127. Bub Bub

William slept for 90 minutes, and woke up sweetly as Amaradeva called me. He seemed in a good mood, but I wanted to take him over to his Abuela's so he could hang out with her for a little on his half birthday. I did not want to give him up, but I'll see him all evening so it's no big deal. I spent the time figuring out what photos I want to backup and upload onto snapfish.

Diana worked late, she had a workshop to do, then she stayed to do some other work. I picked up William. The Philippine gentleman who lives on our floor, who says, "hello my friend," and smiles a lot, was outside. He asked William's name, and it turns out he's William too. He said he looks like me, then he said he looks like Diana. At home he grabbed, played, drank milk, and went to sleep. He woke up and after a while I put him on the bed for his 4 front to back roll over. Just as he stopped moving, Diana arrived. She was upset she missed the roll, and she wouldn't let him fuss so he would do it.

I didn't drink coffee today, and it wasn't so bad. Just one less distraction away from William. I've been calling William "Bubub" pronounced /bub bub/. Don't know why, but I like it. I also call him Wquack Wquack, like the guy who is the eye doctor in Minority Report. I did a little drizzle rap, as I took him over to Abuela's on Friday, because it was drizzling. I talk a patter to him, "here were are at the ATM, here is a envelope to hold," which he puts onto his mouth and flaps around, drops it, and later it is replaced by a pamphlet at the library.

Virginia came over. I was meditating, and I stopped when she came over. I've become someone who stops meditating. Friday I started, but decided I was just too tired. Virginia played with William, held him, admired his size. We all went to bed eventually, not the same one. Then Virginia got a call. I took Virginia to meet up with her friends. I was not asleep, and had to read some to go to bed. William would not go to sleep before Diana had to leave, so I had to get up at the brutal hour of 6:45. I guess it's histrionic to always say, "this is the most tired I've ever been." But I felt that way this morning. I made some coffee, but that does not work enough any more when I'm tired.

We had our usual morning routine, play, holding and feeding. He would not turn over for the camera. He cried, and then fell asleep, and slept for 45 minutes at 9. When he woke up later, I took him for a walk down Main Street. Lots of kosher stores, and I feel foreign. I ended up at the library and got some books. Trying to save money by reading library books. At the grocery store, an old guy said to me, "I see you have the boss with you." He's obviously had children.

126. 6 months roll

When I got home, William was in the bath. He's so cute, splashing and putting his toys in his mouth. He looks so cute and vulnerable when he's wet, somehow. He likes to play in the bath now, sitting up, instead of laying back and sucking on his fingers. I finished the disk of photos, but when I tried to make a web site, they said the photos were not jpg, even though they were. So no new web site due to technical difficulties.

William took a long nap, so when I got back from my meeting with Vajramati and Trebor, Diana wanted to go to bed after a while. She's so tired. So I stayed up with William, who does not stay up much past his mom's going to bed. But he woke up a few hours later.

He's not liking sitting with his toys, he arches his back. So I put him on the bed and then put him on his stomach, and he turned over that way for the first time. I got quite excited and looked all over the house for a new toy, but we don't have one, so I'll have to get one later. He looked at the book Di got him, which he still likes, because it is flexible. He likes things that he can manipulate and put into his mouth. I'm afraid he's bored with all the toys we have. I put him under the gym and he did that for a while, but got tired of it too.

I fed him oatmeal with apple and formula mixed in, as a half birthday treat. He's 6 months old today. Then when he got fussy, I walked him till he fell asleep. I show him the map of America. I want to put up the map of the world. We have a map of the western hemisphere, so he can look at that. But I want the whole world.

125. Tired, smelly

I've never been that tired in the morning when William woke up. He woke up early too, 7. I let him hang out in the crib for an extra 15 minutes until he woke me up again with a cry. He get heavy when I'm tired. He's also extra fussy, he seems to understand I'm not at my best and gives me a run for the money.

Yesterday was wonderful. I was with him all day except for 90 minutes when I went out. In the morning and afternoon. Diana came home and shared him with me. We went out again later, and got home late. He woke me up at 2:30 too, and I fed him some milk. He was thrashing and kept waking up every time I yawned and I was yawning quite a bit. Diana sensed my desperation, in part because I laid down in bed with him, and fed him, and soothed him. He fell back asleep. But he didn't wake up when she woke up in the morning and thus that is probably why he only slept till 7.

Of course he would not sit with his toys, and had to be entertained. I held him and walked a lot, and finally he went to bed again at 9, and napped for 45 minutes. But again, it was a cruel and hard awakening, even with his cute smiling face. Of course his cute and smiling face cures all. He's such a sweety, I can't be mad at him, but I say to myself, "I can imagine when people get angry at children because of their own anger." I have a lot more sympathy for other parents now.

Last night John said William looks like Diana. Some say me, some say Diana, some say himself. Even the guys thought he was cute. They were a little confused to see a little one at guys night watching sports. They would swear and talk dirty, and then say, "sorry William," as if he could absorb what they were saying.

Luckily we have Abuela. I took William over to his grandmother's. She's got him from 10-3, when Diana get there. Walking away I had a pang, I was going to miss him. He's so alive. I'll take this chance to take a shower and nap.

124. Boston Loss

When I came home from therapy, William was asleep. He's so cute when he sleeps. Diana was holding him. She holds him really sweetly. After a while she put him on the couch. I cooked dinner. William did a little poopie. He was scatting, he's vocalizing in more complex ways. Today he was sucking his thumb a little. Mostly he sucks his fingers, he does not focus on any one configuration. He goes for the finger or thumb closest at hand.

I took William over to Ray and John's to watch the ball game with Paul. He was pretty well behaved, but he started to get tired, and fussed. I had to walk him a lot. And then when the Sox got the game to 7-8, there was lots of yelling and he started crying. He was pretty stressed out by all the noise, but he was also interested in all the goings on. I've always hassled Diana about her family parties, but I took him to a loud event. John brought out some stuffed animals, and he calmed down but then started crying again. He could not fall asleep until we were in the car. And then he was out. He slept all the way inside, which is unusual for him, he usually wakes up when the car ride is over and I get him out. He was a tired boy. I'd better go to bed too.

William has been held by: Me, Diana, Virginia, Abuela, Abuelo, Aida, Natasia, Victor, Harry, Victor's old girlfriend, Angie, Venus, Veronica, Eric, Diego, Alba, Judy, Jimmy, Paquita, Jessica, little Jessica, Joseph, Jacky, Szolt, Bacha, Angel, Cecho, Jessica, Zane, Bridget, Grandma Parks, Grandpa Parks, Grandma Bell, David, Nancy, Benjamine, Whitney, Gretchen, Josh, Bobby, Ginger, Di, Wes, Charles, Laurane, Will, Bart, Kathy, Rich, Sita, Vajramati, Andrew, Cliff, Vava, Michael, Josephine, Jen, Ashley, Alex, Hector, Virginia's Alex, her husband, Paul, Lauren, Liz, the woman upstairs from El Salvador and tonight John. There are many more, I'm sure I've left someone out.

123. Crinkly Rattle Socks

William's scab by his eye has shrunken to a dot. He heals like a Terminator. He fell asleep, after a battle against it at 10:20. He was thrashing, yelling, and finally fell asleep. He woke up at noon, that's a good nap. But I still woke up tired. He played on the couch for a little while, while I snoozed. He didn't let me snooze long before he was arching his back. I fed him sweet potato for lunch and then bananas second. We played some, and he watched me eat, and then I took him for a walk. He fussed when I was putting some warm clothes on. I keep the sun out of his eyes, and we walked around the neighborhood some. When we got home, undressed, and settled in, I turned on the TV. He grabbed the remote, and I changed the channel to a kids channel. There was a cartoon with cute little songs, and I saw William laugh at the TV. But soon he was fussing and I fed him and he fell asleep. I put him down and he woke up, so I rocked him back to sleep. He slept for about 30 minutes. I put the crinkly rattle socks on him and he played with his feet until his mother got home. William really likes the book his great aunt Di gave him.

122. Leaves changing

The leaves are changing. This is William's first fall. I'm not sure he has a concept of season. In fact, I imagine you'd have to experience a few of them first before you got it. He feels the cold air, the more bulky clothing.

Virginia is going away next weekend. I miss her. She said, "what about my mother, Aida..." For some reason I see the weekends as Virginia time. I know I lean on her a bit much, but I really appreciate her efforts, and her love of William. I hope she has a good vacation, she deserves it. I'm going to go to a party Saturday night, and I'm going to drop of Diana at Aida's. Diana's class on Sunday, which is 8-4, is near Aida's place. Aida doesn't mind taking care of William for a little bit in the morning too. I think, I haven't actually spoken to her about it. She's pretty nice about taking care of William. Natasia likes him too. She's such a sweaty, I feel bad that I can't really spend as much time with her as I used to, because of William. She's growing up. If William ends up being an "unico" an only child, he will have many cousins, which is good: Natasia, Robyn, AJ, Venus, Emma, Nicole, Joseph, Brian, plus out of town Braxton in Georgia and Alex in Minnesota. Brian is technically an uncle, but he's in that age group. There will undoubtedly be more. Just like when I went to Will's soccer game, the coach asked me if I was Will's father. Nope, cousin.

William rocks his head sometimes. Last night he knocked his head against the chair, and cried some. It really upset me, but William was OK. Diana thought it was funny and inevitable.

Last night William went to bed early. But he woke up early in the morning. Diana got up with him at 4:50. William woke up at 6:30 when Diana was about to leave, so I drove her to school. She has a lot of work to do, and she got upset last night when I was not more accommodating. I have a habit of giving William to her when she is around. I need to break that, and understand that it's hard for her to do the work and ignore William. We also need to keep the house cleaner for him.

Diana was also upset because her grandfather who took care of her from the time her mother came to America, before she was 1, to the time she came to America at age 5, died 15 years ago, Oct. 11th.

This morning William would not let me keep the spoon, which slows down feeding considerably. William is getting more grabby. He holds his arms to try to get what he wants. He's also into arching his back, to get what he wants. If he's tired of sitting and wants to be held, he arches his back. If he wants to be walked, or whatever, all he has to do is arch his back to voice his displeasure.

Bridget just sent some nice pictures of Alex, Morris' daughter. Very cute.

121. Unemployed?

I marvel at William trying to grab hold of water. He's still figuring it out. We gave him a bath last night, and then Diana went to bed. William went to bed soon after. Diana got up at a very early hour and left for her class. William woke up around 9. I actually woke up before him and snoozed until he started waking up. He let out a cry and went back to sleep and gradually woke up. It's like he's giving me some time to get ready to get him. We hung out for a little while until Virginia came. Virginia just left with him, taking him to church. There's mass and then right after is Nicole's baptism. I'll pick Diana up from her class, and go over to the party later. Diana left me with the task of getting a savings bond for Nicole. We had a hard time finding an outfit for William. All his pants are too tight. We don't have so many non pajama long sleeved outfits. He's such a growing boy, we need to go shopping for outfits. Virginia bought him a beautiful snow suit for winter. She's generous with material gifts, effort and time. There are so many people that help out.

I curled up on the couch and watched the first half of the Giants game. Then I picked up Diana, and went to Nicole's baptism party. It was a good party, though I'm an old fuddy duddy, and I don't like loud music. William picked at the scab near his eye, and made it bigger. I slept with him for a little in the front room, which was the quietest space, until till the kids relinquished the TV, and then I watched the Jets game. William was passed around. Paquita, Jimmy and Veronica seem to enjoy William. I watched the game with Bill, and a guy who has an Ecuadorian wife that I've never met, or don't remember, who was nice.

Towards the exciting end of the game, they called me into the bedroom, they said William was almost turning over. On his chest, he pushes hard with his legs and puts his butt up into the air, but he does not yet get his arms, and thus can not turn over from that side yet. Diana, Aida and Virginia were amazed, but I've seen it before, and they blasted me for not telling Diana about this development. Sticking his butt up in the air. He did do it higher than I've ever seen it before, and is getting closer and closer to turning over that way. We don't really put him like that much. I do occasionally, but I prefer to sit him, which he's gotten better and better at staying in the position.

William eventually fell into a deep sleep, and Diana decided he was tired and needed to go home. I'm mum about that, because I think these parties are too much for him, but Diana does not. She says I'm projecting and I can't prove her wrong.

William slept on the way home, but woke up when we got home. He finally went to bed around 11, and Diana went to bed too. I went to bed a little later.

I woke up first at 3, but Diana insisted on feeding him. I went back to bed. He woke up later, and Diana jumped up again, so I sept in. I slept till 10, and it was wonderful. I got up and had some coffee and got the paper. But quickly Diana decided I had to hold William and we hung out for a while, while Diana got ready to go to her mother's. I've been lounging around since then, alone. I've got to look for jobs. I've been a bit slack since my 2 interviews. I really like spending time with William. It's overwhelming not working, with him, and I wonder how we're going to cope when I get a job.

William seemed especially full of energy this morning and kept grabbing things, my glasses, my hair, at pictures as I was walking him. He refused to let me put him down. Diana fed him a lot of oatmeal for breakfast and I'm going to have to maybe feed him more. He didn't eat anything but milk yesterday, because of Diana being gone, my exhaustion, the baptism and the party.

My mother sent me an anxiety-about-my-unemployment e-mail that got under my skin a little bit. She's a poster adult for the protestant work ethic. When I took unemployment she said I was the first one in the family to do so. I think she's wrong, and I'm not ashamed about it. I think working in the home is important work too.

120. Mob Boss

I woke up yesterday singing "fuzzy and blue". Paquita and Jimmy took William to Central Park. It was a beautiful day. They're the first ones to take William to Central Park. Saturday, William woke up at 7:30, and then went back to sleep around 9 and slept till noon. Little guy never does that for me, did it for Diana.

I swear he said, "mob boss" when I was holding him. He was talking and that woke Diana up. I got to meditate. When I got home from my dharma study, I took him for a walk and he fell asleep, so I turned around. When I took him out of the carriage, he woke up. I took a nap, and when I woke up, he was waking up from his nap. Diana is giving him a bath right now, I'd better help her.

119. Tired dad

I'm tired. William went to bed at midnight. Diana has gotten over giving up William, so I get to ride on into the night with him. I'm glad she's getting some sleep. He woke up at 3. He woke me up at 7. Usually it's between 7-8, but yesterday it was after 8, so he spoiled me some. Luckily I have my in-laws. I'm so tired right now, I wasn't really into taking care of William. Is that horrible? I don't think so, I feel lucky that he can be with so many people who have energy. Paquita was supposed to be coming over.

That gave me time to have some breakfast. I understand why it's a good thing not to be hungry right away in the morning. I made another web site with 4 photos of William. Here's the latest site: http://www.geocities.com/pinchmitra/photopagespiral9.html. Copy and paste into your browser, without the period at the end of the sentence. Replace the 9 with 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2 and go into the past. It was cold a few days ago, and I had to bundle him up for the walk outside.

William slept a bit when Diana came home last night, we even though he might be going to bed for good around 7:30. But alas, at 11 he was wide awake and thrashing away. He spent most of the day with me, so he kept looking at me. I love it when he looks at me. But when I hold him, he looks at Diana, so he just looks at other people.

At 3 he did not drink much, no more than maybe an ounce and a half, and then fell back asleep. But of course when you put him in the crib he thrashes for a while.

He woke up at 7, bright eyed and bushy tailed. He sat for a while and played with his toys. He fell over, and I didn't notice for a little while because I was reading the sports page. I always feel so terrible when that happens, but he's not hurt, he doesn't cry. He's sort of into it, I think sometimes. He likes to lay on his side. I put his stuffed dog there, so he has something soft to land on.

I put the paper down and attended to him. He took a nap, as I was watching Logan's Run. My scifi friends love that movie. He woke up 30 minutes later and I fed him oatmeal. He proceeded to put it everywhere. I cleaned him up and played with him on the bed. He likes to be tossed around a little bit, that makes him laugh. I wiggle his butt from side to side, his legs go back and forth. I try to give him variety and mix things up. But being tired, I didn't feel so creative. So when Diana's parents called, saying they were ready for him, I was relieved. Plus I like the walk over. It's another beautiful day. Time to take a nap though and recharge for this afternoon. Again the link is: http://www.geocities.com/pinchmitra/photopagespiral9.html

118. Bach

I went in to check on him, even though he was quiet in his swing. He looked at me, and held up his arms. "Take me dad." So I did. I walked him, had a little photo shoot, laid him on the bed, and then when he would fuss no matter what, I began the sleep walk. He made his new little high pitched whine. I walked him some but he still fussed, so I gave him a bottle, and he sucked it down and fell asleep.

He woke up 30 minutes later, and snoozed in my arms for another 5 minutes. We had some lunch: sweet potatoes and peaches. I got hungry, so I made myself some lunch, and he played quietly for a while and let me. We watched the Baby Einstein DVD of Bach. Usually he dislikes it after 10 minutes, but I sat near him and looked at him, so he made it all the way through the DVD. I wonder how much of ADD is from inattentive parents? We had a lovely afternoon filled with smiles and joy. Then his grandfather called, and I took him over. I have a job interview which I should be getting ready for. Wish me luck!

117. Coupon Book

Diana took a nap. She fell asleep sitting in her chair. Then she went into the bedroom. William slept for a lot of the time, and then drank a bottle and napped some more. When he woke up I changed his diaper and he sat and played with his toys. Then we started to watch Top Hat. Diana woke up and fed him and tended to his needs. But she quickly got tired again, bless her, and despite her desire to spend as much time as she can with William, she went to bed. William hung out with me, as we watched the evil empire win game 2, and then we watched Family Guy. He fell asleep, but not before he had a lot of fun with a coupon booklet from BJ's.

He woke up at 3:45. I went to the bathroom. I checked the TV because I thought I heard ringing. When I went back to bed Diana said he was awake. You could hear him moving. But he wasn't crying. I said, "feed him anyway?" She said yes and went back to sleep. He did not eat much more than 2 oz, and fell back asleep. But it was the kind of light sleep he awakes from when you put him back in bed. He was not fully cooked, so I enjoyed some more time looking at his cute visage while he slept on my lap. In a way, waking up in the night with him is a gift. He's so cuddly and cute when he's asleep.

Thinking evolutionary, I think my spending so much time with him, tending to him, developing feelings about his cuteness, has helped us bond. His smile rebounds with my smile and back and forth. Virginia says it's nice to see us bonding. As my father says, I'm not sure how much he's going to remember, but I am bonding with him. I could go on and on about how sweet, cute, precious, and adorable he is, but I'm trying to give that feeling just by writing about things.

Like now he's in his swing in his room. When I lay down on the floor, I go in and out of his sight range. He doesn't like that so he leans forward. He likes to be able to see me all the time. What a sweaty.

I fed him breakfast at 9, avoiding the whole nap or feed debate from yesterday. He played with his toys, and I held him and he went into all kinds of different positions and I made him laugh by rocking him from side to side. He enjoyed the BJ's coupon booklet some more. I've created a William iTunes file that has a variety of classic songs and different kinds of songs I want him to hear, including a mix of children's songs. I start the day with it on, and see where it takes us. I sent out the photo of the day.

I've been reading other blogs, and writing comments in them, because I want comments in mine, and you have to sign up with Blogger to make comments. Lisa Marie wrote some comments. She's an English graduate student in Madison Wisconsin. I like her blog site, you can go too: http://romanticcircussongs.blogspot.com/.

116. Resisting Sleep

William makes a high pitched whine when when he's tired now. Recently when he's been sleeping, he cries out a little, and then goes back to sleep. Today he woke up enamored of his hands, fingers and wrist. He woke up at 4. He wasn't too loud, Diana suggests that I don't pick him up right away. But I was awake. I fed him, and he still had his eyes open. So I walked him around some and he finally fell asleep. I put him in the bed, and he woke up right away. Since it was getting close to 5, Diana woke up and fed him some. She laid him down next to me, and he woke up later at 7:30. I watched him play with his toys and walked him, fed him, changed him. I went down and got the paper, but didn't read much. I wanted to look at him. He was very smiley, and sweet. I wanted to feed him breakfast, but I thought he was close to sleep. I ended up walking him for 30 minutes, for a 30 minute nap. He was cranky and fussed, it really wasn't worth the nap, because he resisted. I think I need to resist sleep more, I've been sleeping a lot lately, a lot in the post William context. Not so much in the pre William context. Diana resists sleep, and goes down quickly when she finally gets into bed. I took him over to his grandmother's. He seemed to like the walk. It's not as cold as yesterday. Giving him up is so bittersweet. I've never been more stressed out in my life taking care of him, but it's also been the most wonderful thing. I guess like many things, it's mixed. I hate to give him up, I feel like I'm abandoning him.

115. Paquita

William was very upset before he fell asleep and he's slept 2 hours at 11 this morning, with one wake up and a little milk before he fell back asleep. He's squawked a few times, but went back to bed.

He woke up around 5 this morning and Diana took care of him. Then she put him down by me, and he woke up around 7. I drove Diana to work. He woke up so I didn't mind driving her, but I was confused about how she got behind in time, she said she was washing bottles, but most of the bottles were washed yesterday, I'm not sure how she got off track that way. It's neither here nor there, I'm happy to give her a lift when he's awake.

He was OK coming home, and woke up when we got home. I played with him, and took him for a little walk. It's cold out, so I didn't keep him outside too long. I fed him his oatmeal breakfast around 9:30. We're making that breakfast time. I'll gradually move that down to 9. And I had to walk him a little while with some howling.

Yesterday he woke up around 4:30 in the morning, and I had the hardest time getting up, even though I went to bed at 8. Diana was so asleep that she couldn't wake up and say, "I'll get him," though she wanted to since it was close to 5. She took the bus to work on Monday. I had William all day, but Paquita came over. There was a mix up about us needing help. She took him for a long walk, and I took a few naps and read. People are always waking me up with phone calls. Diana's parents have a chicken in our freezer. Theirs is full.

Sunday night Diana had a hard time giving William up to his crib. Josephine wanted her bassinet back. She's about to give birth and is nesting. So now William is in his room, not our room. He's actually closer to me now, my side of the bed to his crib is a shorter walk than it was around the bed to her side. But for Diana there's a huge distance, that represents his growing up. That's also why she doesn't want him to get a hair cut, his first hair cut. She's aware of it and working with it. I respect her feeling.

Her father just came now to pick it up, Diana put it in the sink to unthaw. Diana's mother called 3 times while we were sleeping. I'm in a kind of cranky mood. Seems William picks up on the cranky mood, and does the inverse of what would help, and that's being fussy. Di said that children pick up on your mood and mirror it. I also found out Diana is going to be at her class from 8-4 on Sunday, so my 5 day week has become a 6 day week. Of course weekends and evenings I do a lot with William. And I do have Diana's mom, Alex, Paquita, Virginia and Aida. I don't know how I'm going to be able to handle going back to work. It's like you can't just go to work when it's your son. He demands attention, I notice how he coughs or drops things to stay in contact with me at all times. I'm a little tired from the meditation day I had on Sunday. Lots of good meditation, some break troughs.

He's getting bigger. The car seat is tight for him all bundled up with cold weather clothing. Diana says we'll have to see if anyone has a car seat before we buy a brand new one.

I got to see the pictures from his bath. They took the little thing out that he sits on, and just let him sit in the little tub, which supposedly he liked. He splashed a lot. There were a couple good pictures of that.

I walked over, and Diana's mother arrived in the car, and walked him the rest of the way. She says Paquita is coming over. Paquita takes care of Elizabeth's children. She's an expert baby tender. I tried to learn from watching her a little. She's very sweet.

114. Lost My String

My string from the Buddhist naming ceremony fell off. Only Diana, Virginia and Vava still have it.

I spent Friday with William. It was wonderful. And his looking at me a lot, seeming to feel comfortable in my arms, felt really good. I got more comfortable at feeding him. It was a good day.

Friday I woke William up 5 times. To go to pick Diana up from work. To go into Diana's school. To go to Will's game. In Di's apartment. To go into Virginia's house.

Will's game was good, Will is a good soccer player. Di came, and then we went to her place for dinner. She doted on William, which is nice. Bart fed him some formula. Di gave him a nice book, which he tried to put into his mouth.

I called Rich and my Grandmother Bell on my ride to my mitra meeting. Talking about William has brought me closer to others in the family. I told Jen and Alyssa about William too.

I reconnected with William at the hair salon where Virginia was becoming a metal head. She was getting her hair streaked, and they use tin foil. Diana balked at giving William a hair cut, though she said, "do you have the video camera?" which means she was thinking about it. But my not having it cinched it--no hair cut. His locks will continue to go into his eyes.

I brought him home, and I fed him carrots and apple sauce. I don't think he was so hungry. He always grabs the spoon, which makes it more difficult. He spread the carrots all over his face and hands, and shirt.

We played together, and the usual stuff. I watched the end of Waking Life, and then saw a talk by Malcom Gladwell, about his new book Blink that's coming out in January. Then William fell asleep. We have Jessica's sweet 16 party tonight, I'm worried about William's little ears, they tend to play the music really loud at these things.

113. Snuzzler

William was entranced by the iTunes visualizer. He was tired, so he began to cry and immediately fell asleep. But he liked it like I thought he would. He also got entranced by a wet cloth, I used to clean his face.

Diana was mad about the lack of car seat for 3 blocks. I should have said something then. We need to provide a united front.

The Snuzzler is some stuff, that makes his rides in his stroller more cosy. They've got all kinds of products. I see they have a diaper that keeps the moisture close, so kids feel when they go to the bathroom.

I decided to keep William today, no sharing with Abuela, and get over my fears of feeding him. It helped that he was chomping his lips. He ate some oatmeal for breakfast, and some sweet potatoes and pears for lunch. It went well.

Now I'm headed for Diana's school, to show him off. Then it's off to Wil's soccer game in the Bronx. Then it's dinner with Di and the boys. Then off to NJ or back home, I don't know yet.

112. No Car Seat!

Harry just came over. He wanted the car seat. I went out to get it. He said, "how's your boy Kerry." Much better than Bush, thank you.

Abuela was holding William, they had driven the 3 blocks without a car seat. If Diana finds out she'd kill her mother. Harry was trying to get me to walk away without looking at the car. Harry said they were like Mexicans packed in, his little Sentra. I asked him if he wanted a gas guzzling SUV, a manly SUV. I pointed to a Tundra parked in front of him. He said he'd like a truck. Emma and William in their car seats, Abuela, Angie, and AJ on her lap. Harry driving. I told him not to drive like his usual driving. I told him if a car is about to hit the side, he has to take the hit so William doesn't get hit. He said OK. I asked them if they wanted me to take William back. They said no.

They were going to get the dresses in Jamaica, for the children, for Jessica's sweet 16 party this weekend. It's a big party and all. I trust them, even though they're playing a little loose with my son for 3 blocks. I don't think that is a big deal, at least they came over and got the car seat. I don't think Diana would like it though. I'm not sure how to tell her about it. But I will.

111. Klein

William did not wake up in the night, for the third night in a row, but went to bed late. That seems to be the key to no night wake up. He woke up, and didn't want to eat, which is very unusual. He fell back asleep, and when he woke up again, he did not want to eat. He did not eat much when he woke up again, and he was burping, like he was having some digestion problems. Maybe that's why he grabbed my neck skin and twisted this morning, or maybe why he keeps taking off my glasses today.

I video taped him for a while playing. I try to stay out of it, but I have a hard time not commenting. I held him and walked him. I laid him in his crib and put on the crinkly socks. He can go for short periods of time without me, but not for long. I ate some breakfast in front of him. He was fascinated. I can't wait till he can eat with me, eat what I eat.

I wonder if that's going to be a nightmare for him now, me eating. Supposedly being eaten up by your parents is a fear of children. They want to eat and internalize, the good breast the bad breast, according to Klein. That sounds a little far fetched, but it sounds a little true too. Watching William, I have come to believe Klein wacky interpretations. I like the story of Karen Horney's kid going to Klein and putting interpretations into everyone's mailbox. She was not continued with Klein after that. In Klein's Narrative of a Child Analysis, she keeps talking in the most provocative way. I open to a random page, and I read this: "Mrs. K interpreted the stamping, shouting and angry scribbling as expressing his feelings that he had bombed and soiled Daddy with his feces and urine, that he was like Hitler marching and goose-stepping." That's a light interpretation by her, I think.

110. There for him.

Diana woke me up, she wanted a ride. The traffic was not so great because of all the flooding last night. We got a record amount of rain yesterday, more rain yesterday than the whole September average. William was awake in the car, but he doesn't complain on the ride home, because he's asleep.

He wakes up the instant we get home. He played for a while, and I put him in the swing for a while, and put some clothes away. Then I laid there and watched him swing till his mounting frustration and complaints got him out of the swing. I read some to him. He kept trying to put the books in his mouth. Then I put the crinkly toy socks on him and video taped it. Then I video taped him in his crib, and then feeding him.

I made the oatmeal too watery, and had to add more, and that's annoying because I want to learn how to make this oatmeal for him. I put a little formula and a little sweet potato baby food, to give it a touch of taste. He grabs the spoon, which makes it difficult to feed him. He chews on it, and then generally spreads around the food with his hands.

He was sleepy, but he didn't go down easily, and I called Abuela. She was disappointed William didn't come over yesterday, so I took him over.

Diana was angry with me, because I asked her to watch William for me for a little bit, and I was reading. I'm exhausted by the night time, and I want to read a little bit. But she's behind in her paper work and feeling lots of pressure. I'm not sure whether to cancel tonight, or to bring William to my dharma study with Vajramati. William woke up again before I fell asleep, and I came out and laid on the couch with him and finished my book.

Boy I'm tired. I should take a nap. I went and got some food, I don't really eat with William awake. I barely get to go to the bathroom. And I'm trying more and more to ignore the paper or anything, and just be there for him.

109. Swamped Mother

William slept from 1 to 7. Diana took the bus to work for the first time in 4 weeks. She gets rides from me and her father.

He woke up, drank some milk, and then went back to sleep for another hour. He got up at 8, and we hung out for a while. He likes to play with his hands and his feet. I put the crinkly socks on and he played with his feet that way for a while. His hands are so strong. He grabs my neck skin and twists. We watched a little of Sesame Street, and Jakers

He had another little turn in his diaper. He's been squeaking out angry little pellets. Meanwhile, I had to leave him in the crib for a while, while I dealt with the opposite problem. You'd think we were both in the anal stage, but William is into oral. Right now while I write this he has a chupa in his mouth and he's playing the foot piano in his crib. I have the monitor on to hear the building storm of discontent, before it gets out of hand.

Jeanne is dropping her rain on NYC today. I fed William some oatmeal with pears and milk mixed in a little bit. He likes to play and eat. He tried to suck the tray. He's good at keeping the food in, not spitting it out, but he's not so good at opening up and going with my ideas of how much he should eat.

He's taken 2 naps. One for 30 minutes, and one where he woke up, drank some milk, and went back to sleep and let me read some. I put him in his crib, which he'll be sleeping in next week, and turned on the monitor.

Diana's mother called. "Why didn't I bring the baby over?" I called and nobody answered. She sounded so disappointed.

He woke up, and Diana came home just in time, another bathroom emergency. I took a nap later, and when I woke up and he was in a weird mood. He was fussy and went through cycles of sleeping and wakefulness. He went to bed, and we were heading towards sleep and he woke up again, and sucked down a 4 oz bottle of formula. I fed him, rocked and then walked him back to sleep. Poor Diana is overwhelmed by work, and my not wanting to do much in the evening.

108. Light Sleep

Senior Poopy Pants. He went to the bathroom 3 times today. He never stops. He rolled over while he was with Abuela and Abuelo. He spent the day with them.

I'm missing him, my arms ache for him. I had an interview at Addabbo. I got to show Tina, Kathy, and Jeff photos of my baby. They feel like family to me, not in-laws or even friends I've come to see as family, because they can choose me, but I can't choose them. A work family, even though I haven't seen them since I left. It's odd. I hope I'm the best qualified candidate for the job there. I would really like to be reunited with my work family. If not there will be others.

Sunday Eric and Diego got to hang out with William. Veronica, Abuelo, Abuela, Aida and Natasia came. There was a family gathering. I took William upstairs because I thought he was over stimulated. Upstairs, he kept looking around, like he expected something to happen. I read that as him wanting to see what's going on. I took him back down stairs. Diana said, "were you projecting?!"

Jeff said his son started sleeping through the night when he got his own room. William has one more week of the bassinet in our room. Josephine is getting close to her due date, and she wants it back. We could have taken it apart and taken it to Virginia's last week, but I didn't want to. Even though I try to embrace change, my heart sunk when Virginia said he might be cutting his first tooth. What milestone is that? Diana says he can sometimes be rough on her nipple. I said take him off, shape that behavior quickly. She laughs at me.

Don in Seattle says I need to read to my baby every day. So I read him some of the book I was reading, while he wiggled on the bed. Later he fell asleep and Diana put him next to me. He usually wakes up from his first attempt at sleep, so she didn't put him in the bassinet. He arches for food, then gets angry when it's not there. I take him to his momma, and she feeds him.

William has the cutest outfit on when I come home, after Bob has helped me with my flat tire. He has on a kind of Hawaiian shirt and shorts. Diana says, "they're one of Aida's sister's clothes she gave us, that still had the tags on, they were never worn." She also said Natasia called up all excited that William had turned over. I have a pang of guilt because I didn't spend much time with her on Sunday when I saw her, I was too wrapped up in William or my book.

William sometimes gets distracted by his hand, by his wrist. Tonight he turned around and smiled at his mother. He likes attention and smiling can get it. Bob says they a good photos, he smiles for the camera.

William went to bed, but he woke up after midnight. He thrashes for a while, you hear the thump of his feet as he lifts them and lets them drop. He grunts, and sighs and breaths heavily. But last night I could not really hear that over Diana's snoring, so he had to give a little cry. Back to bed for me.

107. Hazel Eyes

Last night putting clothes on the drying rack with Virginia I was just awed by how cute his little clothes are. Women used to coo and ah over baby clothing, but I never really got into that. But putting his clothing onto the drying rack, I began to do that.

Last night for dinner he had carrots and later bananas. The bananas did not taste too much like bananas to me. Diana bought organic baby food for William. She's such a good mother.

He seemed to fall asleep, but he rebounded, woke up and fed and lingered for quite a while.

He let us watch Runaway Jury last night, which I ended up liking more than I thought I would. With Matchstick Men last weekend, I had a dream of a complicated scam, where I get caught at the last minute.

Virginia says he did not wake up until 6 to be fed. He was tired last night. Shopping, being out in the world is rather tiring for him.

Diana says his eyes are turning hazel. I think they are not as grey as they used to be, and she may be right.

Diana put him on the ground (with a blanket beneath him) and tried to entice him to turn by putting the toys out of reach. He decline the opportunity. We fed him oatmeal for breakfast. A little of the fruit and milk mixed in. My mom said I wouldn't eat oatmeal unless some fruit was mixed in. I called her as she was driving back to Santa Fe, after a sister's reunion. My mother says, what is the new thing he's doing, and that he's a genius. She's too funny.

I went nutso again taking more pictures of him last night and today. I uploaded more photos on Snapfish. I created a file of copies of favorites. Virginia is holding William now. Diana is taking a nap. The family is on the way over to celebrate Abuela and Abuelo's wedding anniversary. They're going to give them the family photo they shot.

Sitting up here typing away, I'm yearning for William. My arms yearn for him, to hold him, to hug him, to feel him squirm and try to get what he wants.

106. Tooth?

I haven't written in a while. I like it, but sometimes it can be a bit much. Thursday I took care of William from the time I dropped Diana off at work (8), till she got back from a teachers store at 6:30. He did take a 2.5 hour nap, which made the last hours easy. Quite a long nap. That was a long day, but wonderful. I would not naturally choose to take care of him alone for such a long time, but somehow it worked out, and I didn't feel like aggressively looking for help. But the next day I let Abuela take care of him all day. Now it's the weekend, and Virginia helps out. Tomorrow the whole family will be here.

Developments: It looks like William might cough for attention. He coughs quite a lot at times, and he's figured out it gets us to look. Diana and I had the thoughts independently before we spoke it.

I fed him alone, and there's a web site of it. He had sweet potatoes. Rich says it looks red, but it's orange.

He makes the peace sign. He holds up two fingers. I think he likes the way it looks sometimes.

Thursday night there were 3 bottles of formula left, I didn't imagine with Diana home, we would run out. But he stayed up till 1, and there was only half a bottle left. Diana woke me up at 6:30 to tell me that. She left, with 4 hours sleep, for work. Before she left, she called her mother to see if they had any formula. They did not. Since her mother was awake, I asked if she could get us some formula, even though she gets home at 2 in the morning from her job cleaning offices. Bunch of hard workers, these Salazar women.

She called me Thursday, she missed seeing William. She went to Veronica's graduation, that was why she could not help me, and then went straight to work. So she was pining to see William, so I let her have him. Virginia laughs when I say that I'm not sure how much to hold onto him, and how much to share. She says that her mother will never say she can't take care of William. And I have seen other's take advantage of her willingness to see her grand children. I do not want to do that. I hope I did not do that Friday. And what did I do? I meditated, made a web site, and then watched 6 hours of Angels In America, a very powerful play.

Last night Virginia took care of William overnight. I fell asleep early, and Diana came to bed around midnight. Virginia says William woke up at 4 for feeding. When we woke up at 8:30, they were awake. Diana got 8 hours, that must have felt good for her. I say this, not as rationalization for my actions, but as appreciation of strength. I think women don't need as much sleep. Virginia functions fine.

This morning I used Virginia's digital camera to take a whole mess of photos of William. I uploaded them to Snapfish. I really hope Snapfish does not go out of business. I have a lot of photos stored there. I guess we have backups on her computer and mine, but all this digital information. I should buy a backup disk drive. I ordered hard copies. He's such a cuttie.

When I didn't see him from 8-3 on Friday I missed him terribly. They have gone shopping with him, and he's been gone for a few hours. I can't wait to see him.

I had a horrible sinking feeling when Virginia said she felt a tooth. It might just be a ridge in his gum, but he also might be cutting a tooth.

105. Bam! Bam!

William cried when Diana went to the bathroom, after she got home. William cried when I went out. He's starting to get attached to us. He's not consistent. But he's doing it more and more. Like holding the bottle. When he holds the bottle, he wiggles it back and forth some. He likes to move his wrists. He moves his fingers and wrists. He's holding the bottle more consistently.

I went to bed very early last night, and when William woke up around 2:30, I had just woken up from a dream. I don't even think he woke up, he just kept thrashing and thrashing, grunting and sighing. I thought I'd feed him, because I was awake, and he seemed close to being awake. So he drank the bottle of breast milk with his eyes closed. I changed his diaper, and he finished the rest of the bottle. I walked him for a while to make sure he was asleep, and then when I put him down, I meditated for 30 minutes. I was so jazzed up, that I had to read for a little while to fall asleep.

William woke up close to the cut off time for Diana not to breast feed him. I had to get him out of the bed, which is always very hard somehow half asleep. He seems so heavy. She fed him, but he did not fall asleep. She laid him down next to me, and he proceeded to whack me in the face a few times, until I moved away from his arm swinging. He seems to be into being "bam bam" today, he was whacking himself in the leg, and I worried he would get a bruise. He's really physically active today, the most I've ever seen him.

He woke me up early, and somehow I was very tired. How can I wake up easily in the night, and then not so easily in the morning? I think it has to do with sleep accumulation and patterns.

He took a short nap with me. Then he played with his toys, and watched some PBS. At one point I changed the channel, to watch some sports news, and when I picked him up, her grabbed the remote, and started changing channels. I helped him to pick a kids channel, and he lost interest in the remote. Great, now he knows he can change the channel to something he likes. Before he just liked the colors, he would watch sports news with me. Now I'm going to be watching more children's programing. I do like some of it, Sesame Street, which is designed with the idea that parents are watching too, unlike Blues Clues which is designed with only the children in mind. Blues Clues is one of the most researched TV shows in the history of TV.

He rolled over on the couch. He went from back to front. Don't tell Diana, she'll want to see it herself for the first time. He's got a lot of energy today, he's wiggling, bam baming, and generally rocking and moving a lot. I took him for a walk, because he lays there when I walk, and it's good for me, and I hope good for him. We walk our block and then 2 more blocks and back. Not too far. I like to get out in the morning and the evening. I've been wearing shoes with socks for the first time in a long time. It's fall today, but it's getting warmer. I think the seasons should be based on temperatures, not dates in the calendar. I took him over to his Abuela's, because I've got to call to make an appointment for an interview. I should have 2 good interviews, good potential for a job amongst them. I'm hopeful. He was so cute, though, he seems to get cuter when I'm saying good bye to him. I'm still very ambivalent about going back to work.

104. Sleep man!

William got up and I had to get up and get going. It's different getting up and going when with a child. I dropped William off at Alex's, and went into the city for my LMSW exam. I passed it, now I'm a LMSW. I got back there at 3:30, and William was asleep. He slept in the change of arms, slept in the car, and for a while at home. He woke up and we hung out until Diana got home. She said hello to him, hugged and kissed him, and then went to the bathroom. He cried when she went to the bathroom. When I went to therapy he cried when I left. When I got back he was in his high chair, eating. He fell asleep at 8:30, which means a 2 wake up for a stomach refill.

He slept for an hour, ate, awoke at 3:45, and then again at 7:30, and slept again till 8:30. He took a nap from 11:05 to 1:15. Quite the sleeper today. I took him over to his Abuela's some some grandma time, even though she has to go to work soon. Diana just called, she can't pick him up so I called Grandma and asked her to bring him over. I've just barely eaten lunch and made one phone call about a job and sent off one updated resume, and now I've got a little time to blog.

This morning he played with his toys while I glanced at the headlines. Then I walked him and fed him some more, and then I took him for a walk. Then I gave him a bath. During the bath he started crying, so I didn't get to wash his hair. I was worried he was cold, but I think he was hungry, because he sucked down a bottle. Then we took a long nap. He's so cute and adorable.

103. Super Sleep

William slept 13.5 hours! I'll say he was tired. He woke up to the coldest his home has been, and I put on some long sleeved clothing for him. He drank a bottle, and then I went to the grocery for some toilet paper, which we ran out of, and took the long way home. It's a beautiful day. He's a bit intrigued by the longer clothing. He keeps bending his wrist back and forth, to see what happens to the sweater.

Diana says he woke up at 2:30, 5:30 and 7:30, finally waking up when I was awake at 9:30. Diana says at the 2:30 feeding he fed for 45 minutes. She was falling asleep, and trying to pull him off the boob, but it was like he was saying, "I finally got the boob, I'm not letting go."

Diana says William had a massive poop yesterday, 8 on the rating scale (Cliff has referred to it, so I include it).

Diana is taking William to church. She was asked to be Nicole's godmother, but she does not go to church enough. Her mother is going to stand in proxy. But she has to go to church to get a note saying she's a member, and her confirmation certificate. I should have gotten together with Gretchen last night, even though William would have howled all the way there, and then slept. She's been around the tri-state area (Conn., NY and NJ), but we haven't been able to hook up, and it looks like we won't.

102. Bitter tears

William got up at 8, with one night wake up. Diana got up both times, she's trying to breast feed him on her days off. Diana read the post about the tiff, and got upset. I wanted to read aloud the line, "I don't really think that." But she feels how she feels, talking usually does not help. I went off to my dharma group.

My dharma group lasted a long time and I got home late because i drove people home, because of all the flooding in the subway, and Diana was in a rush to go out to a concert. She was upset and yelled at me, when I was a short with her. After she left, I went out to get formula, we were all out. And when I got back, William cried and cried. His horrible crying jag, where he is inconsolable. I hate these crying fits, and this one lasted for 30 minutes. He finally fell out, and I watched Matchstick Men. An OK movie. He's still sleeping. He woke up once, and fed, with his eyes closed. I guess he's tired. I put him down twice, and he woke up immediately, so I held him for a long time. I put him down and he slept, but he woke up a little, and I held him again. There's nothing so wonderful as holding a sleeping William. He's so cute. I love my boy, and Diana, even if I do piss her off sometimes. I don't like to.

101. Tears

William got up at 7. I fed him, but he didn't eat much, unusual, given he had not woken up in the night to feed. I let him play for a while, and then I tried to feed him some more. He did not eat much, not more than 2 oz total. So I played with him and walked him. I picked him up, and he puked all over me. He's been burping a lot and farting, and I think eating peas and pears yesterday has been a bit of a shock to his system.

Diana woke up and tended to him, though I was hoping to let her sleep in. He fell back asleep around 9:15, but slept about 30 minutes and woke up. Diana put him in the crib and he played the piano with his feet, while we listened to his compositions on baby monitor. Diana ate breakfast, and I unclogged my wax clogged ear (#3 since William was born--better check that out). Then suddenly plans emerged, she had to get over to her mother's. So zip, she ran out, and now I can study, though now I just have an ache for my missing son, who pushed me away and held out his hands for her, much to her pleasure.

Last night when he cried when I walked away and stopped when I came back, I finally began to feel a kind of affection from him, somehow.

I picked Diana up from shopping and we drove into Manhattan to the East River Park, to see Bart's soccer game. We waited at the wrong field for a while, and then walked down to another one, where Friends was playing Trinity. Trinity won 4-0, or "nil" as Will said. It was fun to watch, but I was partially occupied with William. Bart got a little hurt, and he argued with the ref once. It seemed like a small field and Bart was in on some plays, he seemed to play well.

I went to dinner with Will and Bart. They woofed down their food like teenagers, and I had to wait till William got his fill of formula. It started to get loud at the bar, and one guy said to his rival, "I'd beat you up, if there wasn't that little girl there. People mistake William for a girl because he has long hair. A woman stopped us at the soccer game, and said, "my son had hair that long!"

Bart went off to visit a friend and I drove Will home. I went up to Cliff and Vava's and visited them with William. They are kind and interested in William, which is nice.

He cried all the way uptown in the car, and it was torture. He cried coming home too, and there were tears in his eyes. That kills me. There's nothing I could do. He was fed, and had a clean diaper, he just wanted comforting, but he had to make that distance without me in the child seat, in the back. I dislike traveling alone with him. I got home, and Diana got home soon after me, and he was happy we were all at home together.

100. Peas

William's first non-milk meal was peas. Abuela cooked up some pea soup peas, without the skin, and he ate it. He made a face, but thrashed for more. I video taped it, and Diana held him, and Abuela fed him. I gave him a huge spoon full, which he spit out and spread all over the place. It's going to be quite a mess when he eats. More laundry, more baths. He put some peas in his hair. I didn't get a picture, that's my next recording job. I thought video of the first one. I think Virginia might come over tonight to feed him today too.

Then we tried the mashed pears. He ate a bit of that too, Diana wouldn't let him finish the jar, he could only eat half. Then he drank some milk, cried and fell asleep. We walked home, and he slept in the carriage.

Diana says cereal in the morning and vegetable and fruit, in that order, for lunch and dinner. He'll begin meat at 6 months, I could not convince her to have William be a vegetarian.

99. Tiff

Diana might be mad about me writing about this in public. I have to take a practice exam, and I need to clear my head a little bit before I do so. Diana let me sleep this morning and I woke up leisurely. I was gearing toward studying, but Diana wanted help, which I don't want to begrudge her. I was changing William, and I left him on the changing table, and she got mad. She does not want me to do that, leave him unattended on the changing table. I agree with her, but sometimes I dash here or there. This time to see if she approved of an outfit. She didn't and I put his tie died onesy on. But she got very upset at me. My point, which I'm sure did not difuse the situation is that, nothing happened. No harm, no foul. She pursued the line of what if, and I persued the line of history: Nothing has happened, no need to get angry. Plus I agree with her.

When I go over later to Abuela's, where they are now, we're going to feed William for the first time, something other than breast milk or formula.

Last night Virginia came over, and I went to bed early. I got a lot of sleep last night. Diana, the opposite. I'm not being a baby, or not so much of a baby, I need some sleep to study for my exam. She has a 4 day weekend. Once this is over Monday, I've got no reason to expect special treatment. I did not even ask for it, she gave it to me. And with Virginia over, she had some company. I wonder if she's afraid I will leave it all to her. On the other hand, she comes home and relaxes, and doesn't pick up William right away and leaves messes, and I think, "you come home from work and you want to relax! What have I been doing all day?!" Like an agrieved housewife. But I don't really feel that way. I'm sure her backlog of complaints about me and my lack of them, means the balance is way in my favor. I'm trying very hard to take care of William and her.

William meanwhile is as cute as ever, with his smile, his wiggles, drool, and his talking to the hand (because it understands?).

98. Attachment

I thought it was coincidence when he cried when I walked away at the pool the other day. I thought Diana was just trying to make me feel guilty when he cried when I walked away. But he cried tonight, and then when I got closer he stopped, and when I walked away he cried again. He doesn't like it when I go away. Yikes. I thought that wasn't supposed to happen for many more months.

Diana came home and conked out. William did too, and I held him. He slept on my chest, and then I rolled him off. He started rooting when he woke up 5 minutes later, and I got Diana to breast feed him. I skipped my sangha meeting to stay at home and help Diana. It's almost 9, and he's asleep. I think he's moving towards the 14 hours he's supposed to sleep, though it's only 13.5 today. Pretty amazing.

He holds his arms back sometimes and leans back from my body when I'm holding him. He seems to point. Like he can direct me. He holds his bottle, and puts it on the side, and chews on it, and groans a little. I think he might be teething. When he plays with his toy, he uses all 4 graspers, 2 hands, 2 feet.

97. 5 Months

Today William is officially 5 months old. Our doctor said he can eat hard foods, but Diana wants to hear him say it again, I think.

Last night Diana cried because William didn't want to breast feed, then he took a bottle and fell asleep with me. I think she's feeling less connected with him working.

William went to bed at 8, and woke up at 8, with various feedings that he mostly slept through, one at 9, and one at 5. I woke up and he hit his rattles, while I read the paper some. Then we watched some Noggin and sports news, while he also played with one of his toys. I walked him a little, then put him in the carriage and we went for a walk around the neighborhood. When we got back, I read him the story of Three Little Javelinos, which is the three little pigs cast in the south west. It's in Spanish and English, I'm going to read the English and Diana is going to read the Spanish. My mother gave it to us.

He had a big poop in his diaper when I changed him. Through some combination of luck, I've not seen a poopy diaper in a while. I fed him a little more and then showed him all his rattles and whatnot on the bed. He started crying and I walked him till he fell asleep.

I just heard him gasp a little on the monitor, no wake up. You can really hear well with the monitors. Not like I couldn't hear him without it, but it's another layer of safety. He's sleeping now. Sleeping so much I would think he would not sleep much today, but he's been down for a little while, 20 minutes already, past the short nap length.

I continue to try and give my son safety, comfort and stimulation so that he can develop well. I think I'm a bit reluctant to try very very hard to find work, because I'm going to miss him. When I pass my license exam, though, I'll have little to hold me back at going all out for a job. I had a dream where the party was over. I can empathize with Diana missing William at work. I joked that she's not with him when she sleeps, but that's not an empathetic response. I know how hard it is to leave him. He's such a sweet boy.

96. Crying jag

Sunday we had a photo shoot of the Salazar children and grandchildren. It's a surprise, but I don't think they read my blog. My mother doesn't read my blog either, sad to say. I have to fill her in on the phone on the weekend. I can tell by her questions. People liked my new web site of William: http://www.geocities.com/pinchmitra/photopagespiral7.html. My friend Scott Hamilton says he looks like me. Many people remark on the hair. Some ask how I know he's a Mets fan.

Remember, since I'm giving info, you can e-mail me comments if you don't want to write comments on the blog, at steve@fwbo-nyc.org. Last factoid: I've written over 27,000 words in my blogs. I was reading in the Times that there's a place where you can get a book published for $150 for 10 copies. Maybe I'll print up the blog for people. Maybe I'll just let it hang in the void of cyberspace.

Sunday, after the photo, V and D took the kids to McDonalds to play in their play zone, and then to Abuela and Abuelo's. Natasia, Robyn, and AJ are "all up in his grill" but I like their enthusiasm for him. So I got a lot of free time, which I squandered watching football, and used well by taking naps.

William woke up at 3 last night. Diana left at 6, early, getting a ride from her father, to set up her room for the kids today. William woke up at 7:30, and then later had a bit of a crying jag. I think he missed his morning mommy. The 3 wakeup probably filled him up, and he did not wake up. He slept for 20 minutes and woke up happy. I had a horrible dream that he woke me from at 3, that I probably would have forgotten if he had not woken up.

I took him over to Abuela's so I can study today. I hate to have to study, but I need to pass my exam.

Angelique asked if William is turning over. I read in my calendar, "turning over? first tooth?" on Tuesday for 5 months. I entered any milestone expectations into my calendar. Maybe he's a slow turner. Diana thinks he's going to go from back to front, and I think the opposite. I had him on his chest a little yesterday and he puts his butt way up in the air and moves himself around, but he doesn't use his arms. He's reaching for everything and has lively eyes, so I'm not worried. He has a sweet disposition so far.

95. Out

Diana was out last night, she did not even hear William cry, which is unusual for her. I was still falling asleep, when I heard a cry at midnight. I got up and fed him a bottle. He drank it with his eyes closed. I fed him breast milk. Good Diana pumps and puts it in the fridge. I rocked him in his sleep for a while. He so sweet. I feel so greatful he's here, these have been the best 5 months of my life (not technically 5 until Tuesday). He's so sweet. I just melt when he melts in my arms.

Diana did get up at 3 and 5. He went to bed early, 9:30. He's been going to bed earlier since Diana started working. The riggors of the working week are a strain on us all, he absorbs what in the atmosphere. But when I woke up at 7:30 this morning, he was so sweet. I smile at him, and he smiles at me. I lift him into my arms, and he sort of opens his eyes, and gives into what he can not control, then is locked in. I love the feel of him in my arms. I'm very lucky.

I sat with him while he played with one of his toys. He does a little bam bam. He moves his wrists back and fort, too, like he's discovered a new joint. He gets frustrated with the toy, he sighs. But when I take it away, he follows it with his eyes, and reaches for it back. His hair is wild, and I can't see his face when he's sitting with me, but I love the proximity to him.

Diana went to work to fix up her room. We dropped William off at Abuela's. William was happy to see her. He feels her face. He's into feeling faces, and taking off glasses. I'm going to meditate, and then it's off to meet with the mitras and meditate some more.

94. A cold one

Diana says William sometimes doesn't want breast milk sometimes, because he's "too hot." I wonder at that, but I have to trust Diana. She doesn't like it when I'm "sceptical". Today, Diana's mom said William was drinking cold milk, and he finished the bottle, and she poured a new one, from the uncooled formula bottle. He refused. He likes a cold one, even though today is nice and cool.

Out of desperation in the morning when he wakes up crying, I would feed him what ever was handy, after a particularly painful wait for breast milk to unthaw. Perhaps he has developed a taste for it.

Diana says William is very happy over at his abuela's. I should go over and watch what she does, see if I can pick up any new tricks.

I slept 90% of my study time, but I did get some studying done. Little tyke is a great excuse not to study though.

93. Sweet Boy

Diana went to bed very early, and did not wake me at 2, when William woke up. She woke up at 5, too, but stayed up because she wanted to go to work early so she could fix her room up for the students on Monday. I felt agrieved when I woke up early, but quickly got with the program. Who can stay grumpy from lack of sleep with such a sweet boy and a wonderful wife? So I took Diana to work, and brought William home. We watched some DVDs: Baby Einstein's Beethoven, and Baraka. I put him in a Mets outfit and took some pictures. He lay on his back and swatted at rattles, and I put him in the swing until he fussed. But I took him over to his abuela's very early, 10, so I could study for my test. Better do that. I must try to forget the surprise and confidence he shows when I pick him up and he goes flying through the air, to land in my arms.

92. 8 oz.

William just drank 8 ounces of milk. I said, "that's a record, isn't it?" Diana said he's done that once before. He's pretty tired, we took him for a walk. I got a hair cut, and we went to the store for more batteries for the digital camera. When we were in the store, I was trying to take a piece of the packaging of the carriage off, and my hand slipped and I bopped William in the head. He cried, the tears were rolling down, and I felt horrible. I've never felt such awful guilt. I hurt my son. But it was an accident, and he recovered. When Bridget called and told me that Morris had a baby ( 8lbs, 9oz, 19.5 inches, still a girl--yippie!), she said the people in the store must have been judging me, for rapping my kid in the store.

We took the family shower. Diana gets in first, cleans herself, I join with William. We wash him, and then she gets out with him, and I finish up. The family shower. He puts his hand to try and grab the water. It freaked him out that it was not solid. Welcome to water. Very different. The wind freaks him out too, a little bit. He feels, but he can't see.

91. Vibrations

William took a 2 hour nap. He would wake up a little thrash for a while, and then go back to sleep the last 20 minutes. What finally woke him up was Abuela calling to say, "where is he?!" I dashed him over after putting a little milk in the tank. She got to change his diaper.

I woke up at 4am with William. Diana tapped me awake. He downed some milk, and was asleep, but when I put him in the crib he thrashed himself awake again. So I changed his diaper, and rocked him for a while. Then he slept on my chest in bed, and at one point, I rolled him onto the bed (not unlike today's nap) and he slept between Diana and I. I gave a ride to Diana in the morning. She was going to kiss me goodbye, and William woke up. Might as well take her. That's 3 days in a row, that's a record. William sleeps in the car on the ride home, and wakes up when we get home.

I took him for a walk on futile errands. We watched Winged Migration again, our favorite film. He looks at it for a while, the longest maintened eye contact that I can tell. Of course he might look at the TV some when I'm holding him and watching and he's quiet. But then he got interested in his feet, when I went to make some lunch. For a while he got into a teething toy that Alexandra bought him, that vibrates when you press down on it. He mashes down on it and gets it to work, which is interesting. He needs assistance getting it in and holding it there. But he's figured out how to get the vibrations going.

Then I watched a little of Me, You, Them, which is a Brazilian film about a woman who has 3 men to make 1 perfect husband. I watched some of it yesterday, and I caught some of the scenes I missed. It's hard to do nothing with William, but it's hard to do something, so there's a compromise between silence, radio, and TV that goes on throughout the day. I used to really hate missing parts of a film, but William schools me.

I put him in the swinger, and he allowed for that for a little while. I'm reading The Interpersonal World of the Infant by Daniel N. Stern. For some reason yesterday after my meditation, I had an urge to read psychology again, for the first time in a long time. I guess NYU has worn off. I got a little burnt out. He let me read a few pages, and then cried. But then he put his head on my shoulder, and I walked him some until he took his 2 hour nap.

90. Frances

The following people still have their strings from the circle of protection, that was part of the Buddhist naming ceremony: Me, Diana, Virginia, Aida and Vava. If Andrew's is still on I apologize, I didn't see it last time I saw him, but maybe he still has it.

William fell asleep for the first time on his own, in the crib. Diana said, "I'll believe it when he does it again." That brings up a point. There are little steps forward, but then there are things called "developmental moments" when things are the most important. He may have gone to sleep on his own, but it's not really what he does. He requires assistance.

He fell asleep with his binky, his chupong, in his mouth. I went in once, and his eyes were closed but he was still sucking. He slept 20 minutes for me, and 30 minutes for Abuela, and had a couple hour nap with his mother.

We had a good morning, and I read to him a bunch and enjoyed being with him, and then I thought I should bring him to his Abuela's so I could study for my exam next week. Taking him out, the storm formerly known as Frances, began to dump more water on an already soaked NYC. William got wet. At Abuela's, I said, "if he gets sick the next couple days, Diana is going to blame me."

When she got home, we went to Abuela's to get William Van Billiam. This time we brought the rain sheild. Diana found it. Our new carriage only weighs 9 lbs. instead of the 30 lbs of our other one. The other one was an SUV. This one is a sports car. I really like it. I like the gadgets, the stroller, the monitor.

I read some to William tonight, too. He tries to grab the pages, and beguiled by pages turning. He tries to crumple the pages. He likes the touching books much better. But I can tell he's atune some to the pictures and the language of my reading. He clearly looks at me when I'm singing. I need to get some songs to sing to him.

Gretchen says with William's long hair he looks like Johnny Damon, the Boston Red Sox center fielder. My little Johnny Damon.

89. Baby Monitor

Last weekend Diana bought a baby monitor. I just installed it in the crib and turned it on. Kind of cool. William took a 45 minute nap, after finally dropping off. I'm afraid he likes to sleep in his mother's arms more than mine. I try to emulate the Napinator, my father who's calm walk persistantly put him to sleep, but it takes great patience and is hard. There's nothing like a mother's knack. Diana hated to say goodbye to him, and go to work today. She said she would miss holding him. He, I am sure, misses being held. But lucky for me, that makes us closer.

88. 4:30 AM

It begins again. William fell asleep early enough so that Diana could hold him, though I later found out she thought I should have held him. She tapped me awake at 4:30, though I was awake. I got up and fed William, and rocked him to sleep. I slept on the couch for a while with him, and then put him back in his crib. Diana woke me at 7:15, because I told her I'd give her a ride the first day. I'm sure after a week I'll readjust. Right now I am writing in the hopes that it will wake me up.

In other notes, William is able to put his thumb and finger together. Before he put his thumb into his palm.

87. Assisted roll

William rolled off a surface, though it's not an unassisted flat roll. He was looking at me, and was rolling off the foot stool thing he was on, which is very wide, and held him except when he rolls a lot.

William has had many people taking care of him this week. Virginia in the over night, Aida, Diana, Abuela, Diana and I, plus others. I think he benefits from more people. It's pretty hard with just Diana and I. I've scheduled dropping him off at his Abuela's tomorrow so I can look for jobs and study

I've talked to a lot of relatives and friends today, having William is a kind of bonding agent with the rest of the family, it's very sweet.

I took him for a walk around here in NJ, and he was pretty tired from that. His mother is feeding him now. Her last day before work starts. I've offered to give her a ride, and make her breakfast tomorrow to ease her into the work world as best I can. I'm glad she can work at least. I hope to pass my test and work soon.

86. Visit from Cliff

My grandma Bell got a sound monitor before William did, but Diana finally got one. I asked her if that means we can move William to his room, she says, "not till he turns over."

I taped some of William today. We missed a few weeks of video taping him.

Cliff came over to see William. He said if he didn't come soon, he'd just grow up and he'd never see him grow up. It was a nice visit and Cliff asked good questions. How have I changed?

I would say mostly I've changed by being swamped with William's life. I hope to be less judgmental towards parents. I struggle with his strong emotions, just like I struggle with my strong emotions. I love little children now, and know how to hold him and comfort him. Each baby has a different feel.

Virginia has changed, in moving out here, by being more and more generous.

We went to the pool, and hung out on the porch. At the pool William cried when I walked away from him. When I said, "he's not supposed to do that till he's 8 or 9 or 10 months old," Aida said, "is that what you book tells you." That's what my professor told me, but I guess it's the central developmental moment around then. And we don't know if he really cried because he's attached to me, or his stomach felt hungry, or something else, he missed the movements I was making. But I think he is getting more and more attached to us, and more and more personality.

Virginia and Diana went to a movie. Aida helped me out, and took care of William especially when I drove Cliff home. Cliff asked me if I was scared I'd have a lapse of judgment with William, like the woman who left her baby outside a cafe in the stroller. I brushed him off, then later, drove out of the gas station and drove with my lights off for a few miles. Then I forgot to put the EZ pass back on the car, and will probably pay a big fine for not paying it at the George Washington Bridge. I've got zillions of lapses in judgment, I'm just going to try the best I can with William.

Abuelo and Abuela came over today. William is feasting in his Abuela's attention.

85. 101 Temperature

William had a doctor's appointment yesterday. He got 2 shots, one that the doctor was out of last time we went, and one that causes a fever. We held off on the fever one because we were traveling by plane the next day. So he's got a temperature of 101 and he's a little fussy right now. The doctor said it should all be over by 6pm today. We'll see.

I got up at 7:15 this morning. I fed him, walked him, fed him and walked him. He fell asleep, and when I put him into bed, he woke up. I went downstairs again, and Diana woke up. I felt like a failure, unable to let her get some rest. I had some coffee, and intended on staying awake, but I fell asleep. Coffee doesn't even work any more on me. Diana takes similar long naps if given the chance.

Diana and Aida are a little hassled, because Venus, Natasia and AJ are cranky, coming in and tattling on each other. Aida said, "is anyone injured and needs to go to the hospital??" When the answer is no, she says, "then don't tattle on anyone, go back out and play." Someone comes in and asks questions occasionally or accidentally tattles. They were up late last night, they were excited to see each other. I was annoyed with Natasia the other day, it's hard to have an infant and take care of other children. The children probably resent the attention he sucks up. Diana wanted the shot before she went back to work next week, so she could take care of him. My nap kept me out of it.

Aida said William farted while he was getting the rectal thermometer. He's a pretty flatulent boy, takes after the old man. He also psyches you out about diaper changes. V has some old size #3s, and we've been using them, even though they leave a kind of elastic line on his butt.

His hair is standing down, and he looks a little like those mushroom heads in a Dr. Seuss book. He grabs at the phone if you're on the phone while holding him. He's getting very interested in exploring his world. He was crying in the car ride over here to NJ last night, and D started jingling the keys, like Grandma Parks suggested when we were down south. It worked.

84. Sits up

William sat in his carriage today, assisted by the side and front. We were at Virginia's pool and he was into it, flapping his arms, being excited about it. I don't think he could really comprehend us swimming in the pool, or the work men building houses near by or the big geese in the lake, or even the dark clouds in the sky. But he certainly liked playing with his foot, and sitting up.

The morning he woke up and was looking at me (when V brought him in--bless her for taking him over night and letting D get some sleep). He was looking at me downstairs later. And then when he was sitting up, he was looking at me. He seems to be looking more at things, faces, everything.

William's scratch near his eye was healing quick, but he put another one right by it in the morning and then put one on his forehead driving back from the pool.

We watched Winged Migration, a movie that documents flying birds, and he seems to pay attention to it. I say it's, "our favorite movie". But he wasn't into the big geese far off on the lake by the pool.

Virginia was working from home, but would sometimes come downstairs for a break, and once she took William up to her office and worked with him on her lap. Bring William to work day.

The other day Diana came home with a blanket hanging down off William like a cape. Super William.

He likes to be upside down sometimes. Can't figure that out yet. Wonder if he'll become a diver or a gymnast, or something that involves being upside down.

83. Sleepy Boy

William has slept a lot today. He got his usual 7 hours (8.5 the night before), and then napped before we went to NJ. Then he napped on V when he got here. She was glad to see him. She thinks he's big, but skinnier, after not seeing him for a few weeks. We had a bunch of people here, Aida's friend came with her 3 children. We went to the pool, and I had fun playing with the kids, but I'm tired and sore now. William's doctor suggested we keep him out of the pool, so V took him into the AC club house. He laid a big poop, and then took a nap. V put him face down, and I rolled him all the way back home in the carriage that way, and he didn't wake up. He had a tiring day yesterday with the BBQ and being at Abuela's place. D tried to see a movie (which ended being sold out) and Aida stayed with me. William pitched his grade A mongo fit, and cried for 30 minutes. The fit that made me call her home, the fit that made my father cry when he was holding him through a short 7 minute one. He went on for 30 minutes, pausing to gather his energies to keep going. I did a shift on it, and D came home a little after he fell asleep. So he was tired. To my knowledge he only pitches those fits when he's really tired. He won't eat, he's got a clean diaper. Not sure really though what the trigger is. His mother can stop them, for the most part. Not sure how, maybe by just being his mother. So maybe the fit helped him to sleep today. He had to figure something out by repairing his brain with sleep. Who knows.

The BBQ last night was nice because there was William, Emma and Nicole. Emma is roughly the same age (born before, but with a later due date). Nicole is much younger, a wee lass, though getting bigger. She looks like her father Zsolt. She had on the little hair ribbon, to mark her as female. D confessed she hates it when I keep bringing up the people who think he's a girl and that he might need a hair cut. I like his hair, but I'd like to trim it a little bit.

Emma seems to have gotten her front curly hair going, but not so much in back. She holds her arms up and has a large butt. She's not crying like she used to, which is a bit of a relief. It's nice to have so many babies around. Paquita loves to hold William and I love when people dote on William.

Alex got him some more teethers, which is nice. We keep ruining them by trying to sterilize them, and them bursting in the microwave or the sterilizer. They had a picnic and took William on his first carousel ride. I sent a picture to relatives and will upload it to the snapfish, which I've gotten into backing up my photos.

William is wiggling more, moving his heels and shifting himself. He twists to his side, but does not seem to really want to turn over. I think he'll be more motivated to turn over from his stomach. He's reaching for everything and takes a lively interest in all around him. He still vocalizes occasionally, but not like he did that one streak where he did.

I feel like I'm forgetting something, but I can always write it in the next one.

82. Mongo Poop.

William had his stinkiest poop today. Huge. I couldn't even stay in his room while he was changed. Yikes. I took the opportunity to take out the trash.

Diana fed William, and then gave him to me. William found his foot, and was playing with it. He also likes to press his lips together and make noise, which I call, "fun with lips". He's like his father, though, he can't bring his foot to his mouth yet.

Grandma Parks gave us a bunch of photos. Diana says I look like Zane as a boy. Diana is going to visit her mother, and take the photos over and see what she thinks.

81. Flight Home

William did not take kindly to the delay of a sick passanger. But I walked him in the isle and he charmed the stewardess, laughing with her. He slept through the whole flight. He was tired in the evening and fell asleep early and had a fitful sleep. He's sleeping now with Diana.

It's amazing how much he's changed since the visit. He's rolling to his side, arching his back and kicking with his feet. He reaches for everything in people's hands. I put him in the papasan, and he was trying to unbuckle it. He's reaching reaching reaching. Even in the crib he's reaching up and grabbing the mobile.

In Hayesville he was looking up at the sky, looking at trees. I went for a walk with him, and he turned his head to the sky a few times. Diana said he was looking all about our room, like he'd never been there before.

He had the loud anguished tired cry last night with Aida, but his mother quickly calmed him down. He also sometimes gets really upset when Diana tries to breast feed him. He's eating less. He woke at 7:30 and only drank an ounce of milk. Maybe Diana was up all night with him. I woke up at 6:30 and she was holding him. I offered to hold him, but she said she was all right.

It was a wonderful journey seeing everyone down south. He saw his Abuelo when he stopped by with some food, and he was reaching out to touch his face, looking at him. I like to think he was memorizing family faces while down south, he seemed to be doing so with his Abuelo.

He did not play much on his gym this morning. It seems too simple for him now. He's waking up...

80. It begins

William thrusts himself forward and backwards if you don't jiggle him. He likes movement. He also likes hanging upside down. Sitting next to great grandma Bell, he pulls her magazines off, he reaches for everything. He's got a funny little thing where he moves his head back and forth. He likes wind in his face. When he doesn't like the way he's being held, he arches his back, and plants his feet when he can.

Grandma Bell thinks he looks like nobody but himself, not me or Diana or Grandpa, whom he's named after. Grandma seems to be well taken care of here, and that's good to see. Ginger stops by, she gets calls from the out of town daughters, she has a nurse and a local woman who helps out. Bobby keeps up the place, and she's got a dog and goats to take care of her. She seems to like William, which is nice.

79. Braxton

I've just spent Tuesday to Sunday with Zane, Bridget, Grandpa and Grandma in Newnan Georgia. It was wonderful to be in the belly of the family and to meet Braxton, Whitney's son, within a few weeks the same age as William. Braxton was a sweet boy. David, Nancy and Benjamin were also present. Though they hate Braxton's father, Eric, I shook his hand. We celebrated my grandparent's 62nd anniversary. Yikes! Four generations together, quite amazing.

Braxton turns over, but William does not yet. I was joking around, about how I wanted William to turn over. One thing William did do for the first time was hold his bottle. He's pretty unsteady and hasn't reproduced it, but we got on tape some of it. Lots of video taping and camera work done. I can't wait to send Grandma some of the photos.

Zane was very attached to William, which was sweet. I called him the "napinator". He would walk him and he would sleep on him lots. He also insisted on carrying him when we were eating. Bridget gave him a nice little Eyore rattle. Grandma complained because she could not walk with him, and could only sit with him. He fused after a while. She was convinced he was against her, but he liked her. Grandpa (mine, William's Great Grandpa) was sweet too. It was great to be with the family.

Now we're in Hayesville visiting Grandma Bell, who's even worse off than the Parks, but still happy to see William Bell. She misses Grandpa. We went to dinner, which was not easy for her. She has someone staying with her 24 hours, which she seems to resent, but seems appropriate to me.

The drive took 2.5 hours, and William only fused a little at the beginning. He pulls out the worst level of his crying rather infrequently. Zane cried when William went on a horrible crying jag. He held him and he calmed down within 10 minutes.

So it's good to see everyone, and let everyone get to meet young William. Seems like I should write more, but I've got a head ache, I'm at a public computer, and it's bath time. William got some syrup in his hair from this morning's breakfast. I think we left a bottle on the table, too, oh well. I miss them already. I wanted to cry for a long time after leaving grandma and grandpa. It was hard to say goodbye.

78. Grabbed Toes

Diana says William just grabbed his toe for the first time. He's 4 months old today. He's flapping his wings pretty hard, yesterday he smacked Diana. He's moved up to diaper size 4. Diana says he woke her up at 4 this morning, his diaper was full of urine, he was all wet.

Tuesday we fly down south so those in Newnan can see William and Zane and Bridget are flying in. Also we'll swing by and see Great Grandma Bell and Ginger, Bobby and Josh.

77. Will and Bart scared of poop?!

We went over to visit Will, Bart, and Di last night in the Bronx. Wes is in New Mexico. Di fixed a wonderful dinner. We watched some of the Mets game until the rain delay. I played ping pong with the boys. Will beat me twice, Bart 2-1 (I won one!). It was good to see those 17 year old boys, and my lovely kind aunt.

Will and Bart seemed reluctant to hold William. Then they were afraid of his poop and baby babba. Will walked in on Diana breast feeding and yelped. Somehow my camera lost the picture with Bart, but I got a good picture of Will and Will.

We picked V up from the airport after dinner. We thought about sleeping over, but Diana's breast were swollen and I told her not to bring the breast pump, and William was asleep. I went to bed around 2am last night. Now I'm procrastinating, not studying for my social worker exam. Better get to it.

76. Five Days

William went 5 days before he finally pooped, to our relief. You can put a thermometer in and try to stimulate the area, but that didn't work for us. I was relieved (and so was he) when at Virginia's pool, he finally let go. Not in the pool, he's too young to swim yet.

We went to the pool with Diana, who finally had a bathing suit, Aida and Natasia, and Paul. Virginia is in Chicago, coming home tonight. Natasia had a good time in the pool.

Right now he's watching Winged Migration, a lovely documentary about birds migrating. Before that he was on the gym. Diana said he got up at 4 am this morning, but he went to bed around 7pm last night, the second day of 9 hours sleep.

That sweet boy is getting more and more personality as the day goes by.

I've been uploading photos to Snapfish, so if anyone wants to see them or order prints, just e-mail me.

75. The hike

We went hiking with William. It was great. We had this baby backpack, and he seemed real comfortable. It was comfortable for me. So we drove up to Harriman, and hiked for a couple hours. William was changed and breast fed outdoors. On the way back he fell asleep.

We had a lovely visit from Gretchen. She was very warm and kind and open to meeting the many relatives and friends of Diana's at Natasia's 7th birthday party. William loved being passed around by everyone, everyone doting on him. I'm going to miss Gretchen.

74. Panic attack

We had a lovely day, we went hiking for the first time with William. We ended up at Virginia's and Diana went shopping with Aida and Virginia, for Natasia's 7th birthday party, which is tomorrow. William, out of the blue, started crying like I've never heard him cry before. I thought something was horribly wrong. His diaper was just changed, I burped him, offered him food, I held him close, I did everything in the book I could think of. I called Diana in a panic. She tried to calm me down, but I could not hear her over William's howling. I waited a while longer, and his crying did not abate. I took off all his close, to see if something was poking him. Nothing. I was really freaking out, I've never heard him cry this loud, or this long. I was considering taking him to the hospital. I called Diana again, and she came home. Of course, after 30 minutes of howling, his sweat soaked head, he started to wilt. He cried a little when Diana came home, but he fell asleep. Apparently he was just tired. I was so embarrassed. I panicked. I cried for a while. It was just too much for me. Diana wondered, what if she was working or unreachable. I don't know what I would have done. I'm very very sorry to Virginia and Aida for interrupting their shopping. He slept and ate, and was OK. I was surprised he was OK. He sat here, and everything was all right. Sometimes I wonder if I'm up for this, but I hope I can learn and adjust. When do you take him to the hospital? I think I would have hit a tree with him howling in the car. I worried that something was wrong with him. But he was just tired after an exciting day. Crying is sort of like nature's way of emptying the tank, so he can sleep, but I've never seen such howling. Diana says she's seen it before. She thought I was interrupting her activity, using scare tactics to get her home. I think if I'm having a panic attack, maybe she should come home too, but still, I'm sorry for causing the fuss. I'm glad I was wrong. Nothing was wrong.

73. First cheese

William "cheesed" for the first time the other day. I had him laying on his stomach, on my legs, and he started gurgling, so I held him normal, and he cheesed on my shirt. Diana said, "his first cheese!"

He's also planting his feet, and arching his back rather effectively these days. It's his one mode of movement, though it's mostly a move of protest. His play on the "activity center" has changed, he's holding onto things, and his hands are more steady. He's not talking as much, but I think that's because he realizes he's not really talking, he seems to understand that somehow communication is going on.

Diana put on an outfit. I said, "who gave us that one?" She said it was one of Evans, and this will probably be the only time he can wear it, he's getting so big. My scale says he's only 18 pounds, but I think he's 20 pounds.

Rich writes, about a recent photo I sent, "adorable - anyone taking bets on how long his hair will get before it bends over?"

Today we get a visitor! Getchen Benz is visiting us. We pick her up at the airport in an hour. We're furiously cleaning the apartment for her.

72. She likes me, she really likes me!

Virginia writes:

hey, I just had a chance to read the blog posting... the one on your anniversary brought tears to my eyes. I know I smirk at you too often, but I should learn not to judge you & your parenting abilities. I'm sure Diana is happy to have you for a husband too. Congrats on 7 years of marriage.

71. Seven Years

Diana and I have been married 7 years today, and I'm thinking William is the best present we could get. I have such over flowing love for him, and I really don't know what to do with it at times. I kiss him a lot, but he's obviously not interested in being showered with kisses, and he sometimes pushes his head to get you off him. I love holding him, but he's getting to be around 20 pounds, and he's not so light, so I can't hold him forever and walk him, like he would like sometimes. I love paying attention to him, and making sure he's taken care of. He does not mind kisses on his legs and arms, when he's laying down, sometimes he can smile at them. I think making him smile is my greatest ability, yet it's not a consistent easy thing to do. I find him such a wonderful boy.

So 7 years have finally culminated in a son, after our first try at IUI (intrauterine insemination). We sometimes squawk at each other when we're tired, or somehow feel not understood by the other, under the pressure of taking care of a child. I'm sure Virginia would smirk at this, because she thinks I should do more, but I'm giving my son my all, and while it's the greatest joy in my life, it's also very very stressful to have a child. The worry, the anxiety, the omnipresence, the lack of sleep.

All I can say is to see Diana happy with William, to see Diana being such a good mother, is a very happy time. We went to Carolyn and Papo's wedding 2 days ago, and it was quite a lovely event. It was great to see such a celebration of marriage. It made me think about how lucky I am to have Diana as my wife. And while William is much bigger and separate from our marriage, it's impacted, informed and effected it, mostly for the better, and while the stress might make us squabble a little at times, that does not worry me, because we always make up and in general things are wonderful.

70. Laughter

Diana has gotten William to laugh a few times. It's so cute. I wanted to record it, but he stopped by the time I got the camera ready.

We had our first non-family baby sitter, Alex, baby sit William the other day. We had Carolyn and Papo's wedding. Alex did a fine job, and got us some bottles with bags, so he doesn't get air when he eats. He seemed to sleep a lot with her, and he's been sleeping a lot today. I think he's got a growth spurt.