Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Monday, November 26, 2007
unexpected day with me boys
Paquita got stuck in PA because a car broke down. So I was with the boys an extra day. When I came home last night, they were saying they were doing homework, and said, "wicked". That's Natasia's influence. She was in the room writing an essay. She kept coming out, and Aida read it to her, and tried to make it sound better. They foreclose my attempts to use my own method to expand her though. I suppose I'm sensitive when my attempts to open things up are closed down--I get it all the time as a therapist, and in my personal life. I just want to open things up to explore and play with them.
Andrew liked going to school with William. He loved reading for a while, back at home, but then his attention wanders. I can't tell if Andres is more assertive about when a story isn't connecting with him, or if he has less concentration than William.
Last night we had a visitor, a dinner guest, with table cloth, wine and candles. The boys were of course very hyper, and difficult, but I was glad they came over anyway, so we can begin to work on civilizing the boys. They're pretty wild, and making them well mannered boys is a goal of ours.
Diana put the boys to sleep. I traded Sunday for Tuesday, so I'm going to be putting the boys to sleep 3 nights in a row, which I and the boys dread. Last night I read a book to the boys and William said, "Mommy's turn," and gave me a dismissive kiss, to say, "get out." I'm not as nice putting them to bed, so they prefer her.
Andrew liked going to school with William. He loved reading for a while, back at home, but then his attention wanders. I can't tell if Andres is more assertive about when a story isn't connecting with him, or if he has less concentration than William.
Last night we had a visitor, a dinner guest, with table cloth, wine and candles. The boys were of course very hyper, and difficult, but I was glad they came over anyway, so we can begin to work on civilizing the boys. They're pretty wild, and making them well mannered boys is a goal of ours.
Diana put the boys to sleep. I traded Sunday for Tuesday, so I'm going to be putting the boys to sleep 3 nights in a row, which I and the boys dread. Last night I read a book to the boys and William said, "Mommy's turn," and gave me a dismissive kiss, to say, "get out." I'm not as nice putting them to bed, so they prefer her.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Monday, November 19, 2007
Keep it moving
William resisted sitting on the potty right away. I waited him out and kept asking. He asked to sit on the big one.
Andrew was very clingy, he's coughing and has a runny nose. He seems to have gotten the most sick out of all of us. I worry my luxurious 5 days off this week (Wed-Fri plus the weekend) will end up with my body feeling it's OK to let down and be sick.
This weekend was lazy. Or challenging, I can't tell any more. I missed gymnastics class because William wouldn't get ready and I didn't impress my will on him. I miss having down time. I always feel on, like I need to be struggling to do something. So we had a bit of a mushy weekend because of that. William ended up going with Diana Saturday. William didn't want to go to the park either, so I spent some time with Andrew. We've all aligned Andrew with me, William with Diana. So Andrew fell asleep early--he slept 13.5 hours Sat to Sun. Diana ended up taking William to a move. Sunday we watched Shrek 3. Felt a little thin, but it's quite a good set of movies, I like it. I think it's lost on the kids. I think the transexual's portrayal is a offensive. I've got a lot of Shrek in me. "Better out than in," is my motto too, to the shagrin of my angelic wife. Lots of laundry to do, Diana didn't get back till later, so I missed my spiritual group because I had to catch up on reading for ICP. I get overwhelmed by the boys, want them gone, and then I miss them while they're gone. I put the boys to bed. They say, "It's mommy's turn, isn't it?" Not last night. Andrew fell asleep quickly, William is scared of the blanket--he's gotten scared of bugs and whatnot--which I interpret as anger about not getting his way with his mother, projecting out the anger, and it doubling back on him. I interpret the anger gently, validate it, and keep it moving.
Andrew was very clingy, he's coughing and has a runny nose. He seems to have gotten the most sick out of all of us. I worry my luxurious 5 days off this week (Wed-Fri plus the weekend) will end up with my body feeling it's OK to let down and be sick.
This weekend was lazy. Or challenging, I can't tell any more. I missed gymnastics class because William wouldn't get ready and I didn't impress my will on him. I miss having down time. I always feel on, like I need to be struggling to do something. So we had a bit of a mushy weekend because of that. William ended up going with Diana Saturday. William didn't want to go to the park either, so I spent some time with Andrew. We've all aligned Andrew with me, William with Diana. So Andrew fell asleep early--he slept 13.5 hours Sat to Sun. Diana ended up taking William to a move. Sunday we watched Shrek 3. Felt a little thin, but it's quite a good set of movies, I like it. I think it's lost on the kids. I think the transexual's portrayal is a offensive. I've got a lot of Shrek in me. "Better out than in," is my motto too, to the shagrin of my angelic wife. Lots of laundry to do, Diana didn't get back till later, so I missed my spiritual group because I had to catch up on reading for ICP. I get overwhelmed by the boys, want them gone, and then I miss them while they're gone. I put the boys to bed. They say, "It's mommy's turn, isn't it?" Not last night. Andrew fell asleep quickly, William is scared of the blanket--he's gotten scared of bugs and whatnot--which I interpret as anger about not getting his way with his mother, projecting out the anger, and it doubling back on him. I interpret the anger gently, validate it, and keep it moving.
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Andres Poops In The Potty!
Andres pooped in the potty last night. I think they're both going to potty train at the same time, William at 3.6, and William at 2.1. William did urinate in the potty this morning too. I'm so proud of those boys.
I feel kind of split. There's a part of me that wants to force them to do it. There's a part of me that feels like they're going to have to follow directions at work. But that's quite a leap. The hope is that the less unconflicted they are growing up, the more available they will be to raise to the challenges of work. So I'm glad my overwhelmedness and passivity has allowed for it to unfold naturally, and now I see clearly how to guide him.
William was a little more open to cleaning up before he went to school this morning. I'm glad I've added that structure into the morning too. Now more consistent eating and bedtimes will be a good structure as well. My involvement in psychoanalytic training has put stress and pressure on the family (and me!). Diana is a supportive trooper though, bless her.
I feel kind of split. There's a part of me that wants to force them to do it. There's a part of me that feels like they're going to have to follow directions at work. But that's quite a leap. The hope is that the less unconflicted they are growing up, the more available they will be to raise to the challenges of work. So I'm glad my overwhelmedness and passivity has allowed for it to unfold naturally, and now I see clearly how to guide him.
William was a little more open to cleaning up before he went to school this morning. I'm glad I've added that structure into the morning too. Now more consistent eating and bedtimes will be a good structure as well. My involvement in psychoanalytic training has put stress and pressure on the family (and me!). Diana is a supportive trooper though, bless her.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Oedipal Drama
William got upset when I offered him breakfast the other day. Diana was there, and there was not obvious explanation why he was so upset with me. I think in those times, that don't make sense, I'm more inclined to go for an experience far interpretation. Perhaps William was angry at me, afraid I would swallow him up, destroy him for his projected aggression towards me, that rebounded back, and made him scared and upset. Poor Andrew and I are the odd men out. We form a band of brothers against the storm. Andrew sometimes cries with William and sometimes he realizes it's not happening to him and he seems happy.
The other day William shouted out "Thomas" in his sleep. Later he was crying about "ice creme".
Diana went to school with William yesterday. We're going to have him sit on the potty every time we change a diaper. And we're going to focus on making him clean up more. I did that this morning and told Ms. Shari, who said "excellent."
Two girls fight in the class--a couple of prima donas.
We got William a hair cut last night, for today's class photo. I put gel in William's hair to keep it in control. Diana had a cute outfit with a sweater vest, and Virginia bought him some new shoes.
The other day William shouted out "Thomas" in his sleep. Later he was crying about "ice creme".
Diana went to school with William yesterday. We're going to have him sit on the potty every time we change a diaper. And we're going to focus on making him clean up more. I did that this morning and told Ms. Shari, who said "excellent."
Two girls fight in the class--a couple of prima donas.
We got William a hair cut last night, for today's class photo. I put gel in William's hair to keep it in control. Diana had a cute outfit with a sweater vest, and Virginia bought him some new shoes.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Gordon
William said in his sleep, "Thomas." I thought he was just dreaming about Thomas. But then he said, "I'm not Gordon, I'm Thomas."
He calls me Gordon, so I wonder if he's feeling like Gordon in relation to Andres. I asked him about it when he woke up, but he couldn't really understand, so I don't know what was going on.
He calls me Gordon, so I wonder if he's feeling like Gordon in relation to Andres. I asked him about it when he woke up, but he couldn't really understand, so I don't know what was going on.
Friday, November 09, 2007
Natasia reads books.
William and Andres are being read to by Natasia. She's the mummy in the recent Halloween pictures. She's the one who lived with us when her mother and father split up, with her mother. She's the one who's been very precious to us, because of the tight relationship. As her mother sleeps on the couch, Diana does some work, and I blog a little bit before I go to bed, Natasia read to my boys. She reads really well to them, and while she's only 10, she does a good job with the boys. Sometimes she acts out on her jealousy and envy, or is just plain tired of being in charge with all the exhausted adults, but she's an absolute treasure to my boys, and I really appreciate that. The boys adore her, and have her in high regard.
We watched Ratatouille tonight. I enjoyed it. Finding Nemo is still my favorite, and Balto is pretty good, plus Cars is pretty good. I also like Tarzan. These movies have, I feel, very deep messages, many messages, and friendship, tolerance and flexibility of mind are important values. This is similar, and as I watch this movie, possibly over and over again, we'll see how it stands up. That is if it makes that cut by the boys taste.
We watched Ratatouille tonight. I enjoyed it. Finding Nemo is still my favorite, and Balto is pretty good, plus Cars is pretty good. I also like Tarzan. These movies have, I feel, very deep messages, many messages, and friendship, tolerance and flexibility of mind are important values. This is similar, and as I watch this movie, possibly over and over again, we'll see how it stands up. That is if it makes that cut by the boys taste.
Thursday, November 08, 2007
Andres as James
Andres wouldn't wear his James costume, maybe because it dragged, he's not tall enough. But he put it on the other day.
11/8/07
William wants glamma Kathy and Grandpa Rich to come so they can bring Balty. He has a Balty, but it's not "wooden". It's plastic, and he wants a wooden Balty, which is the boat in Thomas the Tank Engine.
He likes to watch the video where he's opening the gifts and he's really excited.
We were at the pizza store and some older kids came in.
William said, "they're cool."
I said, "why?"
William said, "they're older." I think I felt that way when I was younger, but actually I think that still. People who are older are cooler because they are wiser. But younger people are cool too, because they are often not so cluttered, cynical or worn down.
William says "nana nana nana nana." He likes to play, "you can't catch me."
The boys woke up at 6, instead of 7. I came home early because one of my co-workers father died, and everyone was concerned about her. I offered to drive her home. I'll work an hour later to make up for it, but I got to take the boys to the park. William can really run.
He likes to watch the video where he's opening the gifts and he's really excited.
We were at the pizza store and some older kids came in.
William said, "they're cool."
I said, "why?"
William said, "they're older." I think I felt that way when I was younger, but actually I think that still. People who are older are cooler because they are wiser. But younger people are cool too, because they are often not so cluttered, cynical or worn down.
William says "nana nana nana nana." He likes to play, "you can't catch me."
The boys woke up at 6, instead of 7. I came home early because one of my co-workers father died, and everyone was concerned about her. I offered to drive her home. I'll work an hour later to make up for it, but I got to take the boys to the park. William can really run.
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
Monday, November 05, 2007
I love this photo
I love the way William is holding Diana's arm with his hand and feet. He's remaining connected, even though she's holding the baby Andres. This is of course an old photo, but I've been reminiscing more and more lately.
Monday Morning
Andres handles daddy leaving better, when it's not so quick and rushed. With daylight savings time, I was more leisurely this morning. I got up earlier. William snuck into our bed last night. Andres slept from 7-7, a hearty nights sleep. William stayed up later, to 8:30.
William woke up and said Mimi was going to get him a train. I'm not sure who Mimi is, maybe a classmate? William likes to play trains when he wakes up. Before we went to bed, I constructed an elaborate tracks, with all the pieces. He wants me to tell a story, but when I start to tell a story, he gets irritated and wants to tell it in his own way. I get annoyed, and say, "so tell the story your way." It's almost like he needs the irritation of me telling the story wrong to tell his story.
Andres woke up. His feet were so cold. They kick the blankets off, I want to get up every hour and put it back on them. He sat in my lap, and I held him for a long while. I fed them egg white and ate my own egg white sandwich. Andres had a bite of my sandwich. William doesn't like to eat much in the morning.
I turned on Seaseme Street to take a shower. They were enthralled, and didn't interrupt my shower. Sometimes Andres needs me, and it's a kind of toture for me to bathe while he begs for me. Sometimes they fight in my absence. But this morning it went OK.
With my dressing, starts Andres' anxiety. "Where are you going?" he asked me for the first time this morning. I said I'd take William to school and then go to work. He said something to the effect that he didn't like that plan, but dropped it. I began to dress William. The t-shirt was OK, but he said of the sweat shirt, "that's Andres'". I don't think it was but his pants were too tight (size 4) so I got some size 5 pants. He wanted shorts. I said, "Miss Shari will be mad at me if I take you to school in shorts." He said OK, but then crumpled on the floor like he was shot by a bullet. So since William wasn't getting read I said, "I guess I'll take Andres in his place." I regretted saying that when William didn't react, and Andres got excited. Not a good way to play around. Andres put both legs into the pant, and I call him a merman.
Paquita came and we got out the door OK. William already had his train in the see through plastic pouch--it's a kind of transition object. He has a specific one he needs to take with him. How intact the eye brows are is a crucial factor.
He wouldn't put on his jacket, so I asked Paquita if it was warm enough to get away with that. She said yea, but take the coat because Miss Shari might want to go for a walk with them, and want warmner clothing.
Out the door William begins to sing. They both sing a lot. William yesterday sang, "when I get older, tip me over and pour me out." blending two songs. I like the friends song and the determination song that we learned from the Thomas song book we have. The friends song is also in a book Zane and Bridget got him.
I realized once that in my impatience, I was always walking ahead of William. So I make a point of walking side by side with him. We hold hands to cross the street. He bent over to pick up a rock, and I got nervous, but cars were far away and we made it across OK. Then he wanted to put the rock in a pocket. When he realized his sweat shirt had pockets, he put his hands there. I introduced him to pockets the other day and he really liked the idea of putting his hands there.
Walking in, I say hello to Lola's mom when she says hello to William. We look at the fish for a while. He's convinced there's a second black one, but I thinkt here's just 8 yellow ones, and one black one. When we first started, he wanted to look there longer than me. Now it's a short stop. So we get to his classroom, and he's saying goodbye to me already, puckering his lips to give me a goodbye kiss. I say, "be a good boy." When I comment to Miss Shari about him wanting me to go away when I get there, she says, "he's independent." Meanwhile she's focused on finding out who didn't put their coat away right, and she's yelling out, "girls!" I walk out wistfully, my son is pushing me away, out of independence, and for me, the first time it bites.
William woke up and said Mimi was going to get him a train. I'm not sure who Mimi is, maybe a classmate? William likes to play trains when he wakes up. Before we went to bed, I constructed an elaborate tracks, with all the pieces. He wants me to tell a story, but when I start to tell a story, he gets irritated and wants to tell it in his own way. I get annoyed, and say, "so tell the story your way." It's almost like he needs the irritation of me telling the story wrong to tell his story.
Andres woke up. His feet were so cold. They kick the blankets off, I want to get up every hour and put it back on them. He sat in my lap, and I held him for a long while. I fed them egg white and ate my own egg white sandwich. Andres had a bite of my sandwich. William doesn't like to eat much in the morning.
I turned on Seaseme Street to take a shower. They were enthralled, and didn't interrupt my shower. Sometimes Andres needs me, and it's a kind of toture for me to bathe while he begs for me. Sometimes they fight in my absence. But this morning it went OK.
With my dressing, starts Andres' anxiety. "Where are you going?" he asked me for the first time this morning. I said I'd take William to school and then go to work. He said something to the effect that he didn't like that plan, but dropped it. I began to dress William. The t-shirt was OK, but he said of the sweat shirt, "that's Andres'". I don't think it was but his pants were too tight (size 4) so I got some size 5 pants. He wanted shorts. I said, "Miss Shari will be mad at me if I take you to school in shorts." He said OK, but then crumpled on the floor like he was shot by a bullet. So since William wasn't getting read I said, "I guess I'll take Andres in his place." I regretted saying that when William didn't react, and Andres got excited. Not a good way to play around. Andres put both legs into the pant, and I call him a merman.
Paquita came and we got out the door OK. William already had his train in the see through plastic pouch--it's a kind of transition object. He has a specific one he needs to take with him. How intact the eye brows are is a crucial factor.
He wouldn't put on his jacket, so I asked Paquita if it was warm enough to get away with that. She said yea, but take the coat because Miss Shari might want to go for a walk with them, and want warmner clothing.
Out the door William begins to sing. They both sing a lot. William yesterday sang, "when I get older, tip me over and pour me out." blending two songs. I like the friends song and the determination song that we learned from the Thomas song book we have. The friends song is also in a book Zane and Bridget got him.
I realized once that in my impatience, I was always walking ahead of William. So I make a point of walking side by side with him. We hold hands to cross the street. He bent over to pick up a rock, and I got nervous, but cars were far away and we made it across OK. Then he wanted to put the rock in a pocket. When he realized his sweat shirt had pockets, he put his hands there. I introduced him to pockets the other day and he really liked the idea of putting his hands there.
Walking in, I say hello to Lola's mom when she says hello to William. We look at the fish for a while. He's convinced there's a second black one, but I thinkt here's just 8 yellow ones, and one black one. When we first started, he wanted to look there longer than me. Now it's a short stop. So we get to his classroom, and he's saying goodbye to me already, puckering his lips to give me a goodbye kiss. I say, "be a good boy." When I comment to Miss Shari about him wanting me to go away when I get there, she says, "he's independent." Meanwhile she's focused on finding out who didn't put their coat away right, and she's yelling out, "girls!" I walk out wistfully, my son is pushing me away, out of independence, and for me, the first time it bites.
Saturday, November 03, 2007
Saturday update
By the way, those aren't his glasses, they are mine. He's got an eye appointment soon. We'll see what's up then.
I was looking at the comments on YouTube about the videos. Amazing. I've actually started up a correspondence with someone based on the videos. One video has been watched 2,442 times. Obviously by Thomas The Tank Engine fanatics. I think I have 5 people subscribing to the videos. Yeesh. And they're not family.
So this morning I took William to gymnastics. He wasn't in a very compliant mood, and I had difficulty with him. He wouldn't sit on the black line, he wasn't participating and following directions. A complete challenge for me. Then we went to breakfast with Leah and her parents, and he was absolutely wonderful and kind and sweet to Leah, which thrilled her parents. Then he had a huge meltdown because he wanted a train or something from the store, and I wouldn't do it. I gave in last week because I wanted to buy something. And Virginia in her kindness bought him some stuff he wanted the next week. One kids comment on YouTube was "he's so lucky!" about the video of them getting stuff from Glamma (the preferred term for my mother) and Grandpa Rich.
So I we went over to Abuela's. I took off to read at home. I'm doing a practice day tomorrow, so I won't see them much, but I've got so much reading to do. Better do some now.
I was looking at the comments on YouTube about the videos. Amazing. I've actually started up a correspondence with someone based on the videos. One video has been watched 2,442 times. Obviously by Thomas The Tank Engine fanatics. I think I have 5 people subscribing to the videos. Yeesh. And they're not family.
So this morning I took William to gymnastics. He wasn't in a very compliant mood, and I had difficulty with him. He wouldn't sit on the black line, he wasn't participating and following directions. A complete challenge for me. Then we went to breakfast with Leah and her parents, and he was absolutely wonderful and kind and sweet to Leah, which thrilled her parents. Then he had a huge meltdown because he wanted a train or something from the store, and I wouldn't do it. I gave in last week because I wanted to buy something. And Virginia in her kindness bought him some stuff he wanted the next week. One kids comment on YouTube was "he's so lucky!" about the video of them getting stuff from Glamma (the preferred term for my mother) and Grandpa Rich.
So I we went over to Abuela's. I took off to read at home. I'm doing a practice day tomorrow, so I won't see them much, but I've got so much reading to do. Better do some now.
Friday, November 02, 2007
Cold Day
It's cold again today. This is a photo from earlier when it got cold. William has always wanted to be cool, he takes off clothes, he used to put his cheek inside the fridge. His teacher self described as "old fashioned". She wants me to dress him with more clothes for the 3 block walk to school. He has had a cought. Andres has it more now, though. William was very upset there was no school yesterday but he was happy to go to school today. Today he pushed me out, "go away." Yikes. What's that about? I heard he went out of the classroom without permission when Paquita came, and he looked at me ashamed. I don't want to shame him, but I also want him doing the right thing, be pliable enough to cleave to authority's desire. I myself have some anger--he's not been given the reasons to be angry the way I have, to my knowledge. I sort of like the wild William though, and Magaly visiting from Ecuador noticed, people noticed in the photo at work that he has a little mischeviousness in him. That's great. He likes the walk, he likes to show me the fish, but when we get into the classroom, he wants me to go. I want to linger. I was a little more centered this morning, so I could be sweet to the boys and they were sweet in return. I really think parenting is a matter of self control, which is not very easy. I think controlling ourselves is one of the hardest things in the world. Being natural doesn't take care of it. Being sensitive to others isn't always easy, I'm easily distracted by my own needs, wants and pain. At least I'm trying to transform myself. At least I'm trying to be sensitive. I was talking to them about being "tender" and they think a tender is the train car behind the engine that holds the coal, a word I learned through William's interest in trains.
Thursday, November 01, 2007
Haven't been writing as much.
I haven't been writing as much, because a picture tells a thousand words. I have so many thoughts about my boys.
William is sometimes getting stuck in communication issues, that are frustrating because he's being given what he wants, or it's not possible to get what he wants. He was upset this morning because he couldn't go to school. It's a paperwork day. I love it that he likes school so much. He likes his teacher, he likes his peers. He occasionally reports hitting or getting in trouble. He loves putting on that backpack and taking the walk with me. He says, "do you want to see the new fish?" They have a fish tank. Eight gold fish and a black one that we have to look for. He also likes to have me lift him up to see in the windows of his class and other classes. He goes straight to Miss Sherry to say hello, touches base with some peers, and then we have to wrangle him into being as independent as he can be taking off his jacket, putting his lunch away, and putting his coat on the hanger.
He loved being Thomas The Tank Engine for Halloween. Pictures soon to follow.
Andres is a papa's boy. He waited for me to come home to feed him last night. He is very clingy and when we're with family he's often looking for me, and people comment on that. He gives real hugs instead of William's mostly standing there near you and you hug him. He's speaking more and more, though at the moment I can't think of what he's said. Andres didn't want to wear the James constume we got for him so Diana wore it.
Thank you to Bridget and Zane for the Halloween favors you sent. We gathered with Aida's friend, her children and children of her relatives, and Virgina, Aida and Natasia. The hordes as I call it. They trashed our apartment playing with things.
Anyway, I love those boys. Lots of pressures and demands on me with work, school, etc., so I don't write so much, but there's lots to write about.
William is sometimes getting stuck in communication issues, that are frustrating because he's being given what he wants, or it's not possible to get what he wants. He was upset this morning because he couldn't go to school. It's a paperwork day. I love it that he likes school so much. He likes his teacher, he likes his peers. He occasionally reports hitting or getting in trouble. He loves putting on that backpack and taking the walk with me. He says, "do you want to see the new fish?" They have a fish tank. Eight gold fish and a black one that we have to look for. He also likes to have me lift him up to see in the windows of his class and other classes. He goes straight to Miss Sherry to say hello, touches base with some peers, and then we have to wrangle him into being as independent as he can be taking off his jacket, putting his lunch away, and putting his coat on the hanger.
He loved being Thomas The Tank Engine for Halloween. Pictures soon to follow.
Andres is a papa's boy. He waited for me to come home to feed him last night. He is very clingy and when we're with family he's often looking for me, and people comment on that. He gives real hugs instead of William's mostly standing there near you and you hug him. He's speaking more and more, though at the moment I can't think of what he's said. Andres didn't want to wear the James constume we got for him so Diana wore it.
Thank you to Bridget and Zane for the Halloween favors you sent. We gathered with Aida's friend, her children and children of her relatives, and Virgina, Aida and Natasia. The hordes as I call it. They trashed our apartment playing with things.
Anyway, I love those boys. Lots of pressures and demands on me with work, school, etc., so I don't write so much, but there's lots to write about.
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