we left William said bye bye. Then we went for a walk around interesting Flushing. William got tired, we took the bus home, and he fell asleep in my arms, and I had to lug him home. He slept for a few hours, and I got to read. When Diana came home, with Andrew, I left for my Dharma group. Aida and Natasia came over.

415. Diana's day out

Diana left around 9:30 a.m. and came home around 8:30 p.m. It was an exciting day mostly alone with my boys. I have fear about being alone with them, there's nothing like the safety net of another person. It helps so you can do things, like blog. The boys loved my absolute attention, I didn't do anything for myself, except go to the bathroom, and eat. And I suppose I had a few private thoughts.

Instead of TV, I turned on Baroque music. Some professor at St. John's who come to my former school reported that Baroque music has a beat that is conducive to studying, but that the Mozart effect is bogus. Anyway, I didn't want TV and the music helps. In the end I turn on the TV out of exhaustion, but I resist it.

William played with lego, and the letter foam flooring Cliff and Vava got him. He plays with his cars and the straight race car track I got him. They wrestle a little bit. William can be a little rough, and I think Andrew will start to cry, but he laughs. That's the guide, the sounds of Andrew. I went into a kind of manic mode, and I was cleaning and organizing and doing the dishes. That kind of energy is not sustainable, but I'm doing it one day. I've recently been experimenting with leaving nothing in the tank, and seeing if I can function the next day. I usually can.

Shani came, she's the speech therapist. The took William into the room even though he didn't want to leave me. I had some good time with Andrew. I can see how this really helps the family.

Then after a while, William was begging me for a Thomas The Tank Engine DVD. I really like that show, it's pretty good, I think it inculcates good values. I like to figure out if I can identify the different engines. I find the language. "He caused confusion and delay," that being the worst that happens.

And one point, William said, "park". So I said, "when you clean up the lego." He cleaned for a second and then got distracted by the TV. Then he remembered, and cleaned up. He did a good job. So we went to the park, but not before we went to the post office and got some lovely books my mother sent for William and Andrew. At the park it was hard because I was more strict with William leaving the park. He likes to go where he wants to go, but with Andrew there, I need him to stay in the park. Andrew was having fun running in the big puddle, and even going into the fountain. William wanted me to get him the "juice" that another kid had, but I wouldn't. He hung out a little with a kind of family and even shared his Thomas The Tank Engine wooden toy, and he also has a Scooby Doo Mystery Machine van, matchbox car. These are his two constant companions. He wouldn't even put them down to climb. We got into the routine of putting the cars into the stroller so he can climb, but he's gone back to resisting that. I guess I need to get a little strict about that. William found a cute little curly haired girl who talked and made him laugh, and we went on the swings together. Then as soon as it happened, William walked away. He wanted to leave the park again, and cried on the cement. He was upset but I had 2 boys, and we needed to stay together. We went down onto the ball field. William wanted to go across it, and so I ran off and got the stroller quickly. Some muslim women went over when they were alone for a second, one picked up Andrew and handed him to me.

While we were waiting for Chinese food I went to the dollar store and got them some inexpensive trucks, and a tractor. It was hard to keep them quiet while we waited for the food upon our return, but we got out of there, back home, and ate some. Soon the boys were tired, and William fell asleep. Andrew had just fallen asleep when Diana came home. Whew! What a day.

414. Natasia is 9

Great Aunt Maggie passed away last Friday. She is grandma Parks' sister. My father, Zane, was very much attached to her, as well as my grandmother. William and Andrew never got to meet her, but I did, and I thought she was lovely. She had a straight talking way about her, she called a spade a spade. She wasn't stuffy or had pretense, she had what I call a cut through the nonsense kind of attitude that I find quite refreshing. She had a certain kind of clarity which is all too rare.

Last night we had Natasia's birthday party. This early August event is the highlight of our summer, with the collection of family and friends to celebrate this most precious birth. Natasia is a bright, beautiful wonderful 9 year old girl. She helps us out a lot. We have a special connection with her because when Harry left Aida, she moved in with us, and we lived with her for a while. I learned many important lessons about children from Natasia that helps me with my own two precious sons. And I am still learning.

Diana cried because I got William and myself a buzz cut, a very short, close to the head hair cut. They will grow back soon, but the short hair really upsets her. Vava pointed out that I have a short memory, I should have anticipated this, but it's not that easy for me. I got William a hair cut that wasn't a buzz cut, and she was equally upset. I'm not sure what kind of hair cut she expects. She was even more mad that I got a short hair cut.

The party was well attended, and Will and Drew fell asleep right as they were cutting the cake. They woke up during the hullaballoo of the two pinata. Daniella and her daughter Mia were there. Her son David is in her belly and should be coming out within a month. She's a full of life woman from Argentina, and her husband is Israeli. Cliff and Vava came. They said when they handed Natasia her present she mechanically went to the window and added it to the pile of presents she had. Josephine, Michael, Evan and Ava came. I mispronounce Ava's name, I pronounced it /Aiva/. Vava pointed out my mistake, Josephine and Michael thought I was doing it on purpose, so they never corrected me. Tim came late because of work. Bill came late. The party was supposed to start at 1, but it didn't really start until 4. It was nice to see Robyn, Evelyn, and David and Jessica. Much of Aida's family was there, those strong boys. The boys woke up, and I took William home, as I was exhausted.

In the morning before the party, I took William to get my car from Vajramati, whom I lent it to. The car had developed problems, and I barely got it home, it was quite tense, mostly because I didn't want to be on the side of the road with William. It needs a new water pump and some hoses, an oil change, and hopefully not more work, we'll find out today.

413. Mets

I took Diana, William, Andrew, Natasia, Cliff and Vava to the Mets game last night, with the home. This was William's second game, and he seemed to take more and more in. This was Andrew's first game. He was attracted by the lights, the noise, and his insatiable desire to move. This was Natasia's second game, I thought I heard her say. She seemed to have fun. This was Cliff's second game, first of adulthood. He joked it was his patriotic duty. He focused on the hotdogs and beer, which he greatly enjoyed. I enjoyed seeing Piazza, the great Mets catcher, hit two home runs, and yet the Mets still winning. The first homer was an opposite field shot. One shot was to the warning track, but our hundred million dollar man tracked it down. Cliff was amazed at the salaries the players make. I showed my kids off to some in the home and helped out a little bit. I gave someone their glasses they forgot. I hope everyone had a good time, I know I did. I got some good pictures I'll be sharing on snapfish with those I usually share it with. Cliff suggested I get photos for my blog, but I don't know when I'll have time to figure that out. Maybe on my week off. I have off from Friday at 5 p.m. August 11th, to Monday morning at 9a.m. August 21st. I'm looking forward to that!

412. Will and Bart Visit

Bart and Will came over last night. We had some Chinese food and talked. Will had a kind of sumer internship in Alaska doing archaeological stuff. Bart was scooping ice creme until he got an internship at some agency that hooks the elderly up with home help. They seemed well. They go off for their second year of college soon.

Then we entered the fray of 7 children (Andrew, William, Emma, Mateo, Jaquan, AJ, Venus). I wasn't awake when Aida and Natasia came, that takes us up to 8 children. The other day Alex called, and laughingly said, "how do you like 8 children in your house?" Of course I'm overwhelmed. I go to bed early. But I also think Andrew and William are enriched by being with others. As I am. We put in a Backyardigans CD and some of the kids danced. I'm greatful Will and Bart treked all the way out here. It means a lot to me.

And then the next day, when the neighbor brought over Junior, there were 9! Diana sure likes children.

411. Happy

I woke up exhausted, even though I'd slept in to 6:40. Andrew woke up at 7, and went back to sleep and woke up again later. William and Diana were still sleeping and he kept going into the room to wake them up, so I took him for a walk outside. He was interested in a little boy behind us, so I stopped so he could look. The woman quizzed me about his age, and said her son was 9 months. She said he looked tired. When I came home, William wanted to go out. So I rested a little, and then took him out to the park. Aminta, Steven and his Abuela were there. Steven lent William some paper and pencil and made a plane, and chased him around. Aminta shared their water with William. Aminta thinks he said his name. William, despite our many efforts, does not say his name. While William was playing in the sand a fly bit him, and he was upset. So we headed out. He likes to swing by the corner where a bunch of cars are, so we went two blocks out of the way home. Walking home, he said, "pizza" and dragged me to the place that Cliff says has the worst pizza he ever tasted. It's so nice to have a friend who lives near by and likes to hang out with children, who is flexible and understands my circumstances. I'm greedy, I don't want him to move away, even though I'm sure he will. So we got a small pizza, and came home. Andrew was still asleep and we watched some of Charlotte's Web, with it's vegetarian subtext. I got to be rather drowsy after Andrew woke up, and Diana said, "go lay down." I slept for 3 hours and had a Buddhist retreat dream. When I came out, William was saying, "shoes," which means, lets put them on and go out. So we did. We went to the park again. He came to like a Jewish woman with 4 children, and followed her around. The ice creme trunk came, and William got a vanilla cone. I would occasionally lick up the melting part so it didn't drip so much, and wipe off his mouth. We played with the water fountains, and William walked across the ball fields. I half protect him and look out for flying balls, and half try to steer him away from danger. As I nudge him off the playing field he says, "hey," in an aggrieved tone. So we got some sesame noodles at King Wok, and came home the long way, exploring every nook and cranny to run his cars and trains along, he goes up the cement stairs that lead to nowhere and various excursions. When we got home, Andrew was glad to see me, and raises his arms and demands to be picked up. I watched Bill Moyers Faith and Reason, with Pema Chodron. I got some pictures of him standing next to her face on the TV. I'm not sure why I like taking photos of him next to the rupa or in this case Pema, but I do. I suppose it's the same reason my grandparents had a photo where William has his hands together in a kind of prayer. It's a kind of hopeful for shadowing. Buddhism works for me, but I hope to respect what my children decide is for them, what works best for them. I would like to expose them to some teachings, but in no way am I interested in brain washing them or indoctrinating them. I suppose my vision of the world guides me, and I can't but help to pass that along. William and Andrew took a bath, and William is all toweled off, and say, "happy."

410. A night out

Diana and I celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary with the help of Virginia who came over and watched our precious boys. We had a lovely dinner, and went to a movie, my second at the movie theaters since William was born. I think my first since Andrew was born. It's so good to be with my wife, alone. It was a precious evening.

The boys had not napped before we left, so they went for a walk and fell asleep. I called while we were about to watch the movie. But when we got home their bedroom light was on, so that meant they were both up.

William likes to go to bed when I do now, or at least try and if he doesn't fall asleep fast, then he just goes out into the living room with Diana. Soon we're going to begin to try and shape a sleeping patter that will be complementary to Diana going back to work soon. She's already getting anxious about it.

Friday we met Cliff and Vava at the Vleigh Park. They are very kind to hang out with us. We got some Chinese food, and came home. The boys fell asleep and we watched what turned out to be a very interesting movie for me, K-Pac.

Today is AJ's birthday party, it might even be his birthday. Happy Birthday AJ. William often says, apropos of nothing, "AJ and Emma."

Friday morning William woke up early. Thursday morning Andrew woke up early. It's like they're taking turns. I feel their need for me, their desire to be around me, and I am greatly touched by it. I must be there for them.

409. Diana's Day Care

The boys are growing up fast. If you cling to it, it slips from your grasp, for they are constantly changing. Grunty got an upper tooth. He and Joyti run around, chasing each other, and laugh and laugh. They wrestle with each other, and you have to be careful so that William doesn't crush Shantikara, the peace maker. Andrew come to the bed now and raises his harms and grunts so that I pick him up. He loved my bed table, and likes to mess it up, grab the lamp. William has come to be manipulative and willful. He will eat crap all evening if we let him. He will watch his DVDs all day if we let him. Diana baby sit two of Aida's nephews, and yesterday Diana baby sat one of the neighbor children. It's a regular child care center here. I went to bed early Tuesday night because the virus that began with Diana and went through the family hit me. I'm on the rebound, though the nose can be snot filled at times, and everyone still is prone to coughing fits. Diana didn't charge Aida's sister. I'm not sure she'll charge the neighbor. Turns out we're going to Harry and Angie's wedding, they invited all of us, William and Andrew included, so we're going. Lots of silly family politics and whatnot. I hope we're in harmony now.