221. Synch

Diana and William have really gotten into synch during her midwinter recess. This morning she said, "he's tired," she snatched him up, fed him a bottle, and he's been out for a while now. He took a 2 hour nap, she napped with him for an hour.

Later we took the family shower. Diana turned the shower on, and William insisted on going into the bathroom. He loves water. Diana brings him in when I take my shower in the morning on work days. I kiss the shower door, where his face is. He puts his hand on it, and I put my hand on it. But he was banging on the door, and Diana didn't mind a family shower. She washes herself. We join. We wash William. She goes out and gets dressed, and I hold him. She takes him, and then I get to wash myself, while she slathers him in some kind of baby lotion, and dresses him as much as he will let her. He takes to flailing at a certain point, and Diana puts him in the crib to dress him. He begun to fight diapering.

Bill took some great photos at his party, and sent them to me. Virginia said they look like they were done professionally.

I went over to Diana's mother's with them. I promptly fell asleep, amongst the chatter of visitors. The Beltrans were there, then Judy and Brian came. Supposedly Harry was coming over with his 4. William is most happy around the the family, it is a blessing. For me, it meant much needed sleep. For Diana it means support, connection, laundry. For William it means getting to know his relatives, their friends, hearing Spanish spoken, seeing children closer to his age. Human contact is good, I hope he's not as introverted as me.

220. Almost Ticket

William has moved up from size 4 diaper to size 5 diaper. I took William for a walk in the afternoon. Then I gave him a bath. He fell asleep in Diana's arms, and then I held him for a while. He's gotten very attached to Diana with her week off. I drove them over to the grandparents. Emma was there, with her 8 teeth. Hah! But she does not walk. Emma was trying to grab him, and William was pushing her away. Cops came, and I almost got a ticket, but Harry said, "I'm on the job...my brother in law is retarded." That got me off.

219. Socializing

William has a new found attitude to go along with his new found abilities. He likes to play with the TV nobs, turn the TV off and on. If you take him away from it, he can kick up a fuss. He's starting to get an attitude. He was swinging at Aida on Thursday. He pitches a fit if you stop him from turning on and off the TV. We were enjoying Spiderman 2, which Paul, his godfather, lent us, Thursday night, and he kept at the TV. Friday night at Bill's he disliked it when we wouldn't let him walk into the fire place, in their beautiful house.

Friday was a social day for William. He went into Manhattan and visited Virginia's office. Everyone thought he was adorable. One guy there has William's wild hair as his desktop. At the deli downstairs, where Virginia is known, they thought William was her own. She's the proud auntie of a large brood, for Natasia and Robyn were along too. They went back to Aida's for more time with the lovely ladies.

Then in the evening we took him to Bill and Suzanne's party in Port Washington. A hip party in a posh suburb, with delicious foods, interesting graphics on the TV, which was hooked up to the computer, and delightful music. Paul, the godfather was there. Another couple with a very tiny baby was there, and Diana got to compare notes with the mother. Others of Paul's group were there, and many interesting people I did not know. William charmed all as usual. He was very interested in the cat. I got pooped, and by 10 it was time to leave. An ending to William's highly social day. He seemed to enjoy it.

218. Just one

Diana got a sonogram today. Just one baby. Doing fine.

William was very huggy this morning. I think he was tired, and he's teething. He hugged Diana, and reached out for me. I held him and hugged him, and then he reached out for Diana.

He's also a squatter. He squats down and then can come back up without trouble. Quite impressive

217. Shaking me off

William shakes me off, he wants to walk on his own. There's no great day where he just gets up and walks. He gradually walks more and more independently. He gains confidence, and gets more skill, gradually.

He hasn't slept all day because Aida and Natasia were here. He also seems to be teething. He likes to pull anything down and put it on the ground: CDs, books.

He loves Natasia. She runs and jumps on the couch and laughs. He laughs and laughs, and you can see him yearning to join her.

216. Jibberish

I left William (and Diana and Aida) at Abuela's. They were all circled around him, amazed at what he was going to do next. Went shopping at Target and Baby's 'R Us. I was in the bathroom changing William, responding to the jibberish he was giving me. A guy said, "you should talk to him in words, I know because I talk to my dog in words and he understands." I didn't respond, but his basis of expertise was his experience with his dog?! And is it an either/or thing? Can't I do both? And what makes him think he has some right to comment? I do talk quite a lot to him, but I'm also mirroring what he says, in affect, approximating what he says. I'm hoping some day he will mirror what I do, and then he's hooked. I was ranting to Aida and Diana later. The nerve.

I stayed up with William till midnight last night, my eyes were closing. He was laying around with me, but wasn't going to sleep, so I took him to bed, and he saw Diana and started wiggling on her some. I did not mean to get her up, but she did not mind, I'd let her go to sleep. She's very kind about letting me go to sleep, but since she's gotten pregnant, she's been more tired. He slept with us some, but I was surprised to find he wasn't in bed with us when I woke up, hearing his cries from the other room. I think I'm the one who puts him in bed with us out of laziness, Diana is pretty good. I got up and let Diana sleep, though almost every bone in my body says I should stay in bed. I've been saying to myself, I'm going to be so tired when the next one comes, this will be nothing.

There's a Buddhist parable I was reading in Naghabodhi's book Jai Bhim!, which is an excellent book about the Buddhist revolution in India, instigated by Ambedkar's conversion, and his attempt to convert ex-Untouchables. A family was living in a terrible hovel. Ten people, no food, they were all wearing rags. They were very poor, life was intolerable. The father went to a guru and asked for advice. He said let a goat live with you for 30 days. So he got a goat. The goat ate their small food stores, made noises so they could not sleep, made the place smell filthy and even ate up their rags they wore for clothes. The father went back to the guru. My life is miserable, what kind of advice was that? The guru said that if he now got rid of the goat, his hovel would not seem so bad after all.

We walked him to KFC so Diana could grab a bite. He likes to eat ice, I think it helps with his teeth. I like getting outside with him, get some sunshine on his face. He's going to be so freaked out when it's summer time. I can't wait for the pools. Maybe it will be warm enough in New Mexico to swim when we go over spring break at the end of April. We're going to visit Di and Wes, at their place outside of Deming New Mexico, which is in south New Mexico. I'm excited, I haven't really been to that part of the country.

215. Ava Olivia

We came to Summit NJ to see Ava Olivia's baptism. There were lots of children, William is not old enough to take advantage of them being around, but he does like it. We went to a great restaurant to celebrate, and now we're at Josephine and Michael's. William took a nap and I napped on the floor near him. He's been enjoying himself.

214. 17 Steps

Error: William's head can not be 47.5 inches from entry number 206. I've lost the slip of paper where I wrote it down, so I don't know what it really is.

William took 17 independent steps yesterday, I'm not going to count any more. He can turn a little. He's still unsteady, and does not like to walk without hands, but he's getting better and better.

Diana brought William home yesterday and they were both exhausted. William slept for over an hour, and Diana fell asleep. She slept till almost 10. William was getting tired, but her waking up and joining us, energized him. He likes it when both of us are around. I eventually laid in bed, and he kept coming in. He goes to the garbage can, he wants what I'm drinking, he manhandles my book. I turned off the light, and he came in and I said goodnight to him. We need to begin a goodnight ritual.

I swear he says "gock" a lot. I talk to him a lot, and mirror what he is saying a lot.

He likes to squeeze through narrow places. The foot stool and the couch, the CD rack and the love seat.

213. Cute as ever.

Been so busy, going to sleep when he does, and not having time in the morning. I got to work a little early, so here are some notes. William bashed his lip on Tuesday, fell over on my watch. I felt terrible, but he was OK. Abuela reports he said "agua". KayLa helped us last night, Diana had parent teacher night. She has a cold, so I'm assuming we're all going to get it now. I think I'm fighting it. William is a cute as ever.

212. Momma

Diana left William in his room, surrounded by clothes. She stepped into the other room for a second, and when she came back, he had gotten into the hall way. He was standing up and he had traversed his room, past the bathroom, and into the hall. He had opened the bathroom door, which we've taken to closing, and was thinking about going in there, when she discovered him.

When Diana went to pick up William yesterday, Diana's mother said, "who is that?" when she opened the door. He said, "Mama."

211. No!

William ate some of the meat-loaf and mashed potatoes. I finished it up and he was upset. So I let him play with the Tupperware. He spread mashed potatoes all over himself. Diana woke up and commented. I said, "I've got to learn to say no." William said, "No!" We laughed.

Then William fell and bumped his head. Yesterday Diana felt so guilty because William fell off the bed. He's pretty tough. I fear the day he cries and cries, and then I'd know he was really hurt like I was when I fractured my skull, falling from a washing machine to the cement floor.

Diana has heart burn. Said just said, "I believe before the night is through I will throw up. She threw up yesterday. Everyone thinks it's going to be a girl, because Diana feels differently than last time. She's back to moaning when she sleeps.

210. Natasia Visit

William is eating soup with rice behind me. Natasia is watching cartoons in the couch sucking on a popsicle. William has lots of energy. He likes to walk around as much as he can. He really likes Natasia.

The past two nights he has gotten up. Last night at 2:40, the night before at 3:30. The time I found him at 3:30 he was standing up in the crib. He sucks down some milk, and then goes to sleep. When I lay him down he reaches out, but falls asleep. I've been very tired in the morning.

209. Park

Odds and ends: William woke up around 1. I prefer Noggin of all the TV channels, until 6 p.m., when it goes adolescent. I like the music of Laurie Berkner, too. They don't have any commercials. When he's cranky, weepy, I think it can teething sometimes.

We took him to the park. He walked around in the snow, looking down at his feet. He did not like the swing. But he warmed up to the place, and seeing kids running around made him excited. He liked watching Diana swing. We took him food shopping and then came home. He hit the pot with a spoon for quite a while. Diana got him dressed up and took him to Alba's.

208. Diner

I woke up from my nap, and Diana went out to a movie. William was at his Abuela's, so I went over there, and brought him back. First time I used the new stroller, seems good. A little different than the last one, there's a sort of bar in front. So from 7-11, I played with William, walking him around, and watching him play, keeping him out of trouble. We haven't baby proofed the house yet, because there's always got to be someone with him right now, so one, it's hard to get it done, and two, there's always someone with him to baby proof.

Sometimes I would try to make him walk. Sometimes he would want to do it, and sometimes he would refuse by just sitting down.

I think he swallowed an ice cube, and that made him weepy for a while, and then after that he was sort of wilted, and he finally fell asleep in my arms around 11. I put him in the crib, and he woke up later around midnight, and I held him and read in bed. Diana came home from her movie and put him in bed.

He woke up around 6, and I fed him the bottle and he went back to sleep quickly. Diana let me sleep till 10, but she reports she got up with him around 8.

We took him out to a diner. He sat in the chair and ate strawberries for a little while, but quickly he wanted to walk around the place. It wasn't bad, and everyone was sweet. I think breakfast is the best meal for him, at a restaurant, unless there are more people, for a while.

Diana doesn't like "Deuce" as a fetus name. She prefers "baby".

William fell asleep in the car ride home. It's such a nice day, we wanted to take him to the park. Maybe when he wakes up.

207. 7 Steps

William took about 7 steps on his own last night. Diana deserved the rest last night, so when she laid in bed, I turned off the light, and shut the door. William walked around, pulled books off the shelves, played with this and that. He kept moving. I thought he was ready to go to sleep, and turned off the light, but he did not want to and somehow he was crying a lot. I felt like such a failure not to be able to stop his crying, and I get really tense when he cries a lot. Unfortunately Diana woke up. I got up in the morning with him, and Diana got up a couple of hours later. Diana is out now with William and her parents shopping. The plan tonight is that she's going to go out to see a chick flick.

Everyone has been so wonderful with the congratulations and joy, it's been really wonderful.

What do I do about the blog? What about Deuce? Create a second blog for Deuce? Create a new blog for both of them? Create a blog about an overwhelmed father?

206. 6 Weeks Along

Diana is pregnant. She's 6 weeks along. We're expecting at the end of September. Very exciting news.

We had William's pediatrician appointment today, after Diana's gynecological appointment. We had the other doctor in the practice, for the first time. Diana likes him better than the other one, she thought he had a better manner.

He said William should start to use a sippy cup soon. When I asked him about William not crawling, he said movement was the most important thing. William does move a lot, and in fact he took 2 independent steps, and showed off his ability to stand independently. The doctor took blood from him. He watched and did not cry for a while, but when he realized he could not squirm out of it, he began to cry. And then when it finally registered, he cried with the one shot he gave him. William will get his next visit and shots after his first birthday. His head was 47.5 inches, which is in the 90th %tile, height was 30 inches in the 90th %tile, weight was 24.5 lbs., which is 95 %tile. He's the weight of a 15 month old, and he's 9.5 months old. Doctor said about his fussiness, that he's probably teething. Doctor's favorite teething item is a frozen bagel bit.

So what do I call the new birth sack I see in the sonogram? Sparka? Diana wants to name a girl Carmen Augustina. Carmen? Somehow I feel it is a girl, but I'd be just as happy with a boy. The doctor said Diana can still breast feed William. The gynecologist said it's better to wait 2 years for a VBAC delivery, so it's probably going to be another C-Section birth. Schedule the birth day. She asked if Diana wanted her tubes tied. Diana said no. It's all very exciting. My eyes are stinging so much I'm so tired.

205. Three Steps

William took 3 unaided steps. He was excited to walk towards my waving hand, and he took 3 unaided steps. Without shoes, in his pj's. Diana had a look of "I don't want to scream and scare him, but I'm amazed!" and, "Did you see it, did you see it!" I just saw him move toward me, I did not know it was on his own power unassisted.

William went to bed around 11 and woke up at 4. He drank 2 oz of milk and slept, but awoke when I put him in the crib. I went to bed with him, and returned him to the crib around 5

William likes to kick. He likes to walk with assistance, and kick something. A ball, a car, anything that will roll.

William put his hands in the snow today. He was walking outside, and he gingerly touched the snow. I made 3 little snow balls for him, but then he was distracted and we walked away.

William likes the movie Muppets Take Manhattan.

I came home Monday night and William was a little weepy, clingy. His face looks older, somehow.

204. First word controversy

Diana's mom, Abuela to William, thinks his first word was "teta", meaning he wanted the bottle.

Diana believes William has wailed for his "mama", and has said "hi" to her.

I believe the first word was "no", as stated in a previous entry on this blog.

Is there anyone else?

203. Forward motion.

Diana let me go to bed early, and Virginia slept with William, so I got a lovely night of sleep. I've forgotten that usually it's not the wonderful thing I imagine it to be, I have all kinds of nightmares and wake up rather confused.

William is his usually lovely self. Virginia had to move her photo screen into her study because William threatens to knock it over, break it. He took one photo out today, so it was moved. The further baby proofing of Virginia's house. Virginia is sweet, she has a nice place, which she had consulted an interior decorator, but she is very sweet and understanding about children. All it takes is a look in the drawers of the kids room, and you see all kinds of sizes of clothing, boys and girls.

William likes to take the long walks he can here. He's got a memory of it too, he keeps walking to the basement door and expects to go downstairs. He rushes to the fridge when it's open, he wants to examine the contents. Diana looks at the circulars and he wants to rip and wave them about. Virginia fixed us eggs for breakfast, and he wants to eat along, but we give him baby yogurt.

Virginia reports he woke up at 4, and she put the saline solution around his nose to unclear his nose, and then again at 7. Otherwise he slept through the night. Diana and I woke up and were down stairs when he came down around 8.

When we arrived last night, I came in. Virginia said, "where's my baby!" I like to see her excitement. Everyone gets tired of walking him, it hurts my back, but I do it a lot because he's so insistent. He turns towards you and put out his hand. It's so unbelievably cute, I can not resist most of the time.

When we leave him on the ground, he crawled some today. He puts one leg up like he's going to walk and uses that for leverage, so it's not the strict crawling with knees and alternating arms yet. But he can get forward motion, which he's lacked before. Before he would just roll and had side to side movement. He rolls over, and sits up. But sitting he is stuck, and calls for a pickup.

Last night he was eating the rice from the dinner Diana's mom cooked, that Virginia and I shared. He ate some cucumber that was in the salad Diana and I ate.

202. Third Tooth!

William is cutting his 3rd tooth, an upper one. Thursday morning Diana went to get William and he was already standing in his crib, that's the first time for that. Last night, William just wanted to walk around and around. He goes into his room and pulls all the books and makes a big mess. He ripped a page, and I brought him out and gave him a plane piece of paper to rip. Later I gave him one of the books that are not new nice ones, a weird one we somehow have, so he could rip that one, and he did not rip it. He goes to the bedroom and plays with the knobs on the drawers. He goes into the kitchen and grabs a magnet off the fridge, puts it in his mouth. I've got to wash some, they've almost all fallen on the floor and then we put them in a bowl to be washed. Diana got a balloon and he plays with that. He falls down sometimes, gives three sobs and then he's wiggling to get down. He can walk around in the living room. He get to the end, where there are no hand holds, and he turns to me, and holds his hand up, "come on daddy."

201. No!

William was fussy, to I offered him the bottle. He took a sip, and then when I tried to put it in again, he pushed it out with his tongue. I shook my head and said, "no?" He shook his head and said, "no." I think he really communicated with me. He's fussy because he's tired, not because he's hungry or needs a diaper change. William is 9 months and 13 days.

200. Hummus

Diana is trying to dress William while he is asleep. Time to take him over to Abuela's. Last night he ate hummus with me. I gave him some, and then he kept trying to get my bite, so I kept giving him some. Then he commandeered a bit of pita and sucked on that.

He can clap his hands, and he knows that is good, he looks for approval, recognition. He also knows about the buttons on the TV. He took some steps last night, Diana saw it.

199. Eye Sting

A weekend with Diana and William without anyone else. A little boy can wipe out two adults. We all took a long nap, which was blissful. Snowed in, we began to resort to phone calls as a way of getting out. Unfortunately he was difficult to get to bed. He took a nap, but woke up. Diana said she wanted to go to bed, so I said go. But of course William fell down and cried and cried until his mother woke up and came out. We put him in bed with us, and turned off the light, but that did not work. Diana ended up staying up late with him. I slept through his 4am awakening too.

William came home from his Abuela and Abuelo's juiced up, he was chattering away, and insistent in his explorations. He enjoys kicking things, I think he's going to be a soccer player.

I've got that eye stinging feeling, from fatigue. He's a sweet one. He fell down and cried, and Diana fed him and put him to sleep.

198. Blizzard

We are housebound with all the snow outside. Diana, William and I. William has all the energy in the world. Diana and I are two fading adults who have less energy, even though we take care of him in relays. He walks around, using things to hold him up, including his parents. He likes to go to the fridge and get a magnet and put it in his mouth. He likes to go to his walker, which he does not get in, but uses to help him walk. He plays a little with the things on it. Spins the mirrors, crinkles the crinkle thing. He walks to the TV. I turn it off when he's there. I'm not sure if it's really bad for you or not, but I get nervous. I turn it off. Diana gets him, and moves him away. Anything you try to get him away from, that increases his interest in it. In the bathroom he plays with his bath toys and drops them into the tub, where I can get them for him when he cries. He tries to open up the cabinet under the sink, and I think, “got to child proof this place.” He goes into his room, and I put him in the crib some, where he can easily hold himself up, but he is not stimulated enough for his desires. I hold him at the window and encourage him to look out. Sometimes I read books, we enjoy Todd Parr. Sometimes we read the small books, the touch and feel book, some of the books he got as presents. The Circus McGurkus from his Grandparents in California. A book about a spider who spins a web, that his Grandparents in Chicago sent him. He has some patience for reading, but he ultimately wants to manipulate things, move his hands, be in control.

He wakes up and his diaper is always full. He cries when the diaper is changed. He sips some formula. He likes the way Diana feeds him, he eats less for me. She also can use her breasts. I try hard, and can be very tender, sweet with him. This morning we gave him some of the bread Diana was eating and some of the oatmeal I was eating. He wants what we have. He had to try my green tea. I don't give him much, because I am unsure if it is bad for him or not. In his persistence I find it hard to refuse, but I know there will come times when I do refuse. Take a stand. This does not fell important in of itself. He was cold this morning, so I put some sweats and a fleece. When Diana woke up, she took the pajamas off. She rescued him, I was about to take him outside. I was trying to find some shoes to cover his feet.

197. Sweet Cheeks

Odds and ends: William took his first step at 9 months and 3 days. William was dancing to the rhythem of the printer Tuesday morning. Wednesday morning I ran over the stroller (no he wasn't in it) and destroyed it. I missed William Wednesday night because I went into the city. I look forward to seeing him tonight. Diana reports that William plays peek-a-boo now.

Friday night Diana came home and took a nap. I watched William until she woke up, and then I went to sleep. I woke up early with him, and watched him till she woke up, and then I went to my mitra meeting. Then when I got home, I watched him for a while, and then finally we began to share, as we both watched him. I took a bath with him. Sweet boy. Abuela came over and brought some diapers and formula, and played with William a little.

196. A Step!

William was free standing. He wanted to get to something. He reached, leaned forward, regained his balance. He did it a few times. Then he finally just took a step and reached what he was reaching for.

Diana cried, called Virginia, then her mom.

He was wearing his PJ's that Zane and Bridget got him, with a cute little bear and some Hebrew writing on a dreidle. Zane was slightly mortified to give religious PJ's. I don't care. Judaism is a fine ethnic religion.

I got out the camcorder. I taped him some walking, but the feat was not easily repeated.

195. Free Standing

William can stand, unaided. He took one adjustment step, but I don't think you could say he took his first step, it was more an act of desperation to stay afloat. Diana spent the whole day with William. She said it was good, but she is tired.

When I got home from work, I thought he was so cute. What is cuteness? I'm not sure. It seems to be a mixture of innocence and rapid growth. I think also there something about him being my son. Cuteness is in one sense just positive parental feelings.

I got a new mouse to replace the one he may have ruined by slobbering all over. Diana's cell phone also broke, probably from him slobbering all over it. He's been pulling out CD cases, and generally rearranging the house.

Diana had MLK Day off. The good part for me, was that I got up later, meditated, and left without the struggle of getting everything into the car. I'm also feeling better, I think the vestiges of my flu are gone, I'm only left with a cold which seems rather minor. I guess I can be easily overwhelmed, but that sounds like a judgment. What's the right amount one is able to shoulder? The more the better, of course, but who's to say what the exact amount one is supposed to shoulder. Some people cope pretty well. As a therapist to the stars, I teach Hollywood moguls how to cope. Just kidding. Better stop writing, William came into the living room.

194. Exuberance

William walked all around, got into everything, Saturday. He's only slowed by hunger and fatigue. He may bump his head or fall, and give a few sobs, but he's always more interested in restarting again, than wallowing. He likes to manipulate everything, food, boxes, newspapers, photos, containers, towels, anything. He's vocalizing more, but has yet to be more specific than an emotion. Usually the emotion is exuberance, so far as I can tell. We took a long nap together, and then went to bed around 8. He woke up around 1 and I fed him some milk because Diana said, "he's had both of my breasts," meaning he tapped her dry. But he drank and when we came to bed, he was pulling Diana's hair, while she slept. I thought he wanted just some comfort from her, but she went down and I found the bottle empty this morning, so he wanted to drink some more. I got up around 7 with him, and played with him until Virginia came down around 9. Then Robyn came down and Natasia. He loves those two and really wants to play with them. Natasia is really good at making him laugh. Robyn tries to compete with Natasia who has the age and experience with William advantage. Around 10 Diana woke up, and we had just began feeding him some yogurt. Looks like another exciting day.

193. One handed walker

William is a one handed walker now.

We picked up Aida and Robyn and drove to NJ. We ate at a diner, and came to Virginia's. Virginia came home later, because she had a work party. I went to bed. Virginia came into the room with William at some point, not sure when, but she could not rouse Diana, who was so exhausted. Soon, later, William's crying woke her up, and she got him, and he slept with us. I got up at 6:30.

William walked around, and felt the air coming out of the heating vent. He likes his little puppets. He could walk and explore all day, but I try to get him content sitting exploring his toys. We watched a little of a samurai movie and he fell asleep, just as everyone was waking up and coming downstairs.

192. Sicker

Virginia gave us a John Lennon CD with Beautiful Boy on it. The Celine Dion version was faithful. I liked the Lennon version, but I couldn't get off iTunes, so I listened to the Celine Dion version. Virginia also gave us the Celine Dion CD, full of children's songs.

It's happened. We're all sick. I'm coming off it. William is somewhere in the middle because he's got medication and will be getting better. Diana seems to have hit her sickeness full force, she feels cold.

It's been nice following him around. He walks straight to the outlet in his room. Yikes. He wants to get into everything. He would rip down the phone chord if I would let him. He's a handful.

191. Sick

William came home a little frantic Sunday night. He's a little over stimulated by these parties. They were calling him John Denver because of his hair cut. He liked playing with Emma's toys.

William spent Monday with Di Bell, his great aunt. He did not take a nap for her even though he's got a cold. I've taken a day off because I feel so sick. I shouldn't be writing but I actually have the time.

He continues to walk around a lot. He's enjoying playing with food. Abuela came and took William because I was feeling sick, bless her.

He's been sick too. He had 2 huge crying jags, and she was concerned about him. He's been a little more clingy, but he seems OK. KayLa came over to help out Diana. Diana found some high blood pressure cold medicine.

190. Breastmilk

http://www.nytimes.com/2005/01/09/magazine/09TOXIC.html has an interesting article on breast milk, and breast-feeding. I thought of one of my paranoid acquaintances.

Since I'm pasting in web links, the following is an interesting one on a replacement word for "jihad" because that word means spiritual journey, which is not what terrorists do: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=4273847

I burned his little mouth. He gobbled up his breakfast, and I heated up some food, but it was hot, and I hurt him. Thank goodness he would eat some bananas from me later. Quickly trust was restored.

We put down the squares of numbers that Diana wanted, in William's room. I took some cool pictures of it.

William bumps his head, cries about 3-4 sobs and then is already wiggling to get down and get going again.

Diana said, now that he's standing we should start to measure his height. He will be 9 months soon.

189. Backpack

And Alex gave William a wonderful coat. He has 3 now. One that is a snow suit and fits, and 2 larger ones for the future. So generous.

Saw some pictures of Morris' precious one on Snapfish. What a cuttie! I put one in a frame for display. I need to upload some photos and order some (and send some to people).

I finally got a hair cut last night, my hair was the longest it's been in a while. I just cut my nails. Personal hygiene has never been my strong suit, but it's getting more and more challenging.

Can't believe how much William has been sleeping. I wonder if the combination of no naps and more hearty food has him sleeping longer. Maybe it is the white noise of the cold humidifier.

William went to Chucky Cheese for Robyn's birthday party. I took advantage of the situation to have some private time. They they went out to dinner late. I had a lot of time, but I got into a foul mood with negative thoughts about work.

William slept through the night again. He woke at 7, and I fed him, and then woke up at 9. I put him in the backpack and he's been on my back while I do dishes and write now.

188. Second Tooth

I got my first actual message from my blog, thank you Zane. I was anxious, I was just trying to own it.

William was a little weepy after Zane and Bridget left, he gets attached after 5+ days. Us too.

He's got another tooth coming in on the bottom. He is eating more things: orange juice, rice and beans. Diana's mother reports he is eating very well. He ate some rice I gave him last night.

He can stand for about 30 seconds on his own, when he is wearing his shoes. He's so curious and interested in everything.

He's slept through the night the past 2 nights. Friday morning he woke up at 5:30, which was difficult because when ever I wake up that early, I hope to get in a meditation. He slept from 7-8, and woke up sweetly, not fighting to get into his coat, or complaining. He goes to bed around 9-10, but it's a light sleep, and if you put him in the crib, he wakes up. He had a cold on Wednesday, but it's gone, now Diana and I have the cold, and we're kind of wiped out by it.

The same old paradox of personal writing. Not enough time to write, lots to write about.

Alex gave William a nice little bear that says over 200 different things. It's like the one Bob Grabowsky lent me for my office at my internship at Addabbo. Thanks again Alex.

187. Personnel change

William went from 10 days with his mother, 5+ days with his California grandparents, a weekend with me, to a day with Abuela and Abuelo, Diana being scant because of work, and seeing KayLa and Virginia. I picked Virginia up at the airport and she visited for a little while, before she went back home. She took KayLa home, which was much appreciated. I read in bed, and Diana played with William and watched TV. Except William kept walking in to see me, and I'd pick him up and play with him, until he cried for her, and then she'd come back, and repeat the process.

I can't be on the computer when he's around, or he wants to wail on the keyboard, or cries because he can not. Abuela said he was good during the day yesterday. Diana said he chowed down a lot when I went to get Virginia. He ate a bottle of food, and a bottle of fruit. I've never seen that. I think he's going through a growth spurt. He woke up for Diana, and I got up at 4:30 and fed him. Five o'clock is my opportunity to blog, I'm not sure I'm that committed to the blog.

William was chewing on my pizza crust. I thought it was harmless, it was pretty tough, and big. But he got a big piece off, and was choking on it. Opse. I brought home salads from Wendy's, after picking up Virginia. And he insisted on food. I gave him a slice of cucumber, which he chewed on for quite a while.

186. Happy New Year!

Just dropped Zane and Bridget off at the airport, with William sleeping in the car. And then I took William to his Abuela, who he's not seen much this last week. Zane and Bridget came in Wednesday night, and I think between Wednesday and Monday morning here, Zane walked William so much, fingers for support, bent over, he might have back troubles. I hope he does not.

We stayed at Virginia's in North Haledon New Jersey until Saturday night. Virginia is kind to share her housing with us. I hope she had a really good time in the Dominican Republic, we missed her.

Thursday they hung around the house, and we went out to eat at a good restaurant near Virginia's. William got some good experiences eating out while Zane and Bridget were here, including Tavern on the Green on Sunday. I got so tired, we canceled the reservation at Mesa Grill for Sunday evening. I was very tired, and I think I'm OK for work this Monday morning. But the dining was very good with Zane and Bridget here, and their generosity. William seemed pretty good with it all.

Friday I drove to work and Bridget took the car from there. They took Diana shopping and bought William a bunch of good stuff, on top of all their wonderful holiday presents. They got him shoes, which breaks my heart, he's looking really grown up walking around in shoes.

New Years Eve, William fell asleep before midnight. I was pretty tired and went to bed soon there after too. Bridget made the enchiladas, we had some fine wine, watched an Elvis concert and played Screen It, or something like that, a trivia game with a DVD, and then champaign when it was new years.

New Years Day we watched some Bowl games. Gretchen's Georgia beat my alma mater Wisconsin. Gretchen called to rub it in, and we also talked to Megan. Iowa had an amazing comeback to win, on the last play of the game. Michael, Josephine, Evan and Ava came over and Michael's Michigan lost to Texas. I got to hold Ava for a while and feed her. Evan liked playing with Virginia's train set. Virginia has some good toys for children.

Saturday night we came to our place in Flushing, and packed us all in. Zane and Bridget did not complain about the cramped quarters, they didn't complain about anything. I was very anxious at times, about them being comfortable and having a good time. I think I hindered it by worrying so much. They seemed to have a good time, and I hope they get back to California OK today, get some relaxation, and are able to work tomorrow. Virginia comes back today.

Saturday we rushed out for a brunch at Tavern on the Green. Wonderful place. Then we went downtown and rode the Staten Island Ferry. William's first boat ride. I was starting to flag, and everyone agreed to come home. We watched the Jets lose, and I took a nap. Zane squeezed in his last time with Sparky. It made me so happy to see Zane enjoying Sparky and caring so much about him. And Bridget too. She was reaching for them both by the time they left. Sparky got very accustomed to them, enjoyed their company.

183. Boxing Day

William awoke again at 7:30 while I was 9 minutes into my meditation. I let him sleep on my chest while I read Neurotic Styles by Shapiro. I got tired, and snoozed some, then went into the bed. He snuggled with Diana till 9. They both essentially slept 11 hours. Diana feels caught up with her sleep, refreshed. I went to bed, and slept till noon, which made me feel like I lost the day. I've got the post holiday excitement lassitude. Zane and Bridget are coming on Wednesday, so that's something to look forward to. I played with him on the ground, and Diana came in and out. She fed him egg yokes (he can't eat egg whites until 1 year) which he was not into. He wanted what I was eating. We put on the Celine Dion CD that celebrates child birth. I think Beautiful Boy is the best song, and that shines through despite her singing it. It's like Mel Gibson can't ruin Hamlet, because the Bard's work is so strong, it's got to leak through sometimes. I apologize to all Celine fans, I hope you enjoy her. William fell asleep, and Diana decided not to go shopping, and just stay at home and relax. We got to talk a little bit. I get an update on all the dramas of yesterday that I was not privy to.

182. Toys!

William got a toy that you hammer balls down and they go back and forth. He got some cars that you can rev up and they go. He got some clothes and a big kind of thing he can ride or walk with. He got a coat he's going to be able to wear at least till next year. Virginia, among other things, gave us a new diaper bag, and we were surprised to find it full of little goodies. Harry gave him a drum because I said I was afraid of the noise making drum. They also gave him some cool clothes and a roll thing, that he can play with and use to crawl and walk. And some great clothes. Great Grandma and Grandpa Parks gave him a great outfit. Celeste, Steve and Kattie gave him a great guy on strings and a children's spoons and fork. Many great gifts, they're hard to remember them all. We still need to pick some packages up from the post office.

At Abuela's place this morning, Harry, Angie, AJ and Emma were there. Harry had to go off to work. AJ was struggling to share his toys, he's 4 years old. Emma sat on my lap for a good long time, playing. I came home to take a nap. When I went back, Aida and Natasia were there. At first Aida was just in the bedroom, but she came out into the room Angie was in. They would not refer to each other, but they stayed in the same room for a long time. Poor Aida has a cold. I went home for another nap, and then took Aida and Natasia home. Paquita, Jimmy, Checho, Angle, and Jessica were there when I came back. Checho keeps asking me for photos, but I can never get her address. I gave her a sheet of paper, and said, "write down your address," and she never gave it back to me. Then later, Diana's godparents came over, Hector's parents, Senora Jenny and Senor Ugo. Diana's parents got dressed up and went out to a party.

There was a party downstairs, you could hear the karaoke machine and the people singing. I said, "should I go down and tell them we have a baby sleeping?" Diana said, "it's not bothering him." William fell asleep with Diana on the couch, while I was watching The Life and Death of Peter Sellers. An interesting, well done movie, but I only had patience for an hour of it. Diana moved into the bedroom, and I took William into his crib. Diana slept in her clothes.

She just woke up briefly and said, "I'm sleeping in my clothes!" and fell back asleep. William woke up at 6. I just woke up from an intense dream, too disorganized to clearly convey here. I fed him a bottle, changed his diaper, gave him a little more bottle, and then slept with him on my chest. When I put him in the crib, that's when Diana woke up briefly.

181. Christmas Eve

I heard a yelp, and movement. I went into the bedroom, and I found William hanging face down off the bed, and Diana holding onto his feet. Turns out she put him in the middle of the bed, and she bent down to get something. When she looked up, she saw William leaping for the edge. Diana got very upset, and I took William away, and brought him back when she was better. She was very frightened about what might have happened. I thought it was funny once I knew he was safe.

Thursday night we went to New Jersey. William started crying hard when we were almost there. I got to go to bed, and I hated to run to work, and say goodbye to my sonny boy, sweet cheeks. Diana was out shopping all day Friday.

I got home Friday night and took a 4 hour nap. I was so tired. Diana called me to help transport Aida to the Bronx, but I declined. I had to get some sleep.

Christmas eve this year was with Robyn and Victor, Virginia, Abuela and Abuelo, Diana, William and me. I haven't seen Robyn in ages. Today we opened some presents and we're going over to Diana's parents. I'm going to take Virginia to the airport now. She's going to the Dominican Republic.

180. Sweet Cheeks

Yesterday was winter solstice. William had a long and exciting day. He came home from his grandmother's very excited, alive. I gave him a bath, which was rough because he's outgrown our little tub in the kitchen routine, and he was full of energy, splashing all over the place. Diana went out holiday shopping. I spent some quality time with William, no distractions, no TV, no radio. He was a bit manic for a while, but he calmed down and almost fell asleep, but the bottle ran out, and he woke up. I video taped him some, and let him move around me. I like putting him on my chest and him trying to find his balance to stand without holding. He's getting so big. He pooped for me. He enjoys opening and closing things, like my armoire and the freezer. I'm not sure what kind of mojo Abuelo and Abuela give him, but it was good stuff, and it was good to see William thrashing and crashing around. We watched a little ballet on TV when I got tired, and luckily Diana was not too late, and I got to bed. I slept past my meditation window. Now I have to wake him up, change his diaper, feed him a little, and take him to Abuela's. Wish I had a week off like Diana, and could spend that time with Sweet Cheeks.

There was an interesting article in the Times on 12/22/04 about stay at home fathers. It's pretty rare, but in America that means there's 1.7 million of them. Unfortunately I only had 6 months as a stay at home father, but put another way, I was quite lucky to have William and time for 6 months. I will always treasure that time.

179. Took in a show

I've seen little of my boy. Last night I came home wiped out. KayLa was here and she watched William while Diana napped and I read and did dishes. I drove her home and then William was asleep. I got up meditated, and drove Diana to work, and then dropped William off at his Abuela's. He slept mostly in the car. And now I'm home and Diana is not home yet from her parents. Abuela says she saw him crawling, that he has another tooth coming in, and that at Natasia's recital today, he was clapping, and got very excited when he saw her on stage. Apparently he likes to play with boys. He's going to be a boy's boy, I think. He was so cute today, I hated handing him over to Abuela. I'm glad she took him out, sounds like he had a good day. Diana said they indulge him, he's been wrecking their house and they and he love it, turning over plates of rice, and whatnot. I bet he sleeps well tonight, with all the excitement. I really wish him to have a rich life.

178. Tree

I got a Christmas tree. It's so cold out here in NYC, especially when the sun is down. Tomorrow is winter solstice. Days get longer after tomorrow, but for some reason the weather gets worse for a while, there's more to it than the sun. We got a little snow yesterday, but William is not yet old enough to enjoy it. All my clients stay inside, I can't really blame them. Somehow we found time in the evening to put the tree up, but not yet decorate it.

I asked Diana, "you want to go to bed?" She said, "no, you go to bed." So I went to bed. I was awoken at 1:30 by his cries. Diana was sleeping next to me. I got up, gave him a bottle. He fell asleep. I put him in the crib and he slept.

This morning, Diana says she put him to bed at 1:30, and he slept for 5 minutes and then woke up. By then she was long gone to sleep. Poor dear, she's only had 5 hours sleep.

Sunday was really nice with William. Saturday I'm a bit conflicted with him, I'm thinking, "I've got him all Sunday." But when Sunday rolled around, he slept late and took a long nap. I think one key is getting a break, not always being on. Diana let me go to bed early. I said, "don't you want me to help you?" She said to me laying in bed, "like you are now..." William got up at 3:30, and was up till 4:15. I let him sleep on my chest, and then I rolled him onto his side and back, and he woke up at 4:30. Diana got up with him despite my protests. I really think she should take the day off, or at least go in late. I can't take a day off till February, and as it is, I'm yawning like crazy with the clients, which is bad technique, but they say that they don't mind, they understand.

It's no exaggeration to say we look forward to the days when he goes to bed at a reasonable time, and does not wake up in the night.

177. Pastina

Diana read the blog. She says her carpool friends bought her Pastina not Furina, little pasta.

William took a nap on me while I watched The Big Lebowsky. He's been a bit cranky, well fed and changed, but fussy.

176. Bread Puke

William just upchucked the bread he was sucking on. He fusses until you give him something, when we're eating. He's very oral, he wants to mash things in his hands, and sample them in his mouth. But maybe he ate too much, or he's not ready yet for bread that way, and he puked it on my sweater.

Virginia slept with William last night. I told Diana to go to bed, and she actually took my offer. Virginia got home from her office party around midnight. William stayed up till 1. Virginia reports William woke up at 5, and drank the bottle, and got a diaper change at 7:30. I picked him up around 9, and gave him to Diana to breast feed.

Last night he was a bit hypomanic in the night. When we first got here, he rolled around a lot, maybe 5 feet in distance. When Virginia got home, he was more clingy, but flappy and vocal. She's impressed by how active and mobile he is.

175. Tooth!

I felt William's tooth on the bottom. He's cut his first tooth. Diana said, "maybe that's why he wakes up in the night." Diana said she felt it yesterday. Her mother felt one on the top the other day, but I don't feel one up there.

He seems to be very cute, but he threw a fit when I moved him away from the computer to take a bath. Diana is exhausted, she's the one who got up in the night with him last night. I felt good today, I awoke in a good mood. I wondered why. Because I got a good night sleep. Sleep really does make difference in how your day goes, I will henceforth have more sympathy for people with insomnia.

It is a blessing that the women's car pool includes Diana, driving her home. They found some Farina that doesn't have any eggs in it, because he can't have the whites till 1 year old.

He has a tooth, he has a tooth!

174. 8 Months!

The Monday crunch occurred again. Diana has to stay at school till 4:30, and Diana's mother has to go to work at 4. So we called up Veronica, who is a cousin of Diana's. She's an accounting student, who is hard working and sweet. She's going to come over and take care of William. Hooray Veronica.

I had a lovely morning with William, reading and playing in bed when he woke up. Getting out of the house with everything proved to be more difficult.

He's got such a lovely smile for me when I come home. He wants to look at me, and won't finish breast feeding. We played on the carpet for a while, and Diana joined us. She fed William. Now she's showering with him. He was afraid because Diana was towering over him. When he was done, I rubbed lotion on him, and began to dress him. Diana put him in the crib and he stood up on his own and hung onto the side. I got the video camera and he did it again. He fell asleep during Everybody Loves Raymond, while she breast fed him, and Diana clipped his nails.

Great Grandma and Grandpa Parks sent William some presents. Now we need to get a tree so we can put them under.

Tuesday KayLa was mother's little helper. Diana went out to get stuff for an experiment tomorrow.

173. Out

William woke up and was cranky. His clogged nose was bothering him. Diana extracted a huge booger. I dropped Diana off at her class, and took William to Cliff and Vava's. I hung out there with William till about 3. We looked at Cliff's cool computer program that has satellite pictures of the world, looking at Bittersweet Place, Virginia's place was not up yet in NJ, Chicago... William wanted to join in, but was distracted by a keyboard Cliff brought over. Cliff gets very nervous about potential dangers of things. He also played my blog in a robot voice. We listen to Steely Dan, Bjork and Janis Joplin. Vava did some work. When William fell asleep, we played chess. It was good to see them, and I'll probably go over there next week for the last day of class for Diana.

Then it was off to Aida, KayLa and Natasia's. I promised Natasia I would bring him over, she was upset to only have him at the mall last night, and not at home. Diana was there too, she'd gone from class early, sick. Might have been the old salsa I gave her last night. Opse. I took a wee nap. Diana woke me up because she wanted to get to her mother's.

Then it was off to Abuela and Abuelo's, where Senora Jenny and Senor Zambrano were. Also Victor and his girlfriend Veronica (they're back together!). Virginia got there just when we got there. She was trying to drag in his play pen, which Abuela is going to use. I watched the demise of the Jets against Blitzburg, and came home to read and write the blog.

171. Stomach again

Friday night, Diana and William took a nap. William woke up. I hung out with him. I snacked on some chicken. He cried till I gave him some to chew on. He didn't eat any, but he chewed on it. Same when I had some pita and hummus. I gave him pita. He insists on partaking with what ever I eat. I don't think it's bad for him, because he just chews on whatever for a while, mashes it, and gradually he loses it. It's messy, but I think it's OK. Diana worries about the oil it's cooked in.

William went to bed at 1 after a few false starts. He woke up at 4, and not drink much milk, but I think appreciated the change of a soaked diaper. He woke again at 8:25, and we hung out a little. I was getting a tissue from the room to blow my nose, and that woke Diana up. William was finishing up playing with his breakfast oatmeal.

I offered to make Diana breakfast. I want to try and spoil her today, because she's got a paper to write, and that's going to be difficult for her. But the eggs said, "best by Oct. 21" So we loaded William into the backpack, and I took him grocery shopping with me. He likes getting out, and it's easy to put him in the backpack now. I'm not so worried about him breaking too.

We put William on the ground, and he was dancing when I put some music on. He rocks back and forth. I used to dance a lot in front of him, when he was little, because he liked it.

Aida came over, and they all went out to look at places. It would be a blessing if they lived close, but Aida didn't like the price for the places. I took a long deep nap, and when I woke up they were packing up to go to the mall. They took William, and I just picked them up. William is knocked out, he was stimulated by all the excitement but now he's knocked out. Aida offered to take him over night, but I wanted William near.

170. Stomach

My meditation on Tuesday morning was "ruined" by fantasies of writing a book on parenting for Buddhist. Diana staggered to bed at 10:30, and said, "I need to go to bed." I watched him and enjoyed him, then got very sleep and wished very much for him to go to sleep. He got fussy, perhaps picking up on my discontent. His fussing woke his mother up, and she put him to sleep at midnight. Sweet Diana said, "at least I got an hours sleep." But in the morning she reported she was very tired. While Alex scrubbed away in the kitchen, I secretly wished she would say, "Let me take him," but she was into her scrubbing, and I did not bring up the topic myself. William slept late, and I had to wake him up and taking him to Abuela's.

William was excited as always to see me when I came home. The house was immaculate, Alex went to town on the other parts of the apartment. It's really a blessing for her to help us out this way and really clean up the apartment. And it's spurred me to keep the place cleaner, it give me hope.

I gave William a bath Tuesday night. It was sweet. I love giving him a bath. He loves splashing the water. He doesn't cry when you get water in his eyes. He's such a sweaty. It's hard not to do this vague gushing when writing about him. I know it might seem a bit boring to read, but I'm struggling to write about it in a way that conveys what happens.

William had taken to trying to ingest me. He chews on Diana's and Virginia's chin, maybe others. But he's stayed way from mine. Too much stubble. But he does it anyway, which I am flattered by, he wants to ingest me, internalize me.

We found William sleeping on his stomach in the morning. He's also shrugging his shoulders at times. He can walk with help! He's quite amazing.

Wednesday I took William over to Trebor's. Trebor was very good with William and he was kind about the mess William made during dinner. He ate some pasta and bread. When I say "ate" I think gnawed, or gummed. Vajramati thought he really grew up. I'm glad he's getting experience with my Buddhist friends. William profits much by his time with Trebor and Vajramati

Thursday morning William read the paper with me in bed. He's been doing that all week. We get into bed. I give him the section he wants (the ones I won't read) and he plays. He plays pretty well. I like our little routine.

I arrived home to find Diana, William, LayLa and Alex. It promises to be an interesting evening. Diana's mom says William is doing more and more different things.

169. Clean!

William scratched up his face a little last night. He went to bed at midnight and slept through the night. He woke up, sucked down a bottle, and I changed his soaked diaper. We played a little, and at 8 I took him over to Abuela's.

Alex slept over, she wants to clean the house to make some money because she's had trouble finding work, and we could use some cleaning. She's attacked the kitchen today, it's amazing.

William shrugs his shoulders. He's so cute. Every little thing he does is so cute. I guess other people don't think it's cute, or are not so interested in William.

Paul asked me the question, "would you be willing to learn to drive more safely?" I wanted to say no, but I had to say yes. I don't think I drive very safely, but I do drive quickly. With William in the car, I do drive safely.

Elizabeth said, "William will have the best traits of both of you." My mind went spinning, what would they be? I hope he picks up the best from us.

William ripped into the corner of his eye, right of the nose. He cries when you wipe his nose, it's sore from his cold. Diana's mother said he was clingy today, she couldn't cook, so she brought him to Alex, and she cleaned with him in the backpack. He pulled her head to the side, by pulling her hair, so he could see what she was doing.

168. Steps

William took steps when you walked him as an infant, in the doctor's office. He said it's a primitive instinct. But he's been standing, holding onto things, but not moving his legs. Diana's said she's seen a step or two. But last night while Virginia was guiding him, he took steps. It was quite amazing.

He's also sleeping on his side sometimes, he doesn't just sleep on his back all splayed out. Last night I went to bed, I couldn't finish watching Shrek 2. I woke up to see Diana put William in bed. Then she came to bed shortly. And then Virginia came in and took William. She said he woke up once in the night because he couldn't breath with all the mucus on his nose.

We were not organized enough to pack up and go home, dropping Diana off at her class, where she has a test today. So I just took Diana in, and we left William. I got back here by 9, and William was up.

Diana was studying last night, while I took care of him and watched The Last samurai. The samurai is a weird combination of some elements of Buddhism, discipline and violence, practicality. From a Buddhist point of view, you harm people. It's much better to be harmed than to harm someone else, though you should try to avoid being harmed. The last samurai could have just retired and gone off, but he chose not to. In the Korean Buddhist movie that came out recently, there's wacky seen where the "Buddhist" does a bunch of karate moves. I think "martial arts" have nothing to do with Buddhism, in my opinion. Martial arts uses meditation and is inspired by mindfulness and influenced by Buddhism, but I think it gets one point wrong--that violence is the solution, even if it's self defense. Self defense could be way before violence.

Last night, overhearing Diana talk to Alex, she said she'd caved into to all the opinions, everyone thought he should get a hair cut, and that she regrets letting us get the hair cut. I felt guilty, at railroading her. I was so caught up in my idea that he should not have hair in his eyes, that I did not see how important this is for Diana. I think William is cute, but I don't want to make his mother unhappy.

Eating has been difficult lately. Last night he flailed with his harms, hitting the spoon and the saucer the food was in, twice, making a mess. This morning I think I got more oatmeal on my shirt than I got into his mouth. He really wants to feed himself, but I'm afraid he's not coordinated enough yet to even attempt. But that's coming up close, he clearly wants to do it, and he's pretty insistent, which I do like.

His crawling is getting closer. I'm putting things out of his reach to create the tension to get to it. He moves forward, but one leg is still under him, not behind him. Sometimes he falls over on his face. He's still unstable, but he's really interested. I think his arms are strong enough, but he's having trouble coordinating his legs. His legs are strong for standing, but not so much at the angles of crawling.

He's more vocal. I know I've said it's more and more complex, but I see even more complexity, volume, and control. No words yet, but I see him getting close. He puts everything in his mouth, he slobbers over everything. I read in the What To Expect The First Year book that you need to worry more about the chemical cleaning agents on things, than things being dirty. He has had a runny nose that goes back and forth, since we've come back from Chicago.

Everything seems on the brink now, he's getting close to doing a lot more, functioning in way he hasn't yet, and that will change his consciousness drastically. He seems to be in between all this stuff, and the baby that he once was. It's gradual, these things are stages in my head, but I don't think they really exist.

167. Haircut!

Diana finally let William get a hair cut. His hair was below his nose, it was getting in his eyes. She was very conflicted, but Virginia said to do it, so she followed Virginia's advice. We went to a cute little place, and they did a good job. Diana cried and cried, and then was angry at me for a while, but she recovered by the time we'd done some shopping at Babies 'R Us. He looks different, and you can see his face. I go to put the hair out of his eyes, but there's none in his eyes. Even with the hair cut, a woman said, "how old is she?" and I had to admit to Diana that it wasn't only the hair that was throwing people off, as I maintained, but that also people are just stupid, which is what she maintained. We went to Red Lobster for lunch, and William fell asleep. We came home, and he's still sleeping. Virginia went out shopping.

Virginia helped us last night. I snuck off to bed, and got a good night sleep. Virginia went to bed, but Diana put him in bed with her, when she went to sleep. I really appreciate the one night of sleep, without worries. Virginia is very kind, and Diana is very kind for not waking me up, because she said William went to bed at 12:30. I got up and read the paper for a while, before everyone woke up, a nice treat. Maybe rested and relaxed, taken care of by Virginia, Diana had the strength to let William get a hair cut today. I really like him with shorter hair.

166 Gigi to the rescue

We're in NJ in the warm comfort of Virginia's company. We were all very glad to see her back, we missed her. Diana's mother takes care of William during the day, and it's so huge, it's hard to imagine. But it's easier to imagine that Virginia will sleep with William tonight and give us some rest. Increase our margin for error, which has shrunken to quite small. We need all the help we can get, but sleep is my favorite help. Virginia is very helpful in many other ways, but I dearly dearly miss sleep. There's a new study out on life contentment, and I think sleep was the most important thing.

We drove out, even though I need a new clutch. I'll try and get one Sunday, and will probably not get one till Monday. William and Diana slept in the car. We got here before Virginia. Surprise. She said call before we come out, but we just came out. We're so keen to be here.

Gigi thinks William has grown, she's getting all caught up on his new developments. I'm very glad she is so devoted to him.

I've just downloaded the photos from her trip onto her computer, so I can take pictures of William. She's got a good camera, and it's easier to load up from her computer, the software is better for Windows, for Snapfish. On my Mac I need to choose every picture, and on hers I can just upload what I've just downloaded onto her computer from the camera. Saves time, and her camera is better. Don't tell Diana I said that, she gets touchy, because she bought my camera, which I do love.

165. Attachment

William went to bed at 11:30 Monday night. He woke up at 3. He gave a semi-confused smile to Abuela after not seeing her for a long time. But I'm sure he remembered quickly. When I got back over there at night, William was not interested in me, he wanted to see Natasia. He prefers young children already, not his father. I was a bit taken aback by his lack of interest in me, but I have to accept what is.

I took advantage of the situation to come home and read. I read walking your child outdoors in the early months helps them to get the night day cycle. Wish I would have known that. William tends to nap from 7-8, and then stay up late. He's going to be exhausted tonight with all the hubbub.

Diana says she breast fed him at 10:30 and he konked out. When she went to put him in his snow suit, he started wailing. He slept through the night, Diana fed him at 5. I got up at 6, meditated, and drove them to work. William was happy that I held him before I left. He got upset when I left. I felt terrible. I came and visited at lunch time. He's got a cold and he keeps putting his tongue out to lick his snot. When I got home in the evening he napped, and then was weepy, wouldn't let me put him down. He's OK now. He's got a cold, seems to have gotten it after the flight home from Chicago.

164. Cute Pill

William began eating off our plates at restaurants. Then he demanded it at home, and we gave him something to put him off his big tantrum. At the airport he was agitating for something when I was eating my sandwich, and I gave him a bit of lettuce.

William fell asleep early, even though he slept a bit during the day, including much of the flight. He slept on me, and then in our bed. When I moved him to his crib he woke up and he slept on me some more. I put him into bed and he stuck the second time. But then he woke up later. He stayed up with Diana till 12:15. He woke up at 5, and I got up. Then Diana got up at 5:15, and fed him till 6.

Seems like tonight he took his cute pill. With Virginia and Abuela back, I feel much better. We all missed them terribly. I can't wait to see William smile at Abuela and Virginia. He had a big poop at Alex's. She's been so kind to take care of William.

163. Return

William slept after take off. He wiggled and reached while we waited though. The flight was pushed back 30 minutes, but that was all. He tried to grab stuff from the woman sitting next to us. He made a few girlfriends, charming women everywhere with his looks and smiles.

We had a good trip. William went to his first museum. He got to spend lots of time with his "glamma" and grandpa. I had a fantasy of getting more sleep and rest, but this is my first long weekend holiday with William and working and I think I was unrealistic. I really enjoyed the restaurants and my mother's cooking. William got some good things from his grandparents, we have a walker now, where he can walk around with support on wheels.

I was frustrated with myself for not controlling my sarcasm and sardonic comments towards my mother. It seems that old pattern of passively trying to fend her off continues. She does have her quirks. I never noticed how much she rushes around. People like that are good, they get things done. She keeps a good house and provides invaluable support. Rich on the other hand was in the moment, in tune, but not like my mother. I think they make a good team.

162. Piggle

Last night at dinner, William expected the same freedom to explore the table as he’s been having at restaurants. He threw a tantrum when Diana said, “no,” and cried.

Rich ended up getting in the bath with him. He calmed down when the water was turned off. I got to comb William’s hair and we took some pictures with Kathy and Rich. We went upstairs and they watched a movie, Captain Jack, which sounded good. William fell asleep and I put him on my chest and read some of Piggle by Winnecott. Poor little girl had a really hard time adjusting to her sister’s arrival, and had irregular treatment by Winnecott. Piggle is the name for a little child in England.

He woke up, that was his evening phantom nap. Diana fed him in the bedroom and they went to sleep. When my eye lids began to fall down I joined them. Diana switched sides in the bed, and I somehow did not have enough blankets. It was not enough of a problem for me to get up and solve. I can’t really remember my dreams. I got up at 7 with William, which is 8 EST. We’re flying back today at noon. Hope this flight is not delayed.

I put William in his walker. He played a little, and then held his arms up to be taken out. I put him down with his toys. He played until he fell over onto the whipie case, and started crying. He cried for two breaths, and then was a bit weepy, so he resisted being put back down. I brought him to Diana. Now I’m going to meditate.

161. Lemons and Carrots

William only woke up once last night. Then he woke up around 7. I got up, and meditated a little. We had 9 o’clock tickets to the Machu Pichu exhibition at the Field Museum. It was a cool exhibit, the Incans flattened their children’s foreheads when their skulls were pliable, and there was no negative effects to it. Makes me want to go there. Imagine you’re the Yale assistant professor who “discovered” it for the world. William looked at things, and wowed the ladies. He’s quite the flirt. We looked at the Native American exhibit, including a Pawnee dwelling, where we got to sit on real buffalo beds, and there were guides who talked about it.

I yearned for a life more connected to nature, before humans multiplied so much and were less in control of their environment, more worshiping it. We fed William at the café after splurging at the shop. Then we went to the Japanese and Tibetan exhibits. I found it slightly offensive, decontexualized, and I didn’t think they had to write “saint” for bodhisattva, they could just explain a bodhisattva. When we went on, I went back to look again. I felt a good connection to all the Buddhist art, the icons, etc. In the shop I bought a little tiny Buddha and posters of Manjushri and Green Tara. I lectured Rich and Diana on it some, and I could see their interest wane. William fell asleep, and woke up.

We went to an Indian restaurant for lunch, and I stuffed myself on the buffet. William threw a fit to get at Diana’s salad, and ended up with a carrot slice and a lemon wedge in his hand. We waited for the lemon wedge to really effect him, but he ended up alternating them. Carrot, lemon wedge. He’s not supposed to have citrus, but we hope it wasn’t a significant amount. It amazed everyone, lemon and carrot.

I took a long nap, very deep. William took a few short naps. They’re trying to give him a bath right now, but he’s scared of their bath.

160. Wishbone

We went to Target and got a walker for William and some other odds and ends. My mother left something in the oven with it still on, accidentally, so we rushed back home. Since it was raining, Diana and Rich canceled the trip to the zoo. We put together the walker. Unfortunately the lowest setting isn’t quite low enough, and he got tired of it pretty quickly. I got to read some and took a nap. William spent some quality time with everyone.

We went out to eat at a restaurant called Wishbone. I had the eggplant with brussel sprouts and mac and cheese. Diana had chicken. Rich had crab cakes. Mom salmon cakes. William had chicken and sweet potato and apples. He had a high chair, but he didn’t stay in it long. He didn’t really draw with the crayon. He liked to drop spoons. My mom marveled at his hand movements, told us we need to find a good Montessori school. And larger living quarters. She wants to teach everything, to talk, to crawl, to play the piano. We played pass the baby and Rich had chocolate pecan pie and Diana had a Sunday.

William fell asleep on ride home and fussed a little when we put him into his PJs. He slept for 10 minutes and when he woke up with Mom and Rich, he started crying. I kept reading, but he kept crying and nothing would stop him, so I came up and he stopped crying. That’s the first time that happened to me, where I soothed him. My mother felt a little bad that he would not stop crying for her.

159. Chicago Finally

Our 8:30 flight was delayed till 2:30. So we tried to get onto the 9 o'clock flight. The 10 o'clock flight. The 11 o'clock flight. The 12 o'clock flight. William did not mind so much. We would have gone home, but we put his jacket in the luggage, and that was gone. I did not have my book, so I bought a Hillerman paperback. I took a few naps. Poor Diana did not nap. William seemed to be OK, and did not mind. He was interested in all the people and looking around.

He took the flight well, no problems. He charmed a few women, as usual. The steward would not take the diaper, "I can't" and I got to take it to the trash. I changed him on the changing table in the toilet for his big stinky poop. He slept at take off and landing. He looked out the window some and played.

We got our luggage quickly, bundled up for the cold Chicago weather, and waited to be picked up. Mom and Rich were very glad to see him. Mom got him some outfits. Rich seems to be pretty in tune with him, he notices when he needs a change of venue or is tired.

Thanksgiving dinner was good; my mother is a wonderful cook. My mother gave him a bath. She said, "You guys don't use baby powder?!" She put him into the crawl position, which he did not move from, but held for a while, which I have never seen him do before. My mother seems preposterous at time, but she actually does get some results sometimes. One of my mom's friends came over, and we all chatted, and we doted on William, my little narcissistic projection. Then we went up stairs to watch TV and everyone fell asleep, except me and Rich, and I really wanted to sleep. William ended up sleeping with us. My parents keep it kind of cold, which I remember, but Diana and William are not so used to.

He woke up 3 times in the night. The final time I got up with him, after having a dream with Cliff in Vava, where we were at a party. We let Diana sleep in a little bit. He sucked on a teething biscuit. I got some coffee. Fed him breakfast. My mother thought I spoiled him back always picking him up when he cries. Rich got up and held him for a while. Then Diana got up and fed him and he's fallen asleep.

He likes the light in the dining room. My mother got more biodegradable diapers, and had a basket of foods and whatnot for him. She wants to go to target to get a walker for him.

158. Early Morning

I just put 3 pajamas I love into the storage container for Virginia's, because the pajamas are for 6-9 months. He needs at least 12 month, or 12-18 months. Eighteen months fits loose, but he can wear them. Virginia called, the funeral is tomorrow for Diana's mother's father. We leave for Chicago, where it's snowing. Diana said, "William's first snow." William is getting more and more insistent on getting what he wants. He arches his back, and points to his mother. Last night I was very tired, and I was quickly overwhelmed by taking care of him. Diana insists on packing everything and I don't mind. I snapped a little, and Diana sent me to bed. I know karma is not some kind of divine pay back, like something bad happens always because of something else bad, but I had a horrible horrible nightmare, and the alarm went off just after I woke up.

157. Projected Narcissism

Tuesday I was hoping to go to my sangha meeting, but I lost energy even though I got a good night's sleep. I think my fatigue is more than one night's sleep. Consequently, Diana told KayLa to come over to help her out. So when I didn't go, we decided to go out to dinner. It was nice to have dinner, though Diana is in a bit of a daze.

Aida gave KayLa permission to miss school, so she could be the one to helping out Wednesday. Alex, who's taken care of William 7 days while Abuela is in Ecuador, finally had to begin working. So I drove KayLa home to get some clothes and whatnot. I talked to Aida a little. Then we went to Joseph's to give him the Play Station 2, for his good grades. I never had time to play it. I'm trying to get rid of things, that was the easiest to give up. Then we went to Alex's to pick up the stroller and other things from her time taking care of William.

The bad news was that Diana's grandfather died. Diana called me when we were at Joseph's. He was suffering, and it was good his daughter got to see him. Virginia missed seeing him, but she'll be there for the funeral if she changes plans and does not continue on her vacation. Victor told Diana and he was all broken up, couldn't talk.

When we got home William was asleep. But he woke up and stayed awake till 1am. KayLa took care of him for a while, while I finished the new Yalom book of essays. I did dishes, and William played quietly to himself for a long time. It's nice to have her around, and Diana got some much needed sleep. But I got exhausted, and set him down in bed. So eventually he woke her up, and she breast fed him till he fell asleep. But because he was awake a lot last night, and I expect her grief, Diana called off work. Which is good, I'm glad she did that. Now she and KayLa can take care of William. Not too much pressure on either, and I won't worry about all 3.

Tomorrow we go to Chicago for Thanksgiving. I'm very much looking forward to seeing Mom and Rich. I told Elizabeth that love it when people dote on William, and she said, "he's a narcissistic projection of yourself, of course you would." I say provocative things all day, I'm a bit of an imp, I blow off some steam between clients, so maybe she's paying me back. Of course everyone is narcissistic to some degree, it's often a good thing. I really hope I see the real William, and am not projecting all the time. Also being with Mom and Rich will feel cozy. I hope to get some sleep and have some time to read. Mom says she'll keep him at night, and that we can go out one night to see some blues music. William was good on the flight down to Atlanta, so I'm not worried about flying. Diana has had the pleasure of her mother being around a lot, and I'm a bit envious because mom can be comforting.

I'd better cut this short and go to work.

156. Jabber Boy

William was standing in his play pen last night, holding on to the side. He fell and was hanging on, and when Diana picked him up he cried and cried. But he finally calmed down and then finally went to bed. Diana was up with him, and also in the night. I said, "I didn't hear him." She said, "yea, you were snoring away." Diana has a class from 8:30-4 today. She has next week off, but then 3 more classes. Sunday is father's day. We drove from Virginia's in New Jersey early in the morning and I've come home after dropping her off. I fed him breakfast and played various ways. I put him in the snugglie and did some dishes. I had him in front which makes it hard, but then I put him in back. I think eventually I will figure out how to do things. He's not going to require being next to me all the time, and he'll be ambulatory soon. He's getting to be quite the talker, jabber boy. Last night and other times, he's really "talking" a lot these days. More complex vocalizations. I know I've said that before, but they keep getting more complex and complex.

Diana came home and I got to read a little bit. William fell asleep for a little while, and then he slept on me for a while, and I fell asleep. Diana came home when he was just waking up. Diana gave him a bath. We fired a few shots over the exhaustion and overwhelmed feelings we share. I used it to bring in the 3 big bags of laundry. We made up later, I admitted to my unrealistic projections and expectations.

155. He May Be A Giant

I was just watching a documentary on They Might Be Giants, and William was entranced by the music. Or maybe he's just in a docile mood. Maybe he feels better because he's had 3 poops today.

This morning was very difficult. The guy I hit kept calling for his money, and I went to the bank with William. The maintanance guys came to put the braces on the ACs. In the stress, I snapped at Diana a few times, and that just compounds the problem. I missed my mitra meeting and I haven't meditated since Tuesday, so I lose my equilibrium fairly easily.

We came over to New Jersey to do laundry and for a change of venue. I hate it that Virginia is away, she helps us out so much. Every bit seems so huge. I've felt very alone since Virginia and Diana's mother went away. It's been good in a way to be just us, but this morning was really rough. I hate it that Diana's mom is away, but Alex has been generous to fill in.

I also watched Last Letters Home, about parents, spouses, etc. reading letters home from people who died in Iraq. Very sad. I love America, but I think only the second world war was a just war, and I think it could have been conducted more skillfully. There probably could be a way not to drop the bombs. I can't even say what this quagmire is about. Very upsetting documentary. I can't even imagine reading William's last letter, though maybe it helped some people with the grief to go public.

We seem to trade off getting up in the night. The first one to raise gets the prize. William was hard to get down and I sleep with him. A little later he cries, and Diana breast feeds him and then puts him in the crib. I try to fall asleep, not think about her, worry she's sleeping in the chair with him. I got with him when the sun came up, and he ate a huge breakfast. Quite astonishing. Then the crazy stressful morning began. Lost my equanimity. But it's been nice to be at Gigi's even if she isn't here. It's a spacious place, cleaner air. I drive Diana to her class early in the morning and then I have William all day. My golden day with William. I should sleep so I'm not such a wastoid for him.

154. Riverdale

William got to see Will, Bart, Di and Wes tonight. Etta's bark made him cry. He was fascinated by Etta, though. Di fixed a wonderful meal, and let me eat while she held William, a real luxury.

Alex said William had a better day. He really enjoyed chicken soup she made. He may be a bit constipated. He was clingy again, and she went to the bathroom with him on her lap. Not as bad as the day before.

No mother's helper tonight. KayLa wants to be a pediatrician. I drove her home last night, which took me away from William more. I went to a child abuse course to get my LMSW license finally. I said I'd get it quickly at work. They showed some disturbing pictures. I'm at the point in my life where anything that takes me away from William is very hard. I resented it even though the teacher was really good.

The godfather Paul helped us Sunday to put the crib down a level. William is getting stronger and might climb out.

153. KayLa

Diana is very overwhelmed, and she did a smart thing in hiring KayLa to assist us in the evenings during the week. Take a little pressure off us. I'm out some nights, tonight with the sangha meeting, tomorrow I have a child abuse class I need to take to get licensed. I need to go to the doctor, I've run out of my high blood pressure medication. Life is so complicated. So a little help isn't so bad. KayLa could use a little scratch too. She's sweet, William likes her. She's Aida's niece. She's in high school, took care of her brothers so she's experienced. Diana trusts her and I trust Diana's instincts. I don't trust anyone, even myself.

He supposedly slept a lot today. Monday he usually sleeps a lot, but there was a lot of hubbub at Diana's mother's as she packed for Ecuador. When I got there, Emma was there, with her new teeth. I can honestly say I don't care she's cutting teeth before William. I didn't like to hear she can sit up, William hasn't sat up from the flat ground, only from a pillow, he needs assistance. Maybe they forgot to mention that. Emma is a cuttie. So are AJ, Natasia and Venus. So with all around, William was excited. He slept a lot today with Alex. He's a bit weepy too, he dropped a toy and cried. He's still a little under the weather. Poor bubbub.

Read in the Stern book, that babies 5-7 months recognize faces a week later after seeing pictures for less than a minute. Also that babies can distinguish between their mother's voice and others in the womb. Mostly the book is pretty complicated, and I'm not reading it in concentrated efforts it requires, but I do like some of the ideas like "paradoxical sleep". That's sleep that doesn't fit into the pattern. Better go to bed, I'm knackered.

152. Guilt

I woke up from a haze of sleep, to realize I had turned the baby monitor off. William had been crying for a while. I don't know how long. I felt terrible. He had torn down the mobile too, really a sign of play, but in my guilt riddled mind, an act of desperate destruction at being betrayed. He was weepy and didn't want milk. He sat next to me, and every once in a while leaned into me, because he needed a hug. And I had to quickly bundle him up into his snow suit, and take him to his grandmother's. I confessed my transgression to her, and she took it to mean that Diana had turned off the monitor, which she had not, and she told Diana at work, and she was infected with a horrible wracking guilt.

I got to Diana's parent's place and it was packed. Natasia, Venus, AJ, Emma, Harry, Angelique, plus Veronica and of course Abuela and Abuelo. Bubbub did not seem to want to have anything to do with me, my guilt interpreted his interest in Natasia and Venus playing, as ignoring me.

Diana is struggling with me going back to work. She's behind at work, she feels bad as a wife and as a mother. She will find the balance, I feel confident in her.

151. Seven Months Old!

William took a nap for a while Sunday afternoon. He woke up and I gave him some lunch. He likes the fruits but not so much the other stuff. William could sit and play at times, and at others he had to be held. Using the aspirator to get snot out is very traumatic for him, he cries a lot. I only do it once in a while.

Doing things with William in your arms can be difficult, but I fixed myself lunch. I gave William a bath. he likes to hold onto the shower sprayer. Abuela came over around 4. She took him over to Alba's. Supposedly William had a good time. He likes Brian and Nicole and especially Jacky. They brought him home, and we lowered the crib because he puts his arms on the side and pulls himself some, but not up or over. He can't sit up unless there's a pillow on his back, so he can't get into that position to pull, and he can't pull himself over, but he's going to be doing that soon. So we lowered it a little bit. Paul, who was over, helped us out a little bit.

William is 7 months old today. Quite the whipper snapper.

150. Sunday

I love giving William a bath. I love feeling his body. He has such a cute face when he's in the water, it does something to him. Water in his eyes does not hurt him, if there is no soap. He looks really cute wrapped in the towel. I love rubbing lotion on him after the bath. After the bath he smells good. His hair can be a little wild after a bath.

Shantideva has a line about bathing the Buddhas in The Boddhisattva Way Of Life, and I thought of William. Nagabodhi asked me how has my dharma practice changed in having a baby. That's a really good question that could have lots of answers. I love being in the moment with him. We were talking today about Shantideva's text, and he writes about being a slave to others if that's what you need. That's what it means to be a Boddhisattva. Some balk at that kind of language, it has some pretty negative connotations. But I think I'm a slave to William. There are other answers to that question. He stretches me, in a way my spiritual life does too. He has helped me to understand more of the world. It's wonderful to just watch someone develop, and maybe that's not part of Buddhism, but you can see how someone is getting conditioned.

Sunday is Father's day. Diana has her class, and I'm often all alone with William. Virginia has helped out once. We're so lucky to have Clema, Virginia, Alex and Aida to help out. Clema takes care of William during the week, in the day time from 8:30-3:30, and then goes to work. She's essentially working 2 jobs, one for free. We owe her. Virginia provides resources like her house and gifts and even raw money. She shares her wealth in a surprising way. She shares her time when possible. Her weekend over night watching of William has given us the gift of uninterrupted sleep many weekends. Alex has watched William so I could go on interviews. Yesterday she brought a bunch of presents from her mom's. A new bath gizmo, a car sun screen, bibs, formula. She's bought many teething items for William which he loves. She's going to take care of William Tuesday through Friday unless my aunt Di asks to have a day. Aida is the least helpful to us, but she's also the one with a child, she's a single mother, and has a housing crisis at the moment. Others help out too, but these are the most I see helping us out.

Today all are out, and I'm feeling a little sick, but I can ignore it enough to take care of William, who is a little congested too. He hates the aspirator which sucks the snot out of his nose. But he wakes up sometimes when he can't breath, making tiredness another problem on top of the stuffy head.

Last night in exhaustion around 1, I laid down and tried to get William to fall asleep. I'd had a few false starts. Luckily Diana did not mind breast feeding him a little, which did the trick. I woke up at 6, right when the sun started to light the world a little bit. He drank a little and fell asleep very quickly. I'm not sure if Diana tended to him before she went off to class, but he woke up again around 9:15. Quite a late sleep.

I fed him breakfast and played. I put him in the swing while I did some dishes, until he got tired of it. I put him in the snugglie the other day to do dishes. He's waving around, trying to grab things. Diana said in one of her anthropology classes they said that the peasants who wrap their children and carry them all the time, make them passive. William is not passive, he tries to grab.

I continue to try to read to him, but all he wants to do is play with the pages, crush them with his hands, put the corners of the books into his mouth. Natasia read to him last night, keeping the book out of reach. She's so sweet to William. She makes him laugh. She went to change his diaper when Alex jokingly asked her to.

William is probably going to wake up from his morning nap soon, so I better post this.

149. Sick

William got a cold. He came down with it Wednesday afternoon, and was really congested. Thursday, he's gone back and forth, there were times when he felt better, but he also needed a lot of holding and cried easily at times. I sneezed once, and he cried. Friday he seemed to rally, but the cold seemed to go down into his chest. We've got a call into our pediatrician, but he seems OK.

William is able to voice his displeasure and try to get when he wants. He arches his back to not get into the car seat. He pushes your hand away, he moves his head, he really just tries to get what he wants.

Friday night I watched William while Diana got out and went to see The Incredibles. She liked it. Virginia was here, she said goodbye to William. She went on vacation to see Costa Rica and Ecuador.

I think I caught William's cold. My throat really hurts. I'm feeling pretty low. I'm tired, I got into an accident, there's trouble in the family, and Diana's grandfather is dying and her mother is going down to Ecuador to say goodbye.

148. Scribbles

William is talking in more diverse ways, making more different sounds. He's moving in much more complicated ways. I noticed his hands seem much bigger when I got back, and today I thought his head was bigger. Diana's mom said he took a 2 hour nap and then a 1 hour nap today, more sleep than usual. He cries when I leave the room, after I come home. Diana's mom thinks he's teething. She gave him some infant yogurt to eat, he's getting used to a lot of different new foods.

William woke up at 4, and then at 8. Diana's mom said he was very playful today. When I got home he was feeding, sort of. Really he was putting his food all over his face. I gave him a bath. He's fussy tonight.

William did his first scribbling. He took Diana's pencil and worked it over a sheet of paper. Crude, primitive, but his first work of genius.

I'm sure my lack of time with William is being reflected in these notes. I can hardly write them. Anyway, I celebrate him.

147. Retreat and Return

Driving away from William Friday night I had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, sort of like the one I had when I went to work the first day. I'd signed up for a retreat a while ago, and somehow it was this weekend. And I'd promised to drive people up. Ultimately everyone but Alyssa canceled, but still she wanted to go. I was planning on driving Nagabodhi back. It's a great honor to do something for such a wonderful dharma teacher. I've bowed out of a lot of things in my day, and I want to become a man of my word. But the pain was acute. But soon enough I was distracted, and the retreat went really well. I meditated a lot, learned a lot through lectures and small groups. I learned a lot more about the FWBO puja, which I'd already come to love on a Manapa retreat almost 2 years ago. And I learned more about Shantideva's text that it's based on. I got to be outdoors, eat good food, meet some really nice people, and see some old friends. And I got to get some distance from my first 6 plus months with William. And a good night's sleep. Alyssa drove, back, she's a good driver. I got to know Nagabodhi better.

When I got home Sunday evening, William was asleep. I got to hold him for a while, but I was glad when he woke up when I put him down in the crib. That's almost a certain way to wake him up, put him down in the crib. He gave me a special smile that I will never forget. And a nice one in the morning too. And a nice one when I came home today. He's such a sweety, I'm devoted to him. I vow to make the most of every opportunity to be with him. Tonight we're very exhausted and everyone is going to bed at 9.

146. Retreat

William can turn a light off and on.

I went to bed at 9:30, and William woke up again at 10. I put him down and he started crying, so I laid with him on my chest. He slept the night in our bed because he's a little feverish with his shots. He awoke again at 1. Diana decided to take the day off because she's so tired, and she wants to be with him.

William is soon going to outgrow his knit outfits, which are kind of nice and dress up. So she's been putting them on him today. He spit out some of the tylenol Diana gave him, that's red, and that stained one.

I hate to go away. I feel I'm abandoning William and Diana. And after a week of working. I'm going on a retreat for the weekend.

145. Doctor's Visit

Thursday night, William slept on Diana for a while, and then I took a shift. I love the way he smells after a bath. He is moist, from sweat and residual moisture from the bath. I read in bed and started getting very drowsy, so I put in him the crib. He cried once. Diana had to do report cards. I'm trying to finish A Primer Of Supportive Therapy. I can't stay up and watch the election coverage.

I checked briefly the Times web site when I got up at 3:30 to feed William. I put him down and he woke up again, so I laid in bed, and he woke up. Diana got up and breast fed him. She fed him again when she woke up later. He slept till 8 Wednesday morning.

Diana's mother made me lunch, expecting me to come again today. Opse. I was bogged down with work.

I met them at the doctor's. William is 22 lbs. We thought he would weigh more. He's 28 inches long. His head, height are 90%ile, weight is 95%ile. He gave us a list of food we can give him. Bubbub didn't like the doctor looking in his ear, and he was already crying when he got the 4 shots. He got a flu shot.

Diana is feeding him dinner now. I've skipped sangha night, and Pali Cannon study to spend more time with William.

144. Three Times

William is feeding. He's had a bath. I poured the water and he tried to grab it. He's still beguiled by water. He's had his dinner. He was breathing very hard through his nose, maybe he was playing with a booger. He should fall asleep. I'm so tired. I got up at 2:30 last night to feed him.

Two days of work and I'm very tired. My first day was hard because I really missed William. I felt it in the pit of my stomach when I drove to work. I could not look at his picture without having a pang of pain. Today I went over for lunch, so I got 35 minutes with him, and that felt better. It's different not to be around him so much, I miss the schedule. Last night I spent a lot of time with him, but tonight I find that I'm exhausted. That's what I don't like. It's easier in the evening tough, because we're both tired and want to be with him.

William watched Grandma Salazar, Diana and me vote today.