Brooks solution

(Sweet William flower)

The boys have taken to playing "bumper cars" where they ram into each other.  They have been "rough housing" more.  Andres said proudly tonight, I'm going to do all my homework by myself.  He's proud of his independence.  Somehow his parents and family have encouraged that.  I was happy to help him when he needed help and he still needs supervision and structure.

Most of the parents stay in their cars, while the kids play in the park, and many kids are unattended.  Most of the time I play tag with the guys to seed the game, get it going, until there are more kids.  Today another mother stood by the building in the park.

The kids swear a lot, and I find that rather distasteful.

David Brooks has an op-ed piece about a father who wrote a letter of disappointment in his children, and Brooks says pointing out people's flaws doesn't really change them.  His suggestion is that you have to entice people to be more independent with the promise of what it brings.

Most people don't like wearing their flaws on the outside, they guard them close.  I would have a hard time writing publicly about my own limitations as a parent, though I am rather self disclosing, and I will admit to some need to improve.

I helped teach parenting classes once, and I came to the conclusion that a parenting class will do little, though it can't hurt.  You parent from who you are.  And development of character is not an easy thing.    I agree with Brooks that the positive approach is often better, but I also sympathise with the letter writing irate father.  I let out my disgruntlement, I think it's important to show frustrations and expectations, but label it as frustration.

Any parent will tell you yelling doesn't work much, but sometimes it happens, and it can be very meaningful.  As a habit it tends to breed yellers, because kids do what you do.  I guess I compare myself, quite bizarrely, to an enlightened being, and see myself falling short.  There's the story of the Buddha going to a group, and the group basically told him to buzz off, they would settle their problem.  You have to be receptive to support, and people have various levels of receptivity.  That's one thing I hope to engender in my sons, receptivity to those who are more advanced.

It's hard to walk the line between holding kids to expectations and being realistic and foster better character.

Tonight Andres had trouble as a second grader, defining "pristine" without copying me.  He threw a little snit and fell asleep, but he woke up, and we keept expecting him to come up with his own sentence.  In the end he copied one of mine, doing a similar one, but he remembered it after struggling, and I guess after a half hour, we have to move on from being stuck.

Andres read non-fiction books today.  I review a few books on goodreads.  I think it's my favorite social site, but it's pretty tame, and not much happens.  I've read a few good book reviews by my cousins.

The boys saw their cousins the other day, who are growing up to be fine young men.  Bart is in the peace corp in Indonesia.  Will is going to Georgetown law school.  Bart gave the boys some cool shirts from Indonesia.  And some coconut sweet from Indonesia, that are good.

William's first video creation

Basketball Jerseys

wanderlust

William (8) Wants to Go:
1. Florida
2. Texas
3. California
4. Japan
5. Argentina
6. France
7. Ecuador
8. India
9. Mexico
10. Egypt


Andres (7) Wants to goto:
Florida
Paris
Japan
China
Mexico
Egypt
Ecuador
India
Santa Fe
Chicago
Texas

Dad wants to go
India
Sri Lanka
Burma
Thailand
Ireland
Japan
Argentina
Italy

Electoral note:  William would vote for Obama, because he doesn't like Romney's stance on women's rights.  Andres would vote for Obama, but couldn't say why.

dialectical parenting

On the one hand, I saw a boy in the park hit by a ball on his leg.  My feeling was that I'd just shake it off and keep playing, but the boy cried, and his father went over and comforted him.  I had a strong feeling that I would not have done that as a kid. I suspect that feeling, but there's a feeling that we were tougher when I was growing up.  You don't want to raise a child that is a hot house flower.

On the other hand, there are articles in the Times about how you have to accept your children.  There's a recent article that empathy precludes evaluation in your mind.  Why not just be empathetic and come to understand your child?

Dialectical parenting tries to rise above extremes and see what is needed in the moment.  Inspired by Buddhism and Derrida we understand the shifting grounds we walk on.  We don't get trapped in rigid patriarchal stances, and other's projections and expectations about leadership.  It's authentically grappling with life's great mysteries.  To be apt and aware is the goal, honest and alive.

My son did an endo on his scooter this morning.  He face-planted onto the cement.  Not a pleasant experience.  But he joked as he was going to school about showing others his battle scars.  I liked that scrappiness, resilience.  But I also howled at the pain my son suffered.  I wish he didn't have to suffer, sometimes wish I could really shield him.

I've always felt that you parent from who you are.  There's no easy fix, humans are so complex, and we all have our ups and downs.  We kiss the joys and they go by as Blake said.  But you're also trying to build character, which is no easy matter.  Although my sons have done well so far.  You have to have some yourself to impart it.  What you do is more important that what you say to children.  So as always, just be the best person you can be, realistically, not fakery.  Kids see through fakes.  As always, there's no easy way through, but the struggle is the best game in town.

Technology and childhood

Read this today:

"In a new eBook titled The Demise of Guys: Why Boys Are Struggling and What We Can Do about It, Zimbardo and his coauthor psychologist Nikita Duncan paint a dire picture of dudes in this country, asserting that boys are increasingly failing to measure up academically, socially, and sexually. The blame, they say, lies with the Internet, television, and video games. According to their view, a new Lost Generation has grown up, addicted to arousal and constantly seeking stimulation and novelty through digital means: "The excessive use of video games and online porn in pursuit of the next thing is creating a generation of risk-averse guys who are unable (and unwilling) to navigate the complexities and risks inherent to real-life relationships, school and employment." More young men are supposedly languishing in their parents' basements, aimless, asocial, and out of touch."

"Addicted to arousal," is an interesting phrase.  As if new technology created that problem, instead of new technology tapping into this old problem.  I believe spirituality has the best answers for that.

Jane McGonigal thinks we should play more games.  The emotions in gaming, the intense concentration, there's optimism and a feeling of accomplishment, beyond the threshold of what is imagined, an "epic win".  "I'm not good at life," is a problem for gamers.  They're not as good in life as in games.  They feel people are at their best in games.  Her point is that we need to move this gaming stuff into the world.  She talks about The World of Warcraft.  She thinks we're changing evolution, to be more collaborative and hearty species.  The old ten thousand hours thing is brought up.  Turns out school ends up being over ten thousand hours.  She references the Malcome Gladwell theory of ten thousand hours to success.

She thinks games give;
1.  Urgent Optimism
2.  Tight social fabric:  Development of trust, cooperation
3.  Blissful productivity:  It's usually a part time job
4.  Epic Meaning

The mass exodus to virtual worlds makes perfect sense, it is rational.  But it's not optimal.

She discussed the creation of a game to survive a famine in history (Herodotus).  After 18 years the famine didn't abate.  So they played a game, and half of the others had to go.  Warcraft has been going on for 16 years.  She thinks by playing games we can solve real world problems.  She created World Without Oil.  She created more games.  Evoke is one.  Unfortunately it's recommended for 13 and up.  

Of course face to face contact is important, but I like the question:  How do we harness this energy of gamers for the good of mankind?  I'm going to check out Evoke.

Character Traits

William 8

Andres 7

on the way to school

Walking to school this morning William asked, "what future invention are you looking forward to?"

I said transporter.  Later I wanted to add food replicator.

William said a flying car.

Andres' science homework for first grade

Environment:  The whole complex of factors (as soil, climate, and living things) that influence the form and the ability to survive of a plant or animal.

Adaptation:  Adjustment to environmental conditions.

Camouflage:  The hiding or disguising of something by covering it up or changing the way it looks.

Oxygen:  An element that we use to breathe.

Pollen:  a mass of tiny particles in a flower that fertilize the seeds.

Food Chain:  a series of organisms in which each uses the next of the series as a food source.

Schedule based on Monsters Math School Time

7am wake up
800 school for Andres M-W, 836 R, F.
They do calendar at first.
Dance or Art or Science
Writing
11am.  Lunch
Recess
Writing
Math
Snack
School ends around 3
Then they go to Grandma's to play, watch TV, and try to get some homework done.
6 is dinner
7 is homework
9 is time to be in bed

we came up with this after reading Monsters Math School Time by Grace Maccarone

Favorite superheroes

William:
1.  Spiderman
2.  Batman
3.  Wolverine
4.  Thor
5.  Green Lantern

Andres:
1.  Torch (Fantastic 4)
2.  Ice Man (Wolverine)
3.  Robin
4.  Cyclops (X-Men)
5.  Venom (Spiderman)

I asked the boys after I saw this list.